Should your standards be set internally based on what you want and how you see yourself or should they be based on the results you are getting and how others may see you?

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-08-07T19:47:25+00:00

Basically this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBCfxhyEDB0

It really isn't all that complicated. Everyone is attracted to something different. Average beauty standards / weight standards are not static and over arching for every single person out there. People use data and stats to measure trends. People get offended when those trends get put out there because "not all___" . People like using people. People lie. People hedge their bets the best they can for sexual gratification/survival/resource allocations. People change. People fall in and out of love. People aren't all unified in what is beautiful or ugly entirely.

Women determine if men are ugly and if they sleep with them: Briffaults law, etc. As a guy you should be able to determine that, asking doesnt suffice. Unless there is passionate lust/making time for eachother and heartfelt communication, she isnt attracted to you. If she keeps you around and is dishonest, its for validation/wasting time/foodie calls/whatever she needs help with. If you as a man stay around pretending to be a friend, you fall into the hope strategy that eventually will leave you bitter as is seen on other posts. Both are a result of not understanding attraction/boundaries.

That's just how it plays out. It isnt always the same. Not every girl likes Jim Caviezel, do most??? Probably. Geeez I'd fuck him, he's into warhammer 40k. Do girls like Joseph Gordon-Levitt???? IDK??? Some do, Some dont. Some girls fall in love with serial killers and marry them. The bad guy with the little mustache in the 40's got chics. Some guys date women who remind them of their mothers, some girls do the same with guys that remind them of their fathers. Some have a healthy view of the opposite sex, others see the opposite sex for what they can provide. Shit, I've dated women who said they hated me the 1st time they met me and said I was not their type. If I had listened to stats and the internet and not tried I would have never known they liked me/were willing to sleep with me. I can't even say you need to be hyper masculine, I used to be kinda more physically but I'm an emo bitch sometimes and get n my feelings and often prefer to have female friends around because their convos are more interesting as I grew up with mostly women and am more comfortable around them.

The problem, whether or not you do this, is that there are women, NOT ALL FOR BABY EARS, who shame guys and make fun of them on social media for being short, or being asian, or not being whatever they want, "being broke" for not falling into being finessed, aquaman gaining weight and having a dad bod, not being cool enough or being into anime as you've seen on these dating posts. And that rhetoric has been noticed by enough guys collectively who are now internalizing that and wondering what the point is in dating if they don't meet up to these alleged standards.

Now if that's perpetuated and A MEASUREABLE PERCENTAGE (NOT ALL) women avoid those kind of guys then I can't blame them for being angry about it and being sad with what they were born with. It isn't their fault. Sadly a very good percentage of men are incels. Look at the stats of how many men are virgins still in their 20s. It has changed drastically to even 10 years ago. We dont determine who fucks us. Women do. So for all of you that seem to think that word denotes anyone who doesnt agree with your narrative or that its someone whos been hurt/is just angry they arent hot enough to get fucked, youre really just showing that you dont realize how normalized it is to shit on men for having no control over what women control.

Whats the solution? I really cant tell you a one size fits all solution. I hope theres someone out there for you, people in wheel chairs find love, mentally challenged people find love, people missing limbs find love, there's probably someone out there for anyone. But that is why I think you young guys and gals need to stop using those dating apps and limit your social media time. It is really messing with young mens and womens self esteem.

Go to the gym, eat healthy, drink water, always read books and keep learning. Take care of yourself and get your careers and finances in order. This will put you in the best position to meet someone. Its a way to live comfortably and happily enough to establish social circles IRL that will let you meet guys and girls naturally. Lean into your strengths, be good at speaking and conversations, and just be grateful for everyday you have on this earth. Eventually we all look the same in dirt. We live on borrowed time, dont worry about the shrieking crazies who buy into the political bipartisan line crossing they have let poisoned their individuality online, the people who point fingers at this sex or that group.

baresquad · 2022-08-07T19:06:26+00:00

It’s always subjective

Yes, attraction is subjective

that is upset because he can’t get hot girls

But this is the problem. We're entitled to set and pursue every standard we set but the second you start acting like a hopeless toddler unable to maturely handle and process rejection or not getting what you want, you become a fucking dweeb

growandappear · 2022-08-07T19:42:04+00:00

Bro. Go outside and figure it out? Idk how you expect a crowd of strangers to tell you how to feel. Please meet people.

throwaway264757 · 2022-08-07T22:03:29+00:00

I definitely can see what you are saying here.

Some people really are delusional though. And to what degree the delusional person should be talked out of their delusion depends on the circumstance. Some people are more functional with the delusion.

TW: dogpill (beastiality)

For example I used to talk to this incel who was heavily dogpilled. He talked about it constantly. For those who don't know it's the idea that women would rather fuck dogs than ugly men. I know it's really out there.

This guy wasn't really ugly though. And he was good at playing guitar and singing. I kept digging into this dogpill idea and asking him questions about it. The result was always the same "women would rather fuck dogs than me."

One day I was horny and just said I'd much rather fuck him than a dog. I thought it was gonna be so easy. I thought I'd instantly get dick from him for saying that. BUT he was just grossed out and disgusted by it. I kept trying to push it. Like "no really, I would." But he was definitely grossed out by my advances.

Eventually I just realized this guy needs the dogpill. It makes him feel safer. And being hit on by me was a really unsafe uncomfortable thing for him.

It's similar to this thread I was looking at on incel tears today. About the sub8 theory. Which is the theory that anyone under 8 in looks won't be romantically/sexually successful. Idk how anyone can believe this when all you have to do is go outside to see how many ugly people exist. But the people who believe this probably need it to feel safe. Trauma likely led them to come to those delusional conclusions.

To what degree the delusion impairs them vs stabilizes them is definitely up for debate imo. I've seen incels police each other using delusion/theories/pills that ironically help them from falling further into violence.

TW: rape & suicide

For example I was in a discord incel server and one incel said to the other that they should rape me. The incel replied "if I raped her she would kill herself" All the other incels thought this was hilarious and agreed that he was way too ugly to rape someone without them killing themselves as a result so it's better that he doesn't.

To circle it back around to things you mentioned in your post, I agree that just telling an ugly person other ugly people would date them might not help. It might be something they are already aware of subconsciously or consciously, but they literally need to believe something else in order to avoid damaging themselves further.

JapchaeNoddle · 2022-08-07T18:55:39+00:00

They should be based on what you truly want with out over or under-inflating your ego. You only hurt yoruself in the long run by over or under inflating yourself

Also, one should take into account that the rest of the world does not revolve to you… Other people will have their own desires as well.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-08-07T20:15:09+00:00

Yes it is subjective because it's everybody's individual opinion on what they want , you can't make somebody want you if they don't want you. Well not in American Society. Why should Society cater to the ugly person ,correct ? When so many men complain about the body positive movement as being something that gives individuals false hope and inflates egos falsely . Well so is telling ugly people that they're desired for procreating with , when in reality some people don't have the desired genetics one wants for procreation.

ManWazo · 2022-08-07T19:12:32+00:00

Yeah if the ugly guy who has no results doesnt want to lower his standards, thats his choice. But its not "chads" or "women" who cause his unsuccesse, its his own choices. He starts being a loser when he blames others for his own actions.

801735 · 2022-08-07T19:14:59+00:00

Should your standards be set internally based on what you want and how you see yourself

Whoah, whoah, whoah, there, cow~~boy~~ ~~horse~~ ~~stallion~~ bull.

Just how long do you expect to not change, presuming you did the work to >for the moment, like it usually is, until you take the next step up in your life< last? I mean, that, knowing what you want, sounds really exciting and so "cemented for the foreseeable fuewture", but there's this ONLY constant in life, which is change, and it includes you, your environment and especially your wants.

So, be sure to only fixate one eye on the goal you think you might believe you potentially have absolutely surely 105% for sure guaranteed set until you completely change your mind, be it on a whim, by chance, with new data you managed to grind down into info to base your further decision(s?) on, or whatever else there is, including, but not limited to "unforeseen Murphyisms" (Remember, Murphy is a repeat sex offender, he fucks everyone, multiple times if necessary).

the idea of an ugly dude that is upset because he can’t get hot girls he’s actually attracted to but he isn’t even considering ugly girls

Eh, people are upset because they choose to be upset.

"If only the Universe bent to my will! Roar!" "It does." (Pick_a_choo_choo face intensifies)

For people framing the “ugly” guy as delusional

Just ignore it. Compare yourself to youryesteday's self instead and you'll see progress being made daily, if you put the heat of working into the metal and cool it off with droplets of sweat.

People need to stop trying to pressure people into doing something they don’t want to do by saying that’s the level they are on obviously

Just... ignore it. Compare yourself to youryesteday's self instead and you'll see progress being made daily, if you put the heat of working into the metal and cool it off with droplets of sweat.

Hey, if it helps, I can lend you 5 cents of wisdom: It's all you. You are them. If "they" fuck you, you (your mind) was complicit in "teh cry'm".

What are the three good things you managed to make happen today? Compared to yesterday, what steps did you take you didn't think you c(/w?)ould?

drew8311 · 2022-08-07T19:58:29+00:00

Standards ultimately come down to the balance of happiness being single vs happiness with the best partner you can obtain + effort to get that partner. It is possible you could be happier being single than whatever partner you could obtain. For most people a partner they would be happy with seems just out of reach, but some self improvement can tip the scales in your favor. Unrealistic standards is when your happiness is LOWER when your single but you remain single anyway because your standards are too high for whatever reason.

Pilling_it · 2022-08-07T20:51:42+00:00

Should your standards be set internally based on what you want and how you see yourself or should they be based on the results you are getting and how others may see you?

Standards are a product of your desires (internal) confronted to the reality (external).

But who decides the guy is ugly?

Women as a collective.

For people framing the “ugly” guy as delusional

People in general don't like to hear other complains. Be it men (get good) or women (lower your standards).

sarkington · 2022-08-07T19:06:17+00:00

Why can a person not decide this for themselves?

HazyMemory7 · 2022-08-07T20:21:25+00:00

Results 100%. A young, fit 8/10 women with no kids can require a man to be tall, handsome, and very successful financially and actually attract that sort of man to date her seriously. Emphasis on date seriously, casual sex is not the barometer for the level of man a woman can attract. I do not view this topic to be remotely subjective or complex. It's really simple.

If your standards are in line with who you can attract, they are realistic standards. If your standards are high enough that you are outright unable to attract someone that meets them, they are unrealistic, and you have 3 options:

Improve yourself
Lower your standards
Die alone

Option 1 should always be the choice. This is something most modern day women quite frankly do not want to do, which is relevant because their standards are more commonly unrealistic. Granted, there are some aspects that you can't improve. If you are a single mother for example, you will inherently have a significantly more limited dating pool.

Freelovehighway · 2022-08-07T18:59:43+00:00

The guy should go for what he finds attractive but the invisible hand decides his faith. It's not because of the benevolence of the becky, stacy or lisa that some relationship is formed but out of the mutual selfishness to get the best that they can get. The type of people who tell the 'ugly' guy to settle just don't want to face up the chaos and harshness of dating dynamics.

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SirTruffleberry · 2022-08-07T19:27:44+00:00

This is a silly question. The "internal" standard is always perfection. Reality falls short of whatever form that takes, and that's why people strategize about dating in the first place.

Dating is a well-known supply and demand problem. You're asking us what demand would look like if we ignore the supply.

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-08-07T19:39:04+00:00

based on the results

The issue is realistic standards. A person sets their standards internally. To either their detriment, or success. Ultimately though, what matters are results. Which is where TRP comes in.

Godspeed and good luck!

purplish_possum · 2022-08-07T20:53:16+00:00

Your priorities are set internally. How close a guy can get to his ideal is dictated by external factors.

My priorities are that to be considered relationship material a woman has to be very smart,educated, industrious, self reliant, kind, brave, fun, adventurous, and loyal. I'll choose a plain woman with a good mix of these attributes over hot woman who doesn't check these boxes.

I choose what I'm looking for. The marketplace determines how close I can get to my ideal.

Harvest895 · 2022-08-07T21:38:46+00:00

What do you mean by hot? How do you see as hot in women? Curvy body? Pretty face? Good taste in movies??? These differ for every person. And no you can’t have it all. There’s nothing wrong with settling for less. All that should matter is that she makes you happy.

_Oh_Be_Nice_ · 2022-08-07T21:52:09+00:00

Get good, settle, check out, or live in delusion.

Those are the choices.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-08-07T22:36:41+00:00

Both. But you must be realistic.

WOPR-1983 · 2022-08-07T23:34:24+00:00

It's a marketplace.

What your'e getting in the marketplace is what you can get.

If you want more, you need to bring more.

It doesn't matter how badly slanted or stupid the market is or gets.

Women are well aware of their market value - because they can see with their own eyes the calibre of man they can get into their bedroom.

M3taBuster · 2022-08-08T01:08:29+00:00

You should only ever date someone if you see them as a 10/10. Otherwise it isn't fair to them. Everyone deserves a partner that is head over heels for them. And if you don't feel that way, you are hurting them by allowing them to grow attached to you and wasting their time, which they could spend finding someone who does feel that way about them.

But to "afford" someone you see as a 10, you also have to be at least attractive enough to be seen as a 10 in some niche or another. If that's not currently the case, then you need to change that before getting into a relationship.

I firmly believe that every relationship should be 2 people who see each other as a perfect 10--or bust.

Fun_Push7168 · 2022-08-08T01:23:40+00:00

Quite simply, we usually just test ourselves against rejection or acceptance and eventually figure out where we start to get some acceptance. The highest level we gain acceptance is what we aim for but end up with an average of partners a bit below that.

It's how we perceive others we are most aware of ( we have very little ability to rate ourselves like others do).

This is shown most readily by the experiment where people place numbers on their forehead and are all told to go pair up with the highest number they can find that will accept them. The numbers are objective but it illustrates the point. People end up within 1 point of each other.

Subjectiveness only dilutes it marginally.

I can think I'm the hottest guy on the planet, if it's nowhere close to consensus then I am delusional. Much the same way that what is normal and what is insane is determined by a general consensus or comparison to the broader population.

thedeadpill · 2022-08-08T02:05:49+00:00

You set your standards to be what you want in a partner and what you can tolerate.

People here really underrate being single.

Smithersink · 2022-08-08T02:08:06+00:00

It’s a balance, but it ultimately depends on you and what’s going to make you happy. Obviously you can’t expect perfection; unless you’re perfect (and you’re not) then you have to set your standards reasonable to what you can achieve. But you also don’t want to settle for dating someone you’re not attracted to. Basically, if nobody who wants to date you is in your standards, then lower your standards; if still nobody wants to date you and you aren’t willing to let your standards go any lower, then you have to change something about yourself. But ultimately, you don’t want to settle with someone you’re unhappy with; you have to ask yourself at every step if you’d rather be alone than be in a relationship with someone you won’t like. There’s honor in making that decision, as long as you don’t let it make you bitter and hateful. I think the most honorable thing in dating, and what will make you the happiest, is just owning your decisions.

Willow-girl · 2022-08-08T11:02:58+00:00

People want what they want. Whether the feeling is mutual is another question altogether. But not being able to get what you want usually doesn't make getting something you don't want acceptable.

ruboyuri · 2022-08-08T15:06:00+00:00

Your standards should be set by you, as decided by your human capability of thought

RinoaRita · 2022-08-08T17:43:52+00:00

Everyone can shoot their shot as long as they can take a no gracefully. And people should be graceful when saying no as long as they were nice about it.

On the flip side if you’re aiming too high be ready to be alone for a while.

The guy in this scenario and the woman who was sleeping with chad in those youth who are supposedly alpha widowed all have the right to keep looking for people that meet their standards but can’t do surprised pikachu face when they’re alone.

Scarypaperplates · 2022-08-08T22:03:28+00:00

I look for what I offer in myself. So it has been a struggle to find someone but thats life.

vogel777 · 2022-08-09T07:21:36+00:00

Any one can have the standards they like, If the old ugly guy wants to marry a 21 year old beauty queen then fine. However he also has to respect the standards of the 21 year old beauty queen and accept that she doesn’t have to want him and is in fact highly unlikely to want him. He needs to accept rejection without becoming angry or resentful. The problem comes where that man feels entitled to a woman who doesn’t want him.

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