How do men not be jealous?

BillyPilgrim75 · 2023-01-12T15:07:21+00:00

With all the messages we (all people) get about sex and romance it's almost impossible to never feel some envy if you're not participating. The feeling is pretty natural and not something you can make not happen. What you do with it is up to you though.

The problem isn't the impulsive thought "I'm afraid any woman I get with will have more experience than me". It isn't necessarily true or necessarily something to fear, but we all fear something that isn't really a threat. Or we greatly fear something that's only mildly threatening.

The problem is dwelling on what you fear. Exaggerating the likelihood of it occurring, or the conseq1uences if it does, and telling a story where you're the tragic and doomed main character. None of that is necessary or inevitable when you just think "Damn, what if she's way more experienced than me?"

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-01-12T16:15:38+00:00

I’d say the first step is to stop letting your virginity define you and stop defining women by their (imagined, since you really don’t know) body counts. This doesn’t mean “just forget about it,” but the fixation will hold you back. You are not obligated to tell anyone you’re a virgin, and I would strongly suggest not leading with your virginity when dating someone new. Not because male virginity is some horrible thing, I actually suggest the same for women. Because there are a lot more important things about you as a person. You are “disqualifying” yourself automatically.

Going into a date thinking “I’m going to get to know this woman and see where it goes,” is a lot less scary than “Ugh how am I going to tell her I’m a virgin?” Take that topic off the table completely until things start moving toward sex or something serious, and even then, it’s entirely up to you. Do not ask her how many men she’s been with, as most will find that off-putting and it will just open a can of worms for having to talk about your sexual history or lack thereof. Instead, try to date women who have more conservative attitudes toward sex, are more shy and reserved, etc., doesn’t have to be a specific type but probably just not the super outgoing party girl.

All that being said, if someone is a virgin at 30 or 40, there’s usually a reason, or many reasons. And those will be what continues to stop you, not just the fact you’re a virgin.

CimZim · 2023-01-12T12:33:00+00:00

How do men not get jealous that women have more experience

Men who have had few sexual partners should vet for women who have also had only a few. We do exist, it's not as if every woman in the world has had 10+ sex partners. I'm 37 and my N is 1. Other women of my age will have have only 2 or 3. It's silly to be jealous of the random, nebulous idea of people who have had more sex...just focus on keeping them out of your relationships if it bothers you. Like, I would never date a high N man either, so it's on me to ensure that doesn't happen.

I was reading the thread about virgin men and it seems that the only acceptable way for a guy to be inexperienced and older is if he didn't care about relationships or was religous. Sad to say most men are that way not by choice so I can see why these guys get frustrated because they were disqualified and never had a chance.

Who's saying what is or isn't "acceptable"? Individuals? Then vet against those women who would judge you for it. I think it's perfectly acceptable for a man (or woman) to say that they are a 35 year old virgin because dating is very difficult for them and they didn't want to hire a sex worker. Because dating and finding someone to have sex with is very hard for some of us. It'll be more of a challenge to find someone who understands that, but again, we do exist.

toasterchild · 2023-01-12T11:46:02+00:00

The advice would depend on the guy and how much he focuses on these thoughts and how much it is negatively impacting his life. Lots of people make themselves miserable focusing on people who have things they don't, it's not uncommon. The thing is it only serves to make you more and more miserable. If you're at the point these thoughts are causing you pain it would be beneficial to seek a therapist who can help you retrain your thoughts to avoid topics that hurt you.

NeitherManner · 2023-01-12T11:48:21+00:00

If you’ve made it to middle adulthood without one single person who’s wanted to have sex with you, what are you doing? Have you looksmaxxed and gymmaxxed? Do you leave your house and engage in social activities? Are you financially stable (or are you still living in your mom’s basement?)

I’ll also tell you a secret: you don’t have to tell anyone that you’re a virgin. That eliminates that disqualifyer completely. Even if you absolutely suck in bed the first time (you will; everyone does at first), and the woman nexts you, well, at least you’re not a virgin anymore, and you’ll have had some practice for the next one. You just have to get some sexual inertia.

And like Januaryphilosopher said, focusing on what others have that you don’t doesn’t give you those things or make you happy. Focus on what the experienced women can teach you. You don’t need to be a woman’s best, or first, or only to be good enough either.

Sophiatab · 2023-01-12T15:08:13+00:00

The same way women who are virgins or have only had a few partners handle not being jealous if they fall in love/marry a man who has had a lot of lovers. They either accept their partners past as the past or they don't continue the relationship.

mugdul · 2023-01-12T17:46:52+00:00

Oh, I'm sure there's some way for men to not be jealous. Maybe they could try not having emotions or something? Or maybe they could just suck it up and accept that life isn't fair. I mean, who cares if they never had a chance at relationships or any kind of sexual experience? It's not like that's an important part of being a human or anything. And honestly, who cares if women see it as a red flag? If a man can't even be open about his struggles or the real reason for them, then he probably doesn't deserve a chance anyway. Just kidding, I don't actually care about you or your struggles.

EugeneCezanne · 2023-01-12T20:08:15+00:00

Why are you asking women? Surely men who have conquered this kind of jealousy would be a better resource than women who have never had to deal with it.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-01-12T10:58:17+00:00

By stopping fixating on those who have things they don't. It isn't common for women to have sex with lots of different people, but if you focus on them it'll seem like it's everyone. It isn't common for men to be virgins at thirty either, but those who are should realise that there's a similar (I believe slightly higher now) number of women in the same position. There's no point in directing your frustration at women as a group, and there's no point in caring about what people you don't want to date anyway think about whether they'd date you.

houstongradengineer · 2023-01-12T12:03:20+00:00

I would say find someone equally inexperienced. Or get really trashed with alcohol and eventually have some bad experiences. It won't be pleasant, but it will be something to remember!

Personally, I never thought about a guy being inexperienced by choice. Men can ask out anyone without being thought of as weird, after all, pursuing women is what men do. You would think one lady would have said yes. If you were younger- say 25 or under- I would say do that. Ask out who you like properly, and show an interest in relationships by figuring out what works.

localmicrodosechamp · 2023-01-12T19:33:02+00:00

go to therapy, read books, zoom out and realize life is bigger than sex.

ffandyy · 2023-01-12T20:02:35+00:00

Because I’m a grown man and I don’t get insecure about what other people have done

gymbro718nyc2 · 2023-01-13T12:11:29+00:00

Who is fucking all these women for them to have so much more experience than men? Isn't it....I don't know, men?

snoob2015 · 2023-01-14T12:54:16+00:00

I understand where you're coming from with feeling frustrated as a man who is older and inexperienced in romantic relationships. It can be tough navigating dating and social situations when societal expectations often place a high value on sexual experience. But it's important to remember that everyone's experiences and paths in life are unique and should be respected.

Just because someone may not have a lot of sexual experience doesn't mean they're not a valuable and attractive partner. There are many other qualities and characteristics that make someone desirable, such as empathy, kindness, intelligence, and a good sense of humor.

It's never too late to learn and improve in relationships. Communication and relationship skills can be learned and developed.

Everyone has different preferences and opinions, don't let societal expectations define your self-worth, be open and honest about who you are and what you're looking for, and respect others' boundaries and preferences.

Ultimately, focus on being the best version of yourself, that's what really matters.

suj1290 · 2023-01-12T11:04:31+00:00

Most women are more experienced tha guys so they always have to hide their bitterness and those women are experienced with guys better than him so...

blebbyroo · 2023-01-12T10:14:52+00:00

Yes at 40 the chances are slim

eholt21 · 2023-01-12T16:49:16+00:00

As an alpha I don't get jealous because they can be easily replaced.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-12T17:51:28+00:00

How do men not get jealous that women have more experience especially the men who are older and have none

Plenty just don't look at it that way. They don't think sexual experience is the measure of a person, they acknowledge that people have different lives and dynamics and luck.

I know women are going to say do other things but how does this address the inexperience part? If women think its a red flag at 30 why would it get better at 40?

Not that it's a representative sample of the US or the world, but even in threads here asking women if it's a red flag, most people said it would be something they were curious about but more to know the reason behind it, that the lack of experience in and of itself wasn't necessarily a red flag.

For example, in my case, I don't care if a man or woman has sexual experience by a certain age, but I might need to know why.

If they are conservative and 'waiting for the one' I'm not the right person for them.

If the reason they are a late bloomer is because they've only asked out one person in their life, I might need to find out if they are going to be able to quickly learn to communicate what they want to me, and to voice their opinions on what they like or would like to try in bed, and that they will be able to ultimately express passion and curiosity in the bedroom.

I am willing to help someone learn (there are still a lot of things I am learning myself) but they still need to be hungry and ultimately meet me with a similar level of desire and ability to communicate what they want and need in the bedroom, what they have questions about et cetera.

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-12T18:08:35+00:00

I mean, I'm sure some guys don't have a chance.

I think, this is just a game theory, the problem is actually that most of these guys are chasing after sex and not relationships. And yeah, if you don't have sexual experience, you don't have sexual experience. And maybe and probably you can find a woman who doesn't care about that, but most promiscuous women do (that's what makes them promiscuous).

So these guys are kind of sabotaging themselves by not chasing a relationship. Because a relationship requires relationship experience more than sexual experience. And these women are WAY more likely to not care about you not having sexual experience.

I think most guys could demonstrate they're good relationship material by having good relationships with friends (female friends especially would help here), family, and their community in such a way that it is obvious they're emotionally and communicatively well-developed and prepared for a committed romantic relationship.

Most women aren't turning down men due to a lack of sexual experience alone. These guys tend to be your bread and butter introverts who don't have almost any good relationships on display, probably have few if any hobbies that speak well of their character, are socially awkward, and just in general don't have anything about them that makes them a good candidate for a relationship (and most women have sex within relationships).

But again, you can work on being socially adept. You can work on having good relationships. Romance isn't the only avenue for this sort of thing.

inherentlyvalued · 2023-01-12T19:14:02+00:00

they do not think of relationships as a competition or an ownership situation

Technical_Touch1162 · 2023-01-13T02:44:04+00:00

What I don't get is how why would it be easier for average men to get relationships but not casual? Like I'm not attractive enough for casual sex but I'm good enough to have a relationship? Like how is getting a relationship easier when women expect more out of relationships?

2023-01-13T10:22:57+00:00

Another acceptable reason is he has more conservative values and doesn't want to have sex with any girl until he meets "the one". I had a crush on a guy like this for awhile. He was very peculiar about that value even though he was atheist.

Personally I don't believe in "sexual experience" - as in being with more partners somehow makes you better at sex. Sex is always going to be a unique experience with a different person and whether it's good depends on your and her attitude going about it.

I guess what I mean is, not all women think about sex like this, if that helps. A lot of us have more conservative values and don't like a guy takes pride in promiscuity or being "experienced".

mugdul · 2023-01-13T21:30:54+00:00

Men not getting jealous that women have more experience is not an issue. If a man is older and has none, it's because he was disqualified and never had a chance. They can't even be open about their struggles or the real reason for struggling or that would ruin whatever chances they would have if any. Society has deemed men who are virgins past a certain age as undesirable and they are seen as a red flag. Women are not going to change their minds about this. They don't want an older, inexperienced man. They want someone who has been with other women and knows how to please them. Men who are older and inexperienced should just accept that they don't have a chance and move on.

New_Relative_8709 · 2023-01-14T01:20:20+00:00

Just find someone and get laid

Title	How do men not be jealous?
Author	Mysterious_Pop3394
Upvotes	24
Comments	61
Date	January 12, 2023 2:55 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/109oafy/how_do_men_not_be_jealous/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-do-men-not-be-jealous.1146012 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146012

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