How to Find Meaning

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-01-23T15:41:11+00:00

It gets easier in my experience, and then much much harder before it levels out again. Prepare for all the stages. I was great at one point, and I just am getting through the hardest 5 months of my life looking back and questioning everything I did. I missed her, wanted her back, I'd have given anything. It's slowly turning back to anger and hopefully acceptance after that, but it changes a lot in the beginning. Focus on you, that's the best advice I've gotten here. Also, if it gets bad it's not permanent, just another phase. Good luck brother

thenotknown2022 · 2023-01-23T18:42:27+00:00

if you think about it your life did not have "meaning" before.

you were in service to others, your wife especially, but your family as well.

so you were keeping busy, doing tasks, fullfilling obligations, fixing problems, puting out fires, without actually having to think about the meaning of your life and your existence, because you were keeping so busy and occupied. probably watching dumb tv shows with wife in downtime etc etc

you now have a golden opportunity, to work out who you are, what you want out of your life, what your reason for being here is.

this was possibly going to happen for you one way or another, either when your spouse died, or you retired.

now you get to do it when you are much younger and stronger, and you can actually make a difference on the outcome.

seize the day brother and don't look back. every day is full of opportunity.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-01-23T16:43:26+00:00

This is all about your frame of reference.

Previously, like most men, you saw the world through your wife’s eyes without knowing it.

Your entire life was geared toward pleasing her and providing.

Now you will have to see the world as YOU see it.

Bobtron666 · 2023-01-23T16:08:21+00:00

I felt the same for the first few weeks/months after separation. Went from essentially dedicating my life to my family to suddenly feeling completely pointless and surplus. It was rough. It mostly just took time, but a bit of therapy helped too. Hang in there man, it gets better.

Jonger1150 · 2023-01-23T19:25:14+00:00

Damn, I went through all of this too.

You're not alone bud

sicrm · 2023-01-23T15:50:22+00:00

any major change has an adjustment period.

an outlet can help a lot if you don’t have one already (going to the gym, picking up a hobby, joining a fighting club or class for something you want to learn).

if you go with the fighting club, tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

michaelrhodes1977 · 2023-01-23T17:19:18+00:00

I did a lot of soul searching, working on myself. Coaches, therapist, books, podcasts... I just started on a journey of defining myself all over again. Started a podcast, about Divorce (it's 2 years old now) and eventually started coaching others through this shit show. So, I think, the answer is, start a mission of redefining yourself. No stone left unturned, try things, find the new you. That's what I did. I still have bad days, they would come with and without Divorce, but I am much better, and a much better man than when the process started and certainly from when I said, I do.

rhett342 · 2023-01-23T18:54:58+00:00

I feel want you're saying. It's like very word you've written in this post and your responses could have coke from me. I built my life around my wife and family and now that she's gone I'm finding that I'm just not that interesting of a person now. I've said before that I feel like I'm falling f down this big dark hole, hitting and breaking stuff on my way down, and terrified of what's going to happen when I hit the bottom.

Worth_Shoulder3006 · 2023-01-23T23:35:45+00:00

I don't know the answer (albeit it I may be in the same boat soon). From my heart and so many posts here there is ONE theme; be selfish !!!! On yourself. Please find something that interests you; books, movies, hobbies, travel, walking,.working out, SOMETHING!!!!

You have a wonderfully potential life ahead of you, grab it !!! Own it !!! Enjoy it !!!

5unshine_Daydream · 2023-01-23T21:31:38+00:00

One thing I have learned is that I don't "find" meaning, I create/decide it. When I stopped being have a couple, it just didn't feel the same. Some of it no longer applied, some was altered and some...well. The most important thing you can do is feel it - the grieving, the boredom, the confusion - and then let it propel you toward action. Spend some time by yourself resetting to who you want to be and who you are. I personally would no go down the self-help rabbit hole.

Micro_Peanuts · 2023-01-23T22:33:33+00:00

It will take you a while to reinvent your mind and life, but once you do it will be fantastic. Your goal should be self actualization and living a life of love, whatever you find those to mean for you. You have infinite possibilities, and the world is going to be your oyster now!

JohnnyMnemo · 2023-01-23T23:24:59+00:00

Immediately before getting divorced I knew roughly what the next 15 years were going to look like.

The week after, my time frame collapsed to literally the next day. It over time grew and re-expanded again, but it was definitely a process of rebuilding desire, planning for those desires, and realigning my goals.

It was frankly one of the hardest points of the process.

I know what I want to do in 5 years now, and it took 3 years to get here. Any further out than that I still don't quite know.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-01-24T00:20:23+00:00

You will have ups and downs in the next months. In my experience, first weeks I would feel numb, neutral, like I was watching a movie, with some downs when I realized it wasn’t a movie. Also, there were moments when I felt relief because I wasn’t being yelled at and no longer walking on eggshells.

Good days became more usual, and I began chaining several of them, so I had long good periods of time, but there are always also bad days or weeks.

I think the ups and downs are slower and longer lasting, so I can be fine for some weeks, but also when I feel blue it lasts more, eg the Christmas Holidays have been 2 awful weeks.

I hope not to plummet in the next months, since I have several events coming (my first lone birthday, first Valentine’s Day, first anniversary and first year post split, all in 5 weeks).

So, if you feel bad now and then, it is normal, don’t hurry, it will take time to get well.

brutusburger · 2023-01-24T02:50:08+00:00

i dont know if kids are involved, but away from them has been the hardest part for me, feeling like they were turned against me

Amazing-Statement-43 · 2023-01-23T16:56:51+00:00

I am too young and too immature to offer any advice. However it will get better. Fitness, journaling, friends tend to help a bit. Don't force yourself to socialize if you don't feel like it.

Blaqmagik1 · 2023-01-23T20:53:56+00:00

Go to the strip club on Friday night, then go to the humane society Saturday morning.

Get a dog. It will help give you something to focus on, and provide a sense of companionship

upvotersfortruth · 2023-01-24T01:09:21+00:00

Rediscovering doing what I want to do without asking or negotiating or being made to feel guilty was pretty meaningful. Not sure if you have kids but my time with them also became much more meaningful without interference or redirection to what she wanted.

Afroviking1 · 2023-01-24T02:57:07+00:00

Hey buddy, I'm about a year from the separation date, and about to wrap up the divorce. I will echo the fact that the first few months you are truly lost. Hygiene went down, ate like crap, and stayed in the house all day.

However, now, everything is better than it was, and it turns out she is the one having a hard time. I don't know of your professional achievements, but now I see I was worth so much more. This is not the most important thing, but now i have a phone full of messages from interested women, because they recognize my value.

Bro, you are amazing, you go and fight the world everyday, and produce, probably more than she ever has. You can fix things, you intuitively understand how mechanical things work, or maybe you can work a complex computer program. Bottom line is, recognize your worth and you will be just fine.

ntiedshoe · 2023-01-24T09:27:06+00:00

I ended up abusing alcohol and drugs. It took me a while but I'm now sober nearly one year.

Learn from my mistakes - speak to your friends, family members you can trust to be a relief rather than a burden. You lay not be in to it but meditation helps. Walks and coffee with friends. Making plans even if you can't possibly think that far in to the future.

Your emotional resilience will build and your new routine will be a comfort. It will get better, I promise.

Title	How to Find Meaning
Author	Acrobatic_Light_8889
Upvotes	25
Comments	33
Date	January 23, 2023 3:14 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10jeseu/how_to_find_meaning/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-find-meaning.1149225 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149225

Comments