I need serious advice, I am the girl that men date before they get into a serious relationship

Jenneapolis · 2023-02-25T23:42:30+00:00

I highly doubt it’s anything you are doing that’s contributing to them being ready for a relationship with the next one (you aren’t helping them fly). There is some reason they do not want a relationship with YOU in particular and you need to figure out what that is. It could be something we have no clue of from this post.

One theory: It sounds like you’re falling for these men very quickly and they can feel that. Men do not want a woman who they think falls for every guy that comes along and just wants to be in a relationship. They don’t want someone who is head over heels for them before they even know them. Men want to feel loved because he believes he earned you and made you fall in love with them because of who he actually is. If you are falling hard for all these guys, chances are it’s not that they’re special and you’re really in love, it’s just that they are the ones there at that time. And if they tell you they don’t want a relationship and you stick around talking to them, well then they aren’t going to think you have self-respect.

I would slow your roll. Date slowly, look for someone who is truly compatible, keep letting them know you want something serious and walk immediately if they say they don’t, do not be the first one to text him and ask him out all the time, make sure you have hobbies and things in your life you can talk to them about that you’re passionate about, don’t come on too strong, don’t make them think you’re crazy about them from day one.

essdee06 · 2023-02-25T22:59:56+00:00

Just throwing this out there because I’m doing a lot of self-reflection of my own. But is it possible you’re coming across too clingy/needy early on? Do you drop everything to please them? Do you maintain your own life/interests/self-care? I know for myself, I would often take on a motherly-role and inadvertently treat my spouse as if he were a child at times. It took me a long time to realize how disrespectful and unattractive that was even though I thought I was just trying to show my love/care for him.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-02-26T00:07:10+00:00

I just want to know why this happens and how I can avoid this.

I feel you. I was a real life "Good Luck Chuck". Smth like 5 of my gfs from my 20s all married the next man they dated, after I taught them how to act right ("Yah, those GNOs? How about no.") and how to please a man. My problem was, at that time, I was what they wanted when they were 30. Too much of a "Steady Eddie" and not yet the Dark Lord of TRP^TM. /shrugs

You might want to watch your hypergamy, because you are dating at the top of your range, I think, so exclusivity is easier to get than the ring. It's depressing, I know - been there.

The more positive view is that none of those guys were your person. So while things seem sucky now - and at 23, you're doing fine - things will work out if you keep doing the right things get/stay in shape, learn to cook or broaden your existing skills, etc. Stay positive.

"Don't worry - Everything is running right on time."

-The Universe.

princess_mothra · 2023-02-25T22:45:21+00:00

If you are doing any of these things, stop immediately:

Sleeping with a man when you are not in an established relationship.
Doing girlfriend/wife things for men who are not your boyfriend/husband.
Entertaining men who say they’re not ready for a relationship. For the right woman a man will be ready. As soon as he seems flop floppy/flakey drop him. At your age it is the time to vet as much as possible as time is on your side. There is 0 reason to waste any of your precious time on a guy who isn’t sure about you/you’re not sure of.
Going after men fresh out of longterm relationships.
Stop fixing “broken” men. Stop stop stop. They will always “upgrade”. You need to seek only men who are complete.

CountTheBees · 2023-02-25T22:02:06+00:00

Hey, this sentence is confusing to me, can you explain what it means:

I feel like it’s too forward to say at the very beginning we have to date before I agree to see you

Also, what bugs me is apparently this guy's figured it out:

Even one of my ex’s said to me that he has a feeling that other guys have taken advantage of me because he thought it was likely to happen to me.

But he didn't clue you into how/why it was happening. Did you have a discussion with him about that statement? Do you know what he meant in more detail?

Margareydragonslayer · 2023-02-26T02:59:36+00:00

is it possible that you’re spotting a “pattern” where there isnt one? I dont want to delegitimize how awful this feels, but I’m wondering if maybe the pain of it happening is causing your brain to search wildly for an explanation where there may not be one. Sometimes it’s just really bad luck.

I would really urge you to avoid getting attached to a specific narrative like “I’m the girl guys dump before finding the woman of their dreams”. It’s an awful narrative to have and it may not be true! If you really believe this, you might start feeling jaded and close yourself off to love, or you might start becoming really jealous and bitter which can actively sabotage your ability to find your person.

Again, if this has happened like six times in a row, then that’s super weird and something may be up. But if it’s happened maybe three… maybe four times?? It may just be really awful luck. Sometimes God just hands us really bad luck and we need to continue to have faith <3

nikkidelicious · 2023-02-26T03:59:40+00:00

Girl! You need to be dating multiple guys and refuse to be exclusive until a guy is ready to be in a relationship with you. You are making it too clear early on that you def want a relationship and are really into the men, you are getting much more attached to them than they are to you…and that’s a turn off. Read the book “the four man plan.” I can’t remember if that is the exact title but the premise is, don’t put all your energy into one guy hoping he’ll decide you’re the one, date four guys at a time. Put YOURSELF in the seat of being the evaluator, being the one choosing between the men you’re dating. As soon as one says he’s not sure about a relationship with you…BYE! Focus on the other men you’re dating.

SunshineSundress · 2023-02-26T05:41:41+00:00

You might benefit from a post I wrote about this very topic: The False Myth of the Practice Wife, and How Not To Be Her.

There’s a lot of important RPW theory in the beginning and body of the post that explains why this can happen that I highly reccomend you read, but the crux of how to get out of this situation is this:

Practice Wives are ultimately responsible for their own misfortune because they failed their main job in their relationship strategy: to inspire commitment from their man. Both the Practice Wife and the “b*tch/slut/whore” he proposed/committed to to were dealt the same hand when it comes to the power dynamics of sex and commitment. And yet, the b*tch/whore/slut’s girl game was tight enough to secure that man’s commitment, while Practice Wife’s girl game wasn’t. The man didn’t commit to the so-called Practice Wife because she didn’t inspire further commitment, not because he was using her for practice for someone better. Evidently, they broke up for a reason.

To take this one layer deeper, this also means that the Practice Wife isn’t real. She’s a scarecrow that scorned women create to 1) protect their own egos 2) shift the blame from themselves to the men who didn’t want to commit to them 3) refuse to have any agency or accountability for their outcomes. By hiding behind this scarecrow and not addressing the mistakes that got her here, these women are only doing a disservice to themselves (and anyone naive enough to listen to them).

So 1) stop protecting your ego. Be brutally honest with yourself about your SMV/RMV, and accept that it was too low to inspire commitment from the man you desired. 2) Stop shifting the blame. You cannot control how much other people suck or how they choose to treat you. You can know which men to vet for and which men are more likely to commit , and you can learn exactly what inspires the vast majority of men to commit. With the knowledge that you’re at fault comes the power to change it. 3) Stop seeing yourself as a victim AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Improve your SMV/RMV, vet and pick the right men for you, and become the feminine, sweet, submissive, and nurturing woman that men crave so badly.

If you can’t beat the “b*tch/whore/slut” who got what you wanted, then join her, take a page or two out of her book, and use some of her girl game. Luckily for you, there’s tons of resources here at RPW that shows you how to do just that. So if you ever find yourself stepping into the Practice Wife’s hay-filled shoes, stop making a straw-manned victim out of yourself and take the accountability needed to become better.

TLDR: There’s no such thing as a Practice Wife, only women who failed to inspire commitment in the men they’re dating. Stop hiding behind this false myth and do something to change your own odds for the better.

worldlysentiments · 2023-02-25T21:54:50+00:00

My thoughts, because I had this happen a lot in past. They are emotionally immature and latch onto someone who is nice, mature, willing to “take care of them” until they’re ready to fly. Any guy this ever happened to with me looking back, I realize they had a lot of problems and I was the “mommy” nurturing person they wanted to help them. Focusing on dating men who are already established in their identity and self worth. You guys should be growing as people along side of each other, not to be harsh on guys because people have some issues here and there, but if the balance of how secure you are, established, self confident, is too high compared to the man, he’s gonna ride that ride until he’s off to the next one. They have to be on your level of higher.

In addition, never date someone that you’re in love with the “future” them. The “what if”. Like “he doesn’t go to school or have a stable plan but if I help him work on his confidence, I bet he would”. That is a dream you are chasing. I definitely found myself in the past looking for projects because I am the fixer type. Lol

TimelyVisitor · 2023-02-26T02:12:04+00:00

My intuition? It's not other girls, it's not you, it's the type of men YOU are choosing. Set your aim higher, you're worth it.

sageparadise · 2023-02-26T09:27:53+00:00

Girl are you me??? Lol! We’re the same age and dating background but I met guys on apps. I was literally the girl version of good luck chuck. Lmao this was literally me 18-20 but then I flipped into the LTR girl. Idek how I did it but I had my boyfriend for a little over a year, took about ten months off dating anyone (heartbreak then breast cancer diagnosis 🥴 lol) and then began dating someone in December 2022. He is the sweetest, most emotionally intelligent, warmest, mature guy I’ve ever known and I’m incredibly lucky. He’s also very supportive of my health and what’s going on right now with me. I can see us going the distance.

I would offer advice but I don’t know how I did it. It was a lot of frogs before meeting what looks like could be my prince. I’m still hesitant to call him that because you know, trauma lol. It sounds like you know what you want and you voice that to these men, I would say when I was younger I probably didn’t. I knew I didn’t want anything casual but I never showed that in my actions or words, I wasn’t dating with intention. It could be that you’re coming off a little strong I’m not sure.

YouTube videos have really helped! Tony Gaskins is a man who gives really great, fabulous, and more importantly, real dating advice. It’s not the usual “be yourself” crap. He really makes women think and reflect in order to be better women and someone a guy wants to date and marry. You may cringe a lot because you may see things in yourself realizing how it comes off to guys, I know I was! He admits he was the player who didn’t take girls seriously, cheated etc. until he met his wife and she stopped him in his tracks. Go through this videos, the one with his wife Sheri is mind blowing. I literally remember watching it in awe realizing how wrong I was about dating. He is Christian (I’m not really religious) so some of the advice he gives leans a little religious but it’s not super heavy handed. It still applies. I bought one of his books, the one he wrote with his wife and I literally had to stop reading it, it was too painful to read at one point because it resonated so well with me about who I was in the past and how guys treated me.

I’m so sorry about everything you’re going through sister. You’re not alone and you will find a guy who realizes you are everything he’s looking for. If I can do it, so can you! If you can do it, therapy is also wonderful. I’m sending you all my love. 🫶🏿

Maree70 · 2023-02-26T03:02:22+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. Honestly maybe you are not compatible with these guys.it’s cool for them to hookup with you, but they not seeing a relationship coming out of it .

Mhatilda_Morter · 2023-02-26T17:18:53+00:00

Recommended reading: Why Men Love Bitches

GroovieSmoothies · 2023-02-26T20:55:24+00:00

Are these guys very tall, good looking and "out of your league"? I've noticed in most cases when a guy doesn't want to commit it's because he feels like he's out of a girls league lookswise and can do better.

Armchair678 · 2023-02-25T21:24:08+00:00

You’re cute enough to bang, but not cute or serious enough to commit to. Try to level up your looks and I’ll tell you a secret. Confidence is key. If a person exudes confidence like they’re the hottest and most desirable one in the room people often believe it whether it’s true or not. Don’t jump into bed with just any guy. Work strategically. Don’t act desperate. Learn the art of the chase.

livn4summr · 2023-02-25T21:15:52+00:00

You're meeting people who're already enmeshed socially, and people are still animals: you have something (him), which prompts the other woman to finally act and make her move because she wants what you have. Guys LOVE to feel wanted, and our generation is real big on FOMO motivation. Try the online scene, go outside of the socially confined groups. Just be careful and safe! (Google voice # not mobile #, bring a friend to meet him with you, who's your ride home, etc.) Internet weird is something else.(..Says the mansplaining dude.)

Tarmek12 · 2023-02-26T15:36:14+00:00

It’s definitely not something you’re doing.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-25T20:55:13+00:00

Title: I need serious advice, I am the girl that men date before they get into a serious relationship

Full text: I (23F) cannot take it anymore. I have done some self reflecting and am wondering if I am the problem because of how common and typical this is for me. I need serious advice.

I am the girl guys date before they get into a serious relationship. They will say I don’t want a relationship. And then RIGHT after me, they will jump into a relationship. I am honestly almost the stepping stone, like I prep them into being ready for a relationship. I fix all their fears and then they feel ready to give love (not to me).

The guys that I have seriously liked were long term but they never settled down with me.

Men tell me that they don’t want a serious relationship after I’ve already grown emotionally attached to them. I’ve always gotten exclusivity but I have never gotten the “I am so in love with her, she’s the one”. I want to be somebody they want to be with long term, not just out of convenience or for the meanwhile.

Even one of my ex’s said to me that he has a feeling that other guys have taken advantage of me because he thought it was likely to happen to me.

I just want to know why this happens and how I can avoid this. I tend to love really hard. I’ve always told everyone I wanted a serious relationship. And what happens is at the start they will say that they do too and take me on dates but then they become unsure until they definitely know they don’t want a relationship (but obviously just with me).

And they say to me they aren’t ready because so and so but at that point I’m already head over heels for them so I believe what they say and then they leave me and get into a serious relationship with another girl right after.

I seriously don’t know what to do , I feel like it’s too forward to say at the very beginning we have to date before I agree to see you. I just feel so depressed I almost want to outright ask them what’s wrong with me. Like it must be something to do with me.

I also always end up being the first girl they have seen since their ex but how am I supposed to time something like that. And then am I supposed to wait until they casually see people so they finally feel ready but how am I supposed to know when they have done that.

I just really need some advice. And it’s not a sex problem because I don’t just have sex with them. And I don’t use dating apps these are all people I’ve met through mutual friends.

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Environmental_Lie561 · 2023-03-10T15:46:38+00:00

They can’t live up to your rank so they go to a woman with lower rank. Plain and simple. Some people only live in fantasy.

TransportationOk7525 · 2023-03-19T05:36:01+00:00

I’ll say this as a man so maybe it will help. If the guy isn’t committing but later to someone else, they are putting you in the side chick status. Men move in silence. We don’t say bluntly to WOMEN specifically for fear of backlash. Once you give up what men want, they move on. Simple as that in an action sense. Second, are these men out of your league? Women tend to conflate sex equals he may want a relationship or this is going somewhere, however that’s not the case. I would say examine the set of men you’re dating and are they in your league or above? Because just like beautiful women may not settle and just have sex with any guy, men will not settle either to just commit relationships for any women cause they are beautiful or they are somewhat decent. We look for long term character and we examine the actions of that woman more. Beautiful women are common for a man put together. 45% marriages failure and 60%-80% percent divorce are initiated by women. Men will be much more choosy on who they actually commit in our current environment. Not who they will have sex with. I know for me, I’m well off and I’m really keen and focused on who I really want to commit. Most men who have their crap together won’t just commit. We examine, is this woman flaky, inconsistent, can’t be loyal long term. Also, if you date around and sleep with many men, that hits a spider sense in us as much as women who see men that can’t even pull girls for sex. Why is this woman have a long list of men she dated and none of them committed? Either she is bad at committing or she is bad at choosing quality. Whichever is the case, it still says something off about that woman. It’s not a fair assumption just as women who judge men that are virgins or sexless, but that is the case.

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