need your advice

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-03-07T22:42:27+00:00

> I am terrified of what our friends and people we know will think

Stop living your life for other people, and stop caring what they think.

> the idea of loneliness terrifies me

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If are you lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent.

clarkr10 · 2023-03-07T23:37:53+00:00

The longer you wait the worse the divorce will be for you. I was married for 10 years. At year 2 I was noticing things about her I really didn’t like and knew I didn’t want to deal with. I just told myself to keep chugging along and maybe she’ll change. 8 years later, I’m about to be stuck paying alimony for years and she gets a portion of my pension.

I wish I could go back to year 2 and divorce her. I wish I could be in your situation.

Every year that passes is another excuse a judge and lawyer will use you screw you over in a divorce. You were born w a dick and for some reason judges like to hold that against you in divorce court.

awakeningofhumanity · 2023-03-08T00:32:39+00:00

You’re true friends will come out and fake friends will really show their true colors!

RideATX · 2023-03-07T22:20:56+00:00

You have to fix yourself. You are tolerating bad behavior, if you don't fix it now it will just happen again with the next one. You have to shut that shit down immediately, pull your time and your attention when she doesn't act right. If she wants to be a complaining & negative person, that's her problem, you have more important shit to worry about. You have to be willing to walk away. Her emotions are not your problem.

Go watch Rian Stone's youtube. I'd start with the mids watch playlist. He has a couple of videos covering this.

TLDR: Yes Virginia, you do have to be an asshole.

Ok-Championship216 · 2023-03-07T22:42:36+00:00

Sometimes things just don't work out. Be thankful you have recognized early in your marriage and in ur life. You have plenty of time to find the right partner

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-03-07T23:29:36+00:00

The quality of life is seriously more important than what others think. Having a SO be unsupportive defines your future, and it will impact your entire life in negative ways. Don't just consider divorce but take the steps to initiate it as a display of how determined you are for a better existence.

HODLMEPLS · 2023-03-08T00:14:46+00:00

Sounds like all the reasons I stayed and regret it. Leave and don’t look back

Thin_Radish_3439 · 2023-03-08T01:28:04+00:00

I've been married 4 years. Shortly before the wedding I started seeing things I didn't care for. Wish I'd listen to my gut.

No-Shirt-484 · 2023-03-08T04:50:20+00:00

Your English is quite good. I’m almost in exactly the same boat as you. I hope to get started on the divorce tomorrow

XxJustadudexX · 2023-03-08T05:54:43+00:00

I got married at 24, now I’m divorcing her at 27. Similar deal - she just got worse, didn’t respect my boundaries, tried to make me feel bad all the time, etc. I do feel lonely at times but then I remember how lonely I felt with her here. It was worse with her than not, so I divorced and I’m happy with the decision

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-03-08T06:24:17+00:00

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2023-03-08T08:01:13+00:00

The same unhappiness you are experiencing withing yourself and the marriage is the same unhappiness that she also going through. The only difference is that she and you have allowed her to take it out on you because she knows the law is on her side against you. Make haste and put a stop to it now to mitigate the long term damage to your health and finances.

vreo · 2023-03-08T10:45:49+00:00

Dude, I muscled through the same mess for 18 years. It doesnt get any better. You will lose yourself on that path until you feel sorrow and grief for the man you once were. And it isn't even about being right, good or bad. If you two can't openly communicate about your needs, this will feel like being buried alive - for both of you.
I tried books, council etc, but she didn't like anything of it and refused to look into matters. When I spoke about separation at the beginning of last year, she was upset and said we had everything and she didn't want to separate. I think it was hurt pride, a knee-jerk reaction to a threat. Meanwhile (I live in my own appartement now) she realised that it's better this way.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-03-08T14:43:20+00:00

Dude, get out asap. You do not want to be her emotional punchbag to decades only to have her divorce you yrs later and run off with half or more of everything you spent a life working for. Divorce her now and get out with as minimal damage as you can. You are young so Your alimony will be smallish and you probably don’t have a huge amount of assets to divide. The very last thing you want is 20yrs of misery followed by a grey divorce (Google it).

mrcofffeeee · 2023-03-08T15:00:47+00:00

Now if you bring up the divorce, she will start being good for a while and hit you back when things are more comfortable for her. If you’re planning divorce, do not bring it up with her. Serve the papers directly and proceed from there. I’m only saying this because she refuses therapy which proves she has no will to change to make it a better relationship.

Xan-Diesel · 2023-03-10T16:29:29+00:00

I remember struggling with this. I was with my ex-wife for sixteen years and she had a habit of complaining about issues she never planned to deal with long before we were married. It definitely became a problem that compounded over time. Most men seem to hear an issue and naturally want to work toward solving it. What was happening in my situation was that she didn't want to fix it or solve anything. She wanted to unload the word vomit on me, feel temporary relief and then get "sick" again and continue the cycle of word vomiting.

Like you: I tried to get her to talk to somebody about it. My thing was "hey, these are mostly interpersonal issues you've got with co-workers and customers. You don't want to hear about how I conduct myself at work (and don't have these issues) or how I'd handle things so I'm not bothered like you are, so maybe you should talk to a professional."

After a while she reluctantly agreed. I'd pleaded with her for months and years to try to talk about something fun or exciting or new or even something going on in the world instead of bitterness and hatred and frustration. I very clearly explained that it impacted me negatively and I didn't enjoy talking with her as a result. I told her I'd go with her if it'd make her feel better and she scheduled a meeting with a therapist. When we got there she asked what she was there for and she looked at me and told her "marriage counseling".

Holy moly - WTF?

Title	need your advice
Author	CoyoteCedric
Upvotes	7
Comments	18
Date	March 7, 2023 9:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11lc1k8/need_your_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-your-advice.1173236 https://theredarchive.com/post/1173236

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