Tell it to me straight Queens

Jinxhourglass · 2021-03-01T01:24:27+00:00

Tbh you probably have to leave the town. I temporarily went from a big city to a small town surrounded by corn for school and dating was impossible. I also noticed this phenomenon where a lot of beautiful women on my campus were considered average there, but their beauty was more appreciated in their larger home cities. At my school, a lot of students’ idea of beauty standards only fit into 2-3 types.

Don’t move just to have more options in men though. While there’s more dating opportunities, the amount of LVM you have to sift through quadruples. Look for a big career or academic opportunity and everything else will fall into place. I’d make friends in the new city before dating to prevent getting attached to the first person you date there before having an established network.

simplicityduplicity · 2021-03-01T01:22:02+00:00

Saving your post because you and I are very much soul sisters based on what we need and who we are in romantic relationships. I crave those very same things as you do. I need to be touched and often. I need to be constantly reassured (both verbally and nonverbally) that I’m cared about.

And I’m here to say that wanting those things is beautiful and absolutely normal. And I also want to say that HVM do exist because I’m currently seeing someone who fits that bill for me. He’s extremely affectionate and does he damndest to meet my needs. He’s open to suggestions and doesn’t get defensive or stonewall when I gently and constructively ask for what I need more/less of. I’m still taking things slow with him (because I’m still vetting him and will continue to do so as we spend time together), but everything he’s shown me so far has been solid.

But I need to say this: finding him wasn’t easy. I had to go on a lot of dates in order to come across him. And by a lot, I mean a lot, a lot. Plenty of men showed some HV traits on the dates we had together, but the man I’m dating right now has been nothing but consistent. But I had to be patient and emotionally withdrawn (more than I’m used to, and I’m sure the same will be true for you, too) in order to get to this point. Patience doesn’t come easy to me; in fact, I’d say it’s one of my hard-gained strengths. But in doing so, in vetting so many men, I learned that I deserve the best. I deserve to be loved as fiercely as I love. And so do you. I believe you will find a wonderful man someday, OP. But you’ve gotta vet a whole lotta guys in order to find him. And he will be worth the wait.

onsetcoda · 2021-03-01T01:33:30+00:00

I can only speak from my own experience and what I’ve found is that HVM are rare in small towns/cities. I grew up in a city with less than 1 mil people and the dating pool was atrocious. I mean, just awful. The only reason I’m married now is because I met my SO while he was travelling through my city and knew one of my friends so he hung out with us the night before he left. It was so refreshing to meet someone that wasn’t a gun-toting redneck that expected me to spit out kids and wash his dirty underwear while he went out and partied and hunted.

It took us a while to work out the logistics, that included meeting up in different countries and it’s by no means conventional, but once I moved to his city (over 5 mil people) it was like a whole new world. His friend group was normal for lack of a better term. His male friends are good people. They have heathy long-term relationships. They treat their partners with respect and both people flourish in the relationship. To this day not a single one of them has set foot in a strip club for any of the bachelor parties. They’ve gone golfing, to the pub, axe-throwing etc. But a strip club was never even mentioned as an option. Because why would it be? Every single one of these men values their partner as an absolute equal and the women value themselves as much if not more. My SO wasn’t a rare one off as I had initially thought.

Unfortunately, it seems to me small towns are like a hive mind and there’s a tendency to look down on progressive ways of thinking. I could be wrong and I hope I don’t offend anyone but that’s just been my experience growing up.

I think you’re doing a great job taking care of yourself and having your hobbies but please don’t give up on finding someone who will love you and treat you how you deserve. It may take a while (I was just shy of 30 when I met my SO) but HVM exist. I hope my experience helps you and I’m sorry for the novel 💚

BaconSquared · 2021-03-01T01:31:25+00:00

I feel this so much. I think the hardest thing is the fact that we have to be okay with being alone or we will lower our standards to be with a lvm. I will say I have dogs and loving them has never been wasted. They give me love back ten fold. They always are excited to see me, read my emotions and do their best to match it, cheer me up and give me a great reason to better myself for me and them. I would say they're hvp (high value puppies)

Throwawayrightaway28 · 2021-03-01T04:18:47+00:00

Are you me? For a second I thought I wrote this. We’re identical except for the small town thing. I lived in one, and now I don’t. Anyway the best advice I can give you is to go on loving love but find it other places than romance. I tried to give unreservedly to my relationships with my family because they are always there, consistently giving me love. Love yourself! Fall in love with yourself. You said you look average. Never say that again. You look average according to who! No one else’s opinion on you should even enter your mind. Every day you should be getting up and telling yourself how fine you are and appreciating all of your individual, unique characteristics. How can someone else fall in love with you when you haven’t fallen in love with yourself? Fall in love with your hobbies. It will make your life more fulfilling and it will make you more interesting and well rounded person. Don’t focus on finding the right person, focus on being the right person. That attracts the right kind of elements in the universe. Moving might broaden your prospects, but wherever you go, there you are. If you haven’t worked on yourself, moving will only give you more of a scope of opportunities to be exploited and disappointed.

Fantastic_Ad680 · 2021-03-01T18:37:41+00:00

I hear you.

I relate to this so much. I am deeply sensitive and have PTSD from growing up in a family of people who shamed me for experiencing any emotions. When I feel deeply, I feel ashamed because I was taught that this is childish.

Growing up my biggest desire was to be in love one day. Worrying about being attractive enough for men led me to start dieting in kindergarten and that turned into an eating disorder I started getting treatment for 4 years ago at age 31. I was also raised super conservative Christian so I was groomed by purity culture too. 🥰

I say all of this because I want you to know it's not just you. You didn't grow up in a vaccum. What you feel is not wrong. It's a normal response to the world we live in. We tell women romantic love is everything so that they are willing to sacrifice and lower their expectations until they end up in relationships with men who view romance as effort and resent their wives for not being maintenance free robots. Having emotional needs is normal. Being okay neglecting your loved one's emotional needs is not normal, and I'm sorry you have to live through this generation of men that think it is.

"If HVM exist, they are in short supply. I live in a small, shitty town and I’m not particularly good looking (average, can look nice when I try). I have my own place but no car. If they do exist, I don’t think I would necessarily have a shot because they are in high demand. Someone with more going for them (not just looks) would have a better chance."

You cannot build a healthy relationship that will make you happy long term with a scarcity mindset.

Please take a look at the breaking mom sub. Getting married is not a prize. It is not a prize to end up like that.

If an HVM doesn't find and pursue you, getting married to a non-HVM isn't better than nothing. It is much, much worse than nothing.

I don't know if you will find an HVM.

What I do know is that your life will be infinitely better if you take all that special love you are waiting to give to an HVM and start giving it to yourself. How would you make your HVM's day special? Do it for yourself. How would you treat your HVM on his birthday? Do it for yourself. How would you make your HVM's home cozy? Do it for yourself. Would you buy a sexy outfit or a sex toy for your HVM? Buy yourself a fancy sex toy.

All you can control is the quality of life you give yourself and how you allow people to treat you.

KnowledgeOk5995 · 2021-03-01T02:00:32+00:00

I feel you, as I was once a hopeless romantic. I have a Pisces moon but you can’t let it consume you. I’m 22, but when I was younger I would daydream and fantasize about crushes and boys..etc. I loved the idea of love. That was until I started experiencing life and realized the true nature of men. I quickly snapped out of it. I made a promise to myself that I will never fully devote myself or commit to any man under any circumstances, even HVM because some of them are only “High value” as long as it benefits them to be. If I do get into a relationship, I also told myself he will HAVE to love me significantly more than I love him. It’s the only way that sort of thing will work for me. A man will never have too much power of me as long as I can help it. I learned to take love and the idea of soulmates off a pedestal. Don’t let yourself be fooled by movies, music...etc. Just take a look around at your daily life and how men treat women and you will slowly come out of it. I know Pisces like to see things through rose colored glasses but honey, they have to come off or else you will hurt yourself in the end and you won’t have anybody to blame for it but yourself. So stop while you’re ahead. It’s difficult but once you get the hang of it, you will be invincible!!! Some people will tell you that you will be miserable living that way and to just be yourself and be vulnerable but that would only work in a perfect world. Life isn’t kind and it truly is a dog eat dog world. Literally play the “game” or get played because nobody will consider your feelings or emotions more than you will. I’ve actually been happier and found more benefit in living like this. The idea of love,men & romance no longer control me.

pickadaisy · 2021-03-01T02:48:10+00:00

Did someone convince you you feel and love too deeply? I get a “not like other women” vibe from this. I hope you know that the love you crave is normal and craving it as much as you do is normal.

I totally agree you’re a romantic af Pisces, but I want you and others to understand that what you want is totally normal love that we all deserve.

black-dogs · 2021-03-01T14:12:25+00:00

I’m also a Pisces that tends to give more in the relationship than the men in my past dating history. I love thoughtful gifts and gestures, private romantic trips, and love giving massages, home cooked meals, and quality time to my partners. Always got stuck with men who didn’t want to spend a dime on me or come up with anything fun to do. I actually got married and then separated right before I turned 30. I moved into my “divorce apartment” with another girl from work going thru the same thing and really focused on my own hobbies, work goals, and mental health before dating. The town I live in is small and rural, very conservative, and not many new and exciting places to be so I didn’t think I would do well. I did use OLD but used FDS teachings to come up with what I was looking for in a partner first instead of trying to fit the wrong person in my life just bc they liked me. I actually ended up matching with a friend of a friend that I had already met in real life and my friend was able to give me some info on him that made me feel safer. Just keep doing you, male attention is secondary to your life trajectory and you are not any less of a person .

ReignOnYou95 · 2021-03-01T05:58:26+00:00

I feel the exact same as you do.

" Also, are men able to love like women love? "

No, I really believe they cannot. When I was younger I always said I wanted a guy who loved like women do lol.

ironglaciers · 2021-03-02T01:36:42+00:00

Oh girlfriend I feel you. I'm pretty jaded at this point though.

mitzislippers · 2021-03-01T02:22:22+00:00

I have a pisces venus I felt this before 😭 just gotta be lonely for a while

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-03-02T09:42:17+00:00

Fellow ♓️ sun and moon, I feels you sis. -Sometimes- all the time, I feel like I am from another planet from another galaxy from another space-time.

I dont have any answers to your ponderings I like to live in a dreamland where I can believe that anything is possible because giving up hope entirely is too soul crushing for me.

today I had a day dream thought that went something like this:

~40,000 years ago homo sapiens lived alongside neanderthals - there is some evidence that they mated with each other, at that time perhaps they didn't realise how different they were genetically. to this day only ~95% of human genomes have not been "decoded" and are referred to as junk dna. Maybe within another 40,000 humans will look back on this time and be able to distinguish that the majority of men were infact senseless / unimaginative / not coded for deep love and connection and that these were dire times for female humans that had highly developed emotional depth and intuition and a desire to further their species.. I dunno was just a random thought I had

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ciciplum · 2021-03-03T13:46:46+00:00

Same here, I relate so much to you

Title	Tell it to me straight Queens
Author	Fantastic_Ad680
Upvotes	148
Comments	30
Date	March 1, 2021 12:52 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/luvkn1/tell_it_to_me_straight_queens/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tell-it-to-me-straight-queens.1192003 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192003

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