I’m probably being silly, but…

LateralThinker13 · 2023-04-05T15:06:48+00:00

Part of me wants to ask him to put our physical relationship on hold until I feel more comfortable, but that seems insane after all this time.

And you would be correct. Your tender virtue in his eyes has already been given to him; to withhold sexual favors now would only be a punishment and a withdrawal from the relationship. That said, if you want the relationship to end, that'd be the way to do it.

Seriously. If he didn't leave after getting sex from you, and he's still saying he loves you, he's probably not going to leave now. Unless you start withholding sex for no good reason. You're overthinking this.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-04-05T13:40:58+00:00

There is no hard and fast rule that says first date sex will doom a relationship. Yes, it's typically wiser to wait, but you were already friends and were building something before you even started officially dating. That's not the same as going home with some guy you met at a bar. If you're having fun and he's still interested, just enjoy it. He's clearly not judging you for it, which honestly isn't surprising if he's Gen Z. Don't create drama by holding out now. Enjoy the relationship and enjoy the sex. If you find yourself single again, hold out, but don't punish this guy because a subreddit told you you had sex too soon.

saddensgirl · 2023-04-05T14:04:25+00:00

You aren't doomed if you have sex on the first date. I did this with my husband and we just celebrated 8 years of marriage this year.

Does it lower the chances of the guy wanting to stick around? More than likely yes, especially if you have no prior real history with them. Is it definitely going to kill your chances of having a future with them? No.

SunshineSundress · 2023-04-05T18:22:46+00:00

It sounds like you’re stressing about whether or not sleeping with him early on makes you look promiscuous or like a “slut”, which will “doom” your relationship. The thing is, sleeping with someone early doesn’t necessarily make you a slut. I know at least a handful of the ECs here (past and present) who slept with their husbands/partners very early on, yet went on to have happily committed marriages and relationships.

I think you would benefit from one of my favorite theory posts: The Slut, and How Not To Be One. Here’s some relevant excerpts:

A slut is a woman whose sexual market value consists mostly of sexual availability, and little else. Or, equivalently, a slut is a woman who does not have the ability to turn sexual encounters into relationships.

Looked at in this way, of course men don't want to commit to sluts. The very definition implies it. High partner counts are a symptom of sluttiness, not its cause. Sluts acquire high partner counts not because they "open their legs too easily", but because the men they have coupled with do not wish to stay... and so they must, once again, find a new man. A slut is pumped and dumped many times. But it is being dumped, not being pumped, that makes a woman a slut.

If a woman's goal of avoiding sluthood is not to avoid sex, but to make a man stay afterwards, this is in no way opposed to a man's goal of getting to sex. It is the sex that is the male biological imperative, not the hasty departure afterwards. In fact, that hasty departure provides him with no pleasure at all. Would he not rather met a woman with whom he wishes to have sex again? Would he not rather meet a woman whom he prefers to a hasty departure? Of course he would.

So, to avoid being a slut, don't refuse to have sex. Instead, have value beyond just sex. Make men want to see you again. And your partner count will stay low without having to resort to withholding tactics. Because withholding tactics don't work. A slut cannot "reform" herself by withholding sex. If her only sexual market value is availability, then withholding that leaves her with... nothing to offer. A slut can only reform herself by increasing her value in other areas. If she does so, men will want to stay, and her partner count will stop increasing so fast.

To avoid being a slut, be a keeper.

So far, this man has told you he loves you, is still showing interest in you, and calls himself your boyfriend and you his girlfriend. At 3 months in, this is a pretty healthy place to be. If you are both still together, why would you worry about being a slut? You have enough RMV that made him want to stick around regardless of when you slept with him. Instead of worrying about how to put the toothpaste back in the tube (which is unproductive as hell, and you’re right, pretty silly), concern yourself with how to be a good partner that inspires him to want to come back to you day after day, take care of you, and cherish you.

Jenneapolis · 2023-04-05T18:58:39+00:00

Don’t create issues where none exist. Seriously.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-04-05T15:52:52+00:00

I get what others are saying that withholding sex would be a bad move, but having sex when your heart isn't in it isn't exactly great either. If your reservations start to bleed over into a sense of dread in the bedtime, you definitely need to sit down and talk with him.

Could you plan a few daytime dates out in public? Would increasing the amount of times you see each other without having sex make you feel any better? Just spacing it out a bit?

I had sex with my husband earlier than I wanted. Things worked out between us, but I grappled with our sex life right up until we were married. I was open with him about this, and he both comforted me and teased me about it as needed. The fact that he was there for me is one of the things that made me feel most confident in marrying him.

PillUpAss · 2023-04-05T18:49:19+00:00

One thing you will learn the longer you are in this game is you eventually need to make your own rules. Red pill was founded on the basis of people sharing notes on what works for them. It sounds like you’re taking notes and theory over your real world experience. I suggest the opposite approach, only go to notes in theory when there is a problem in the real world that you don’t understand. You do not have a problem here!

But since you brought up theory, let us explore that for a minute. Much has been written about this but the majority of it, even in red pill communities, is interpreted on the surface level only and therefore often misused.

If you think about the world before marriage and monogamy, which was most of human existence, we behaved much more like other animals do today. That is our nature. Watch some documentaries of mammals mating. They don’t have dates and they don’t have heuristics on what needs to happen before sexual acts can occur.

It is true, a high body count has liabilities for a woman in terms of your ability to stick with one guy, and it is often perceived poorly by men. However, that does not mean sleeping with a guy on the first date is a mistake. It is a risk, and one you should not take lightly. But, I can tell you from my personal experience if there is not a high degree of sexuality (even if we don’t sleep together) on the first date, I am immediately on alert that there is possibly a lack of connection. One thing guys look out for, especially red pill guys, is being put in the friend zone. And there is only one way not to be in the friend zone…

The “rule” of not sleeping with a guy on the first date may have some of its origins from some women’s inability to select a relationship minded guy to begin with. Keep this in mind: If a guy sleeps with you on the first date, and no longer likes you, he is not going to like you any more if you had made him wait five dates before having sex. In fact, another potential perspective is sleeping with him on the first date saved you some time because you don’t have to go out on the other four dates! I am not recommending you use sleeping with a guy as part of your vetting necessarily, but I’m simply pointing out that not sleeping with a guy is not going to make him stick around much longer or genuinely like you any more.

Whisper did an excellent write up on this while he was still around. The base advice was: only sleep with guys that you actually like and see relationship potential in. Don’t give out the sex card freely. However, understand that a guy NEEDS to sleep with you to know if he truly likes you. And if he does like you, and you like him, it is in your best interest to sleep with him sooner rather than later.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-04-05T14:31:00+00:00

For what it's worth, I lost my virginity on a first date. Within the two months we were together, he was making plans to install me in a converted barn on his parents' property in New Hampshire and he would work in insurance. If that had been at all what I wanted, I would now be a wife of 15 years or so. We may have disagreed on important things, but we were both interested in commitment and that didn't change because we had sex too early. So there is hope!

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-04-05T23:57:22+00:00

Part of me wants to ask him to put our physical relationship on hold until I feel more comfortable, but that seems insane after all this time.

Oh, he's going to LOOOOOOVE that. And by that I mean HATE it.

I mean, have you thought that, hey, he's a good guy and you should be fucking him? I mean, since you already did?

As /u/LateralThinker13 correctly points out, if you want the relationship to END by all means, keep withholding sex. How did that convo go? "PSYCHE!!! No ~~soup~~ sex for you!"?

RedPillDad · 2023-04-06T01:41:32+00:00

Sexual generosity is one of the things a man looks for in a woman. Not generosity with other men, just him. A woman who holds back risks building up his resentment and risks underwhelming him. "I waited 2 months for this?"

What men want: fit, fun, friendly, feminine, loyal, respectful, cooperative, coachable and generous in bed. That disqualifies a lot of modern women. Still, you can be all those things and he might still leave you if he's just looking for a good time and not anything serious.

mmerijn · 2023-04-05T17:09:25+00:00

It's alright to grieve your mistake, but your fears seem to be unfounded. I suspect your fear comes more from the hamster in your head running wild than from legitimate danger.

So here is my recommendation: I want you to brave your fears and work to improve your relationship. Don't change the path, but work on qualities you can provide. Work to become better than you were given the mistake you have made, not to undo a mistake. Mistakes cannot be undone, they can only be learned from.

So, what do I believe you should learn from this? Honestly, I believe it is more so that you are still very anxious about your relationship. This is something that can be improved not by trying to fear less, but by working to become better. Understand your partner better, listen more, read the sidebar and try to understand it fully, be your best self, and most importantly: find out what helps improve yourself and your relationship and practice it.

I believe that last one may need some extra explanation as you come across very anxious and your thoughts chaotic. For example: maybe when you're empathetic your boyfriend responds in a way you like, or that through experience or knowledge (eg. from reading the sidebar) is something you know you want, then you try it again and see if you can do it better. Or you read about dressing up in a feminine way, try it and if it works practice it. Or you try journaling or some other method of putting your thoughts out there for better self understanding and it works, then keep doing it and finding ways to get better at it.
Basically do anything that seems to make things better and then keep trying to get better at it. When you do so anxiety and fear tend to become more manageable until it fully goes away.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-04-05T20:45:24+00:00

Men who judge women for sleeping too soon with them, do not do so by the number of dates she waited, but by the amount of vetting she has done before getting intimate.

Many men loose respect for women who make irresponsible sexual choices. Being responsible means taking the time to verify that the man she is physically intimate with is who he says he is, and not a fake caricature that many men pretend to be in the early courting stages in order to get into a woman's pants.

What "dooms" the relationships is the loss respect men get when the woman demonstrates poor or irresponsible vetting skills.

"First date" therefore is a bad heuristic for determining how socially acceptable intimacy is for a new couple.

A first date of long time friends who have expressed romantic interest in each other will be judged far less harshly than a first date of two strangers matched in a dating app.

It appears that you have known each other for long enough that you had a chance to vet him properly. Therefore it is unlikely that he is judging you for that.

wes_bestern · 2023-04-05T13:30:54+00:00

This is a tough one. I think you should talk to him about it. You're not being silly. It's a real concern. You should ask to stop, in my opinion. Explain and give context. If he doesn't understand or gets upset, then just leave his ass and get a fresh start on your terms. Tell him you missed out on the talking/courtship stage and you want to experience that. I'm a guy and I've been in a similar situation. Dont be afraid to share your feelings.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-05T13:06:00+00:00

Title: I’m probably being silly, but…

Full text: I need some advice regarding mindset and physical intimacy. I’m seeing a wonderful guy who treats me very well, is pretty consistent with communication, etc. We were friends first and he expressed interest and started courting me about 3 months before we started dating. Thing is, I was very interested as well and made what I feel was the mistake of becoming intimate with him on our first real date. I was raised in a very liberal household and I’m still learning how to have and defend better standards. Anyway, that was a little over 2 months ago and he’s still acting interested, saying he loves me, etc., but I’m grieving over my lack of self control and struggling to relax. Scared that I’ve “doomed” us. Part of me wants to ask him to put our physical relationship on hold until I feel more comfortable, but that seems insane after all this time. I’d love any thoughts on this that are a little more useful than “nothing you can do now, just get over it.” TIA

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DunboyCastleInTheSky · 2023-04-05T14:01:40+00:00

Are you both in an official, committed relationship (gf/bf)? Has he talked to you about what he’s looking for in terms of what he’s looking for long term and expressed a desire for marriage and children?

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-04-06T00:32:10+00:00

You’re overthinking way too much. He waited for 3 months, that’s a pretty long time in modern dating culture.

You’re fine.

jenna_grows · 2023-04-06T07:55:21+00:00

From your comments, it sounded like you enjoyed the experience. You just have some internalised shame based on a certain value system you think you should have.

He hasn’t shamed you. He’s still with you. He’s not even treating you differently. It seems like a total non-issue for him.

The question really is why you insist it’s an issue when you both had a good time and he’s treating you well three months later.

GmanRaz · 2023-04-06T16:31:38+00:00

You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. Other sentiments here I will echo in that if you withdraw sex now out of guilt or anything for that matter he will see it as a rejection and that HE did something wrong. No explaining yourself will make him feel better. Just take it as a lesson learned about the programming you fell subject to and let it go. He is still around so that is all that matters. Prove you are worth keeping around in other ways IE being feminine, dont nag or try to control him and follow his and your own values and boundaries.

Title	I’m probably being silly, but…
Author	infinitymouse
Upvotes	14
Comments	44
Date	April 5, 2023 1:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12cjr9m/im_probably_being_silly_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-probably-being-silly-but.1213042 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213042

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