Struggling tonight

Xan-Diesel · 2023-05-17T15:44:28+00:00

I know how painful it is and I'm truly sorry for your loss. Like you, my ex-wife bailed for a male co-worker when my kids were 6 and 3 years old. The patterns of these women are so consistent it feels like they're taken from a textbook "How to Destroy Your Family and Pretend You're the Victim".

I'll never forget that first night. The saying "the silence was deafening" never made more sense than that evening. A few weeks later I was in a new place right up the road and I remember hoping it'd make things easier since we had no memories as a family there. It didn't help, but nothing did. It was a much bigger place and I had basically nothing to fill the space so it would echo when I'd do anything.

I wish I could help by giving you a hidden hack of some kind, but I can't. I kept waking up and going to work. Continuing to raise my sons and spend time with friends and family became even more important than before. Nothing had flavor but I made myself eat. I went to the gym every other day. I felt like I was floating through my life. I found a therapist and did Zoom appointments with her so I could navigate what was happening to me without drowning my friends and family in it. I started eating spicy food. I picked up hiking again. I went shooting with old friends and picked up tactical training, again. I played video games (and didn't get mocked, belittled or groaned at). I watched movies (that I picked, and I didn't look over and see anybody messing around on their phone while being completely disinterested).

After about six months I realized I enjoyed beer and whisky again. I started looking FORWARD to going out to eat or meet my friends or go to the bar. Developing new relationships was rewarding and enriching. I started to fall in love again. I was able to eat without forcing myself. I ate the third hottest pepper in the world. I tried mushrooms for the first time. I went camping. Eventually I was able to stop and realize I no longer had to move at 100 miles per hour to avoid feeling like I was going to explode.

You're going to be okay - I promise. Don't give up. Be good to yourself and know and understand that nothing lasts forever, including how you're feeling right now.

vector5633 · 2023-05-17T16:23:40+00:00

Brother...all the advise you have received so far is on point. Here's mine.

My divorce was a shit show. There was a point I only saw my kids for 1 hour on Saturdays under supervised visits. I was lonely AF during the week. I started to hit the gym every day for hours. Started to eat better and take care of my general health. I started to go out with friends or alone. There's this local spot in town where I live, I go to hang out. Lots of locals go there...Bar/Grill. Made a ton of friends and had a few ONS from there. :)

I also picked up old hobbies like playing the bass guitar, DJ'ing, and mountain biking. As time went on I started to see my gains from the gym. Let's put it this way...I got lots of attention from women. It felt good, but what felt better was looking in the mirror and seeing all your hard work paying off. I looked good, felt good...nothing is better than that feeling. Continued going out and socializing, meeting new people and friends.

Finally got custody worked out 50/50. When I don't have my kids I hit the gym, go out with friends/alone, game PS4/PC, bedroom DJ. I have a great career and make good money.

You will have times that the loneliness is going to hit you like a fucking train. No doubt about that. But guess what? As time goes on and you get into your rhythm, those nights or days will be come less and less frequent to the point they will just fade away. One thing someone told me in the very early stages of my shit show. It can't rain forever! The sun will eventually come out. It's been 2 years since my divorce was finalized. I am happy! I have my kids 50% of the time. Rebuilding my life and having a good time at the same time.

The loneliness is real, but it will fade away. You just have to let time take its course. Everything is a process. I went through it just like many have before me. Focus on yourself when you don't have your kids. Hit the gym brother and stick to it. You will love the gains. You will also be healthier for your kids.

Also remember....you're NOT alone brother. We are here for support because some of us have been through what you are feeling now. We go you!

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-05-17T15:16:14+00:00

Adopt a pet or volunteer at a animal shelter. Pets are the only loyal ones to you til they die

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-05-17T15:53:45+00:00

Well bud, join the club. There is a reason statistics exist:

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts.

What to do now?

Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym.
MGTOW
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and any one who claims her ex was abusive.
Travel once a year.
RedPill knowlege (Read books like No more mr. nice guy)

tanen55 · 2023-05-17T15:24:06+00:00

Those nights will come and go periodically. The few things that worked for me was to either hit the gym, or a coffee shop to study/work. Something to get out of the house and around other people, it didn’t matter if I was talking to anyone or not. Just being around others improved my mood.

Either way, as time goes on those periods of loneliness start to disappear. Sometimes life is a bummer and there’s nothing to do other than get to tomorrow.

Zealousideal-Bear-37 · 2023-05-17T14:28:10+00:00

Be strong mate . As yourself why are you still so hurt a year later . What do you need to make you happy? Your capable of doing that all on your own friend . Make new friends , take up social hobbies , get active , basically be more social! Here for ya mate .

playerknowmore · 2023-05-17T16:54:13+00:00

I don't know if this will help you. People in your life are wants versus needs equation. Few men are allowed the luxury of wants. The way I look at it after men procreate, the need for women decreases tremendously. Giving birth is the only need a man can't have without a woman.

With your primal need, take care of the need for your wife is psychological. Change the way you think, and you can change your world.

I didn't get divorced. When I did the math , I realized what I needed. Instead of my wants, I leaned into divorce. The confidence of knowing I would be okay scared my wife straight. Suddenly, starting over in her late forties wasn't such a good idea. That and my mother in law telling my wife that women of her generation were smart enough to realize they married the best they could get.

wisstinks4 · 2023-05-17T16:05:38+00:00

I hear you and I feel for you. I’ve been there. When I’m down and out, I tend to put on my walking shoes plug in my headphones find some relaxing music and take a walk or get on my bike and ride. I may not have a destination, but I like the peace and quiet. I’m also taking a drive to a local large lake and just sat and watch the water for hours, I find the peace and solitude helps clear my head. This leads me to how to fill the time void you used to have with the full family and now you have downtime. I would join the bowling league or a professional, speaking group or some kind of a woodworking or a small engines hobby team to keep my mind active. These uncertain times can we heavy and missing loved ones is a real challenge. I hope you can fight through this uncertainty and fill the void and get back to a happy life.

Mitch00004 · 2023-05-17T16:19:57+00:00

Thanks guys, just needed some help tonight and just hearing from a few of you blokes that have done it before helps more than imagined.

Motor-Connection5608 · 2023-05-17T16:35:44+00:00

Stay strong brother. It will get better. It amazes me how many lonely men are out there in the world. Either through D, never been married or lonely within a marriage/relationship. I am not aware of any groups or organizations like AA or NA that exist just for loneliness.

Is anyone aware of anything or is now the time to start local groups to help us navigate this and help us with our mental health. I have lost friends over this - they feel nothing is left for them in life and they do not want to go on :(

We need to stick together -

WartimeDad · 2023-05-17T15:55:53+00:00

Gets better over time. When it’s hitting hard best thing you can do is physically exhaust yourself and then watch a sci fi flick.

rhett342 · 2023-05-17T17:08:24+00:00

No words of advice, just comfort. There are times I missi having my family so much it physically hurts. Unfortunately I'm the only one that feels that way.

Hang in there brother. Even if your ex doesn't care about you anymore, I do.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-05-17T17:45:18+00:00

We’re all here for you for Group Hugs 🤗. ♥️ Hang in there once ready force yourself to gym and therapy (took me a year post final victory to work up enough functionality to start) and just wait …

… eventually the radiation goes down a bit, green shoots appear and you can start fixing up what’s left.

Get a Pet ! Avoid Wimmen . (Unless by the hour)

1200poi · 2023-05-17T19:40:40+00:00

Did you went to the gym already?

chimps20 · 2023-05-18T04:17:27+00:00

I am 6 years post separation. 5 year’s divorce. I remember I needed to be around someone all the time or go out to not feel lonely. But man do I like being alone now. I like how clean my home is. I work, sleep, go to school, work on my business and I have my kid 3.5 days a week. I quit drinking as it was making me feel depressed even if I had one beer. This is not a brag but work through all emotions and you will figure out you are the best the company to be around. If you are feeling horny just get a hooker, don’t feel guilty or a shamed just play safe it’s like going to the dentist. Feel better from another divorced dad that literally lost everything from the house to $1500000 but I get to see my kid and be a part of it so I am happy.

Title	Struggling tonight
Author	Mitch00004
Upvotes	31
Comments	33
Date	May 17, 2023 2:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13k34hq/struggling_tonight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/struggling-tonight.1219556 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219556

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