Power struggle with step kid

xcheshirecatxx · 2023-06-20T05:51:28+00:00

It's to your partner to use authority on his child to give you authority on her and the house

sunshyneshanny · 2023-06-20T03:57:06+00:00

My dad remarried when I was 13 & although I didn’t love giving up my position as “woman of the house” I did grow to appreciate her & am now closer to her than my own mom.

The way it worked for our family was respect. We didn’t have to love her like a mom, but my dad didn’t put up with any disrespect to “his wife”. She stayed calm & rarely lost her cool with us, but if we stepped out of line we knew my dad would hear about it & put a stop to it. It didn’t take long until her calm behavior & my dad’s reinforcement of respectful behavior made us actually respect her & love her.

Hope it works out to be a loving & respectful relationship…I know it can🫶🏻

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-06-20T13:11:56+00:00

So she handles all the cooking and household management, is she competent? She runs the whole house at 15, while going to school, and you’re calling her spoiled?

I don’t think there’s anything you can or should do, besides telling your partner (not husband, correct?) what is happening. Her father should be handling disciplining her for her behavior.

I think both you and your partner have shown poor judgment having you move in when you did. I would not have moved into a house where the child behaved like this towards me, without having a plan in place for how it would be handled, seeing your partner take action to enforce that plan, and seeing actual improvements in the daughter’s behavior. It sounds like you moved into a shitty situation and were just hoping it would improve without any effort.

The subs datingawidower or stepparents might have some advice.

Aggressive_Signal_86 · 2023-06-20T17:35:56+00:00

Might be too late for this but IMO as someone who lost their dad at 16 it is WAY too soon for you to have moved in. My mom constantly wanted me to meet her partners after only a few dates and I took great offense to it as I saw them as trying to replace my dad. I wanted her to respect my boundaries enough to fully vet men before parading them into my life. I also had a huge problem when she moved a man into our house after a 12 months of dating, it felt too soon and very disrespectful to move someone into the home my family shared prior to my dads death. If they are still in the same house her mom lived in this is a probably a MASSIVE factor. It was for me and it was something no matter how long time passed I never got over, it ruined my mom and I’s relationship for a Long time, even after I moved out. There’s just nothing more painful in this world than seeing your parent with somebody new in the house where you were raised, even if she was young when her mom passed, if you are still in the same house they may need to move before it can even begin to get incrementally better, but it sounds like he is not ready to move on completely.

hadyayasmin · 2023-06-20T12:48:10+00:00

as someone with an amazing step mom; give it time. she showed me love and affection when i was around 10 years old despite the mean comments and mischief my sister and i instilled. 9 years later we have the best relationship. it truly takes time, building trust and a friendship will help you both. calmly explaining respect, being understanding, etc. i resented my mom when she moved in with us. i did for around 5-6 years. but it truly takes time and mutual effort.

Marissa_Smiles · 2023-06-20T04:33:39+00:00

Your putting a great deal of blame on this teen. Ultimately it’s your partners fault. At her age I wouldn’t dream of disrespecting any adult. She does this because he allows her to. She does not respect his authority, she’s made that clear by continuing to disrespect you. It sounds to me like he is trying to be the nice guy on both sides. He’s lost control of his home, his daughter believes she’s is the authority?! I would absolutely evaluate if I wanted to raise children in this environment. I don’t fear the teenager bullying the children, but it’s clear there is instability and tension in the home that need to be remedied before another child comes in. If the teen has driven off other girlfriends in the past then she sees you as no different. Yes it’s important to respect and allow your partner to lead but clearly he is struggling in this role. Advise him of your boundaries and expectations regarding the stepdaughter and if he isn’t able to do his part and parent, consider moving on. It’s not your responsibility to be a maid to this child. Nor is it your responsibility to walk on eggshells in your own home. The longer you allow this behavior, the longer it will continue.

Jenneapolis · 2023-06-20T03:27:50+00:00

So I will be honest here, I had a bad relationship with my stepmother at this age so putting that out there. I will say though, where is your empathy? Her mother has died. Do you know how painful that is for a child? I do because I lost my father young and it’s a lot to go through. I’m concerned about the way you are name calling her and I also see three times where you say “I bet she will ….” and apply future negative behaviors to her she hasn’t even done yet.

I can appreciate it’s very frustrating raising someone else’s child and especially teenagers, who have attitudes even with their own parents. I’m sure she is disrespectful. But I think you need to focus on trying to have some empathy and also stop with all the self-fulfilling prophecies you are telling yourself about her. I am sure she feeds off of the negative energy from you - it’s clear from this post you really think the worst of her - and you will catch more flies with honey. I’m sure you’ve tried to bond with her and it hasn’t worked but keep going. Again I don’t know the circumstances but her mother has died, she’s going to have some issues.

Edit: also, adding I think a year of dating is pretty quick to move in and expect her to be well adjusted to it.

Ok_Hospital9522 · 2023-06-20T23:02:55+00:00

Honestly sounds like your partner is the problem. A girl at that age should not have that much responsibility and she’s definitely not spoiled if she’s doing that much housework. It sounds like your spouse raised his daughter to be the housemaid and that’s the only thing he valued her for and now you’re threatening to take away the things she does for her dad’s validation. She’s not at fault in this situation and the fact you’re beefing with a 15 year old at your old age is baffling. Maybe rather than acting like a dictator and wanting to abruptly change everything perhaps be patient and try to get her to warm up to you. Go shopping or getting nails done. Ask her to teach you how to cook her favorite dishes, etc. Your partner is at fault here to putting his daughter in the position of “woman of the house” and you can’t take that out on the poor kid.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-06-20T03:52:55+00:00

Eh. Try pushing her out of the nest some. The two of you can require her to get an after-school job; it'll give her both responsibility and some control in her life since she'll have her own money (both things which will make her less likely to butt heads with the adults in her life). You're going on and on about "respecting your authority" but she's 15 and that's the age where parents need to be transferring self-determination to their kids. Your goal should be for her to respect you as a fellow adult as she turns into one herself, not to attempt to claim a parental role in her life and demand the respect that entails - you entered far too late for that to be realistic and 99% of parenting should come from her actual Dad. The fact that she's respectful with her Dad and not you proves a good deal of this goes back to how she's handling her mother being "replaced." Is the bullying new, beginning after you came into the picture?

> she doesn't want to move out till she's married or 30 years old

Tough, at 18 she becomes essentially an adult roommate, and shouldn't have anything required of her you wouldn't require of an adult roommate nor should behavior from her be suffered that you wouldn't suffer from another adult. Not sure why her preference is part of your worry here.

flower_power_g1rl · 2023-06-20T06:39:54+00:00

Oh Jesus, she sounds like my sister. Yes she will likely grow out of it by her early 20s. But the only thing that worked with her was taking away her privileges. This is something your partner needs to do. She will take it harshly, especially if she is used to having her way. It will be hard for him as well, he is too soft for her. Next time she is rude to you, don't say anything, just look at your partner to establish this eye contact and she will see it.

But once she sees that her behavior had consequences, she will start to respect her dad more, she will feel how he is on your side, and ultimately respect you more. What worked with my sister the most was grounding her when she planned to go out or temporarily confiscating stuff she newly bought.

cherrydreamz_ · 2023-06-20T21:07:56+00:00

I agree your parter needs to have a talk with his daughter about respect, but you need to practice humility. The relationship between you two is more important than who gets to do what. You need to learn to keep peace. She is not YOUR daughter and has no reason to respect you. She is a child and you are the adult. Keep showing her respect and LET her do the cooking and cleaning. Hey, its one less thing you need to do! She will not grow to be a brat when she's older, she sounds very independent. It's normal to have issues with children like her at school, but that is your husbands responsibility. She will have memories of you brushing off the disrespect and not having to be in control of everything, and that will teach her more in life than "putting your foot down". You pour love into a relationship, not control. Expect it to get worse when you are pregnant, but ask yourself if your marriage is more important than someone else's behavior - you CANNOT let her behavior affect your love towards your husband. He probably feels caught between you two as well, so show him some grace and allow him to lead as a father. You need to learn to let it go, she is a child.

antiwork_dev · 2023-06-20T21:49:49+00:00

One powerful phrase that I learn it worked was:

Your [dad| mom, it works both ways] wouldn't agree with this behavior

This phrase will not come as you trying to exert your authority, but more like you and your partner are in sync with how the kid-teen-young adult must behave in your house.

Also, unless your husband makes it clear that respect is a MUST in the house, you'll never get it from her. You and your husband need to have that talk first.

About the kitchen situation... How about taking turns to cook? You can set specific days for each, and you can slowly reclaim your kitchen as yours. It's worth the shot

theinvisibletoad · 2023-06-20T17:52:38+00:00

The real issue here is your partner isn’t taking you serious, otherwise he’d be doing more to fix this. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know how, he should be actively looking for answers. What kind of man let’s his daughter bully and disrespect his partner?

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-06-20T10:52:05+00:00

It is your Husbands job to stand up to his daughter. Because HE tolerated this inexcusable behaviour! YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE! Ashe is his daughter, at 15 still a CHILD.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-20T01:58:47+00:00

Title: Power struggle with step kid

Full text: Stuck in a difficult power struggle with my partners teenage daughter (15 years old) who is really disrespectful, rude and thinks she (the child) is my boss. My partner is a widower, the biological mum passed when she daughter was quite young and she has assumed the role of "woman of the house" and sees me as beneath her in terms of authority. Every day it's a different power struggle and she's quite rude and disrespectful to me, treats me as the help or like I'm a maid than a step mum figure.

My partner is loving and I am open and honest with him about how this makes me feel. He has had a few chats with her and once he sat us all down and she said sorry to me (but didn't mean it as she was disgustingly rude the next day).

Should I break up? Is there anything I can do about this?

I feel like the red pill approach which is feminine and passive would be helpful but how do red pill women approach parenting in this way?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-24T00:06:04+00:00

Title: Power struggle with step kid

Full text: Tl;Dr - disrespectful teenager stepdaughter treating me like the help and acting like she's the authority figure. Partner and I agree it's unacceptable but what do I do about it?

Newest update: we are breaking up. My partner said her hostility is normal teenage behavior for a kid that lots her mum, as the adult it's my job to just show her love and allow her to be hostile. I said it's unacceptable behavior and I'm breaking up. He said if she's like this to all future women she dates then so be it. He's never disciplining her and his daughter comes first. He's happy to stay single if that's what his daughter needs. Thanks for all your advice though ladies.

Update: partner said I have to talk to the child myself and confront her about her behavior while he in the background will ask if all this is true and if it's true he will ground her or put in consequences. I'm aware this will make me the bad guy. Is he taking an effective approach? Or do I break up since he won't step up to defend me and is basically making me confront her alone

OG post: I've been dating my partner for a year and we all live together. Problem is, the daughter has assumed the role of "woman of the house", challenges my authority and sees me as "the help" and treats me like a live in maid, and as beneath her in terms of authority. She's a teen and I bet it will get way worse as she gets older. She's been spoiled by everyone around her. She bosses me around, tells me everything I say and do is wrong, tells me how I should be doing everything in a really condescending tone and is really disrespectful. Every day it was a different power struggle and was driving me insane, she's quite rude and condescending to me, treats me a maid than a step mum figure. Or acts like she's the adult and I'm the child. It's affecting my mental health.

My partner and I have discussed wanting our own children too. She's an only child and we want 2 more children. Right now she's acting like "the woman of the house" and challenging my authority but what about when I have children. Will I ever be the woman of this house? Or is that spot permanently taken by her? When we have more children, will she be rude and bully my children too? (Her half siblings)? It's something I'm quite worried about. We all live together and she doesn't want to move out till she's married or 30 years old. And I bet this struggle will get worse as she gets older.

I feel like the red pill approach which is feminine and passive and let my partner lead would be helpful but she respects his authority just not mine. How do red pill women approach parenting in this way?

We've spoken to family friends about it and every one else is on her side and they all say "she's just a child, it's not her fault" etc. But she was also caught at school bullying her peers and is generally an overly confident know it all spoiled disrespectful teenager. I'm worried that if I have kids with my partner she will also bully my children.

My partner is loving and the only one who is on my side, and I am open and honest with him about how this makes me feel. He agreed she was spoilt and her behavior was unacceptable. He has had a few chats with her and once he sat us all down and told her that her behavior was unacceptable and to say sorry to me (she apologized but didn't mean it as she was disgustingly rude the next day).

I love my partner and I'm really happy with him, but I think his daughter is growing up to be a nasty rude bully and I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship where I have a confrontation with her daily. Also, do I have kids in this environment where the stepchild is rude and a bully to me. I bet she will also bully my children. Do I break up? Is there anything I can do about this?

Edit: she has been nasty to all my partners previous ex gf's and was the reason the last relationship broke up too.

Edit 2: I'm looking for advice on being the "woman of the house". My step daughter will not give this role up, she rules the kitchen (I'm not even allowed to cook in the house when she's there, all cooking and domestic tasks are her expertise. It's only when she's at school or out that I can actually cook in the kitchen in the house I live in lol And it's quite hard for me as I love cooking and Im finding it so difficult that everything has to be done under her orders. What things can I do? I'm looking for advice and strategies. Thanks so much all you lovely ladies

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

blueberrycakes1 · 2023-06-26T09:00:54+00:00

You would like the book 'StepMonster' by Wednesday Martin

It goes through women's experiences of blended families, and your experiences of a hostile step kid (and permissive dad) are actually quite common and normal. Since you still haven't had kids with your partner, I'd suggest reading more about the Stepmum experience and how challenging it can be, so you can make a prepared informed choice as to whether it's for you. Blended families are sooo complex and reading your post, what youre experiencing is typical and common for the dynamic between Stepmums and stepkids

AutoModerator · 2023-06-30T08:53:14+00:00

Title: Power struggle with step kid

Full text: Tl;Dr - disrespectful teenager stepdaughter treating me like the help and acting like she's the authority figure. Partner and I agree it's unacceptable but what do I do about it?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	Power struggle with step kid
Author	Bright-Garden2720
Upvotes	9
Comments	55
Date	June 20, 2023 1:58 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14dxqby/power_struggle_with_step_kid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/power-struggle-with-step-kid.1223012 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223012

Comments