for anonymity and brevity purposes I'm going to cut to the chase.

I (28M) went on a awkward date with a girl (fourth date with her) a few weeks ago. I came on a little strong, but there was absolutely no kissing, no touching her butt or breasts or anything, not even sexually explicit remarks. I started playing with her hair while we were at the movies and misread her comfortability, apparently pretty severely. I had asked her if it was ok, and she said yes, but later I learned she was "just afraid to say no." I felt bad about it, apologize profousely, and we went our separate ways. I'm not downplaying anything, and I totally respect her feelings and experience, but I will say some feminist and progressive female friends of mine heard about it and thought her reaction was a bit much. Overall I'm just trying to emphasize that I fucked up, but am, I would think, quite obviously not a rapist.

So, enter part 2. An ex friend of mine, whom, long story short, I now suspect is an incel, has been messaging every single person I know (even people he doesn't) and implying I'm a violent rapist. For weeks I didn't counter this because I was shocked and felt I did screw up, but I just can't justify that leap. It is hard to balance accepting responsibility for something without letting it go to extremes. Additionally, this person, despite being quite strange, no bullshit has a masters degree in communication from an ivy league school. I simply couldn't counter his claims with the nuance to say "I fucked up, but this is unhinged." I've lost all but my best friends and those who haven't heard his accusations. I mean this guy sent essays worth of inaccurate information that is perfectly calibrated to be hard to refute due to vagueness and an inability to verify with anyone else. and naturally, in most circles, when you hear someone is a rapist you're inclined to believe the story, even if it doesn't come from the primary source. I certainly understand.

What do I do? I've lost my friends, my job from the stesss of being looked at as rapist (they heard) and some professional connections. I'm in a field where if this spreads to far I'm done for good. How do I accept responsibility for making this girl uncomfortable without seeding grounds on being guilty of the most vile thing imaginable? The incel guy, if you couldn't tell, is not someone you can talk to reasonably. The girl is not someone I want to traumatize further and I do not think she would go to bat for me here, and I wouldnt ask.

The issue isn't the loss of the friends. honestly, they know what truly happened and are just afraid to admit it. so I don't care. the problem is the incel guy is poisoning the well of potential connections so profoundly that I can't get into any other social circles. I mean I live in one of the 5 largest cities in the country and people are still hearing this stuff, which naturally gets worse through the game of telephone. One thing in my favor in that regard is that people are starting to realize this guy is borderline insane. Also in my favor is that women generally like me, like Ive been told I make women feel safe, and even have been asked to protect women from violent partners before. which makes this sting all the worse.