Counseling felt useless

jimsmythee · 2023-07-10T22:23:35+00:00

My ex-MIL suggested that we go to marriage counselling. But before we even made it to 1 session, exwife told me, I was NOT to mention her DUI's. I was NOT to mention her addiction to pills. I was NOT to mention her fits of screaming rage when she runs out of narcotics.

Apparently, I was 100% the cause of our marriage problems. And her Mother suggested we go to marriage counselling because she knew that if I divorced her, then her daughter would eventually end up on her doorstep, ready to make her life a living hell with her pill popping disasters.

So I told my exwife? "Why bother?" But I did go to the counselling sessions, just without my exwife. By session #3, my counsellor said this to me. She said, "It's time to talk about divorce.
Marriages like these rarely work out. The sober spouse becomes overwhelmingly resentful of the addict spouse and their disasters."

sak144 · 2023-07-11T02:16:18+00:00

I believe people here refer to couples counseling as a WOMBAT (waste of money, brains, and time) and that is 100% true.

I went to a couples therapist at my ex's behest and it was one of the most horrible experiences ever experienced in a "professional" setting.

The therapist talked about how this was a safe space and her role was to help us see the good in each other and realize why we first fell in love. Sounds great. I am asked to go first and name things I love about my (ex) wife. I talk about her being a good mom, beautiful, and having a kind (hahaha) heart.

She is asked to talk about my positive traits and launches into a tirade of everything wrong with me. Half of her complaints and stories are completely made up. She was vicious. You'd think I was a marauding, abusive criminal. The therapist makes no attempt to go back to this "safe space" or nurturing environment, even though I (a guy who doesn't really cry) was in tears at what I was hearing. I am shellshocked at the whole thing and stunned how she can just invent these horrible, negative stories in her mind and actually believe it.

Never went back again. Which of course the ex thinks is my way of "not wanting to work on things". That therapist should have her license stripped and be forced to sling coffee for a living, though she wouldn't even be qualified to do that competently.

Couples therapists only exist to take money from wives who need another woman to agree with them. A total scam.

On the other hand, I saw my own therapist during the divorce and he was a lifesaver. Helped me see that both of us had roles in the end of the marriage and that I did not deserve the abuse she was dishing out. His help got me to completely give up drinking, start working out, kicking butt at work and put me on an amazing path.

But couples counseling???? LOLOLOL. never

questionoffitness · 2023-07-10T22:32:17+00:00

We did several months of marriage counseling. We did the Goddard system/approach? Found out all the myriad of ways that our marriage was messed up. After about 4 months my ex was done and had no desire to put any effort into fixing any part of our marriage. .. none. while there I realized all the ways I had failed and could have been a better husband, admitting failure things I could have done better or differently. .. She didn't take ownership of a single thing. .. sooo it was all my fault. .. every single thing ?? lol.. right.

But, I did come away with some major personal connections and realizing that i was in a dark depression for some time.. and connecting that directly to the utter lack of love and affection from my wife. .. knowing all the ways she could have showed love to me and didn't ... time and time again.. And that point was brought up to her in counseling... and silence. . she played it off as a pure coincidence.. downplayed it fully. .. took no responsibility of any part of her side to that.

Noodletrousers · 2023-07-10T22:15:02+00:00

A couples therapist’s job is to tell women that they’re always right and their husband is wrong. Do not go to these people. If a therapist told women the truth, they wouldn’t be a therapist very long.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-07-11T00:54:39+00:00

I did two therapy sessions with my stbxw.

The first was an hour of my wife telling the therapist stories about how awful I was - most of the stories were completely changed and modified to make me look as horrible as possible and I think three of the stories were completely made-up. I sat there in disbelief wondering what planet I was on.

The second we were supposed to each make a list of things we liked about the other person and suggestions to improve the marriage. I had two full notebook pages of notes to share. My wife had scribbled two things on a sticky note about 30 seconds prior to the session beginning. She then used the hour to explain to the therapist how stupid I was and how my list was actually a list of things I didn’t like about her. Again, I just sat there in disbelief at what I was hearing.

She was having an affair at the time we did therapy.

QuietVisitor · 2023-07-11T02:16:05+00:00

The issue I had with counseling is that it takes two partners assumed to be operating in good faith. Well, if you’re married to a manipulative narcissist, that doesn’t work. She lied in therapy as profusely as in private. I wanted the therapist to call her out on her bullshit (and I know she saw it) but she just never did.

Ill-Awareness8454 · 2023-07-11T05:19:07+00:00

Worthless and dangerous. Traumatic. Counterproductive. I would pay money to avoid it, not participate.

dpch · 2023-07-10T22:08:45+00:00

Try a different therapist. Most of them won’t be a good fit for you so keep the mentality that you’re shopping around.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-07-11T04:26:38+00:00

Marriage counseling when it’s bad is like trying to eat Cheerios to get healthy and your still eating 3 #2s.

rsmiley77 · 2023-07-11T13:38:22+00:00

Glad you asked. I’m a believer in therapy as it probably saved me thousands of dollars going through my divorce. I’m guessing you’re going through counseling just by yourself and I would certainly use the time if I were you to talk about topics you don’t want to talk about with close friends and family.

For me marriage therapist started off with asking me a lot of questions as my now ex was trying to attack. She listened and at times it was frustrating but I kept playing along. By the middle of the third session the focus started bing on my ex. We didn’t get to a fourth session.

How’d it help me? I had a final consult where the therapist broke down in her opinion the type of person my ex is. She was spot on and I used the playbook she basically gave me to be one step ahead during trial. We are all human and all go through similar issues in life. It really is amazing the advice those who are trained on sensing BS can give.

berzerker5000 · 2023-07-11T16:27:08+00:00

About a year prior to getting divorced, did a group marriage counseling thing through church called re-engage. It was actually a great experience and free. Each couple shared and a book guided us for 16 weeks. I think the group aspect keep people from saying crazy things about the other and focus on humility. After that I thought we were in the best place we had ever been.

But a few months later she started going to individual therapy and became a different person. Said I was an emotional abuser. We went back to our Re-Engage leaders at first, but she did not want to hear anything they had to say, because everything was my fault and she had no more humility. Then we tried couples counseling which last about 3 sessions and went how others describe. I found out she filed for divorce after the first session.

Title	Counseling felt useless
Author	animalx3
Upvotes	4
Comments	19
Date	July 10, 2023 9:53 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14w7nhl/counseling_felt_useless/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/counseling-felt-useless.1224846 https://theredarchive.com/post/1224846

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