Was I disrespectful?

buttermiIk · 2023-07-15T08:26:03+00:00

Just because you’re rpw doesn’t mean you can’t have a voice or your own opinions in the relationship. The way he acted was very unnecessary and not leader-like when you were trying to gently let him know your concerns. You have a voice darling, and you need him to reciprocate the same kind of respect you give him. Have a gentle talk with him a few days later when both your moods are good and tell him how you felt about it. Don’t let this kind of reaction slide again and keep him in check.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2023-07-15T15:50:49+00:00

It is ok, even good/admirable, to be a loving and tender spirit toward animals. It is totally fine to be sad when an animal or an egg is harmed - intentionally or unintentionally. However, I think that the way you addressed your husband was probably hurtful - and here is why:

He was probably under some pressure if a ref or another parent/soccer mom came up to him and told him to “figure out this bird situation, the kids can’t play with these birds around”. His objective was to try and get the birds off the field with as quickly as possible, with as little harm as possible. He probably was not remembering every chapter of his Boy-scouts training on dealing with wild birds and how to safely relocate a nest! He was thinking of the kids, their soccer game, and the needs of the refs/other parents - his community/family - and not the needs of the birds in that moment. This wasn’t malicious, and a bit of empathy for your coffee deprived husband trying his best in an under-pressure situation is probably called for.
Kids don’t always understand the moral nuance of wildlife, nature, things in nature dying, etc. Saying that your husband caused these baby birds to die makes him a murderer of a cute baby bird, in their eyes! Which is untrue and unfair. He was told to move the eggs/nest. Things happen in nature all the time, and painting him as a villain to the kids is damaging.
The decision was made, and the circumstances will likely not repeat themselves. There is nothing constructive about this criticism. It IS ok to say, later in private, “I’m so sad those birds decided to build their nest in the middle of the soccer field, it must have been really upsetting to have to move them in a rush.” That is expressing your feelings and expressing empathy.

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-07-15T10:29:44+00:00

Disclaimer: I'm younger than you, have been married for less than you have, and I might not be the best person to give you advice. I'm afraid this will be a common problem unless some of the more experienced ECs want to chime in.

I get why you were upset. Your husband's reaction seems definitely disproportionate... but I also see why he might have felt attacked. Already knowing that he had in fact moved the eggs, saying "did you move the eggs? They're all going to die now" is not a genuine question, it's an accusation. He was wrong and he did kill the eggs, obviously - but we don't always react at our best when we feel put on the spot.

If you talk about it in a few days, when you've both calmed down, it might be helpful to (genuinely) listen to his side too. Don't just frame it as "you made me upset because X".

I sense this is not the full picture maybe? I don't mean this particular incident, but in general - is there a history pf him feeling attacked or criticized, getting defensive, feeling put down in front of the kids? Do you think you might have contributed to the issue?

Deliaallmylife · 2023-07-15T14:50:07+00:00

Have you read For Women Only (or the summaries on the sub of the book)? I agree with /u/_Pumpkin_Muffin and I have been with my husband for about 15 years.

Early on, before RPW etc, I would question everything he did. I thought I was being helpful (truly) and I didn't see how much it made him crazy. You see, he was doing the best he thought. He would consider all angles, he would take me into his considerations and then he would say "lets do this". I would then repeat all the angles and ask why why why. I couldn't agree and trust that he was a smart man. It made him crazy. He was good about answering the why why why but it did put a strain and over time led to him getting shorter and me getting more upset and frustrated.

In this case, you say:

my husband had been asked to move the eggs from the nest so the plover would go away and so the eggs were not harmed.

So he was doing something to help that he was asked to do. Sure he did it wrong, he didn't know. Then you came in and corrected him. So you turned something good that he was trying to do into something bad that he did. Whether you were right or wrong, you can surely see how this reads as criticism and shooting him down for something he was probably pleased about.

He kept going on about how I think I know everything.

This to me says that its' an ongoing problem. Telling him that you trust him after years of acting as though you don't isn't going to change these interactions over night. You have to hunker down, keep telling him and keep STFUing with these sorts of things that aren't really on your plate.

Yes, it's sad for the wildlife but what is more important, the plovers or your marriage? Eventually, things will recalibrate and he will believe that you trust him and then you'll be able to have a more open dialogue. But until then show not tell is the key.

If you haven't already, read the respect & love & insecurity and affirmation chapters in For Women Only. I think they might help you wrap your head around this incident.

Sankdamoney · 2023-07-15T14:14:44+00:00

Tell him privately. The eggs were already moved, nature happens all the time. You were more worried about your feelings about the animals. Unless your husband does something especially egregious or deliberately cruel, it was not necessary to correct him in public.

AutoModerator · 2023-07-15T06:37:11+00:00

Title: Was I disrespectful?

Full text: I need some help :(

I'm a huge animal lover. My kids were playing soccer on the field and a plover had her nest in the middle of the 2 fields. I had dropped my husband off to soccer with the boys, picked up a coffee for him and I and had come back to watch the game.

I later found out that my husband had been asked to move the eggs from the nest so the plover would go away and so the eggs were not harmed. Plovers do not move with their eggs and so the eggs would not be warmed and die.

One of the children had told me he had moved them and showed me where. I was incredibly sad. The mother and her companion were still defending their nest with no eggs in it. It broke my heart. One of the eggs had broken.

My husband got angry with me when I asked if he had moved them and I said they will die. He said I was telling the kids that the birds are dead and I was acting like a know it all and making him look bad.

I did not raise my voice. I did not shout at him. I asked if he had moved them and told him they would probably die without warmth that was it.

He kept going on about how I think I know everything. I have been telling him so much how much I trust him etc but this actually really hurt me. I can't bear to think that these eggs were not going to be warmed all becuase he moved them.

Was I disrespectful? Should I just have said nothing? How do I voice my hurt without getting him so defensive? :(

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ResponsibleUmpire752 · 2023-07-15T22:23:24+00:00

Personally and as a Nature Conservancy volunteer, I agree it's wrong (& in some cases illegal) to move a plover nest. But RPW or surrendered wife way to approach husband about it? Maybe don't question or criticize an action he may or may not have already done and may even feel bad about. Maybe teach your kids not to do this in the future and why (they are endangered, it will kill the babies, etc.). Re: husband, tbh if it was me, when we were in private I'd probably cry from sadness and hug him for comfort. When he asked what was wrong I'd sob "Nest. Poor babies." I'd leave his own possible past, unchangeable actions out if it. He'll get the idea. (Express your spontaneous hurt for birds (natural feminine reaction) not anger at him.) My husband is a big guy who plays soccer and stuff but also stops to move turtles out of the road and so on. Is it possible your husband also feels bad and is rly angry at himself, not at you? If so I suggest a forgiving hug. He knows how you feel now. Forgive him! and move forward.

kitterkatty · 2023-07-15T10:17:58+00:00

Mine’s like that too, hates to have judgement calls questioned in public esp in a guy type setting like sports. It’s understandable somewhat. I just don’t ever bring things up unless it’s necessary. Yes both partners have a voice but you have to pick your battles. Like in that instance I’d have just moved the eggs back when everyone was busy elsewhere nbd. Mine reciprocates the low conflict agreement by not doing things that irritate me either like scrunching water bottles, I hate that sound lol so he just does it when I’m not around. That kind of thing. The birds will have more eggs, don’t feel too bad. They have extras bc nature uses the eggs and young to feed other parts of the ecosystem. It’s all good.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2023-07-15T13:39:12+00:00

So I definitely think that you should be able to tell your husband when you disagree with him. He should be able to listen to what you have to say, reflect on it, and discuss it with you, either explaining his reasoning or perhaps even saying that he agrees with you.

But you should both be giving each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to stuff like this. Like, do you think he had a good reason to do this, or was he just being a jerk who hates birds? Given the location of the nest, was it inevitable that it would get disturbed at some point anyway? Are these birds endangered? Is there a general accepted protocol where you live on what to do when a plover’s nest is in a highly trafficked area? Do you think that preserving a nest should be the most important consideration? Like do you think he really made a bad call, or are you just sad at what happened? Does he feel like you care more about these birds than making sure the kids have a good time? What if, instead of him moving the eggs, one of your kids ran through the nest without seeing it and stomped on the eggs? Would that have been better than him moving them?

If you really truly think that he made a wrong decision, then you should be able to talk to him about it. If you are mostly just sad at the fact of what happened, you can just say that it’s sad. If you’re trying to build trust with your husband and show him that you believe in his decisions, then questioning them like this will undermine that. You have to pick your battles. If you are prone to criticism, try to only bring up issues that are truly relationship breaking. Does him moving these eggs make you want to leave him, because you truly no longer trust his judgment?

Trusting him and his judgment doesn’t mean that you agree with everything he does or that he will always choose to do things the way you would. Do you actually trust him to make good decisions?

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-07-15T19:56:55+00:00

He messed up and can not face the consequences. That is what I read here.

bchsweetheart · 2023-07-15T13:38:35+00:00

Your husband is an ass. Is he like this often? In other areas?

Title	Was I disrespectful?
Author	Yougotmetripping
Upvotes	3
Comments	43
Date	July 15, 2023 6:37 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1504bg1/was_i_disrespectful/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/was-i-disrespectful.1225341 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225341

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