What helped after the separation?

DocHolliday80 · 2023-07-16T09:18:55+00:00

Gym, it cannot be told enough times, it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

PickelPeechPickel · 2023-07-16T11:03:01+00:00

Personally, I think this largely depends on ‘the why’ of the separation/divorce.

My wife and I separated (first time) in April 2021 by her choosing following affair #1. I was devastated; in such shock and desperate to make things work for the sake of the whole of our family. She was the opposite. It took about a month before things started settling in as reality. But, I was still a sloppy and mentally/emotionally fragile mess. She eventually came back under less-than-ideal circumstances maybe 6-weeks later. Severely codependent, I had a LOT of emotional and mental things that needed addressing. Then began the worse and most depressing phase of my life and I started therapy in April 2022.

THIS time, same storyline but magnified 10x. Affair #2. She immediately moved in with this guy; it was such a blatant disregard for me/kids. After having extensive therapy and being part of a support group for what I was experiencing (I had some core people from that support group to credit), I was able to move through the initial shock rather quickly and into ‘task execution’ mode (doing all the things needed to dismantle the marriage) because, at this point, I knew how jacked up of a relationship I had been in for 18+ years and had started to emotionally/mentally detach for a bit just out of necessity to survive her garden variety of abuse. We are closing in on 3-months separated now and I feel largely healthy and accepting of things with lots of mental clarity that’s allowing me to have longterm optimism about my life.

I’m also not advocating for you to start dating because the timeline for this varies based on so many factors but, to be totally honest with you, even though I had embraced, welcomed, and intended on being single for a LONG time, I have stumbled across someone in the most unintentional and unpredictable way (long story) who checks so many boxes on my “list” for a future partner that I’d be a fool to not try to embrace this twist of fate. We aren’t dating or anything but, I really hope things can continue down the path we are on and evolves - I appreciate her parenting values, quality of character, and her genuine concern for others. This has allowed me to see that there is a person out there with a beautiful soul and matched core values. The contrast there has really given me a chance to see how unhealthy the relationship with my wife had been; this has been invaluable and I’m so grafteful. I don’t recommend dating around using apps and crap…I think that’s a recipe for disaster in trying to mask your pain and has high probability of being messy.

So, get a good support network and focus on yourself through some kind of hobby or interest you’ve had for a while and couldn’t otherwise do. You are grieving the relationship; that’s okay and needs to happen. When you start to focus your energy and emotions on your ex, try to redirect it to focusing on yourself. Small steps, man. This is a big thing to go through. Don’t let yourself sit in an emotion/feeling for too long and start wallowing in it; this is where you’ll get ‘stuck’ (not healthy); learn to acknowledge how you feel at the moment, identify the ‘why’, appreciate why you’re having that feeling, and then when you’ve had time to fully appreciate it, try to transition out of that emotion.

ArtichokeSavings9472 · 2023-07-16T11:46:45+00:00

It starts with taking care of yourself, which is probably something you’ve either unknowingly or had to neglect for a while, unfortunately. I read lot of books about these things to help get some clarity and understanding about the whole situation and then keep yourself in a great support system with friends, family and online groups like this which are incredibly helpful. therapy or counseling also isn’t a bad idea especially if you’re dealing with somebody with a serious or even mild mental illness then make sure that you are getting into a gym several times a week and exercising hard eating right and sleeping right I think this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself physically and mentally the benefits of going to the gym regularly are unmatched in my opinion. So again at the end of the day, I think it’s really just taking care of yourself, putting yourself first making sure your cup is full and finding everything that truly makes you happy.

IceDue123 · 2023-07-16T10:53:09+00:00

I made a checklist ( get MSA, get divorce decree signed, go vacation with kid, etc) doing that gave me sense of agency in navigating out of the shitshow once she finally moved out.

I became more involved with my kids lives and supported their hobbies.

I reconnected with old friends, one of whom I found was going through the same thing.

One thing I didn’t do was sell the house, I kept it for my kids. I think staying hindered me from moving on.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2023-07-16T17:29:49+00:00

Hookers,Drugs and Cycling.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-07-16T15:06:12+00:00

A therapist, a gym membership, and a men's group at church.

Proud_Atmosphere8478 · 2023-07-16T14:46:26+00:00

First start reading books 📚 read articles and books that will help with the process. Also, focus on you! Focus on your mental and physical health. You have to be in a good head space in order to be good for others(your kids, etc). You can work out, get into a sport, or do an activity/hobby that you haven’t done in a while. You can find new hobbies as well! You will be surprise at what you enjoy. You can also volunteer, there are so many organizations that need volunteers. Look up events in your city, I’m sure there are plenty. There are one million ways to stay busy. I’ll say don’t dwell too much in the past. Allow yourself to grieve(for a moment) but focus on you and your future!

Rustyrockets9 · 2023-07-16T17:00:52+00:00

Gym with heavy metal that's where all rage is channeled into. Also Doom Eternal

berzerker5000 · 2023-07-16T17:07:28+00:00

I am in the midst of a divorce. I started the AthleanX workout program with my brother who lives in a another state. We are keeping eachother accountable and texting everyday. Joined a gym too. I have set goals for physical fitness/weight loss.

I am talking A LOT with family. Mostly my parents and brother, sister-in-law. But extended as well occasionally. I have tremendously valued their support and unconditional love during this time.

I kept the dogs so am not totally alone. (Wife moved and took the kids and won’t let me see them. She is in the “I am an emotional abuser, NPD” camp fueled through psychiatric brainwashing.)

I am starting to read books and read online support forums like this one.

I scheduled an appt with a men’s therapists to help with emotional and mental issues. I was depressed from a chronic sickness before this happened and the divorce and parental alienation on top of is taking its toll on me mentally.

I am going to church (or I go at least online).

I am trying to eat right.

I am doing massage treatments once to twice a month which are very therapeutic. Physical touch is important.

I went to a chiropractor. Just want to make sure I prioritize my physical health.

These are the things I have been doing in the last month since separation. I was served with divorce a week ago.

Things that are missing still:

Friends, peer support (We moved to a new state recently and I don’t have friends)

Closure (in the midst of divorce and confusion and separation from kids)

Dating (I looked at dating apps but am seriously not ready to deal with a woman)

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-07-17T03:10:23+00:00

Listen closely.

Time.
Hobbies. Gym.

Fuckin other women.

Your old life is over. Start enjoying your new one.

Thorinstumpshield · 2023-07-17T06:28:07+00:00

family, close support from family and friends, a close female friend is wonderful here. gym. and as you get emotionally stronger you should allow yourself to really feel the pain, don't feel it for hours at a time,20-30 minutes is plenty, after that make sure have people around you because it will feel like a set back but you feeling the pain of the loss etc IS the healing process.

tyyyy110 · 2023-07-16T17:57:28+00:00

Sex! And lots of it...with different women. And the gym ofc.

That's how I got my frustrations out. Fucking and pumping 🤷🏾‍♂️

My alone time was tough at 1st but then I settled into a routine.

mypiesarepiff · 2023-07-16T16:37:03+00:00

I became a much more involved father and I put myself out there and went on a bunch of dates

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-07-16T18:40:32+00:00

Therapist, a gym and a sports car helped me!

I'm now at the point of casual dating and its been a good distraction. I waited a while but I'm in a good mindset to handle it and have fun!

david10277 · 2023-07-17T13:33:04+00:00

Trip to Brazil + Working out + zero communication with ex (email only)

Title	What helped after the separation?
Author	baaadUsername
Upvotes	15
Comments	18
Date	July 16, 2023 5:24 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/150xjt9/what_helped_after_the_separation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-helped-after-the-separation.1225419 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225419

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