I think I fell out of love with my wife last night.

tragicaddiction · 2023-11-05T12:28:29+00:00

common tactic for women with low self esteem.

she in her head after sex is fearful of how she is in comparison with porn and so shames you with it instead of expressing her own fears about if she is inadequate.

they just don't have a filter/ understand that the words they use are hurtful and if she is like my ex will never see it/ apologize for it, but rather just throw it in your face that the reason she feels this way is all because of you.

you need to learn about healthy boundaries. use sentences like

When you shame me about porn use, a bomb goes off in my heart, i feel un-heard. I need you to stop bringing it up inside our normal conversations, if not then i will walk away from those conversations to calm myself down.

bring this stuff up in Therapy with goals of how to stop those conversations after sex.

chaos_bytes · 2023-11-05T12:34:29+00:00

You may not want a divorce my man, but you need one. She clearly doesn't respect you, your feelings or your efforts you have made to appease her (I'm assuming the curtail of watching porn was because of her ). If you aren't bringing this up in therapy, I implore you to do so. All the details, no matter how bad it may make her look or uncomfortable you feel doing it with her right there. One of my most clarifying moments was being in therapy with my ex-wife and seeing her lose her shit because the therapist "took my side". No, they just saw what I'd been saying and called her out on it.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-11-05T12:21:59+00:00

What? How does she throw it in your face?

Classic-Ad8157 · 2023-11-05T14:04:28+00:00

Mine served me six months ago and blamed everything on me. To be fair, I certainly played a part in the demise of the marriage. I have learned through intense therapy, dating and self discovery that my needs just simply weren’t being met and she was an absolute emotion drain on me.

6 months later and I’m in the best shape of my life, I am meeting more and better quality women who have no problem meeting my sexual needs anyway I want. If they don’t, then I don’t stick around. I spent my entire marriage thinking that I was some kind of deviant, when in all reality i was just married to a selfish prude.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-05T17:25:12+00:00

you are a Man, men do things. Also Women do things like spend too much time on tictok looking at lives of rich and famous pron too much

I don't think apologizing for main stream male behavior gets you anywhere.

If you apologize for your browsing habits. Might as well apologize for putting food on the table, and roof over her head. Apologize for working to make sure she's not out on the street corner. Apologize for being a provider and probably decent man that here in the states actually CHECKS with the woman before assuming sexual activities with his wife.

I tell you women here have it just way to easy... idle female hands are the devils hand job.

upfnothing · 2023-11-05T13:17:56+00:00

She's cheating on you. Unfaithful women usually pull this stunt. Her lover or lovers blew her back out but she has guilt at betraying her vows. She wants to go back again and again like a stray alley cat in heat back to a stud tomcat/s. So instead of being an adult who takes ownership (most women are incapable of this) she needs to build a straw man.

Why are you such a bad lover?

Why can’t you get me to climax?

How come you can’t do this right?

My two cents is she has fallen out of love with you and isn’t ready to leave you yet. This is the classic resource allocation and planning phase as she gets ready to leave you. There is no saving a relationship at this point cause women respect and submit in love. She is doing neither. Lawyer up and get therapy.

Tasty_Yogurt_9478 · 2023-11-05T12:31:35+00:00

Hey nobody is perfect , look for a local men's group around here churches have a lot . Men can be abused also

old58m · 2023-11-06T21:33:52+00:00

We've done all that stuff. This last shot at therapy has been about 6 or 8 weeks. Nothing is changing her. I've made tons of changes over the last 5 years. She just gets meaner. Right now she's texting me to see if I want to continue.

waggs160 · 2023-11-05T12:41:17+00:00

Atleast your getting sex haha just wait til it stops completely and that is the cause of an end to a relationship

SadOverIt · 2023-11-05T13:28:03+00:00

I know what you're going through. My addiction nearly destroyed my marriage. It destroyed my wife and she went into a deep depression and became a shell of herself. So many times I chose it over her. She is a beautiful lady and has men falling over her. Yet porn took away my ability to be sexually excited by her. My wife told me she felt unwanted, undesirable, disgustingly ugly and knew she couldn't compete with porn. Her self-esteem was in the toilet. She had a lot of anxiety and just like your wife, she started drinking when we would have sex. Found out it was just to numb the thoughts in her head. Very rarely did we have successful sex. My wake up call was when she got into a sexual and emotional affair. When I found out about it, I vowed to do everything I possibly could to repair the damage I had done and hold on to the best thing that's ever happened to me.
We started seeing a CSAT therapist together and she started seeing a betrayal trauma therapist. We also went to an intensive counseling retreat. Those things saved my marriage. I won't say that it's perfect but we have learned to trust each other again and are happier than we've ever been.

I don't think love can disappear in a day. You probably said you fell out of love out of anger. If that's the case, please continue with counseling. If you truly no longer love your wife, it's probably best to set her free.

mercedeszzzz · 2023-11-05T18:35:32+00:00

You said you never look now then you said You watch every 3-4 week they are two different things. You still watch it you just don’t watch it so much.

TweedStoner · 2023-11-05T12:15:26+00:00

Lol.

sicrm · 2023-11-05T13:22:04+00:00

She's told me she has to get drunk to fuck me.

this plus your post shows your wife doesn’t respect you.

until that changes, your marriage won’t be in a good place.

finding an outlet if you don’t have one already can help clear your head and build some confidence (fighting gym, cooking, any hobbies you lost touch with, or a rage room).

if you go with a fighting gym tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then get work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

visiting friends/family or a place you always wanted to see could be a good reset as well. or at the very least, you can call them to catch up.

Bluetoes1 · 2023-11-05T15:45:50+00:00

Bring it up in therapy. Exactly what you wrote here. Work through it, or if you guys can’t, you may need to be looking in another direction.

BudFox_LA · 2023-11-05T16:18:06+00:00

You need to get out, now. Sexual problems and dysfunction in a relationship are the death knell. And any chick that admonishes a man for enjoying a little porn needs to gooooo. My gf and I enjoy it together sometimes, she watches it sometimes and I occasionally do too. You don’t need to be with some quaker, dude. Hit the road jack

Educational-Hour5755 · 2023-11-05T16:24:04+00:00

I hate to pry, and Im not judging you or anything, but i need to ask, what do you mean by things blowing up?

theduckbilledplatypi · 2023-11-05T17:18:18+00:00

Reminds me of me and my ex wife. If the sex was good there wasn’t a problem. If for whatever reason it just didn’t go great (which sometimes just happens) all of the sudden she would shut down, blame porn, act like I never loved her, and the tension would exist throughout the night and until we had good sex again.

Brave_Cauliflower_77 · 2023-11-05T18:19:39+00:00

Idk….as a therapist I say end it. Not because of her but because of you. I’d just taken at face value what you’re doing is saying you want a divorce but trying to blame it on her. As an addictions specialist and behavioral therapist saying you had a porn addiction and now just look at it every so often is like saying I used to do crack but I quit and just do it every few weeks….she needs to communicate what she needs from you to help her feel safe with you again and be able to trust you. You need to communicate with her that she is who you want and you will work with her to save the marriage. Y’all both have a lot to work through separately and together but you both need to stop blaming each other for all of the problems. It takes 2 to tango. You don’t know what you don’t know. If you so choose to leave the marriage future relationships may end up the same way because you never worked through your own issues and what you need from a partner. Also, no real progress can be made in therapy in only a few weeks especially with someone who has trust issues. Look up betrayal trauma and try to look at things from her perspective, not how you THINK she should be perceiving the situation.

Title	I think I fell out of love with my wife last night.
Author	old58m
Upvotes	22
Comments	57
Date	November 5, 2023 12:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17oag2h/i_think_i_fell_out_of_love_with_my_wife_last_night/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-think-i-fell-out-of-love-with-my-wife-last-night.1237433 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237433

Comments