I often hear the advice "Don't try too hard" and "Stop looking for a relationship and one will come to you". How is this not BS?

nevertextgoodnight · 2022-08-03T22:07:02+00:00

There's different stages, at first every thing will seem very mechanical and rigid as you learn certain things

The guys that are saying things like don't try too hard etc are probably in a more intermediate, advanced stage where they are getting results more easily because they already put in some work in the past and theyre realizing "hey it's not that hard after all"

There is a very true statement that may seem counterintuitive: those who look hungry don't get fed

That is generally what people are saying when they say things like don't look for a relationship. Girls can sense it like blood in the water if a guy is hungry to lock a girl down like he just got a new puppy

I can go on and on but the topic is very broad and hopefully this shed some light. If you have a more direct question going forward I'll be happy to share insight

focus_flow69 · 2022-08-04T00:10:21+00:00

You are correct in the sense that I'd you aren't proactive about it nothing will happen in life.

Think of it this way.

You open lots of girls, socialize a lot and try to meet women at every opportunity possible in your life. You learn from trial and error, you use resources, you read a few books, you come on here and read some advice and try it out in your next interactions. Obviously this takes times and you are "trying". This is good, this is what you want to do to be taking action towards what you want. This is how you get better at anything in life, deliberate and focussed practice in an iterative process where you alternate between classroom theory and actually doing it.

However, what is bad is when you let this consume your life, personality and mindset. In other words, you become obsessed. Especially if you aren't getting as many favourable results as you'd like. This happens often, guys get rejected a few times starting out and they become crazy fixated on the results. They let these rejections and their progress of attracting women dictate their life. No. You have to understand rejections are part of the journey. Sometimes you just need a break to avoid obsessing and take a step back to focus on yourself. Focussing on yourself is the other part of attracting women. You live life doing what makes you happy, letting your journey to become better with women take secondary focus. This doesn't mean you don't still open women, you still can and should, but it just means you are more focussed on your own amusement, entertainment and well being. You go out to meet women, but if there's no women out, you just talk to guys, play some pool, have a beer and watch some sports. And be perfectly ok with that, just totally content with yourself because it's what you wanted to do and you have a good time doing that. As opposed to someone who's obsessed with going out just to meet women, and if they don't meet any then they deem it a failed night. You focus on things you can change about yourself to become a better person, more confident person. Maybe you realize you are boring and don't have many interesting hobbies. So you go and try rock climbing and see if you like it. Now you have a hobby, by focussing on yourself and living your life. At the same time, now you have a cool hobby that makes you a more interesting person when you do meet women.

You alternate between these two states of focussing on yourself and taking action to meet and escalate with women. After a while of alternating, you will ask yourself why am I not doing both at the same time? Voila.

gobblegoobleoneofus · 2022-08-04T01:45:01+00:00

ah you are on the tightrope. I was there for a while.

Its the classic dilemma: Girls love it when you are uninterested, but then how do you show interest without them being put off by it?

What works for me is I mostly act disinterested until they give me signals. Then I talk to them and ask them out and if they don't reciprocate I forget about them.

5_7pickup · 2022-08-04T01:55:21+00:00

It's... misinterpreted advice. The point isn't to not pursue women. The point is to be OUTCOME INDEPENDENT. It means, you don't let the results affect you. If you want more women in your life then you'll have to meet even more women. So yes, you'll have to initiate with them because women just aren't going to initiate on you.

I found the most success with women when I took massive action in pursuing women. Just prior to a month ago, I would go out 20 hours a week with the sole objective of picking up girls. Go read some of my field reports. I've documented it all since day 1.

puma085 · 2022-08-04T07:16:05+00:00

What makes you think it is BS in the first place. Persuing women is skill. Like every other art out there you will find people that will never become good at it no matter how often they try. And some people are bad at first and will get eventually good at after many failures. But it is not the solution for everybody.

I had 3 long term relationships in my life and they just found me by just living my normal daily life. It just happened.

The only reason why I am trying to get familar with PUA is that I am getting old. My hometown is a averaged mess and the chance to meet women that are relationship material is nearly impossible. So perusing women is the only chance I have for now.

I ran out of luck. I cannot complain too much though. It worked 3 times which is a small miracle by itself.

There is no definite answer for your question which method is there best.

With both methods some will prevail and many more will fail. No matter what they do.

The only thing you can to is trying to give your best and improve yourself as much as you can. Then hope that you are among the guys who do not fail

jsbach123 · 2022-08-04T03:22:25+00:00

It's not BS because nothing is lower value than a needy clingy guy. This will literally repulse women.

Don't buy into extremes where you either have to pursue relentlessly or act completely disinterested. There's a happy medium. This is what's wrong with many men seeking seduction advice. They often try to find some rigid dogma.

Neo-Rio · 2022-08-04T05:48:05+00:00

I've often thought that men should strive to be manwhores to women - that is, if you want a huge notch count.

That actually involves giving of yourself. Not trying to get for yourself but rather finding women who need you and sleeping with them - instead of trying to go for the inaccessible 9s and 10s - unless of course, they happen to want what you've got. This makes pickup more selfless. This also makes "rejection" much easier to handle because you're going to be spreading out your "would you like some dick" business anyway, and what you will display is an attitude of outcome independence.

Let women see you as a manwhore who is just trying to sleep around. The problem is that many men try and hide this from women, thinking it's a turn off. It really isn't. I have been to parties and just gone around hitting on women. Sure a few said no, but all the women who DID want to have sex SAW what was going on, and then they really opened themselves up to me - knowing that I was offering! Maybe they weren't the best looking there (although sometimes they were), but I was at least getting laid that night without going home to play with Mrs Palmer and her five daughters.

Relationships kinda suck. Men, as a general rule, don't really need them. We don't get pregnant and need to rope in a partner to look after kids, so we just don't "get it". Relationships will find you if the woman wants one - and the option to take it will be yours. Otherwise just keep sleeping around and focusing on that.

All you really want to do with women is have sex and maybe chat for a bit, but beyond that women are so different to men you're probably not going to want to spend all that much time together unless you are both passionate about doing something else together.

jaypb182 · 2022-08-04T06:00:47+00:00

It's obviously the former. Unless you're a giga Chad, women won't come to you. So you have to actively pursue them.

incognito3107 · 2022-08-04T09:10:50+00:00

It's all about finding the proper balance and testing what is working the best for you. "Don't try too hard" and "Stop looking for a relationship and one will come to you" means more or less that you should not act desperate. It's not a simple task to find a good partner, you should stay casual and natural to find woman the suits you well and other way around without much artificial effort.

AngeloMacon · 2022-08-04T15:18:41+00:00

That advice applies when you're actively talking to a woman. You need to be aggressive about meeting and approaching. Once you say hello, at that point don't come off desperate or needy is what is meant by this advice.

sparklingwinepapi92 · 2022-08-04T18:00:49+00:00

This is usually from guys who know what they're doing. Just because someone is successful at something doesn't mean they're good at teaching others how to do it. That statement doesn't just apply to seduction, if you go to any university there are professors who are brilliant experts in their field but can't teach students for shit.

While they aren't wrong and it isn't BS per se, they just aren't telling you 'how' specifically to go about this. How do you "don't try too hard", how do you "just be confident bro", etc. They know how to do this already, but they're giving this advice to people who don't know how to do this.

jzdelona · 2022-08-04T19:23:11+00:00

Contrary to some beliefs I've seen expressed here women generally aren't going to pursue a guy that is standoffish and uninterested. Why would I want to date someone that ignores me? That can comes off as either snobby or too insecure to mess with. Be friendly but not creepy or needy about it. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Men in general, at least in the US are more timid than they used to be. Maybe it's a combination of MeToo and lack of socialization due to technology/gaming etc. But I think it's refreshing to be politely approached and asked out. If you chat with a girl online seal the deal for an IRL meeting fast, prolonged texting is much more likely to die on the vine. Be decisive, ask them what their favorite things to do are and pick something specific to invite them to. Try to also learn how to handle rejection, learn from it and keep trying for the next one.

Belerofontes · 2022-08-03T23:49:22+00:00

Taoism talks about it. The philosophy of inaction. You should give taoism a read.

atomant88 · 2022-08-03T22:30:18+00:00

Who on this pickup sub is advocating for that ?

Romantic_Adventurer · 2022-08-03T23:51:29+00:00

Always open sets, with a positive expectation. I have received money from people who I thought I would date, so always be on the lookout for the next best opportunity!

Stay grateful, Romantic_Adventurer.

BlackGlitterBomb_S · 2022-08-04T00:40:24+00:00

I think it means focus on you and see what opportunities come your way.

Jay_k447 · 2022-08-04T04:28:08+00:00

The point of "don't try too hard" is to not seem desperate. If a girl smells ur desperation she won't respect u. Even if she goes out with desperate you, you will end up getting hurt. "Stop looking for a relationship and one will come to you" means you should just be yourself, don't overthink things like "she wants me to keep pursuing her", "she is testing to see if I'm interested in her" (when she avoids you). When u hit it off with a girl naturally u will find the right one, with whom u can have a relationship. If u fake ur conversation nd pretend ur interested just to be with her, how much time do u think would u fake it?

MO_drps_knwldg · 2022-08-04T01:02:35+00:00

I definitely think if you seek out a relationship and really want one, you’ll psych yourself out too much when an opportunity comes. As opposed to when you date, have fun, stay in the moment, and let things develop naturally, there’s not as much pressure and you can be in a more relaxed, natural state when you meet someone

tlthang · 2022-08-04T19:42:05+00:00

Maybe this fit you better?

Don’t DESPERATELY trying.. trying is ok

xxchhfdd35325 · 2022-08-04T21:24:42+00:00

Work on your cowardice first then worry about women it’s 100% true. It means when you’re relaxed you’re having fun exuding confidence that women enjoy. You’re too scared of a mythical unicorn that doesn’t exist to see they’re humans dude chill tf out

4951studios · 2022-08-04T21:30:48+00:00

Moral is be open and ready when the opportunity presents itself but don’t overthink it lol

grindforthegold · 2022-08-04T21:34:54+00:00

it’s complete bullshit. i got my first gf and she was super hot and i was dying to get a gf. just shit coaches say to keep you hooked buying their products. beware of bad advice , focus on improving your looks and your game strategy

Title	I often hear the advice "Don't try too hard" and "Stop looking for a relationship and one will come to you". How is this not BS?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	38
Comments	25
Date	August 3, 2022 9:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/wfj2fk/i_often_hear_the_advice_dont_try_too_hard_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-often-hear-the-advice-dont-try-too-hard-and-stop.1252887 https://theredarchive.com/post/1252887

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