nice guy obstacles to attraction and expressing intent

caesarfecit · 2022-01-04T20:42:22+00:00

Here's the irony of the recovering nice guy plight. The actual differences between a nice guy and a guy who is naturally good with women are very slight. Most so-called "naturals" are that way because they had good early experiences with women, a crutch they can rely on, or a personality that tends towards low-grade narcissism. They tend to have better than average social skills than your nice guy, but not enough to explain away the disparate outcomes. Most of what they've got is experience with women finding them attractive, so they know how to play to their strengths and are more comfortable escalating boldly. That's it.

My experience with women has taught me that having good game is a skillset, just like anything else, and someone who is trained will always be better than someone who is not, no matter what natural talent they do have. So if the differences in experience eventually average out, and the natural advantages naturals enjoy, what is the difference? Mindset.

Naturals start out with the right mindset and get more positive experience to reinforce it. So as a result, they get results with women, despite not really knowing much of what we'd call game, because they never needed it.

So how does one import a confident, masculine mindset?

Let me give you an example of someone who could have easily became a nice guy, or otherwise never reached their full potential, but did anyway.

He grew up in Glasgow and later Stratford in England, in the 70s. His father was a piece of shit violent alcoholic and his family was a step above homeless. He never did well in school, and his only pathway out of hell was a bit of athletic skill. And then he blew out his knee. He was dirt poor, on his own, and had no marketable skills to his name, outside of a year of community college culinary school. 99 out of 100 people in his situation would have become a nameless faceless statistic.

His salvation was that he chose dedicate himself to one true passion, one purpose, and focused as much of his energy as he possibly could on it. To hear him talk about his work today, he literally talks about it sexually, as if his work was his lover. The thing I want you the reader to focus on was him pouring all of his focus, his energy, his libido into his craft. He found his purpose and stuck to it like glue.

And now I know you've heard of him, even if you have no idea who I'm talking about. His name is Gordon Ramsay. He's a personal hero of mine, and not only is he wildly popular with women, he's got a generally awesome life with both massive professional and personal success.

This was a guy who got the shit beat out of him by his father, had his bosses reduce him to crying in the corner and then laugh about it after, and had to eat shit for years and risk everything just to get his shot. And he fucking executed. How's that for resilience, for killer instinct, for sheer balls.

If a guy can walk a tough road like that and come out not only stronger, but purified, so can you. You just have to choose the path of finding your purpose and making it your lover. Then every woman who comes close will have to compete for your love, by default.

That's how you be a man.

maplemario · 2022-01-05T01:18:38+00:00

I also grew up without a strong male role model, my father is definitely more of a reserved man who owns his agency but not in a way that is obvious or that he ever transmitted to me.

Something that nobody seems to mention: behind every man who struggles with owning his masculine agency are the people who undermine it for him. Unfortunately, for some people, this is immediate family. It sounds like you don't live with your family, so you have it much easier.

Figure out who you feel insecure around. Make a list of who truly matters to you, enough to justify putting in effort to set boundaries with them, and who doesn't. Then, act on that list. Start setting boundaries with the people in the first list, and drift apart from people in the second list. Decline their invitations, etc.

I had three main people like this in my life. The first was a woman, who thankfully was removed through no action of my own. The second was a man who I've known for the better part of a decade, who is a deeply broken human and somewhat of a narcissist, who was a father figure to me at one point until I understood how flawed he was, but he still held on to that power dynamic. The final one was an idol of mine that I had met and who effectively bullied me under the guise of friendly banter.

I actually very recently hung out with the last person again (sort of to prove to myself that I had made progress), and felt a lot more comfortable owning myself this time, which is a huge step.

ddrj · 2022-01-05T00:22:39+00:00

Treat women like women and not your mother

norwegiandoggo · 2022-01-04T19:54:10+00:00

One of the things that worked for me was embracing being a creep. If girls would ever criticize me for doing anything creepy or being a player or something like that I would say "yeah, I'm creepy" or "yeah I'm a player". I still say it all the time with my girlfriend. I will be like "oh I know I'm creepy".

I see it as a badge of honor. Men who have a fear of being creepy typically don't do well with women. Why? Because being a man with sexual desires is always going to creepy in the eyes of some women. So you have to risk being creepy to get anywhere with any woman. One of the "role models" that I feel embraces being creepy is Conan O Brien.

VorpalPaperclip · 2022-01-05T02:51:57+00:00

You don’t express this explicitly, you operate as an autonomous man that attracts everyone and you let the ones you want in. I don’t know exactly what you are saying about express your desire but if you are forcing something using words to try to communicate it you haven’t done the other part first which is to make them just want to be with you. Its not the same as cold approaches, thats just, “Hi, what’s your name and phone number.”

Getting to this point requires not giving a crap about outcomes with anyone. You treat people well, but you are taking your own life where you want it to be. Nothing else will do. When you care about outcomes and are frustrated you will have fear with people and that just runs them off. None of us are like this all the time, we have good days and bad but once you move into your own, you will start to feel this sense of ease with everything you do, win or lose.

jujutoastybuns · 2022-01-05T04:53:53+00:00

What makes you a so called nice guy?

Shadow__Account · 2022-04-26T19:08:28+00:00

That stumbling in the dark really resonated with me, at the same time don't let it be an excuse.

nice guy obstacles to attraction and expressing intent

Comments

The skills are no help to you if your mindset is crap. That's my whole fucking point.

Title	nice guy obstacles to attraction and expressing intent
Author	theravenheadedone
Upvotes	82
Comments	53
Date	January 4, 2022 7:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/rw28re/nice_guy_obstacles_to_attraction_and_expressing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/nice-guy-obstacles-to-attraction-and-expressing.1269661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1269661