How to Liberate Yourself From Low Self-Esteem

DerpBurglar · 2013-02-28T17:20:46+00:00

Damn, I almost feel like that was written about me. Thanks for the link!

NickTDS · 2013-02-28T17:14:21+00:00

Confidence is not thinking what others think of you, but what you think of yourself.

infinityofnever · 2013-02-28T19:16:33+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I am going through a break up and as you may know, I have lost all confidence as a man. Reading this has made everything click in my head and I feel like I am back. Confidence for a man sharply draws the line between everything in the world and absolute nothing.

MagicalReing7913 · 2013-02-28T17:41:15+00:00

It always scares me how accurately some of these posts describe me. Then I realize that since I fit the scenarios so well, I can find exactly what I need to motivate myself to me forward.

haloll · 2013-02-28T19:17:54+00:00

Any ideas on how someone as depression can integrate these ideas? I feel like everything I've tried to beat it isn't working.

NickTDS · 2013-02-28T19:00:12+00:00

Great article thanks for writing it and sharing it with us.

lost_my_bearings · 2013-02-28T22:38:45+00:00

Interesting read. The problem, I think, is not choosing to go down the right path. The trick here is to get up and stand after the walk down the right path knocked you to the ground. It takes courage to go and talk to the girl after the last five or six made you feel miserable. It's not easy to go out and be with people if the last few times you did it made you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

I agree with the everything that has been written, no doubt. But it makes it sound as if you try these things once and you will immediately succeed and love yourself. It's having a good success to failure ratio that works and keeps you going. If you keep failing, it's hard to talk yourself into trying one more time and avoid the wrong path. That's where the problem lies. And, to be honest, that's what I struggle with.

MusikLehrer · 2013-03-01T03:11:53+00:00

But what about those of us whose low self-esteem is entirely warranted and not irrational? Those of us who are boring, hopelessly ugly, awkward, unfunny, overweight, unsightly, odd or lanky? In my opinion, acting like those facts are untrue would be completely dishonest. Acceptance is the best path; fake self-esteem when you are the kind of person I am is a lie.

TrynaCatchaStar · 2013-02-28T17:51:41+00:00

Hi could someone copy and paste all the info there and post it in this thread or send it to me in a PM please? Thank you

spacepack · 2013-02-28T21:40:06+00:00

Not too bad overall. The last section on "Recognizing poor choices and getting on the right path" was pretty good. I'm definitely guilty of thinking a bit too much on some things rather just doing.

TL;DR Go for it.

mikasaur · 2013-02-28T21:42:06+00:00

Might I also suggest therapy? If you truly have a a severe-to-moderate self esteem problem there are certainly things you can do for yourself, but a therapist might be better equipped to identify and solve the root of your problem.

NickTDS · 2013-02-28T22:12:18+00:00

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AsianJoW · 2013-02-28T22:29:24+00:00

As someone who thinks they have decent self-esteem, this was a good read. Glad you were able to share this link. It looks like i am on the right path, but I just need to continue to walk down it.

Birdoftruth · 2013-03-01T00:10:35+00:00

Nick I noticed a lot of overlap with this and Dr. Paul's Mind OS. Is there any connection?

ObvNotAThrowaway · 2013-03-01T02:42:46+00:00

Easier said than done. I wish I could push myself and utilize this advice but for the last 3+ years, it's just been so hard to even socialize to the point where I literally only have my physical health and academics in college that's going right for me. It's like, I am fully aware I'm going to regret it years from now but revisiting past scars is too painful.

Throwawaytaro · 2013-03-01T08:35:25+00:00

thanks for this post.

General_Awesome · 2013-03-01T11:39:27+00:00

Right path: You show your intentions to her because that’s how you truly feel. You feel courageous for putting everything out in the open. If she doesn’t return interest, you can be relieved to know she isn’t compatible with you.

Doesn't this take a little bit of the mystery away though? I kind of like this chick from class (we have to work together on a paper), but I have only seen her once. Should I just ask her out next time I see her?

Transmetropolitan · 2013-03-01T13:26:59+00:00

The best tool to liberate yourself from low self-esteem. Working out at the gym. I mean go watch the movie Rocky it was written when Stallone was at the lowest point in his life.

ScotchDream · 2013-03-04T13:19:03+00:00

This is the best article I've read so far about outcome independence and building confidence. Nice find!

schotastic · 2013-03-14T15:42:03+00:00

I'm 13 days late to the party, but I wanted to point out a common thread in all your suggestions based on psychological theory. You seem like someone interested in reader feedback; otherwise I wouldn't have bothered with this comment.

Self-esteem is more than just an indicator of your perceived worth. It's a direct gauge of your perceived social value as per Leary's Sociometer Theory. People who feel socially valued have high self-esteem, and people who feel they have no social value (i.e. people who get rejected) have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem makes you withdraw from the world--a sensible and adaptive response when you expect rejection.

The trouble arises when your estimation of social value is wrong or easily repaired. Why? Because

1. You have not updated your social value. Avoiding social contact is a good way to protect yourself from rejection, but a terrible way to update and improve your social value. Learned helplessness keeps you stuck in the same mindset despite having opportunities, talents, and attractiveness that you didn't have before. You are selling yourself short because you have no idea what your market value really is.

2. You sabotage yourself. Acting like you have no social value will naturally make people think you are a low value person. You create a self-fulfilling prophecy that artificially deflates your social value (self-verification theory is also relevant here). Note: artificially deflates--take away the self-sabotage and your social value automatically rises. You become more fun to be with, and a good conversationalist.

3. You have chosen a poorly-fitting group as your referent. Your sociometer fluctuates the most in response to rejection or acceptance from a valued or desired group. This group is your referent. Maybe it's a specific group from school or from work. It could be your group of friends from way back. Now, I firmly believe that 99.99% of people are able to achieve group value or social value if only they find the right group for themselves--that is to say, a group in which they are a good fit in terms of interests, personality, etc. Many people with low group value have chosen referent groups where they do not fit for reasons that are often not their fault. This is like buying ill-fitting shoes and then cursing your feet when they don't fit. Change to a better fitting pair, and everything becomes much more comfortable. Your group value will naturally rise because you fit in with the group. Conversation becomes easier. You entertain them easily, and they entertain you right back. This is reminiscent of the Gibson quote, ""Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

I firmly believe that the vast majority of people with low self-esteem have not calibrated their sociometers, are artificially depressing their sociometers, or are calibrating their sociometers on an ill-fitting social group. These are the people you can help.

Now, your suggestions are great for improving self-esteem among these people. Why? Because it forces them to update their social value with new information. Every time they put themselves out their and not get rejected, that's new information. Even a mild rejection is far better than the catastrophe they were expecting, indicating higher social value than they thought. If, however, they are dealt soul-crushing rejection, their projections of low social value will be validated and their self-esteem will suffer accordingly.

Making them experience their true (higher) social value is the key. We place most faith in the information we learn through experience. Indeed, dating self-efficacy (i.e. dating self-confidence) improves most by virtue of successful dating experience.

The practical implications of this approach to self-esteem are boundless. If you can target and destroy the source of the miscalibration of the socoiometer, you can begin to heal the wounds of low self-esteem.

Whew, this turned out to be a novel. Let me know if you have more questions and I'll try to answer.

2013-02-28T22:38:18+00:00

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farrbahren · 2013-03-01T00:24:51+00:00

How do I deal with my superiority complex?

ConveyorofThings · 2013-03-01T02:20:41+00:00

Hmm, makes sense. I'm basically the coolest most suave mother fucker I know.

therhymenoreason · 2013-02-28T23:00:34+00:00

Holy shit I'm sending this to my exes.

Title	How to Liberate Yourself From Low Self-Esteem
Author	NickTDS
Upvotes	409
Comments	52
Date	February 28, 2013 3:45 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/19eepm/how_to_liberate_yourself_from_low_selfesteem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-liberate-yourself-from-low-self-esteem.1290981 https://theredarchive.com/post/1290981

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