Oneitis: What it is and isn't, and why it matters.

It seems there's been an influx of relationship-related posts recently. one dealing with what to do on what to do once you get the girl, and the dangers of going full player mode if that's not what you actually want.

I won't lie, I'm still fairly new at this, but this is a subject that has plagued my dating life for a long time. Thanks to Seddit and general life experiences, I've finally managed to learn what this is and isn't. I'm hoping that this thread will clear up some misconceptions and illuminate some pitfalls.

Now, obviously, If all you want is to go out, have a good time, and nail lots of chicks, this post probably isn't for you, but I think there's something everyone can draw from this thread.

WHAT ONEITIS IS

Oneitis is when you find yourself pining over a single woman who is unobtainable. You hold her up as a pinnacle as all you hold beautiful in this world, and refuse to acknowledge, or even actively deny other opportunities that come up. These opportunities can be other women, but they can also be things like Job Offers, Vacations, going out with friends, etc. The rationale behind this is almost always, "I'm just waiting for her to come around", or some variation there of. Fuck that! She isn't responsible for your happiness! YOU ARE! So get out there and do something about it!

In a nutshell, Oneitis is putting the pussy on the pedestal. There's no two ways about it. It's a complete lack of focus on yourself and your own interests; you put all of your energy into a woman that has no intent to reciprocate. Knock it off.

• "itis" is a suffix used to denote a pathological issue. The actual, technical details are not important, but keep this in mind: "itis" means something bad.

• 99% of Oneitis cases are ex-post-facto, meaning that it happens after the fact. You've made a play for a girl, failed, and now you're caught up on her.

• This is bad because you're focusing your energies on a girl that you cannot obtain. It screws with your inner game, fucks up your priorities, and can even lead to depression in severe cases.

• Oneitis keeps you from functioning at your peak. You're funneling energy into a black hole. This is energy that you should be putting into meeting other women, pursuing a passion, or just enjoying life.

• In the rare case that you develop Oneitis while dating a girl, it can cloud your vision. If you're dating a girl that doesn't really match up with you, and you actively turn away or tune out other girls that match up much better with your values, personality, etc, you have Oneitis. if anything comes of your efforts with the current girl, it will crash and burn in a spectacular way, and you'll be kicking yourself for not admitting to yourself that it wasn't a good match and missing out on all those other girls that now have boyfriends.

WHAT ONEITIS IS NOT

• Oneitis is not simply dating one girl at a time. Some people prefer the simplicity. You don't have to let down anyone else if things work out, You don't have to keep likes and dislikes straight, and you can focus your energy on one person at a time.

• Oneitis is not wanting or pursuing an LTR.

• Oneitis is not being in a closed relationship.

• Oneitis is not having stronger feelings for one girl over another, (unless you're not actively dating her).

here's what fellow Sedditor nycprowl has to say on the subject

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ONEITIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS INTIMACY

This seems to be the biggest issue newbies seem to have a hard time wrapping their head around. Because you're into a girl, and she's into you...it's NOT ONEITIS. That's called developing a healthy relationship. Seddit and PUA material doesn't teach you to shun these feelings, on the contrary. Seddit provides the skills to help get you to that point if that's what you're looking for.

When people here say "kill off oneitis", they mean the unrequited love bullshit. The incredibly needy, "but she's the only one for me" type of feelings when THOSE FEELINGS ARE NOT RETURNED. Again, if the feelings are mutual, you don't have oneitis and you don't have to become all closed off if you're looking for a girlfriend. It only becomes a problem when the girl has rejected you or you've friendzoned yourself, and you can't get past her... meanwhile she is not interested in being with you.

Please, don't confuse a healthy mutual desire to be with someone and the neediness of oneitis, it'll fuck you over. I know people who've been around already know this, but with the response of the post in question, it's obvious that the topic is one that confuses some.

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WHY IT MATTERS

In the second thread I linked to above, I think that does a pretty good job of clearly demonstrating this. The OP lost out on something potentially good because he was afraid of developing Oneitis, when there really was no danger at all. This situation was the result of a tragic misunderstanding. If you're reading this, I feel for you dude, and all I can say is to keep on going and don't let it happen again; You know what you want now. There's nothing to be ashamed of, =)

There's no shame in wanting an LTR, there's nothing wrong with having feelings for someone. What IS wrong, is getting hung up on a single girl that you have no realistic chance with, and passing up other awesome women and depriving said women of an awesome guy. It's selfish and inconsiderate on multiple levels.

Hell, even if you just start off wanting to get laid, and unless you have explicitly laid out the parameters of your relationship beforehand as a FWB/FB arrangement, If you develop feelings for a girl along the way, THAT'S OKAY!

I guess I've said all of that to say this:

Emotions themselves are like guns; inert and have no power to act in and of themselves: It's what we do with them that matters. Emotion gives us passion, passion gives us confidence. Avoiding emotion will get you nowhere. Instead, temper it and forge it into something productive. It's your control, not your lack, of emotion that makes you attractive. There's a time and a place for everything. Come out and say what you want; playing it safe is not going to get you what you want. You have to take risks to find happiness and success. This applies to everything, not just dating.

in closing:

• Be honest with yourself about what you want. If you want to fuck girls and have One night stands, do that. If you want a relationship, don't be afraid to start one if the offer comes up, or to make your own offer. If you don't know what you want, then consider taking some time off to seriously consider your motives. You'll have a more positive impact on your life and the lives of those around you.

• Be honest with others. If you just want casual sex, make that clear from the get go. Don't string other's along. If you want a relationship, don't string yourself along.

• If you change your mind about either one of these, that's perfectly fine. Just make sure to keep everyone involved informed of what's going on. If you all of a sudden just want to bang, Stringing girls on is a huge dick move, and there's no surefire way of developing oneitis than to keep sleeping with a girl you've developed feelings for that she will never reciprocate.

• leash your emotions, don't euthanize them. Like I said above, emotions are an integral part of the human experience. Don't be afraid to let them out, but know how far to let them go.

We're all students here; Questions, Comments, Criticism, etc are all welcome!

EDIT: There's some good stuff down in the comments too. Make sure you read through it!