How to Turn Shame Into Confidence

r0k0v · 2013-04-12T16:22:25+00:00

I just realized that my crippling fear of showing emotion, affection and vulnerability comes from shame. Thanks for opening my eyes.

NickTDS · 2013-04-12T14:39:03+00:00

I enjoyed this. Thanks for something new.

NickTDS · 2013-04-12T17:18:12+00:00

This is something I can incredibly relate to, and have worked on for the last few months. After losing 90 lbs and working insanely hard on both my inner and outer self, I still wasn't getting the success or appreciation I assumed I would get, and (though I didn't know it was manifesting itself this way) I felt like I was broken. I had shame about both the way I looked despite all the work I had put in the gym as well as shame about how unlikable I felt I was. This was a dark time for me, and I lost a lot of friends during this time (though admittedly I was also suffering from BDD, and still do).

This guide is excellent in the sense of self-reflection and self-analysis, as these are many of the things I have forced myself to do to think about my negative thoughts and reframe them. I had to read multiple books though to get this insight. This is a great starting point in getting your thoughts in a more positive direction.

I do have a question though: What do you do if there are still some problems you have that you cannot figure out the root cause of despite self-reflection? I still feel like I am having issues of being likable to people, but I cannot figure out for the life of me what is causing this, even after examining myself and my actions. Is there anything I can do to figure this out or just simply become more likable?

TheCuriousDude · 2013-04-12T15:13:35+00:00

It certainly doesn't help when you see "FAQs" like this one on how to not be creepy.

"Don't approach girls. Don't look at them. Don't talk to them. Don't touch them. Never bring up sexually-charged topics."

I can understand to respect people's boundaries, and I definitely know not to continue anything if a girl seems uncomfortable or straight-up says "no". But, the girls passing off their personal preferences as objective creepiness in this link are just unbearable. I swear some of them would rather have males stay inside and not interact with them at all. I struggle to see how they make friends outside of class, much less get dates.

dysrhythmic · 2013-04-12T21:02:06+00:00

I'll be honest... I almost cried while Reading this because I felt sooo shitty for not approaching... I spent about dozen hours in field during daytime and i think i approached less than ten times. All I wanted to do was to approach and Maybe banter shortly but i usually couldnt so i felt shitty everytime after.

Now i know What i should meditate on and deal with. Thank you very very fucking much. You probably made my day . .. Ok just evening but still it's cool :-)

Alar1k · 2013-04-12T16:41:43+00:00

Good article. It's already linked in the beginning, but for those who read to the end and maybe forgot, here is the related TED talk by Brene Brown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

jewiger · 2013-04-12T16:40:16+00:00

Thanks Nick .... the difference between shame and guilt is an important distinction into how you handle rejection.

NickTDS · 2013-04-12T19:57:46+00:00

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pritikina · 2013-04-12T20:42:34+00:00

Wow, many thanks for this. My actions & thoughts make a little more sense now.

matisseman · 2013-04-12T21:15:09+00:00

Toxic shame is a big problem for a lot of 'nice guys.' Realizing where this originates from within one's childhood can be a huge step toward becoming a happier person. Glover talks a lot about this in his book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy.'

jbartlik · 2013-04-12T17:49:34+00:00

According to this article... i'm depressed

PyouA · 2013-04-12T23:17:14+00:00

I think if you took someone who was totally horrible with women and eventually became a lady's man, the single difference that would be present in every guy would be that he now views his missteps through a guilty perspective rather than a shameful one.

Having said that - I don't mean to strawman you here pal - I think you're looking at the result of the interactions, not the cause.

I like poker. There are a lot of players out there who are basically just people with gambling addictions. When they just sit there and put all their money in the pot until they lose it all - they know, as it is happening, that they are going to lose. They just can't help themselves. So how am I going to look at that guy and say, "oh, well, people make mistakes - looks like the cards just didn't fall for you that hand" and be serious about anything?

On the other hand if you say that to someone who really knows what they are doing (and doesn't have a gambling addiction) in the exact same empirical circumstance - the words couldn't be truer.

Same with girls. There are lots of skills and work involved in going from shame to guilt. You have to build inner game, learn tools and feel shitty for a little while until you figure out what works for you.

Then and only then, does the guilt over shame thing come into play.

moxiedrinker82 · 2013-04-12T23:55:58+00:00

I'm gonna have so much confidence now...

KAMFlamenco · 2013-04-13T15:41:25+00:00

Thank you for this link. I went out tonight by myself and I failed miserably. As I was calling for the night, shame really took a hold on me. However after reading and watching the TED video, I've realized that I shouldn't be shamed of myself. In fact I should be glad what I did tonight. I learned a lot and like others said, once you turn into guilty, it's only matter time till you figure out what works for you.

I really feel positive about myself now. Thank you OP. I can safely say I can sleep well without feeling shitty or worthless. thank you

SuperChoopieBoopies · 2013-04-14T04:35:30+00:00

I saw so much of myself in this post, and I'm a woman. I don't have much trouble connecting with people and going on dates...but I do struggle to be vulnerable because of the shame factor. Reading through everyone's comments here made me so sad. So many of my guy friends feel the way that you all do, have the experiences you do, and beat themselves up terribly... I do a lot of coaching and talking through, etc, but it just kills me to see them feel so incapable when they're nice, lovely people.

Title	How to Turn Shame Into Confidence
Author	NickTDS
Upvotes	304
Comments	39
Date	April 12, 2013 2:17 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1c7g68/how_to_turn_shame_into_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-turn-shame-into-confidence.1350508 https://theredarchive.com/post/1350508

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