How do you remove neediness from your life?

calzoncillo · 2013-04-22T03:13:47+00:00

Read books.

pirateundies · 2013-04-22T02:50:30+00:00

The gym isn't the only hobby that makes you a manly-man. Get another one. While you're waiting for the next episode of Game of Thrones to go up pirate Rosetta Stone and teach yourself a language you've always been interested in, practice an instrument, paint a stick-figure masterpiece, or even just go out to a movie alone rather than sit at your laptop clicking the mouse non-stop for thirty minutes straight playing LoL.

A lot of people who go out and party every night don't just do it for the socializing. It's because they don't do shit with their time and feel like losers.

fer_sher · 2013-04-22T06:26:07+00:00

This is going to seem backwards at first, but bear with me here:

I'm naturally an introvert, so I gain my "energy" from being alone and doing stuff by myself. I've actually had to tackle your problem in reverse--how do I get myself to feel okay going out every night and spending time with people? It's exhausting to me and can get expensive at times.

It boils down to the same problem though--how do I get out of my element? The key for me was learning to be proud of who I am. Over the past several months I've gotten to the point where I can say I live an extremely fulfilling life, and I've made great accomplishments that I worked my ass off for. Reminding myself of that always makes me happy, and it inspires me to do more.

I do my best to make sure that I'm utilizing my whole day purposefully, not just doing something to kill time. If I'm exhausted and/or feel like staying in, that's fine, as long as I tell myself that's what's on the schedule and use that time in the most fulfilling way. I ask myself what would be the best use of my time that would make me happy and fulfilled. Sometimes the answer is watching TV or having a nap. Other times I work on my guitar skills, or read a book, or get drunk and play video games, or do a shitload of pushups. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I wasted any time because I did exactly what I wanted to do.

Then, since I feel like I used my downtime in a fulfilling way, I feel proud of myself, and thereby gain more confidence, which enables an introvert like myself to tolerate people. I think you can see where this is going from here... it's a nice cycle.

Speaking of cycles--I often like to go on long solo rides on my motorcycle too. If you have even the slightest interest, I recommend getting a bike. Nothin' gets the mojo flowin' better than a good ride.

AlexanderThuhGr8 · 2013-04-22T02:50:53+00:00

I've been here so many times man. On the weekends, I'll invite some friends to go out with me but if no one's game, I've started to just go out on my own. There's nothing stopping you from being social but yourself.

I don't know how old you are but I've started to get active and join student groups at my local university. If you're unhappy being home and alone, be a problem solver, get involved. Maybe soon you'll have more things to do than time to do them.

Ben_KickassAcademy · 2013-04-22T04:07:45+00:00

Good post, this is actually a pretty deep question. Without knowing more about your story, it's hard to know for sure, but based on other guys I've seen it's probably one of these two things (or a combo): a lack of being okay with yourself and a desire for assurance that you are loved / have connections with people.

Your language choice hints at the first one, because you think that you are "a loser for staying home". I stayed in last night, on a Saturday of all things. At no point did that make me start to negatively view myself. Rockstars stay in to write music, star athletes stay in before games, etc. It doesn't automatically make you a loser to stay in. "Loser" is an amorphous term. If you were to think in more specific detail about what you were really thinking/feeling when you say you felt like a loser, could you describe to me what you were feeling about yourself?

As for the desire to be loved, that never goes away. You can't "detach yourself from needing other people in your life" and even if you could, you shouldn't want to. Change to a new goal: recognizing that even when you are home by yourself, you are okay, because you have great people in your life or because you are going to go out the next day to work on yourself and adding more great people in your life. You need other people in your life, that doesn't mean it's a personal failing if you find yourself without other people temporarily.

tl;dr work on how you think about yourself and the language you use to describe yourself.

WalkingTalker · 2013-04-22T05:28:09+00:00

Remember to love yourself. The people you "need" are just like you. They are just as valuable as you. If you value yourself, then you are all you need.

_Molon_Labe_ · 2013-04-22T08:57:05+00:00

Self introspection.

If you are comfortable with yourself, you realize you don't need anyone to feel good. You aren't going out to get people because you are afraid to be alone... you are surrounded by people because you have so damn much to give that they WANT to be around you and they are ATTRACTED to your presence. This doesn't just mean sexually, but platonically, as a friend, as a business partner, as a networker.

As another poster said, read books. Mediations, by Marcus Aurelius. Enchirideon, by Epictetus. Anything by Robert Greene. No More MR Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover [I cannot stress this one enough -- you need to read it especially since you talk about insecurities and wanting to not be alone.] The Way of the Superior Man by David Dieda. Keep reading, keep learning, keep growing.

When you are absorbed in your own self development, your own structure, your own direction, YOUR OWN GROWTH, you realize you do not NEED anyone. The only thing you NEED is to cultivate your own disciplines, to be your own man, to find out who that man is and to be an exemplar of what he is.

jmikolash · 2013-04-22T08:00:07+00:00

Step one: Learn about self compassion. When you lack it, you sit around making abusive condemnations about yourself. It is something that is grown, like a muscle. Once you realize you are lacking this, you clear the slate of self-loathing, and are able to grow your capacity for compassion until you are full and satisfied. You'll then be able to share this gift with others.

You have flaws, I see them, and I don't care. Your greatest flaw is not that you are home alone at night, it is not being able to forgive yourself for something so minor. You are searching for hope and comfort in others, but until you become a source of that for yourself, your growth will be eradicated every time you are alone.

Lucky261 · 2013-04-22T13:33:46+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Forristicat · 2013-04-22T04:14:17+00:00

Interest groups.

2013-04-22T07:03:18+00:00

Take up reading as a hobby. The book Heart of Darkness really breaks it all down, on being a man and stuff.

DerpBurglar · 2013-04-22T13:32:55+00:00

When I know I'm going to be home alone for the night, I get really upset. I think about what other people are doing. I think deep down I should be going out, and I'm a loser for staying home.

Can't really offer much advice, but just to say I know that feel. I feel the same way quite often, although for me it's aimed more at wondering what my ex is up to.

Find some new hobbies, join social groups, and just clear your head is the only way I guess. Still trying to work on those things myself though!

theawesomer1 · 2013-04-22T14:08:46+00:00

Find a hobby, brotha. Whether its gaming, reading, some kind of craft, or even catching up on a show or movie. Doing something on your own is not a bad thing. I find it very relaxing and it will make you a more interesting person if you find something that most people don't do. Have fun with it. Dont be ashamed of staying in every once in a while

psycho-logical · 2013-04-22T08:42:16+00:00

Abundance of girls. Losing a girl you like doesn't mean you have nothing it means you have something different.

koochkooch · 2013-04-22T12:06:51+00:00

Your problem is social comparison. Focus on your own experience and you will reduce the insecurity.

urmyheartBeatStopR · 2013-04-22T10:05:10+00:00

gym, coding, guitar, etc..

anything self improvement you can do at home might help. You can play video games but I don't play video games anymoe and rarely watch tv now.

You can try to learn a foreign language? Magic tricks? Learn to be a bartender? The internet have tons of tutorial of learning stuff. And if you have a rough idea what skills you want to posess (aka the person you want to be) you can try to work on those skills.

iateyourdinner · 2013-04-22T11:26:34+00:00

Self-knowledge and the pondering of how to connect what you know about yourself with reliance.

Mailman7 · 2013-04-22T17:01:14+00:00

It's tough. Since getting into the game I've realised that I am really really jealous/insecure with any girl that I am interested in. I suppose it stems from lack of abundance. I hope that recognising it is a good step, and I'm trying to catch myself doing it, before I let it develop. It's tough and painful though - more than I expected it to be.

I've just bought How to win friends... Is it any good?

61secondsandmore · 2013-04-22T17:59:08+00:00

Goodluck bud!

reaperthesky · 2013-04-22T23:18:31+00:00

Personally, my life is so busy if I have a night alone it's golden, I welcome it. It's not lonesome, it's solitude. I can relax and watch a show/movie or play a game from steam I've had for far too long. I cook for myself something nice and ultimately entertain myself (which, admittedly, not everyone can do).

Also, I have a lot of mates that game online so I can join them in that should the need for people arise.

rockstaa · 2013-04-23T17:37:33+00:00

I'll take that one step further and say everything should be in the context of being more social. Why just learn a language from a computer? Look up a French Pop Dance Night, take a walk through Chinatown and jump into random stores, eat Ethiopian food. A lot of full-time English learning schools (google it) have activity nights and the students would love a native speaker to practice with. Local colleges have clubs for just about every ethnic groups.

Go out, mingle, expand your mind, meet people who will teach you the language and show you where to eat.

nittutt · 2013-04-25T06:53:27+00:00

Meditation.

ThaDonKilluminati · 2013-04-22T11:01:08+00:00

Read models by mark manson

Senorcuervo · 2013-04-22T03:48:29+00:00

Marijuana

Jrix · 2013-04-23T01:31:51+00:00

What you describe is so utterly alien to me I cannot even fathom approaching some sort of empathy.

YesIRealize · 2013-04-23T04:20:17+00:00

Play video games.

Swagpacolypse2k12 · 2013-04-22T05:23:59+00:00

Learn how to play the guitar. I'm an average looking dude with above-average social skills, but I don't even need to speak to gals when I'm ripping a grimy riff to notice them admiring.

drwl · 2013-04-22T03:35:54+00:00

do whatever it takes to understand abundance

2013-04-22T14:30:32+00:00

Title	How do you remove neediness from your life?
Author	Lucky261
Upvotes	132
Comments	66
Date	April 22, 2013 1:43 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1cu4f7/how_do_you_remove_neediness_from_your_life/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-remove-neediness-from-your-life.1351121 https://theredarchive.com/post/1351121

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