Hard to meet women because of depression, lack of intimacy contributes to depression.. how to break cycle?

Aeon199 · 2016-09-23T01:48:50+00:00

Speaking as a 29 year old hermit with no friends and no social skills I'll say this, act now.

Everyone is shit at life. All of us. But each time we go out there and put ourselves on show we are learning and adapting and getting better.

I pushed everyone away and I'm left with nothing. I'm happy with what I have got however. Do NOT push people away. Sometimes it's hard to face but the reality is sometimes you don't matter. People around you need you to be somewhere or doing something go do it, right there is a golden opportunity to go and meet new people. Don't go out with the mindset of "I'm getting a girl tonight" just go out. If you meet someone great if you don't then wasn't this all good experience to take to your next day out? A story can tell the next girl you meet? It all adds up. But if you leave it too late then you'll be saying hello to my reality and right now you could hear a pin drop in my flat. You don't want that. Trust me. You can do it.

I feel like if I had done more for people, had been there when I was needed not just when I wanted my life would be filled with happyness. My best friend (we are distant now because of my stupidity) met his wife through me, now if that doesn't prove the point I don't know what will.

Fall_Means_Flannel · 2016-09-23T04:46:19+00:00

I hope someone can help with this since I'm practically in the same situation. 21 year old student in college with diagnosed anxiety and depression, and have yet to have a fulfilling relationship or sex.

I personally don't think I'm ugly. I work out, I'm tall, have hobbies, and will graduate with an engineering degree soon so it's not like I'm a deadbeat.

I have a good friend circle and I love each one of them, and a lot of times it feels like I have almost everything I want in life besides a fulfilling relationship, but at the same time, it's like I know that I'm prone to shit mental states and it's not something I want to put someone else through, but then it's a vicious cycle because for some reason I think meeting a girl will solve my problems, but my problems aren't something I want to put on someone else.

I feel like people like being around me because I'm sociable, funny, and have an uncanny ability to bring people together, but really it always seems like it's a facade I use to hide my depression through laughter, and at the end of the day I'm the one left alone. I'm almost positive all my friends and acquaintances think I'm an extremely happy and a genuinely nice guy, but beneath it all I'm really just kind of sad and depressed about my situation.

I've talked to therapists and counselors before and I keep describing it like a missing puzzle piece. I almost have it all finished, but it's that stupid last piece that's missing that's ruining everything, but I usually stop going to counseling because I feel like they're too busy trying to make sure I'm not going to do something rash while at Uni to actually help me with my problems.

The worst part is that I know being in a relationship isn't going to solve my problems and I know that I need to deal with these deep seated issues before anything else, and I know I have this clingy, toxic, idealistic idea of what a meaningful relationship will do for me, but sometimes it's just really hard to fight that feeling, or at least the thought of having a significant other who really cares about you (I know, it's a super mushy, clingy, disgusting, super needy, and pretty much against everything Seddit is about).

I know that a lot of times, the answer to most everything on Seddit is to just nut up, escalate, then have sex, but I feel like that's not what I exactly want right now (or maybe it's the answer, I don't know) so I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree on this subreddit or not. I've tried almost everything to finally be completely happy besides taking prescription drugs because I don't think I need them, but I'm really banking maybe someone will be able to relate to our situation and somehow unload the magic answer we've been looking for.

Sorry for writing so much and not being able to help at all OP. Sometimes I just have to write out everything to help me feel better about my situation.

2016-09-23T02:47:54+00:00

Exercise and lift Find hobbies that you can help you developmentally Meditate Identify the root cause for every emotion, angst, and desire you feel Take the initiative

5 yrs from now you can look back on this moment and hate it for staying stagnant and not getting anywhere, or be ecstatic at the fact that you made a change in your life

Supatroopa_ · 2016-09-23T03:58:09+00:00

Breaking your mentality is super hard. It took my life going to shit for me to actually change my life (going to gym, getting out of the house, meeting women).

I've been in search of life information and these are the two things that really made me think about my mentality and changing my life.

Juliens talk on happiness

Dr Phil's "life ruler" (which I can't find) - Basically gets these parents to stand on this giant ruler at their age number, and look back at how much time had passed and how much more you have to life. Just quantifying that showed how much time I actually had in life and that if I change now I can be happy for the remaining period of my life.

TheXXL · 2016-09-23T05:31:38+00:00

I can't understand how so many people give you advice like "lift" or "read this book" and so on. You say you are obsessed with your own death, and you suffer from depression. You can try all these things and struggle for many more years and perhaps finally break down and do something stupid, or you can accept that you are suffering from a problem that will not easily be changed by positive thinking and fairy tales, and look for psychological treatment to get at least the depression out of the way. Then take care of yourself.

AtheistAgnostic · 2016-09-23T04:58:27+00:00

M8 if you've never had a fulfilling relationship than lack of intimacy is not contributing to your depression.

It's not all about women. Accept that and you'll start going places.

I was similar once, but you just have to accept that not everything will go your way. Do your best. Find things that interest you.

Besides, you'll graduate soon. Lots of opportunities to find something you like.

Radicalmattitude1 · 2016-09-23T14:14:41+00:00

You can only be good with women if you are good with yourself.

Depression is a tricky one man. It's like an invisible gravity that constantly drags you towards a pit of despair. If you give up and let it drag you in, there is pretty much no bottom to that pit. So it's imperative that you take action now and start walking the other way.

You need to do small things for yourself. Then once you build momentum, do more and bigger things for yourself.

By caring about your needs and your desires, you will trick your brain into thinking that you are valuable and worthy. It is not selfish to put yourself first! Your needs are important. Physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual needs should be your #1 priority.

You say at the end of your post " I hope I don't sound too needy..." . This illustrates my point: you are trying to apologize to Internet strangers for being needy!!Why? Think about that... You probably do this in all of your interactions with people.

Give yourself permission to be needy!!!! That's just where you are right now. It doesn't define you as a person, it's just where you currently are on this journey. Don't apologize for having problems and working on them . Girls don't care if you have problems, they care if you accept them or not. They care if you accept yourself or not. This actually goes for people in general, guys, girls, friends , lovers ect.

So start small and start putting yourself first. The love you give to yourself will directly affect all of your relationships.

HollowRain · 2016-09-23T05:33:13+00:00

It seems like at this stage you are extremely bogged down in your anxiety, and will probably not make any bold moves like going out to a bar and talking to girls, even if everyone told you to. So I'd just take some baby steps. Maybe make an OKCupid profile and just talk to girls. You don't even have to end up meeting them, just talk to them, and see what happens. Maybe you'll want to get together. At the very least, it'll have you doing something to move forward. That's just my 2 cents.

nolimitnova · 2016-09-23T16:25:30+00:00

I went through years of depression without any breaks in my early 20's. I was in two 2 year relationships one after another and relied heavily on my girlfriend for my own happiness. When I got dumped the 2nd time I lost it all, pets, family, my best friend, and nearly my sanity. Every day was a fresh hell and every night was a torturous dreamscape. I wanted to die. Or at least I didn't want to hurt any more. I felt powerless. The root cause was that I couldn't see a better tomorrow. And I regretted not appreciating to the fullest all of the good things I once had but never earned. But (often times, nothing said before the word 'but' is of consequence) I had dreams. Powerful dreams that barely survived those years where I lived entirely for another person. When I finally left the tiny prison I made for myself it was hard. But, nothing worth doing in life was ever easy right? So as long as I spend each day working towards my dreams I feel like I can not just survive, I can thrive. Remember that the hardest part of any change you make will be the first step. After that, just keep trying. It's all anyone can do. And I hope you can picture what it's like to lose everything in your life. If you had nothing, you would rejoice at a friend reaching out to you, or family giving any sign they care, having a conversation with a pretty girl or a deep connection with just one other person. Really think about what you are spending your time on and then spend it on what actually matters to you. Do I want to watch reruns of a netflix show or do I want to get one day better at playing guitar? Should I look in the mirror discontentedly and go play video games to distract myself? I know that time is short and one year from now if I had had a consistent gym routine I would look and feel great. Don't carry the burden all on your own either. A hugely positive influence for me was joining a jui jutsu gym and making friends who are working towards the same goal. The future is as bright or dark as you make it. And you only get to be young so long. Make the best of it or live with regret. But I hope you make the best of it. Good luck brother and feel free to dm me if you want to talk more

recyclablebanthas · 2016-09-23T05:59:27+00:00

Like I said before I cut myself off socially when I am feeling low. I recently quit my fraternity.....

There are other, arguably better social groups out there.

Couchsurfer meets. Basically a group of open minded cool people who would be open to having travelers staying at their place. You're not required to be able to host though. At all. The group always features people coming in and out because they're just passing through and there are some cool AF people.
Hash running. Like a combination of hide and seek plus running / walking / socializing. And beer at the end.
Social partner dancing. Salsa. Lindy hop. West coast swing. Argentine tango. Etc. There tend to attract some cool people who generally all keep in shape. Helps practice core skills that help game, too. Can't dance? Doesn't matter: no one can before they take a class. So if it's at all interesting, nut up and take some classes because they're usually short on men.

doppleganter · 2016-09-23T07:32:34+00:00

I congratulate you because you know your problem and you are willing to solve it. It seems you are striving for it. I, being a brother in this community, want to help you: 1.- You are already investing in yourself, you would improve if you get a life meaning. From help everyone out there to deliver the most value you may. It is up to you. 2.- Would be counter-intuitive, but talk about your problem with a woman. Say you have that problem and you are striving to solve it and it is difficult to you because you lack of self-steem, but you want to be better. Be genuinely -open up your heart/ be sincere/ talk within your point of view (POV)-, you would empathize with her and she would tell you her opinion and engage in the conversation. If not, no big deal, you talked with a woman, anyways. About the fear of rejection, well; I like to think as the stoics did: I donnot matters because you cannot control it. Control your mind and control your responses. Do it in a daily basis and you will rule the world (your part, at least).

pentakiller19 · 2016-09-23T10:42:46+00:00

Wow, this hit incredibly close to home. Same age, problem, and mentality. I don't know what to do at this point, either. Nothing seems to help. And to make matters worse, every female I approach shoots me down ... so it's like, why bother? I don't know ... everything feels so stagnant. At the rate I'm going, I'll probably end up alone forever. Is that so bad?

Reddthrown · 2016-09-23T11:02:06+00:00

I was like that as a teenager. The main problem is I was putting girls on a pedestal. In reality, they are as bad as men, if not worse.

I solved it by forcing myself to take one step at a time. First, talk to girls. Second, hang out with girls. Third, go on dates. Fourth, kiss. Five, take it as far as you want.

Phishstixxx · 2016-09-23T12:54:57+00:00

Stop overanalysing, sort your looks out, get on Tinder, go nuts

2016-09-23T05:47:46+00:00

Basically do other stuff that you can be happy doing but doesn't depend on intimacy:

exercise, traveling to new places, joining some clubs to do with something, going to see bands (even alone)

sexualsidefx · 2016-09-23T11:53:24+00:00

Consider medication. You have everything you need, you might just need a lift off.

ozzagahwihung · 2016-09-23T12:55:31+00:00

Go and talk to women.

coolguy1793B · 2016-09-23T13:17:48+00:00

Get a dog you'd be surprised how big of a mood lifter they can be - plus it will force you to go outside with it and interact with people. Maybe join a sports league, ideally coed... This will also force interaction in a non sexual way.

Remember girls like having fun... If you're a fun guy - they'll naturally want to hang out.

popcorned · 2016-09-23T14:25:33+00:00

Being with yourself is an active practice and only you can help yourself in this. I'm 27 now, and I only really started changing my outlook at 25, and it was almost by accident. I went to a 10 day festival where I knew nobody because my curiosity took me there, and I was afraid I would be alone the entire time. Instead I tried to emulate what I thought a happy person would do, smiled, said hi to everyone and focused on others rather than myself. Nobody knew me so I had nothing to lose by being a bit more outgoing and different than my old self. Sure enough people were drawn to me, and I didn't really get it back then how to handle it; all that attention was so unusual. I only started understanding how to be charismatic and accept that part of myself within the last year and my life has opened up so many paths.

Start by building a better, more interesting life for yourself. Take interest in other people, stop being so withdrawn that you can't even ask another person what their day is like. Start small and it will grow. Accept your place in life, don't compare yourself to others, and just be grateful for where you are so far.

2016-09-23T14:34:29+00:00

Drugs

2016-09-23T15:07:51+00:00

Among many other good pieces of advice, I'll simply say not to focus on getting a relationship first. It's possible, but much less likely and much less fulfilling.

You have to conquer level one first, which is to get a good group of friends. Now I know this may sound a bit demoralizing. "Ugh, two levels? I have to do more than I thought."

But this is actually advantageous to you-- it splits your challenge into two smaller, easier chunks, just like they always tell you to do.

So first get a good group of friends. This group would preferably be guys and girls, but even if it isn't it provides support and vouchers that you're a cool dude once you do meet a girl.

Through that group of friends you will meet other people, including women.

Others have suggested different ways of meeting people. My favorite was volunteer work. I think that's a good idea for you not just because of what that user said, but also because people show up to those events expecting not to know anyone, and there are always newbies there, so you won't be the awkward new guy, you'll be one of many new people.

After a couple meet ups, invite your new volunteering friends to do something after the activity. "Hey, I was really craving some pizza. Anyone else wanna get some after this?"

"Hey, have y'all seen that movie Magnificent 7?"

You can also try bars, but...

1) Stay away until you have at least one guy friend to go with.

2) Go into a bar expecting absolutely nothing. You can go, and it can be fun, but the likelihood of picking up a girl and scoring on any given night is super low. Think of it as the training area at the beginning of some video games. You can walk around and explore a bit, get some practice, but you're not gonna get any points or beat the game there.

I suppose I had more to say than I thought. Best of luck, and feel free to PM me. I mean that.

Swordsmanus · 2016-09-23T15:27:25+00:00

In the short term, look into your school's counseling services and make use of them.

Once you graduate and have a decent job, find a therapist via PsychologyToday's therapist finder. Look for a PsyD specializing in what ails you. The quality is going to be much better than other degrees/certifications.

Also when you have the time, maybe once the semester's over, go through this workbook. It's probably the next best thing to getting therapy from a PsyD.

Mentioned_Videos · 2016-09-23T16:54:35+00:00

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VIDEO	COMMENT
“The Happiness Manifesto” By Julien Blanc (How To Let Go & How To Be Happy All The Time)	6 - Breaking your mentality is super hard. It took my life going to shit for me to actually change my life (going to gym, getting out of the house, meeting women). I've been in search of life information and these are the two things that really made me...
Why Using Money Or Prostitutes To Get Girls Creates A Cycle Of Diminished Swagger And Self Respect!	1 - As a guy that's been down the backpage road I'm going to tell you DON'T DO IT. It's awful and an EXTREMELY difficult cycle to get yourself out of. It's dangerous to your mental health and risky for your physical (STIs) Tyler from RSD is a bit more...
【MV full】 RIVER / AKB48 [公式]	0 - Hey man, I feel ya. Went through the exact same thoughts myself. I just listen to this whenever I need to get motivated and it really helped me. (turn on cc for subs) It rings so true and motivates me so much that I actually cry every time I watch...

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Souwester1996 · 2016-09-24T01:09:52+00:00

Dude you literally described how I feel aswell. I can't believe that your situation is so similiar to mine

BaconMeTimbers · 2016-09-24T09:18:11+00:00

Simple Solution: Do something scary.

Example: Say hi to the hottest girl in a bar.

Bravery is the one thing that can't be "faked" because even if mentally you're not confident, the action is all that matters to be considered brave. And afterwards, you'll feel pretty good about yourself. The scarier it was, the better you'll feel after you do it.

And if you happen to continue to do scary things, you'll gain confidence. And with confidence, you could develop self love. And by this point you can open up to people more without trying to fake anything.

But is all starts with doing something scary.

curunir · 2016-09-23T07:17:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Nigelthornfruit · 2016-09-23T08:15:58+00:00

Get medicated on a good SSRI, or Tricyclic such as Wellbutrin - and use Theanine for anxiety - then just make the approaches.

Title	Hard to meet women because of depression, lack of intimacy contributes to depression.. how to break cycle?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	116
Comments	55
Date	September 23, 2016 1:15 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/542brh/hard_to_meet_women_because_of_depression_lack_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/hard-to-meet-women-because-of-depression-lack-of.1412847 https://theredarchive.com/post/1412847

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