How has the “what are we” talk gone for you in the past? Has it been a success most of the time?

FancyRedditAccount · 2019-04-15T04:41:27+00:00

What does "boyfriend" mean to you?

Does it mean "goes on romantic dates with me a couple times a week?" Does it mean "training to be a husband"? Does it mean "moving in together"?

Beyond the label, how would his behaviour have to change for him to be your boyfriend?

Edit: It could also be that you're fine with the relationship as it is and you just want it to be "Facebook official." That's fine, as long as you know what you want.

kalinkessler · 2019-04-15T09:16:50+00:00

Men understand things on a logical level. So as long as you speak to him in a clear and logical way to get your message across, it will be easy to communicate with him.

henry-bacon · 2019-04-15T04:27:41+00:00

I think what you've suggested is perfect, straight to the point with no nonsense.

f9RfsR · 2019-04-15T08:49:56+00:00

heck. it's absolutely ok to ask. you don't know his intentions. you know what you want. either he's in or not. of course you should talk about the boundaries of your relationship.

omigahguy · 2019-04-15T12:20:13+00:00

I can’t do this casually anymore and that I want him to be my boyfriend. If he isn’t able to give me this, then I’ll have to walk away. Does this sound ok?

definitely.....rip the band aid off...there are ends to every relationship

LarsP · 2019-04-15T06:35:54+00:00

"Has it been a success?"

Now that depends on what you mean by "success"!

If "success" here is "finding out what the other person really thinks", your plan seems good. Of course, what he really thinks might not be what you want him to think, but those are the stakes of finding things out...

failatsomething · 2019-04-15T15:25:42+00:00

I (dude) had this conversation recently. Chick I was seeing once a month asked me after sex, "What are we doing?"

I said, "This is it. There is nothing else, and there won't be." I've since told her we can't have sex because she was let on with only seeing me once a month, which I found strange. So I ended it.

So, the conversation created boundaries, which is a good thing. It's not what she wanted, but either way it's good that the conversation put us both on the same page. I didn't realize her emotional investment, and she didn't know if I wanted more.

The dude may not feel the same way you do, but the conversation will tell him how you feel.

My only caution, besides him not feeling the same way, is if he wavers or gives an unsure answer. "Maybe some day" "Not sure what I want" these are weak (and common) answers from men. This man is saying that he doesn't want to commit and be monogamous. It's hard to say no, so many men don't.

Do not see that as an open door ("he did say maybe"). It's a rejection. If he's a good man, he will say "we are not going to be monogamous" even if he may want you to be his girlfriend or wife in the future.

Because of this, "the talk" is always a success. It may not end with the two of you getting what you want, but it always ends with the two of you knowing where you stand with each other. You will learn if this man wants to invest in a relationship, or if you should look elsewhere.

bittr_n_swt · 2019-04-15T05:44:22+00:00

Sounds good. I think the woman should always ask the “what are we” question first and has worked well in past

Dangerfox_1 · 2019-04-15T14:52:31+00:00

Just be open with him and tell him you want to take the relationship to the next level and be exclusive. If he's never been in a serious relationship he might be wondering how to take things further with you assuming things are going smoothly. He might be afraid to take things further cause if he has read any dating/seduction material this is the fastest way to make a girl scatter, especially if the relationship is new. Just tell him how you feel about him, any relationship that's gonna last is going to be built on open communication.

JetBalck · 2019-04-15T07:04:27+00:00

I just had one last week and she told me she doesn't have any feelings, I think I rushed it and I also was a bit awward the days before but I definetely didn't have to do that talk so early.

But for me it was just seeing each other for a week and half. Sounds like your situation is a lot safer.

DeadOfKnight · 2019-04-15T15:30:09+00:00

I'm a guy, and I've gone through phases of serious dating and keeping it casual. In either case, "What are we?" has always been an awkward conversation. It's better to just ask for what you want. Just ask if he will be your boyfriend. If he's obviously into you, he's not going to say "no".

He will either say "Yes" or he'll try to avoid giving you a straight answer. Hopefully you know he won't do the latter. Otherwise, this can be a delicate situation because he might be afraid to commit to you. This could be for a number of reasons, but it's possible he just doesn't want to.

An even better question is to ask what he wants from a relationship, and if he thinks he wants to have those things with you. Before you do this, you also have to ask yourself those things. How do you feel about the possibility of him not being on the same page? How will you handle it if he isn't?

I know all these things can make you feel nervous and scared to ruin a good thing, but if you want to have a healthy relationship with him, you have to be able to communicate these things with him. At the end of the day, if you get punished for it, you are probably saving yourself a lot of heartache later on.

The bottom line is there are plenty of fish in the sea. Even though you want to be patient and let things happen naturally, you have to protect yourself from being led on. Trust your intuition, do what you feel is right, and have confidence that you can do better if things don't work out.

roamtheplanet · 2019-04-15T04:51:20+00:00

I would leave out the part about you not being able to do it casually unless it gets to that point. Keep it light and positive. Ask him what are we? Am I your girlfriend? If he’s ready he’ll be flattered and say yes, if not you can discuss further

isisishtar · 2019-04-15T14:42:45+00:00

In my experience, this 'talk' is not a friendly exchange of views, it's really an attempt at coercion. One person wants to push another person to a position they have not arrived at on their own.

It's often got an ultimatum buried inside it: think the way I do, or else.

When I'm offered an ultimatum of that kind, for me, the relationship is over from that point, and I'm planning my exit.

Shadow__Account · 2019-04-15T08:19:06+00:00

How long have you been casually dating? Don't rush something like that, it can feel suffocating if he hasn't got to the same level of feelings as you have yet. Notice the yet, it doesn't mean he won't. But no one catches feelings at the exact same rate as their partner and when someone that you might not love, but at that point just like ( a lot) starts the commitment talk, it can make it into an all or nothing choice.

zincSF · 2019-04-15T13:56:26+00:00

Just be sure you are clear in your mind exactly what "be my boyfriend" means to you, and lay it out in detail to him. Otherwise, he'll that means one thing, and you another. Not good.

2019-04-15T15:32:54+00:00

Tell him you love him and why

MrWermhatsHat · 2019-04-15T16:15:56+00:00

The best what are we conversation I was on the receiving end of was she casually said "her friend at work asked how her bf was" meaning me I really appreciated the casualness on it

alaver · 2019-04-15T12:05:28+00:00

I see it like learning a language. Its a slow process... I couldnt tell you the exact date I learned english. One day i suddenly knew i was an english speaker but still to this day i say im still learning.

You guys will "become" boyfriend and girlfriend eventually if you have the chemistry, independently of wether you agree to ot or not.

In the words of the Talking Heads... "The less we say about it the better, make it up as we go along".

WeakEmu8 · 2019-04-15T05:30:14+00:00

If you have to ask...

Really, do you want a boyfriend you have to goad into being your boyfriend, or do you want a boyfriend who's mature and knows what he wants and has the confidence to get it?

TopClothes · 2019-04-15T14:48:24+00:00

/r/relationships

popcornplayaa28 · 2019-04-15T17:20:04+00:00

"WE ARE FARMERS, DUHN DUHN-DUHN DUHN DUHN-DUHN-DUHN"

Title	How has the “what are we” talk gone for you in the past? Has it been a success most of the time?
Author	22hellosunshine
Upvotes	117
Comments	47
Date	April 15, 2019 4:23 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/bdbwyh/how_has_the_what_are_we_talk_gone_for_you_in_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-has-the-what-are-we-talk-gone-for-you-in-the.1466506 https://theredarchive.com/post/1466506

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