How to pay for a lawyer and separate financially?

whiskey_piker · 2024-05-13T20:49:36+00:00

Obviously the marriage wasn’t great from her end. Likely you just didn’t hear the issues she had. She processed grief for the marriage and has moved on. So that’s your only choice here.

Divorce costs money. Consider that a judge will see every transaction you make so don’t blow your case by doing something stupid. Credit cards and loans are joint property. If you don’t have $5K cash, yes, you will need to do whatever you can to pay up.

We all want a collaborative divorce because they are so cost effective. But then emotions get in the way. Get your head in the new game. Things are going to come at you fast.

producechick · 2024-05-13T19:40:36+00:00

My ex removed his direct deposit from the joint to another account it helped when he went for his divorce. Get it out now, dont procrastinate or itll disappear. She will have people telling her what she should do to get everything, which means get a lawyer yesterday.

When she gets the divorce papers, she will either be extremely pissed or too into her affair fog. If it's the latter, it might go a bit smoothly. If she starts with, I'll get a lawyer to bleed you dry, tell her the more you give the lawyer the less you will get from the house and other money that's left.

Do not move out. She can. In the custody papers, make sure you put in first right of refusal. She has to ask you to watch the kids before family or a babysitter. Good luck Updateme

DistributionSpirited · 2024-05-13T19:37:04+00:00

My divorce took 30 months and 35,000. 27000 to my lawyer and 8,000 to my wife but I won custody of my sons so worth every penny!

Chaotic_Good5450 · 2024-05-13T18:36:36+00:00

My divorce took longer and cost more than I'd ever imagine.

Check your state. In California, community property ends at date of separation. Technically, anything she spends at that point is her debt. But that's messy in terms of paperwork. It's much cleaner to close all accounts and open individual ones.

Build a lot of plans within plans. Try to get as many parachutes as possible. You may not use half of them. But it's better to know what's available ahead of time. Start figuring out if you have relatives or friends who might help you out.

I used a card for the retainer. I expected it to last a couple of months. It lasted a week. Each month was another $2k which I also put on cards. Total was $30k paid directly to my lawyer. Much more money was lost with other legal services, realty fees, and just friction.

Court orders locked money. I couldn't sell stock or RSUs. I couldn't take loans against deferred comp plans. She cheated. She DID take a loan against a DC plan. It gave her deep pockets. I only found out near the end of the divorce as we began splitting assets. "Oh, by the way, her 401k is compromised." "Um, WHAT??" Nothing ever came of it.

I put all divorce things on cards until my credit score went from 820 -> 630. Then I got a signature loan to pay off the cards. Then I filled the cards again. I never missed a payment. So the credit score dip was entirely calculated on an increase in rolling balances. Citi was a shitfest. They reduced my credit from 10000 to 500 right as I dipped below 700. And that made things ... really bad. Citi alone trashed my score by about 100 points as my percentage of used credit sky rocketed.

It was close. I had just a few months worth of money left before I started defaulting on stuff. We settled just as my money was exhausted. She didn't know this luckily.

Sold home. Paid everything off.

I was ready to beg money from my dad but didn't have to thankfully.

lone_rutabaga · 2024-05-13T16:59:40+00:00

You can pursue a collaborative divorce while also protecting yourself financially. I would close any credit cards or things where she can spend on things without being held in check. I would move my direct deposit into a bank account she does not have access to and think about how to move forward with the current bills. Are you handling it from your new account, still putting some in the old one? Who handles the finances currently? How do you handle this intermediary time? This would be different from person to person.

I would try to choose a date/time to get this done at the same time and as quickly as possible, then try to talk to her about it before she figures it out. You don't want her to be caught off guard outside of a conversation you can control. Tell her you've read horror stories of people taking off with the money once divorce is imminent and that you just want to protect yourself. Offer to share bank statements (while working on moving forward, not indefinitely) just to try and make it clear you aren't trying to screw her. You might also consider changing beneficiaries on insurance policies, and locking your credit.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-05-13T16:01:09+00:00

what else should I be doing to get started financially? My wife spends a lot of money. We have joint everything, but I thought all debts and income and everything were marital assets anyway. Is there any way to start legally separating from her financially NOW?

New bank account with all your funds going there. Dont be like me. My spouse opened a new account for them and put all but 1/2 our mortgage in to our joint. I kept using the joint. They bleed me dry over six months. My attorney said it was all one big pot and didnt matter but things took so long it became complicated as to what money was for what and im eating 20k down the tubes in addition to what im paying a lawyer. All that time I was coving 100% of the costs of our jointly owned home, solo, along with them using the money they put in the account and a good hunk of mine for their 'use'. What appeared to be normal expenses (utilities, grocery, gas, RENT).

By the time I filed (they wanted the div) I was basically told spending before filing was just joint use of funds and I couldn't recoup anything - they basically got six months of equity out of our home for free, almost all of their expenses covered (including their apartment rent), and turned the majority of their pay into cash so by the time we reached discovery (providing all our fiscal data) it couldn't be traced. Immediately after I filed I diverted all but half our mortgage payment into a new account and asked they increase what they were putting in joint to cover the other half of the house.

Other fiscal tie: who is on whos insurance? If shes on yours, and kids, you need to ask for her part of the premiums Immediately. My spouse got free insurance out of me and never paid her part of the kids costs (premiums/copays). That crap adds up.

I can't continue to live in this house and listen to her giggle with her boyfriend in the next room at night or essentially enable her affair by being with the kids while she has overnights with him.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Kids will remember which parent 'left'. If shes already screwing around on you SHE can move out.

Do not let her slow roll you. Beg and borrow, put the retainer on a credit card, whatever it takes. YOU file. Dont think like a husband right now, think like a post-divorced dad. Take control of this situation and I guarantee they will turn on you like a dime and become an ass once you take the power and control of this situation away from them.

Please do not do what I did and spend six months letting them run all over you mentally, emotionally, and fiscally.

ciscokid12345 · 2024-05-13T15:44:32+00:00

I took an emergency withdrawal of 50% of my 401k to pay for the $60,000 that two years of very difficult litigation.

Paid her the other 50% when we were done.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-05-13T15:17:27+00:00

Listen OP - If you have any shot whatsoever of getting more than 50/50 custody you need to get her to agree to that now while she’s still in the affair fog with Mr wonderful. Sell her on the idea of extra time with her new man, they can travel, live life etc.

She’s in fantasyland, take advantage and get to agree to stuff before she wakes up and turns vindictive. They can turn in a second so get that portion in writing asap.

Once she figures out the fantasy is BS, her new man doesn’t want to replace you in the family he just wants to get laid and oops now she has to pay 100% of her bills without you help it can turn very ugly very quickly.

You need to act and act decisively.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-05-13T14:37:36+00:00

The key is to expedite the process while she's still stupid in love with her boyfriend.

Keep offering terms that are super favorable to you and tell her basically that the quicker she signs those divorce terms, the quicker she can go and be with her "true love twin flame."

Hell, you might even be able to get majority custody.

"You don't need a bunch of kids getting in the way of your storybook romance! Let me take them off your hands so you can be free to make love wherever and whenever you want!".

It sucks I know, but now is the time to strike. Be merciless.

You're Superman. She's Lex Luthor.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2024-05-13T11:41:54+00:00

Open a separate bank account if you don't have one and move your direct deposit to that borrow or put retainer on credit card and file hurry while she's still giggling it'll be easier, you don't send any letters you file for divorce, your marriage is over, she'll be served and process will start. Don't talk to her anymore don talk to her family anymore only talk to your kids

Title	How to pay for a lawyer and separate financially?
Author	ClintEastwood83
Upvotes	11
Comments	20
Date	May 13, 2024 9:29 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cqv3qe/how_to_pay_for_a_lawyer_and_separate_financially/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-pay-for-a-lawyer-and-separate-financially.1518383 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518383

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