How could she have healed the hurt, or could she even do that?

probebeta · 2024-05-21T05:52:10+00:00

While it wasn't entirely her fault, she did sleep with another man. I could care less what she does once that happens. Once you learn you have better options, that heals faster than what she does honestly.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2024-05-20T01:04:32+00:00

Did Eve take accountability when eating the forbidden fruit? Women's brains are not wired for logic or accountability, they were made for beautiful chaos that makes life interesting. I would not rely on her to be any part of your healing. Not her job, nor does she care.

Abject-Statement-404 · 2024-05-19T12:33:56+00:00

I'm in a situation where I want her to fight for herself and her own mental well-being. My wife does a terrible job communicating what's wrong or what she needs help with. Her mental health took a nosedive after our second one was born. When she is thinking clearly she'll say she needs to go talk to a therapist, but will never make the appointment. Not too sure what else I can do at this point

kindofnotdepressed47 · 2024-05-19T03:56:04+00:00

Every story and every situation is different. Only you know how much baggage you carry and if you would trust the same person who hurt you. Its really tough. Its better to heal on your own .

Bu then miracles do happen at times and people do change. All the decisions has to come from a clear headed mind space. If happened to me, I would have taken space to sort out my baggage & understand the damage that has been caused on both sides. Then once I have taken everything into account then only I would have taken the decision.

AdForward5729 · 2024-05-19T00:07:25+00:00

Women take NO accountability! Trust me. Even now my ex wife always try’s to talk to me with how “she feels”. We have 2 toddlers so yes I have to talk to her. Even when we have indifferences about our kids she still pulls that emotion card.

If I did that I would plow her in the ground with what I feel, but I don’t do that. Women are different f*cking creatures. You have to understand that we men have to focus and stay of our journey no matter what happens in life. Good or bad you still have to pay the bill with moving forward. Let her fight? Sure, but what expense for you King? Losing yourself, submitted to her, the sex. Nah keeping pushing. “If you build it, THEY will come”

rhett342 · 2024-05-18T22:22:51+00:00

It wouldn't make a difference in the slightest. What's done has already been done. Do you think a broken glass will go back to be just being just fine if you apologize to it?

NoLawfulness8554 · 2024-05-18T18:07:04+00:00

Let her go. She’s tainted. Nothing she could “give” you would be genuine or have any lasting value.

Psydequest · 2024-05-18T18:00:11+00:00

If she took accountability we never would have divorced. I would have worked through anything. 24 years ago I was a drunk, homeless junkie with PTSD after the Army. I know you can come back from anything if you want it and work hard enough. When she met me I had a nice house with a big pool on the water, money in the bank, nice car, lots of toys and 10 years without so much as a sip of beer (now 17). Then she cheated and refused to admit it. It was early in our relationship and even though I believe she stopped it grew like a cancer between us. I all but witnessed the actual sex. She lied through the facts, in defense of herself. It was not possible for her to even consider accepting responsibility and helping anyone but herself. Eventually I couldn't touch her or go near her without feeling revulsion. How the fuck we had a kid.. I'm still not sure. Maybe she's not mine. I wouldn't put that past her at this point. She's a lawyer and she knows I can sue for treble damages if she knew it was possible I wasn't the dad and never said anything. I could take everything back from her, house, firm, savings.. BUT all I have left is my kid, or "the" kid. lol. Fuck me.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-05-18T17:24:46+00:00

My stbxw filed after 19 years of marriage (We're still going through the process of divorce). I wasn't perfect, but I thought I was a good husband ... as good of a husband as she'd let me be anyway. She is incredibly controlling. She is highly critical. It just often felt like it was her goal in life to be upset with me about something ... anything. Her go-to was to simply stonewall me. This could go on for months. Sometimes I didn't even know what she was upset about. Sometimes, what she was upset about didn't even have to do with me, but she'd still take it out on me. Prior to her filing for divorce, she hadn't kissed me, hugged me, held my hand, had sex with me or told me that she loved me for about 6 years. At one point she told me "I don't want you. I don't need you, and I have nothing to give you". Lastly, she was just generally constantly busy. She HAD to wake up at 4:30 AM each day to work out (which meant she HAD to go to bed at 8:30 PM each night). There was no such thing as spare time for her. The house could be spotless. All the laundry could be washed, folded and put away. All the bills paid. You name it. There would still be something she HAD to do. Make homemade Kombucha and sourdough bread. Go to book club. Volunteer at church. Everything was a priority to her except for us. I got to the point where I had zero expectations of her. We were roommates. Yet, when she filed and I asked her why, she said, "Because WE are just toxic together".

On the one hand, there is no logical reason that anyone would want to be married to a person like this.

It's difficult though because I don't understand why SHE is divorcing ME. I played by the rules. Always employed. Bills always paid. Extra money for whatever was wanted/needed (within reason). I was present with our children. I was home every evening. I didn't abuse her or the kids. I didn't cheat on her.

Honestly, it would be easier for me to accept if I had cheated on her, had a gambling addiction, or was just a bad person. I'd at least understand.

So, to answer your question, after years and years of what I would say was downright emotional abuse, and years and years of me telling her how neglected and unloved I felt, I simply don't believe she is capable of change. From what I can tell, it doesn't seem like she thinks there is anything she needs to change. I don't think there is anything she could do for me to trust her again. Especially now that she made the ultimate decision of filing for divorce.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-05-18T14:45:32+00:00

Assuming you are the woman. Women rarely take accountability. Even if they do it's far too fn late.

Thevinegru2 · 2024-05-18T14:42:56+00:00

thegettogether · 2024-05-18T14:42:31+00:00

For context, I ask this as the wife to a walkaway husband. I was the breadwinner, working a very stressful job with long hours to provide for a better future. He was either unemployed or underemployed for the last several years. Along the way, life happened and I admit I was very stressed and inattentive to his need for attention and affection. We'd have the occasional date night here and there but I know I was a walking zombie for some time. There was no cheating or abuse, and I never ever gave him any shit for not working.

Anyway, I could tell he seemed unhappy and one day he just packed up and left. Later on he mentioned that he felt neglected and unloved ever since I'd taken on my stressful job, but that he'd never communicated how he felt because he could see my plate was already so full. I wish he had, because I know I would have made some drastic changes had I known how he was hurting. But I think his take is totally fair and valid, but also this job provided a lifestyle upgrade, gifts, and security for both of us this entire time. Still, I understand that I wasn't fun and my stress had been draining and I get that he was tired of emotionally supporting me while not feeling that support in return. He went no contact with me after moving out, and then filed.

I acknowledge my faults, but I don't see this as worth destroying a 15 year long relationship over. I apologized, enforced boundaries with work, offered counseling, sent flowers and gifts and letters. He says while he loves me, the hurt is impossible to recover from.

I suppose I must live with my choices and regret now. But I relate a lot to this community and find comfort in reading the posts on here.

Title	How could she have healed the hurt, or could she even do that?
Author	thegettogether
Upvotes	6
Comments	30
Date	May 18, 2024 2:26 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cuyhx1/how_could_she_have_healed_the_hurt_or_could_she/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-could-she-have-healed-the-hurt-or-could-she.1518835 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518835

Comments