Should I gamble to stay in the marriage

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-07-04T13:48:55+00:00

After I missed my opportunity to divorce at about 9.5y, I stayed in, miserably, for 10 more years. I was stuck in the “cheaper to keep her” mentality. Meanwhile, I turned to alcohol to numb my pain, and became a daily drinker, drinking about 2.5 handles per week.

People say “life is short,” but life is the longest thing you’ll ever do. You need to ask yourself, “is this how I want to live my life for the next 20-30 years?” For me, the answer was “no,” and I’ve been divorced nearly 6 years now. I was instantly happier - and so were my kids - without the daily tension, if not infighting, we all lived during my marriage.

There’s an old joke: do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it.

Good luck.

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-04T11:08:12+00:00

If a person doesn't have a decent salary in 10 years of marriage, worse yet 20, she never will. I think you are confusing yourself unnecessarily here, she will remain who she is - it means, her earning potential is 1/5 of yours.

If you know the divorce is inevitable (and you have an extremely good indicator of her recording a conversation), file when it benefits you the most. I don't know your local law, but if now is better than in 20 days, you have to do it.

Don't postpone until the last moment too, accidents happen.

By the way, there is practically nothing you lose in terms of money you spend on her. You spend half of your income anyway, right? She is living off of your wallet as a wife, not much difference from her being an ex-wife.

Positive-Neck-1997 · 2024-07-04T07:07:10+00:00

A friend of mine was close to the 20 year mark and filled a day before his 20th anniversary in NJ. He served his wife a few weeks later, but he will not pay lifetime alimony. You literally have 19 days to decide if you want to be with this woman for the rest of your life. Date of filing is what matters. While I can’t tell you what is best for you, you should think long and hard about what you want your future to be like.

I think you know what the future brings for you…

I will note that in NJ, alimony is generally 50% of the duration of the marriage, and it goes up if you are closer to the 20 year mark. For a swag, she will get 22-28% of the delta of both of your after-tax income for 13-18 years. Can you handle that? What if she divorces you next month? It’s a major decision.

someonesomewherex · 2024-07-04T07:01:55+00:00

Your only way out of this is you at the very least move to a new state and file for divorce there after establishing residency. You can take a new job that will be “temporary” in a divorce favorable state.

scivi92 · 2024-07-04T03:19:36+00:00

put everything into cash and lock it up and away

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-07-04T01:05:42+00:00

Keep in mind that if she is not working, at least in CA, you will pay all her legal fees too. I'm in a similar income discrepancy hell. Forever payments and such....

Sad_Hamster_8504 · 2024-07-03T22:59:10+00:00

If u wait and don’t file first you will loose upper handle only way to save face and have a shot is to be the plaintiff and not defendant like I am after 20 yrs of marriage. Getting totally violated in every way because she filed first. I left her because of my and my kids best interests but she has upper hand. I’m, now after a yr and lawyer retiring, going to represent myself. Trying to get back my voice and at least ask for leniency. Good luck with whatever way you go but do it for #1 this time because if we ain’t good. What good are we? All the Best!!!!!

DntCareBears · 2024-07-03T22:11:59+00:00

Per your post, you will be married 20yrs in approx. 20 days give or take. In NJ, you stated that after 20yrs its lifetime alimony for her. Unfortunately, that is what's going to happen here.

Say you took drastic measures, you would need to at a minimum file with the court and have the date of filing be before your 20yr anniversary. However, her lawyer is going to contest that once in court. I don't think you have a way out here.

My sincere advise is that you stay married and just do you. If you make five times what she makes, she is going to be awarded generously by the court. You'll end up selling the marital residence and or moving out and living with a roommate because NJ prices are one of the most expensive in the county.

Given the 20yr and lifetime alimony, it's cheaper to keep her. You might see the grass greener now, but a lifetime of paying someone thousands of dollars just so that you can have your freedom is not worth it. After a year or two you will be miserable. Not because you miss her, but because your way of life has been altered so much so that it's infuriating. Learn to be roommates and just live your life and massage the marriage so that she does not file, but you at least have your peace in the home.

Again, she's not working and barely has an income. I don't know the laws in your state, but I will guess you might be paying her easily up to 50% of your net pay. That will include alimony, child support and any other incidentals and her legal fees. That I will guarantee you will happen. I am sure her lawyer will start a firestorm with you and it will be at a minimum $50K... So image having a $50K debt that you cannot write off or file for bankruptcy. You will barely have enough to pay for that room that you will be renting.

What you need is a Time Machine... And that unfortunately does not exist yet.

pk2at · 2024-07-03T22:06:06+00:00

NJ allows legal separation. Your best option is to see if e-filing is available. If yes, fill in the forms yourself and check box for no spousal support needed. Get your wife to sign off when she is happy, then file yourself. Legal separation is usually approved without having to go to court, through facilitators. Once legal separation is approved, if it goes to divorce, there won't be any spousal support

mr21vp · 2024-07-03T21:44:28+00:00

I would see an attorney ASAP to explore options

On the bright side, if you get stuck with lifetime alimony, she's already a geriatric and closer to her expiration date than you are...maybe the only advantage of marrying an older lady. (Sorry couldn't resist a little dark humor to lighten things up)

21YearsofHell · 2024-07-03T20:22:13+00:00

Sounds like you may want to file rapidly…

yxd00180 · 2024-07-03T20:11:19+00:00

Given the permanent alimony will be stopped at retirement age which is 67, I only have 16years to pay. Given she still shows she wants to work, I don't know if we can work out at the end. I think split asset and paying 40% net income for 10 years (1/2 of marriage time) at this time seems like payout to her and leave all the risk to me. Let alone we still face retirement issue.

I dont know how to figure out if she wants to be just companion going forward or waits for big payout given her age. Since we are both alone in the US and are getting old, I think there is mutual benefit to work together. I usually don't suspect people have ill intention when life is already hard enough.

EDIT: We have similar way to handle things while she is a bit more on the traditional side. I just feel I can't reason with her at home. Is that an universal woman thing?

0neMinute · 2024-07-03T19:54:27+00:00

Move to a none alimony state then divorce

Title	Should I gamble to stay in the marriage
Author	yxd00180
Upvotes	7
Comments	55
Date	July 3, 2024 7:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dunfl2/should_i_gamble_to_stay_in_the_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/should-i-gamble-to-stay-in-the-marriage.1523162 https://theredarchive.com/post/1523162

Comments