First and foremost: I am not a lawyer. Nothing I say should be construed as legal advice. The laws in your state are probably different. This is just my story and maybe it can help somebody.

I'm early 50's live in the Midatlantic US. I was married for 22 years. Five Kids (24, 22, 21, 17 and 12), house, decent job etc. Our oldest is special needs which took a lot of time and attention. Oddly that was a big reason we stayed together as long as we did. He needs a lot of care and one person cannot do it.

Ultimately, he was moved into a care facility and resides there permanently. Right as that was happening, my wife told me she was gay. I was more than a little surprised and we slept in the same bed for a while but the marriage was effectively over. I moved out of the bedroom and we decided that we would remain married on paper to keep things as close to they were as possible. We talked to the kids and it was going fine. We were talking about next steps an living situation etc. She told me she was going to start dating and encouraged the same. She went on the apps and so did I. Six months after we were effectively separated, I met someone.

She was initially supportive and things were good. At some point, something changed and things went completely sideways. I moved in with my mother and step father to reduce the tension. The kids stayed with her. Two weeks later she told me I needed to take the kids and she needed to focus on her "mental health".

Thus began the Campaign Of Destruction. She put the kids squarely in the middle. Telling them every private thing about me. She called all her relatives to do the same. She told our children that she hopes I get cancer and die a slow painful death. My youngest daughter was 8.

My answer to this was...nothing. Grey rock all the way. Any communication was devoid of emotion. Just factual. Brief, Informative, Factual and Fair.
I didn't discuss her with the kids or anyone in my family aside from my brother. When she started texting the kids private, personal and totally inappropriate things about me and called me dozens of times in the middle of the night, I finally filed for a PFA (protection from abuse). We agreed through counsel that we would replace the PFA with a non criminal stipulation order. This was my first mistake.

I took the kids to school and back every day. She refused to even let them go to the house after school. This went on for a year. Six months into that year, she was attending an outpatient program for people with Cluster B. She met a man there, decided she was no longer gay and moved him into my house three days after meeting him. He's an alcoholic felon with 3 DUIs and a criminal record going back 3 decades.

My older son caught Covid the following spring and asked her if he could come home and recuperate. (He goes to college nearby). She agreed. Two hours after he was there, a process server tried to serve her divorce papers and she went ballistic. She kicked my son out of the house, drove him back to his dorm while berating him he entire time. He recorded her rant. He filed a PFA a few days later and it was granted. She had a meltdown in court and told the judge it was fixed and that he didn't understand mental illness etc. The judge was absolutely furious.

Shortly after that she filed a PFA against me for....nothing basically. I was intent on proving the boyfriend was living there so I was taking picture of his car in my driveway. She said that was harassment they bought it. Ultimately, I negotiated a stipulation that I wouldn't approach the house.

A few weeks after this she has a total meltdown at home when the kids were visiting and traumatized them. I'm leaving out the details but it was very bad.

That effectively destroyed her relationship with her children. They haven't spoken to her since.

She dodged service for months, and finally divorce was granted.

I pay a very modest alimony and did not ask for child support during alimony negotiations.

Custody is considered a separate matter before the court. She has used legal but frustrating delaying tactics to drag this matter out. I filed for full legal and physical custody. We had a hearing scheduled next month. In my state, my lawyer can subpoena her therapists notes from their sessions. She was supposed to turn them in on Friday. When they hadn't handed them over Monday, my lawyer asked hers what was up and within hours we had a stipulation that she was granting me everything I wanted. Whatever is in those notes must be very, very bad.

I signed and filed with the court. It's finally over after 3.5 years and tens of thousands of dollars.

I got the house, I got the kids. I lost a lot of money but it was worth it. She is also not allowed to contact me directly. We have a court authorized and auditable platform that we use.

The lesson: You cannot prevent your ex from trying to ruin your name. People who know you won't believe the lies. Those who do were never on your side to begin with. I was on good terms with her side of the family. I will never speak to them again after they believed her. No loss for me. The friends I have who have weathered the storm with me mean the world to me. I am truly free. There's nothing she can say to anyone now. It's all been said and I have no secrets and I have no shame. I know who my friends are and my world is better for it.

It was a shit ride and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I'm not living in a prison anymore.

I'm happy to answer questions here or in PMs.

Good luck gentlemen.

xpost BPDLovedOnes