Thoughts on men who won’t let you look at their phone?

MoreThanPurple · 2024-09-26T20:55:51+00:00

Locking this thread. This is a perfect example of why we ask posters to be upfront and honest with their situation in the initial post. We cannot give good advice when you are not upfront about your situation and only come out with the facts later.

Bright_Morning_6134 · 2024-09-26T15:39:48+00:00

This is a hard one…because there’s so much baggage around it.

I personally think it would be really weird for my husband to ask me to hand over my phone, or for me to say the same to him. I have nothing to hide.

But like, I wouldn’t ask him to let me go through his dresser drawers searching for something, and would find it very odd if he requested that from me. That being said, if I was putting something away for him, you bet I’d just open the drawer and put it away. Same if he was putting something away from me, or if we were borrowing something from the other (though we would ask to borrow…not ask to access once the other person said yes).

For the phone, we do borrow one another’s phone whenever needed, and we share all of our photos to a shared album. So there isn’t any hesitation to “hand the phone over” to the other person to use it, but we also aren’t going through one another’s phone. That’d be weird.

Jenneapolis · 2024-09-26T15:06:00+00:00

Not a red flag. Why do you feel the need to go through their stuff and be controlling? I don’t share my phone either because maybe I don’t want them to see my embarrassing selfies that I take to see how my makeup looks in certain lighting or my Google history looking at info on bowel habits or whatever other embarrassing stuff. People are entitled to privacy.

RPW 101 is “don’t be controlling” and wanting to go through a man’s phone is controlling and will push him away. I will die on this hill.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-09-26T15:20:15+00:00

It is bit stalky I think. I never check a mans phone. If you have dont trust him- just say it. Move on or stay. Your choice. No wrong choice. Just a choice.

Stalky, manipulative, controlling behavior is not female dominance.

It’s insecurity. It is a sign of weakness.

Checking his phone would not determine if he is cheating.

It should not determine if he is cheating.

You can delete messages. Block and unblock numbers. Carry different phones. Agree to communicate through apps. Agree to never text. Blah blah

Im pretty dominant and secure. If a man wants to be exclusive we discuss what that means.

I keep promises. If he doesn’t uphold his deal, he knows what that means. He knows the consequences. No drama necessary at all.

You dont have to track a cheater down. They always always leave obvious clues and tracks. They get sloppy. The mistress gets clingy. The illegitimate kids call you up. The friends get quiet when you are around. The co workers are surprised when you show up. The family stumbles over what to say.

I date cheaters but would probably never marry one. They are too much work and not enough money, They risk your health. They make you look like a fool. Im doing pretty well on my own. Never say never. But i am probably too dominant and secure for a cheater. They don’t like that i dont care or have other options. Im too dominant to play high school mind games.

If it makes women feel better. Cheating men know how to pick women. If a cheater picks you, he likes you. Cheating doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. So it usually works out. They like the women who check phones and are stalky. It gives them a challenge. They like drama. They love emotional break ups and show outs. It helps their self esteem. Makes them think you really care. You love them. They are worth fighting for. They enjoy the dramatic. They are shocked if you don’t play along.

The worst thing you can do to a cheater, The most devastating thing you can do is to just not care. Be quiet. Walk away and find someone else who values you. Ignore it. The second, third , fourth, eleventh girl is never better than the wife. If she was he would have divorced. Its a game. You can play it or leave the table to find something else. I prefer to kayak.

My controversial two coins. Sorry for the rant but They are worth more than pennies.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2024-09-26T16:32:31+00:00

Phones have opened a Pandora's Box of relationship problems. Just look at any relationship sub for examples and details, particularly the ones concerned with infidelity. The evidence is almost always on their well guarded phone. However it also can depend on your relationship - that is, how long you've been together and the depth of commitment.

There's also a difference between "privacy" and "secrecy". Privacy is you basically know what's going on but don't need the details, or it's something that won't impact your relationship or your decision to stay in the relationship. Secrecy is literally them hiding something because you wouldn't approve of it if you found out and they know it

How long have you been together? How committed is your relationship? These are things to consider. Depending on the level of his reaction and demeanor, this could be a red flag or maybe not.

Edited for clarity

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-09-26T15:16:50+00:00

I think it's perfectly reasonable to keep your phone private when you're dating. Maybe married couples feel the need to share, even if it's just for logistical reasons, like he has the app downloaded and you don't, you're the one with all the photos, etc. If you're just dating, you have no reason to expect access to his private information, which could include everything from texts to credit card information.

mistressusa · 2024-09-26T15:03:02+00:00

I've never requested to look at my husband's phone. But if he is skittish about letting me handle his phone when he is showing me something on his phone, then yes, I would take that as a red flag.

-ladykitsune- · 2024-09-26T16:42:46+00:00

I’ve never felt the need to look at a man’s phone, but if he’s being extremely protective over his phone privacy there’s usually a reason why. Normal people won’t appreciate snooping but also don’t care that much about leaving their phone lying around if there’s nothing to hide.

I once dated a guy where during dinner he needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t think anything of it but he suddenly sprinted back to the table, snatched his phone (I didn’t even notice his phone on the table!) stuffed it into his pocket then walk normally again back to the bathroom. Yeaaaaah that raised some warning bells. Later I caught him snooping on my phone (there was nothing there) and I’m pretty sure he was projecting cheating on me.

snarkypirate · 2024-09-26T16:47:55+00:00

I wouldn't be happy if my husband wanted to just look through my phone because it would definitely feel like he was trying to find something or had some kind of suspicion and didn't trust me. I don't care if he grabs it while I'm driving to mess with the music or if he needs to use my phone to make a call or pick up an online order or something. I don't have anything to hide, but he should know that -so him wanting to look would be a concerning thing for me. Same for my end too - I don't ask to look at his phone. If I need to get into it (usually to turn off/snooze his million alarms or alerts when he's left his phone downstairs) I can.

So I guess it depends on the context of how and why you're asking but if it's just to "check up" I'd probably be defensive and annoyed too.

Shoddy_Wrangler693 · 2024-09-26T19:08:16+00:00

It also depends on the reason. For example I had ex that got very upset at me. However I couldn't legally let her go through my phone because I had HIPAA information on my phone every day that I worked about my clients that I had to take to and from doctor's appointments.

However I will say if you're not willing at a moment's notice to hand over your phone then you sure as hell shouldn't be playing to bitch about somebody else not be wanting to handover their phone . A good portion of people I've noticed will clean out their phone, and then ask to look through somebody else's phone only if they know there's is safe.

Significant-Crab-771 · 2024-09-26T17:11:14+00:00

this is an unpopular opinion but i think this is a red flag. I go on my husbands phone all the time, not to go through it but just to use it casually. I let my friends on my phone too. If my husband wouldn’t tell me his password and wouldn’t ever let me see his phone i would be extremely uncomfortable.

Noressa · 2024-09-26T15:16:45+00:00

Not a red flag. My husband is very private in a lot of things. His phone is his, his messages online are his, his discussions with people are his. He has my phone password and everything on my computer, knows all my passwords. I have the password to in case of his death for one file but not his computer, I'll have to ask a friend of his what is is.

He doesn't want me to accidentally mess anything up, he wants his privacy, I'm happy to give it. There are no outstanding questions I have about who he is or what he does, and any questions I do have he answers. On the few occasions he forgets to lock his computer before going to bed, I'll lock it for him so our kids don't accidentally mess something up on his screen. (He works on his computer for a living.) No reason to not trust him.

I will say the concerning part is if he was guarded about it. My husband openly answers questions without any hedging.

papa610519819 · 2024-09-26T15:50:02+00:00

Yes.

DearNeighborhood7685 · 2024-09-26T20:26:03+00:00

Yeah a major red flag

TheBunk_TB · 2024-09-26T15:24:20+00:00

Are you someone I'm dating? actual GF? Thursday piece? Wife? One and done?

LizFire · 2024-09-26T16:36:20+00:00

Not only it's his privacy, but also the privacy of everyone who sends him messages.

Miserable-Read7597 · 2024-09-26T14:56:47+00:00

Yeah…definitely, a red flag to hide and become angry.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-26T14:43:28+00:00

Title: Thoughts on men who won’t let you look at their phone?

Author Desperate-Treacle344

Full text: Do you consider it a red flag if your man is guarding his phone with his life? Perhaps he refuses to let you look at his phone and gets angry, going off about “privacy” and “trust”? What are your thoughts on this?

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fulltimeheretic · 2024-09-26T19:06:03+00:00

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I’ve never once looked through his phone or vice versa, we’ve also never shared our location. We know each others passwords, but ultimately I don’t want him in my phone and I doubt he wants me in his. Neither of us have anything to do with”hide” but phones are kind a diary. He doesn’t need to know about my friends struggle with suicidal thoughts they shared with me, he doesn’t need to see the bad photos I took of my acne so I can how it improves, he doesn’t need to see my Google things centered about my relationship anxiety when I am pmsing, he doesn’t need to see that I looked up an old ex on Facebook because something reminded me of him and I wondered if he’s still insane, he doesn’t need to know that I made a note of struggles I have within our relationship that I am personally working through. Why do people think that because you’re dating someone you owe them 100% of your thoughts? It creeps me out honestly. I just found out that my ex best friends new girlfriend read through all our chats, dating back 8 years and now knows some of the most personal details of my life. I feel violated. I think healthy boundaries with cell phones are important. I think IF you’re suspicious for a very good reason - checking to see WHO they are talking is possibly ok, but people take some insane liberties with each others phones. I see a partner going through my phone like reading my diary. Hell no.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-09-26T15:46:14+00:00

Expecting to have access to a man’s phone is disrespectful of his privacy and trust. Saying no to a request to go through his phone is not a red flag.

But if he’s super squirrelly about it, then yeah that’s a bit of a red flag, but like, it’s the acting weird about something that is the red flag, not wanting privacy around his phone. Like if you’re talking about what you did over the weekend and he goes “that is my personal private information!!!” and won’t talk about it, then that is weird. But needing to have tabs on his whereabouts at all times is not a reasonable expectation.

tornteddie · 2024-09-26T15:55:58+00:00

I wouldnt pick it up and go through it but like to change the music in the car, i grab his phone and just change the music. If he were to act defensive at me even picking up his phone to change the music, id be suspicious of that.

But going through someones phone is invasive. Its not just your privacy, it’s your friends and family who share private information over text or DMs, and expect it to remain private

amityjeanklein · 2024-09-26T20:22:26+00:00

I’m not opposed to or anxious about handing my partner my phone (or vice versa) but I would say no if he wanted to go through it. It breaches trust in my opinion, and if you have suspicions that make you feel like you need to do that then the relationship is not sustainable in my experience. If they’re guarding and getting defensive, I’d be wary but I wouldn’t immediately assume it’s a red flag. People deserve privacy, even in relationships. I answer texts from my partner’s phone but I’d never snoop around in there.

Tangentially, my roommate and close friend just took my phone and went through some messages the other day and it really made me uncomfortable and feel violated. My partner was there too and we both agreed that it’s not ever okay to snoop through someone’s phone. I think it’s more of a red flag to be the one wanting to snoop than anything.

Unique_Mind2033 · 2024-09-26T14:51:51+00:00

I feel sorry for them that they can't be fully themselves and need to live with these elaborate safeguards and restrictions

PaganButterChurner · 2024-09-26T15:26:35+00:00

your man is not a spy, there is no reason for your man to be guarding his phone. Both of you should not be guarding your phone (not saying you are).

Title	Thoughts on men who won’t let you look at their phone?
Author	Desperate-Treacle344
Upvotes	19
Comments	50
Date	September 26, 2024 2:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1fpxvhn/thoughts_on_men_who_wont_let_you_look_at_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/thoughts-on-men-who-wont-let-you-look-at-their.1531519 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531519

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