I need a divorced guys input

georeddit2018 · 2024-12-16T11:26:36+00:00

Communicate, but don't force it. Just let him know what is on your mind. The moment you want to be possessive of him or his time is when he's gonna skedaddle.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2024-12-16T10:53:21+00:00

Well, it’s like this for me. I have work, my kids and I’m lonely. I want to date and be with a woman who isn’t going to cram a relationship down my throat and then start listing demands. It’s nice to take it slow and see what she’s like when she stops making her best effort. What is she really like? I would maybe talk to him, he doesn’t know what you’re feeling etc yet? If he doesn’t text you, let’s be real the most attractive guy is the one you can’t have. If he comes at your every beck and call you would probably lose attraction, right?

sludgepress · 2024-12-16T07:46:54+00:00

When I was divorced, we got 50-50 custody of our son. I was married for 20 years. And just the emotional strain and the financial strain of going through the divorce and dealing with a woman that I used to love more than anything else who then became a woman I could barely stand to be in the same room with was just mentally and physically exhausting. So when it was all said and done, any dating scenario that got too close to being “serious“, I just pulled myself away from it. The thought of having to go through anything similar to a break up ever again after a man finds his “peace” is just not worth it. That is just my personal opinion. I’ve dated a couple of women, but I have not introduced them to my son and as of right now, I’ve been divorced four years and the thought of any woman even being in my home for an extended weekend is not something that I would be open to doing right now. Again, this is my opinion, but once a man has been through all that BS with divorce and family courts, when he finally has peace, there is nothing that can replace it. literally just sitting in my home and doing what I want and having to not filter my thoughts and or intentions about anything (even something as simple as what to watch on tv) and being in complete peace is almost all I need. Everybody likes to have someone to go on a date with or spend time with but as far as exclusive and long-term relationships after divorces and what not, they rarely work out, and the juice is rarely worth the squeeze. Again, just my humble opinion. And I am also of the opinion that when kids are involved, you should really wait until they get up around 17 or 18 years old. I know that very few people do this, but it is the right thing to do. Introducing people into young people‘s lives after a divorce is more upsetting than people really consider. I know there are variables. If you had a spouse that was a complete train wreck and you find somebody that is 10 times better around your child, then that’s a good thing. But again, that’s rarely the case. I guess in the end, men that actually care about their children and are looking to do the right thing by themselves and by their child won’t want to get into a relationship with a woman with children. I know that’s not what you wanna hear but it’s the truth. That is one of my hard and fast rules now. I will never be involved with a woman who has children living with her.

dasfoo · 2024-12-16T06:52:22+00:00

I have wondered if when I start dating divorced women my age I will have too much empathy for their ex-husbands. If you treated a man who loved you like I treated my wife who divorced me, I would have second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts about validating you in any way.

fives_gw · 2024-12-16T05:48:33+00:00

Any divorced man who gets burned badly by divorce (as so many do, because legal marriage in our era works so clearly against many of their interests) would have to be downright stupid (many are! looking at you, men who remarry...) not to learn a lesson from that experience and emerge more self-protective in any subsequent relationship. He's probably protecting himself, and probably has very rational, experience-based reasons, after going through a divorce, for wanting to do so. That protection could very reasonably include a refusal to quickly escalate the seriousness of any new relationship. That's not just valid, it's downright recommended (by any divorced man with a clue) for a man in his position.

It doesn't even have to be legal marriage etc only that's at stake. Every ratcheting up of relationship seriousness/commitment almost inherently represents an increase in the other partner's power over him, and a corresponding limiting of his options and autonomy. Maybe he simply doesn't want his options/autonomy limited by you in that way at your current stage? That's an entirely valid choice he is free to make (especially if he has the life experience now to see how poorly things went for him when he gave up that power to his ex, probably, without thinking twice?). You can also decide, of course, that his unwillingness to cede that power to you is a dealbreaker for you at whatever point. That's what it looks like when both sides are equal, empowered entities and one side doesn't expect the other to just fall in line with their preferences.

It grinds my gears -- as I'm sure it does for many men -- though, to frequently see a man's candid refusal to cede his autonomy characterized as if it's somehow illegitimate, or represents some deficiency on his part (like, "he's so damaged from divorce that he won't even submit to the constant escalator of relationship commitment that I am -- like so many women -- pressuring for! The nerve!"). It strikes me as a way that one group seeks to implicitly maintain some power advantage by suggesting that the other side's entirely valid defense of their opposing interests is actually illegitimate / merely the product of some deficiency (like not being adequately recovered from divorce trauma). Realize that it also likely feels invalidating to a man in his position not to have his different perspective or priorities merely opposed (as equally valid although different from yours), but to have them treated as if they're not even valid/legitimate to hold at all.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2024-12-16T04:28:11+00:00

This isn't a relationship drama sub. If anyone should be asking advice here and getting support from other men, it's him. Not you. There are plenty of other platforms exclusive to women to support each other.

No father here is going to condemn an involved father in your favour. Case in point, you've only started talking for 3 months yet here you are complaining that he hasn't put you ahead of his kids.

lostpassword100000 · 2024-12-16T04:13:57+00:00

You come second to his kids. Which is the way it should be. He’s not ready. He may never be ready with you. I would suggest talking to him.

bkdad75 · 2024-12-16T03:47:22+00:00

Unlike a first marriage, there's no "standard" deal for a post divorce relationship. Exclusivity, cohabitation, kids, somebody providing, it's all up for grabs. It's easy for inaccurate assumptions to get made. Does he know what you want, what your goal is? He may be assuming that by asking for "commitment" you're asking for or aiming for other things too, and he might not be down for them. Find out!

techrmd3 · 2024-12-16T03:14:42+00:00

er... so a man goes through the meat grinder of divorce (after his previous wife said I do and forever and ever, but then divorced him after a few years NOT actually loving him forever)

THEN you expect this same man to believe that you are different type of woman?

Here's a Tip... how about trying to be DIFFERENT from every other woman?... you know quit playing every romance like it's the 2 minute drill and we have to go fast fast fast because... well this woman is not getting any younger or other reasons - what's the rush toots? are you worried that he will see you without makeup and run?

in short if you are wondering why your sweetums is gun shy it's likely because you are subtly doing the SAME DANG things that his ex wife did to rush things prior to him wifeing her up...

Get it? I really hope you do! We men don't learn easily but we DO learn. If you are getting a gun shy man it's because you are pulling the SAME DANG STUNTS as his Ex wife did... sheesh

warwww · 2024-12-16T03:10:25+00:00

He’s mourning the death of his family and what could have been for his kids. Give him space.

Not all of us are into this new age “blended” stuff.

JLALJL · 2024-12-16T03:08:21+00:00

This could be lots of things! First he has full custody so he’s got it all on his plate. Not always easy!

I think you just straight up tell him how you feel!

Alienkermit · 2024-12-16T03:06:22+00:00

It's best to let him do his own thing. If he hasn't made a move on you yet, then chances are he hasn't decided what he wants to do yet.

Title	I need a divorced guys input
Author	SharpTooth-Roar
Upvotes	0
Comments	29
Date	December 16, 2024 3:02 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hf9nfp/i_need_a_divorced_guys_input/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-a-divorced-guys-input.1538620 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538620

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