My divorce finalized in December. I’ve said this before on here but by all accounts my ex was more than fair. I’ve dated while we were separated, and she found out at some point. Mostly dated to fill a void and meet new people. It’s terrible on the dating apps, but I have a very small friend group and don’t have many chances to interact and meet people. It’s so hard to meet new friends at 40.

Yesterday I had an emotional interaction on the phone with my ex. She’s dating a guy and I just broke down. My actions over the years were the main cause of the divorce and Ive acknowledged and regret those decisions over the past 19 years together. She has fault too in this too, and I know why and where things went wrong. Doesn’t change anything that’s happened. I did love her very much, but I also hurt her for selfish reasons. Neither of us had the tools until the end to communicate and understand each others needs. By then the damage was done and irreversible in her eyes.

I thought about ending it all yesterday, which hasn’t been a thought for a long time. I have a lot going for me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I put up a pretty good front for my kids, which is my main focus when I have them. I’ve done the counseling, the exercises, the mental work to know my issues, leaned on friends and family. I have a great job with great pay, I’m in great shape, and I’m an old school guy that can do most anything. It just took one phone call to pull me back down and erode any confidence I had built up.

I know this is just another grief cycle. Some will get on here and rant she’s just one woman, make yourself happy, go find someone better, man up, or whatever version of get on with your life you can throw out there. I just want her back, and there’s nothing I can do to get that.