Do you fight less/get less angry in your new relationships?

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-03-15T21:40:46+00:00

You will do the same, work on your emotional intelligence. Yelling and calling names often comes from insecurities, and being defensive around them. I have the same issue and I am working to overcome it myself. Really focusing on ME and how I show up in relationships. It doesn’t matter who you are with you have to understand what triggers you and what you have I securities about. Mine was not feeling like I was being heard, it stemmed from a father than didn’t actively listen to me when I talked to him. So when my exwife would disengage from our conversation (because of her own issues), I would feel like I wasn’t being heard and would raise my voice (you know, because if I am louder she might listen to me more…..not). Definitely focus on yourself, the very fact you are question it, is essential, now work on the growth.

PsiBeagle411 · 2025-03-15T06:24:12+00:00

Fighting 10x more in my post divorce relationship. fml.

Blue_wafflestomp · 2025-03-14T12:10:01+00:00

Closeness engages different and deeper rooted behaviour, so the fact that your anger doesn't occur with other aspects of your life isn't a pass at all. It's still your anger. You'll do the same shit with anyone who you develop a deeper connection with down the road. Solve it now. You don't have to keep the wife, and nobody here can damn or absolve her, that's for you to figure out. But no matter what happens, it is 1000% better down the road if you own your shit with extreme zeal.

If you're in marriage counseling, it's also a good idea to be going to individual therapy that focuses on you, if you can find the time and $$. Marriage counseling is much less effective when one or both partners also needs individual therapy.

roshi-roshi · 2025-03-13T22:52:07+00:00

You need to look at you and where that anger comes from. I’m sorry, but the name calling is abusive and has to stop. It’s good you can admit it. You just have to make a decision to stop. Her work will be to stop pushing your buttons.

In marriage you take vows precisely so you don’t walk away when this stuff comes up. You work it through and in the future you will be damn glad you did.

Another thing to do is to write your exact vision of what you want the marriage to be down to details like what you and her will be doing and saying in the morning. Do the same thing with divorce. Look at every detail of how your life will be and the potential impact it will have on every aspect of your life.

I never got a chance to do this and I think it would have saved my marriage.

Scary_Board_8766 · 2025-03-12T22:35:39+00:00

They just handing out new relationships somewhere?

THX1138-22 · 2025-03-12T17:54:34+00:00

The great thing about new relationships is that you can just walk away. We couldn’t do that in our marriage, especially if kids were involved.

If my partner gets upset, angry, I try to hear her out but I don’t argue. It’s just not worth it. If it goes too far, I just tell her I am not talking about this anymore. I give her the most wonderful gift a man can give an upset woman: I give her the gift of my absence.

I typically loop back the next day once she’s calmed down and we can have a more thoughtful discussion. Fortunately, she is one of the most reasonable women I’ve met and we’ve been able to work through things. She’s the only woman I’ve met so far who takes responsibility for her words and demonstrates accountability.

I would recommend marriage counseling only to role play communication skills so that you as a couple can solve problems on your own instead of paying $200/hr to a therapist. Couples therapy usually fails because one partner moves the goalposts and the therapist knuckles under to that person in order to avoid losing the clients.

funnyman6979 · 2025-03-12T16:39:25+00:00

Work on hurts, habits, and hang ups which you are with therapy. I get it, I once saw a sticker “a second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience!” Second marriage has been a struggle lasted two times longer than the first. Both have to work on it, have to pull in the positives too not just sit with the “bad”. Just throwing this in I don’t have all the answers trust me. I get tired of being under a microscope. Completely get how you feel in this.

itoocouldbeanyone · 2025-03-12T13:23:18+00:00

Fight less and don’t get angry. It’s still new and not a serious relationship so far. However, comparing this time to the begging of my relationship with my ex wife. So many arguments and apologizing. Therapy has helped, compatibility is a prime reason why too.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-03-12T11:13:05+00:00

If you are getting angry you are losing frame. That should tell you something about you or the relationship.

sandman_runner · 2025-03-12T03:52:52+00:00

marriage counseling did ZERO for my marriage of 24 years, twice. the ex hated hearing the truth and the mental manipulations were exhausting

as for now, i’ve been with another challenging woman for 6 years now but the up is, she’s mostly a good crazy. everything i dealt with in marriage has made me a better moderator for this relationship.

ideally i’d rather not have more drama but this new woman is a drug.

Ssla1 · 2025-03-12T00:47:16+00:00

I worked on myself which was worth it for about a year and half before deciding to end it. But that additional time will come at a price of additional alimony

modernmanagement · 2025-03-11T23:11:05+00:00

You say you have an anger problem with her. But. Is it anger? Or is it control?

You want her to act differently. You want her to respond in the way you expect. When she doesn't… you react. You say "but she pushes my buttons." Okay. So tell me... who gave her the buttons to push?

Seneca tells us " Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power." Anger is weakness. It is losing control over yourself. It is surrendering your mind to impulse. Do not make excuses. It may catch you off guard. You may react with anger. But you are not your desires. You are your mind. You can take control. You can pause when angry. You can let it wash over you. Like stormy waves against the rocks. You can be the rock. The rock doesn't resist the crashing waves. It doesn't fight back. It just is. Be the rock.

Marcus Aurelius reminds us "You have power over your mind but not outside events." You cannot control her. But you can control your response. Her words, her behaviour... they are external. You are not obligated to react. That is your choice. And if you do feel anger, know that it is of your body and not of your mind. Your emotions are visitors, not masters.

Try seeing your anger as a training partner. A worthy sparring buddy. When you feel it rising, pause. Acknowledge it. "I feel anger" is not the same as "I am angry". Do not let it drive you. Feel the anger. But. Engage with her calmly. Focus only on what is practical. Epictetus teaches that "it’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." This is the work. Let go of the outcome. Train yourself not to need her reaction. You don't need her agreement. She may never understand. And that's okay. This is where strength lies.

TXJohn83 · 2025-03-11T22:48:47+00:00

Dude if you fight or get angry at all just end it.... i had to learn the hard way that you should never drag shit on that you are on the fence about.

thriller1122 · 2025-03-11T22:36:55+00:00

The same thing can definitely happen in new relationships. But it does not happen in all new relationships. That is something that is top of my red flag list. If you cant have a normal disagreement or admit when you are wrong? See ya.

Title	Do you fight less/get less angry in your new relationships?
Author	Disastrous_Age_1493
Upvotes	10
Comments	31
Date	March 11, 2025 10:32 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1j93ojc/do_you_fight_lessget_less_angry_in_your_new/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/do-you-fight-lessget-less-angry-in-your-new.1546287 https://theredarchive.com/post/1546287

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