I (m28) found out my wife (f26) was cheating on me last week. About 1.5 months ago, she came to me asking for some space and to separate. The relationship was not in great condition so I figured it would be good, I sleep on the couch and her in the bed. We would get my 1 year old son to bed and down for the night and she would go out with her female friend to hang out/ workout almost nightly. Last week I randomly go through her phone while she showered to see she’s texting a guy. I look into it and I see there are car sex videos and a video of her blowing him on my couch while I’m at work. I confront her and she got defensive, bringing up all the “fucked up shit” that I would do in the past (I had alcohol problems for years that are since controlled but it caused so much hurt for her and issues that I say alcohol ruined a lot of good in my life to include the breakdown on this marriage). She also said well we’re separated so it’s fine that we are dating. We aren’t separated, we’ve just been sleeping separately while she went out on dates now that I know. She told me she isn’t sorry it happened and that she was sorry I had to find out that way. She said she would continue talking to this guy and she does. I know she holds a lot of grudges over me and uses that to blame the breaking of the marriage and as justification to her wrong actions. She doesn’t view what she did as wrong. She had been faithful this whole time up until now and friends and family I’ve spoken to say it doesn’t sound like her, and it doesn’t. She didn’t want me to tell her or my immediate family, I think to try to save face for her? But why? If we’re getting divorced (which it’s 99% looking that way) why not tell people? Is this fling just to get back at me or make a statement? So many questions I don’t know. When I first found out last week I was a mess, crying, begging her to stay, begging for her back, and looking now I was being a whiney bitch when she’s the one who cheated. And yes through self reflect, there’s a ton I did wrong, I was too comfortable and got complacent in the relationship, alcohol led to issues between us, I probably felt to her more like a roommate than husband. I can agree on all those that deteriorated the relationship over time, and I feel like she is trying to fill those gaps of what she wanted from me with this other person. I also think this person was taking advantage of her in a dying relationship and doing/saying things to drive her away either for themself or just to get laid. Regardless, she’s in this “honeymoon” phase now and doesn’t pay much attention to me. I know I’ve changed and grown as a person because of this a lot. Through self reflect and realization of the things I did wrong in the past, what I should have done, what I shouldn’t have done etc, I know better and have learned from this which will help me in any and all relationships moving forward. I just want to know how do I get her to see me over here as a grown and different man out of this? I know when I was pushy and whiney and begging like a bitch when I first found out, it drove her away more. I just want her to see me changed and for her to even see the change that she had been asking of me all this time. I can admit to what I did wrong, I’ve turned into a different person I feel. I’m doing this for me and my son and not her, where the first few days I was all about whatever for her to see. I want her to snap out of whatever this is and take a second to look over and see me as a different person as a result of this. I do still love her and she’s the mother of my child, and I know trust will be hard, but I’m willing to forgive her if she could stop holding grudges and forgive me for my shit over the years. I’m working the paperwork for divorce, and I know we’re 99% looking like that’s happening, but for that 1% hope that she comes back and we work on this, what can I say or do now to get her to even notice me and change? This other guy has all her attention and I’m trying over here. I’m waiting on the day it hits her that this is wrong, and when she finally stops justifying this cheating by saying things like it’s my fault the relationship is at this point, or using the “separation” as justification to date. I’m still filing divorce, but part of me still has hope that she comes back to me and I know we both would have to put in so much work together navigating after this mess. Any advice helps, thanks for your time!