Mediation Questions

jimsmythee · 2025-03-26T12:42:05+00:00

Nothing is signed until it is signed. Feel free to let the entitlement flow. And then if is horrible? Don’t sign and walk away.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-03-26T02:58:52+00:00

If this is court-ordered mediation with an unreasonable stbx, go in prepared and in good faith, but don't expect much. Court-ordered mediations come too early in the process when at least one party is still too angry or whatever to come to the table. Additionally, if their attorney has set unreasonable expectations, there's no chance.

Predetermine the conditions that will cause you to walk out. If you have a lawyer, don't waste too much money preparing them, let them know your walkaway points and instruct them to execute, provided you meet your duty to participate in "good faith" - which is a pretty low bar.

Whoever filed should make the first offer - this would be a walkaway point for me. If an offer's been made to you, then prepare to present a counteroffer.

Other walkaway points, depending on your circumstances/legal position:

Demanding alimony
Demanding more than 50% of assets
Demanding anything less for you than 50/50 custody (if that's what you want)
Demanding child support above guidelines
Refusal to concede or compromise on one issue, when a compromise has been made by you on another issue
Demanding the person who didn't file first make an offer first

Don't expect shit from the mediator, especially the court ones. If you're lucky they'll read the complaint and answer. And they'll go against the first person who shows reasonableness and a willingness to compromise, as it's much easier for them to convince a giver to give than a taker to give.

If you've got some potential irregularities in your finances that may arise (the mediator won't bring them up but sure as shit her lawyer should), prepare well with your lawyer.

If it's a private mediation, let me know, as that's different. If you don't have lawyers, let me know.

NotYours25 · 2025-03-25T23:03:44+00:00

Mediation is often just a fact finding mission.

Be prepared to walk out.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-03-25T21:39:47+00:00

Mediation is not reaching a fair or reasonable settlement, and honesty, transparency, fairness, morality, and decency, at best, can be used against you. Mediation is arriving at a settlement by whatever means is necessary. Basically, you are in the room with the police. They can lie, manipulate, threaten, and/or decieve, jump to conclusions, and barf up whatever interpretation of the code that exists they want. This includes OC, the judge, and any bottom feeders that are collecting billable hours (eg, GALs).

You wonder if they will know if you moved a little money around here or there. Unless they know, they don't know. If they find out, empty the account and there's nothing to divide. Everything in mediation is confidential, so an inaccurate statement, not a problem. Baldface lies, just part of the game. Threats, can't be used in court later, so apply liberally to gain leverage. The mediator shouldn't be going thru anything. You say "I have $10,000 in this account." If that's what your last statement says, that's what you have. So your ex knows you had $50,000. Well, she can have half of the $10k that's there now or take you to court, where you will disclose the correct statements, but you'll both spend $25k. At worst, you have $25k to lose and $40k to gain. Drag ass on settling the account until the very end, until you're sooooo close and everybody is tired. Toss an offer out at the last minute, high pressure car salesman like. Take it or leave it and everything falls apart and we go to court. Even then, settle the week before trial when she's already spent to prepare for trial. You can still get a pretty good deal.

Your attorney, Saul Goodman hopefully, should know-ish what's going on. Or even be complicit in it. What will screw you is if you have a "let's play by the rules" settlement artist. He may not be on your side.

Here are 2 examples:

Ex fails to disclose an account throughout the entire disclosure and discovery process. I find out. Before mediation, she spends everything and the account value is zero. There is nothing to divide, and IATAH for dredging up the past.

Ex lies about 401k value in mediation. I get statements. Fine fine, we agree I am owed some percentage of it, settlement artist agrees percentage is TBD by an accountant later. Sign, file, done. Write the QDRO and send it to an accountant claiming a mystery deposit, never disclosed in discovery or in mediation, is 100% premarital, so 50-50 becomes much less than 50-50. Got statements to prove it? No? Not a problem, just submit the ones that support your position and let her try and argue against that. Back to court we go, or I just accept that the value of the difference is less than the cost of fighting.

Most interesting was the judge's position: I have proof of what's going on, here it is. So you have the proof to understand the truth. This wasn't submitted it in discovery? Exclude. Let's just go with he said/she said.

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-03-25T21:24:58+00:00

I'm in mediation. It's not going well. My wife has asked for double what she'd likely get awarded in court. I responded with an offer of what she could reasonably expect to get. They lowered their crazy offer to slightly less crazy but still insane. I offered more than she was likely to get in court, plus she's the one who wants the divorce and this would be the quickest resolution. They didn't respond at all to that offer (which I said was my last because I wasn't going to negotiate with their crazy offers) and it's been a month and nothing has happened.

This is what I would say. Know what you want going in. Now what your BATNA is...your best alternative to a negotiated agreement. In other words, if mediation fails, know what will happen next and what the likely outcome will be. If their offer is higher than your BATNA, you may not want the deal.

Try to guess what their BATNA is. If you know what their alternative to a mediated deal is, then you know what they might settle for.

If their offer is close to your BATNA and it will save you time and $ instead of going to court, you may want to take it. If it's way off your BATNA, you probably don't.

The mediator does not care if the deal is fair. The mediator is there to get a deal done. If one side will accept a terrible deal, they will allow it. So know going in what you will/won't be entitled to if you go to court. Know how your 401Ks and bank accounts will be divided if you go to court. Don't expect a mediator to do that.

I think mediation probably works well when both sides are realistic and want to close a deal. I think it's hard when, as in my case, one side is being very unrealistic.

biscuts99 · 2025-03-25T20:48:02+00:00

All the money stuff is in discovery your lawyers will do.

Mediation is you both sit down. Say what you want. And work towards the middle. If she is unreasonable about everything then it'll be a waste of 2hours and go to court.

Remember that the mediators goal is to get a deal done. So if you come in with the more solid (legal) argument they will put pressure on your wife to agree/adjust.

InternJimmy07 · 2025-03-25T20:39:01+00:00

Well first question is what type of mediation there’s custody, finance etc.

Most cases each side comes up with there mediation memo to inform the mediator of the current issues at hand that both sides can’t agree on. They will separate both parties. They will listen to one side and give there opinions then go to the other side and go back and forth.

Pending how many issues at hand are still unresolved they will try and tackle one at a time. All my mediators were useless and just a money sunk but we were court ordered several times and each time resulted in Nada. If you feel your not making any progress just let your lawyer know your done so your not just tossing money down the drain.

Title	Mediation Questions
Author	Lonely_Panda4322
Upvotes	5
Comments	34
Date	March 25, 2025 8:33 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jjtjj4/mediation_questions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/mediation-questions.1547623 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547623

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