We’re both 40, have 4 young kids, and have been together for 20 years. A few years ago, we moved to a new state with no family support. I was brought up with strong Christian values as was she, and for most of our relationship, I’ve taken on the role of provider, caretaker, and fixer. She’s recently started therapy and has been trying to “find herself,” but in the process, it feels like she’s rewriting the story of our life together to justify leaving.

She told me I don't mean anything to her life other than stress. Says I add no value to her life and refers to me as an un-needed baggage .It’s devastating because I know I brought value—I’ve supported her emotionally, financially, and practically through it all. Now, she’s emotionally cold and detached. There’s strong evidence of limerence for a coworker who is married and she wanted to connect with until she found out he didn't have similar interest, she has taken pride in telling me she doesn't want or need me

What’s confusing is that despite saying she wants a divorce 8 weeks ago, she hasn’t taken a single step toward filing or planning for what comes next. Meanwhile, she still relies on me for things involving the kids and the house. We’ve essentially become roommates, and she moved out of our shared bedroom over a year ago. At the time she blamed “tension,” but in hindsight, she had already begun emotionally distancing.

She claims she’s fine and doesn’t care about my feelings. Finances have been tight, and she’s barely managing as it is, has always been poor at managing funds and in a two income household is constantly living paycheck to paycheck.I don’t think she’s truly thought through the consequences of separation, especially when it comes to supporting herself and caring for the kids on her own. Her close friends aren’t stopping her, and she seems to be living in a fantasy of freedom, maybe hoping for some idealized version of love she’s never had. She has terrible credit and may not be able to refinance the house and in this market we may have to loose the house or be upside down.

I’ve gone from begging and pleading to going grey rock—detaching emotionally and protecting my peace. I’m now focused on becoming a better father, a stronger man, and someone emotionally grounded and less anxious. I want to rebuild my identity, manage stress and finances better, and be someone who brings joy into his relationships—not just obligation.

But I still feel stuck in this emotional loop—wondering: Will she ever realize what she’s walking away from? Will the limerence fade and reality set in? Or is this truly who she’s become now?

If we stay like this for another year—detached roommates—it’ll be miserable. But filing now means breaking up a family, selling the house, and both of us taking a financial hit. I don’t want to live in limbo, but I’m also grieving the loss of what we had—or could’ve had if she was willing to try.

Has anyone been through this—where one person checks out and detaches emotionally, paints you as the villain, and then maybe wakes up later with regret? I’m trying to move forward and heal, but part of me still wonders if she’ll ever look back and say, “What did I do?. Do they ever come back (hopeful someone has some stories where they woke up before rock bottom) .