Divorce I do not want.

nhender23 · 2026-03-08T04:14:17+00:00

Update: My attorney asked me to pull phone records from the past year. While going through them, I noticed my wife has been texting the same guy every single day since July 2025. Hundreds and hundreds of texts every month, plus calls mixed in. It’s been constant to present day.

I don’t have the message content, just the logs, but the frequency is pretty shocking. I had suspicions before, but seeing the pattern laid out like that hit me hard.

I don’t know for sure if she cheated, but it definitely makes me question a lot about the last year of our marriage.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on my daughters and navigating this divorce process. Has anyone else discovered something like this while going through divorce? How did you handle it?

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-03-05T02:49:52+00:00

I’m 5 months past the bomb being dropped. I’m bitter and angry still, I fear for our 3 kids’ future. Set hard boundaries, take the power back. I put her career first, now I say no. No schedule changes to accommodate your career or personal schedule. The kids always come first and I chose what that looks like now

2026-03-05T01:00:54+00:00

I feel for you, I am in the same position. I am only going on two months and it is rough. This sub-reddit has some good advice.

It sounds like you did everything right, now you just have to accept it. Maybe in a few years things will come back around. Right now you have to do everything for yourself. Exercise. Get your mental health straight. Get your financial health straight. You are in a war where the person you loved may become your enemy, all on their choosing, not yours. They are not the same person anymore. Unless they are willing to do the work on themselves, nothing will change. You need to make sure that you do the work for yourself and for your daughter's future.

Right now you need to be strong. You will be sad, don't show it. You will want to bargain, don't do it. You will be angry, control it. It is okay to have human emotions, but your emotions getting the better of your actions is not okay.

What has helped me is noticing that my dreams will still come true, the path has just changed. Another thing that helped me was sitting and coming to acceptance with every possible outcome. If I have to live in a rundown trailer, fine, I made my peace with it. If I have to rent some slumlords apartment for two years, I'll get through it. If I have to buy a house and live in this state that I hate for the next twenty years until I can go back to the state I call home, I'll do it and save every penny for a dream life back there.

Formal_Bill_1454 · 2026-03-04T12:57:15+00:00

Sometimes once the fire is out, it just won’t catch again.

It’s good and commendable that you have been doing the work and understanding your part in it and the things you need to change in relationships going forward.

It’s just a hard truth that sometimes it’s just too late to fix it

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-03-03T11:58:14+00:00

I am the spouse that filed and even though I filed I still didn't want it

20 years. Gone, just like that. But I realized that I didn't matter when I caught her staying the night at a single guy's house. That and living 1,400 miles away kinda had a big push towards it.

I still have days where I am broken up. Even more recently while she tries to fix things that can't be fixed. Eventually, I just came to the conclusion that this is what it had to come to.

FirelineJake · 2026-03-03T10:23:59+00:00

Didn't want mine either. Realizing that being the husband who didn't become bitter, who rebuilt, tried to save what can be saved, that's not losing. That's the most important thing your daughters will ever watch you do.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-03-03T04:55:28+00:00

I have to say that becoming bitter and resentful was an important part of getting through it and over her.
It actually helped me see her part in full colors and I wrote it down. Mulled over it. Had angry conversations with her and her AP in my head. Although I still have my bad days, I at least know and recognize the symptoms of emotions that are just passing through and that they will fade with time.
Embrace the suck because its going to suck. At least for a while until you've gone through the grief and healed.

Empress1978 · 2026-03-03T01:32:16+00:00

You’ve done everything right. But I’ve learned - nine times outta ten - when one is finished, it’s already too late and it’s then about the process of acceptance. Will be difficult, but you’ve shown, despite not wanting to, that you’re gonna defend yourself and your relationship with your kids. Look ahead and the great opportunities you now have for yourself as a man to grow as well as for your relationship with your daughters. It’s exciting! Yes, mourn the life you thought you were going to create with them …. But don’t let it keep you from the dreams you could have for the future. I’m telling you - it’s sad, but then so amazing.

UrAristotle · 2026-03-03T00:29:45+00:00

I fought to keep my marriage together and my family in tact. I am still working through the bitterness over her choices. We were married 17 years and together 19 with two kids.

The best thing I did was set hard boundaries. When she wants to tell me about her job, I nod without reaction and disengage. When we text, it is strictly related to logistics related to the children.

She believed she would find a better life without me. I’m working to get from hoping she’s miserable to not caring if she does.

TomTomReyRey · 2026-03-02T23:31:48+00:00

First off, I feel for you. I’ve been in your position as far as THINKING it was all my fault. I’m here to tell you that it’s not all your fault and in the same sentence, it’s not all of hers either.

I won’t bore you with details, married 11 years, separated 16 months. Within the 1st three months of separation, she started fooling with a guy that we fought about a lot. For years, he’s “just a friend “ writhing 6 months of the separation I found out she slept with him.

I was very mean to her when I found out because I was hurt. Then I came around and wanted to work on things, even “allowed” her, yes I said allowed, to be around him since he works for her.

My emotions turned quick from being a man to crying and begging her not to divorce me. Telling her I trusted her and she could be around him whenever, just because I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart. Mind you we have 3 young kids. She started taking advantage of my weakness and became very mean.

Longer story short, 1 fight and she kicked me out.

I’m 16 months in and it took a lot of work to feel where I am now. I spent night after not crying and not able to sleep and checking my phone with hopes she would text. It never happened. She blocked me from all social media. We spent 14 years growing and now we can’t even be Facebook and instagram friends?

I’m not going to tell you the norm, workout, eat right and all of that jazz. I will tell you that doing those things will never hurt.

Take your time to cry, take your time to morn, take however long you need. Hopefully one day, you’ll it’ll hit you and you’ll realize that you’re a good man. You will let go of the guilt that it was all your fault. IT WASNT.

If you can, find buddies to hang out with, talk to. I’m not encouraging drinking by any means, but sometimes me and my best friends would get a drink and hang out and the would just listen and watch me cry over and old fashioned or maybe 3 old fashioneds. Just hang on man. If you were local, I’d meet for a drink with you just to let you vent. If you or anyone else made it this far and wants to talk or vent, please feel free to message me. We will all get through this

TBD112017 · 2026-03-02T23:21:58+00:00

I’m in the same boat as you. Moved 1200 to my now ex-wife’s hometown, married and had a child only to divorce when she was 1. This spring will be 4 years and I’m still completely and totally alone. I thankfully have 50/50 and cherish the time with my little girl. Despite not seeing her every day I feel like we’ve bonded to a higher level than we would have if the marriage didn’t fail. Fight for that and make sure you treat your ex as though your daughter sees and hears it all. DM me if you need a friend.

Always-tolkein · 2026-03-02T21:23:53+00:00

This is me. And I admitted the fact that I’m the one who trashed it. My wife and I are still living together one for legal reasons for myself, but two because I do love her and hope she sees the changes and consistency. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last month and am applying it to my daily life. Give her the space she needs. Don’t smother her or love bomb her with gifts.

Read “No more Mr Nice Guy”. That book opened my eyes up to so much and really helped me learn how to reflect back on her during conversations, even emotional ones. And what to do for myself to make me love myself again. So that I can be the happy person I need to be to keep this household together and control my outbursts.

If you really want it, it will take work. I’ve deleted all social media aside from Reddit and messenger. Because I knew that filled my head with poison. I work out daily, diet, and hit church every Sunday I’m off. If I’m bored I read a book or my Bible. Whatever works for you. But just keep your head up. Love yourself and keep emotions at a minimum. So far I’ve started to see little signs here and there.

somewhatpresent · 2026-03-02T21:14:27+00:00

Hanging out on this subreddit is making me realize how different everybody is.

I didn't want the divorce, I was shocked she wanted it when she was so socially conservative and pushed for marriage/house/kids . We were together for 17 years. We have a daughter, a house, a dog, and in some ways working in the same industry even our careers were intertwined.

But my situation is quite different than you because even though my ex-wife is gorgeous (told by MANY people she's out of my league), smart (graduated valedictorian, now making over $350k as senior engineer in tech) , incredibly caring and nurturing....I don't really miss her that much. We fell out of love. I miss her as my comfort zone, which may have been why the relationship lasted as long as it did. I miss having my family intact, I wish I didn't have to put my daughter through a broken family situation. I think we were an amazing team in terms of building each other's careers together, we both had way more career success because we leveraged each other.

Its tough to lose what felt like such an effective partnership especially when its a partnership thats in charge of the wellbeing of an innocent 4 year old girl.

But she tells me that she loves me as a family member but not romantically anymore. And increasingly I feel , I dont love her romantically either anymore. Maybe shes right we're better as friends. Though, part of the reason I fell out of love with her is she fell out of love with me first which sent intimacy of all sorts to the gutter.

If your marriage is getting divorced, it's almost certainly a bad marriage. So, in some ways it's better that it ends. Maybe there could have more done to prevent it from getting there, and maybe the consequences will be very painful, but it couldn't have been a great marriage if it got to this point. So in terms of moving forward, you got out of a bad marriage, which opens up a lot of doors to something better that were previously closed, even if difficult challenges are also introduced.

I got lucky had sex with someone new, it was much better than with my ex. Actually sex with my ex was bad because she constantly made me feel inadequate, I felt like I was a bad lover because I had a sample size of 1, and then I meet a new woman and we have the most incredible sex, shes clearly loving it and I never realized sex could feel so good, and I realized the problem wasnt with me.

Everyone on this sub says not to date soon after a divorce. While I don't want a girlfriend, I did get lucky to find a good casual sex partner I have good chemistry with because at least for me the advice to "get over someone by getting under someone else" was very much applicable.

As far as "things meaning something different", what I've come to accept is that people change. It's likely you guys were on the same page 5 years ago and you're not anymore. That doesn't necessarily change what things meant 5 years ago, it just means "nothing gold can stay". If you put yourself in a sub-optimal situation for her, then you made sacrifices and investments for the love you had at the time, and while its heartbreaking to find out that the love you sacrificed for wasn't meant to last forever, it doesn't mean those sacrifices weren't worth it for the love you did at least once have.

But , even though in some ways we have something very similar (both men hit by divorces we don't want), I'm guessing my own personal pain and hangups about the divorce are of a completely different nature than yours. So it's hard to speak in general advice.

too-far-for-missiles · 2026-03-02T21:10:46+00:00

You're not alone. Just know it's going to suck until it doesn't. And, even then, you'll be in a different universe that you have to do your best in.

I'm going through two weeks of separation now with 13 years married and a pre-schooler caught up in the middle of one person's unilateral decision. It just sucks.

I still believe reconciliation is possible (and it can be for anyone, as long as there's no abuse/violence/hard addiction at play). I also find myself drifting further away from her and not by my own choice. Even only two weeks into it, I'm starting to identify little things that I know I'll be happier about once I have full control back over my life and choices.

Get mental help, build a support group if you can, love yourself and your kids. Ideally, other stuff you need can flow from that (however long it might take). We're all here rooting for you.

CherryEuphoric3557 · 2026-03-02T20:18:42+00:00

I'm still in the thick of post divorce emotions, and I'm less than 2 months out from it. Last week, I was pretty angry... basically all week. Yesterday it turned to sadness. I talked to my therapist today which was helpful, he said all normal. We also talked about being bitter or holding onto the resentment when she starts dating or moving on however. He said "you may feel that way today, but do you really want to be beholden to her like that in the future where her actions still have such an effect on you?"

Made perfect sense in the moment and sort of woke me up. Other than therapy, setting up a routine, not drinking too much, getting a support network...start working out harder than you ever have in your life. It helps. I don't care if it's swimming, running, or whatever, pick something and get after it.

Delicious-Curious · 2026-03-02T20:04:07+00:00

25 years here. Poof. All gone in almost the exact way you described. I’ve made some progress, but I’ll never be at peace with this selfish decision of hers.

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-03-02T19:46:46+00:00

I am not out of the woods yet, but I have been on the phone every day with my support network, friends and family who can listen and be supportive.

Remember, if you did the work and honored your commitment, you can’t blame yourself too much. It’s important that we inventory our behavior and own our failures and shortcomings, but if she decided she didn’t want to be a partner with you in that, it isn’t your failure. That’s hers.

dystinct · 2026-03-02T19:44:17+00:00

Easier to say, harder to do... You just have to let it go. I was married for 18 years and thought it would last forever. We never really argued and seemed to be the power couple. Eventually the norm wasn't good enough for her.

Nothing you can do but move on, brother. Also, anger isn't going to get you very far. You have things to do. You have daughters to focus on.

Title	Divorce I do not want.
Author	nhender23
Upvotes	15
Comments	23
Date	March 2, 2026 4:42 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rixuxe/divorce_i_do_not_want/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-i-do-not-want.1574583 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574583

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