My RP SO is not invited to my BP friends wedding

jm51 · 2014-07-16T12:25:36+00:00

I messaged her to check if I could bring my SO as my +1

I'm guessing that there has been VERY awkward incidents over the years for the OP to ask the question straight out.

If it were truly minor things, OP would have said something on the lines of 'Great! We'll be there' leaving the bride to be to come in with 'Actually...'

sarahbotts · 2014-07-16T16:09:41+00:00

A contrary opinion, but you should attend your friends wedding. It's an important event in her life, and she wants to include you in it.

From her response:

"I know you guys have been together for a long time and I know he's the one you've chosen to be with, but the few interactions we've had with him have not been positive ones and we would prefer that he not be at our wedding."

I take away that your friend values as a friend, but just doesn't want a negative experience at her wedding. I don't think that's such a bad thing. It's honestly the most polite response, and she's not trying to be offensive with you.

boydeer · 2014-07-16T12:43:26+00:00

i'm a fairly RP dude, but here are some potentially contrary opinions to what you are getting here:

your SO has met this girl a few times and had bad interactions with her. what are the "few awkward incidents"? the RP thing to do is to let delusional people carry on.
it's her wedding, and if he can't avoid tactlessly challenging her core beliefs, he doesn't belong there. if there is bad blood, he doesn't belong there.
if you want to go to the wedding, see if your SO is okay with it. ideally, you would be able to reconcile the relationships, but your friend's wedding is certainly not the time to be doing it. and if you want to leave the door open for a better relationship between your college friends and your SO, skipping the wedding is poor strategy, IMHO.
you don't have to explain the situation to your SO. if he can't grasp the concept, he's not going to be able to survive while maintaining RP beliefs.

my mother picked fights and alienated people, and what we would say over in TRP is if you have a woman who picks fights and alienates people, you should next her. i'm not saying that you should next your SO, but in keeping with this sub's guideline of self-reflection and striving towards personal growth, i would suggest you consider that you and your SO have presented the wrong face to these people.

you and your SO have given them the impression that your relationship is something you need rescued from. either your college friends are BP idiots who aren't worth your time, or it's worth your time to examine how you've gotten to this point. perhaps you've flaunted how different your relationship is. perhaps your being colder to him in front of them is just the social convention that is expected in that group, and he doesn't respond appropriately to it.

tweetopia · 2014-07-16T09:21:44+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2014-07-16T00:50:27+00:00

I'm sorry, but if someone rejects my SO, then they reject me. Especially after 5 years. I would say "Good luck with your marriage." and be done with them.

MrsStrom · 2014-07-16T01:07:04+00:00

There is no way in hell I would attend any function where my SO wasn't welcome. And there is no way in hell that I'd tell a friend her SO wasn't welcome. You need new friends.

boydeer · 2014-07-16T04:25:17+00:00

I'd say stop hoping for them to get along. It's not up to you to control how your friends feel about your SO. If they don't like him and he's staying in your life, then that's all there is to it. Tell your SO straight up why he can't go. If he is horribly offended, it is his issue.

The real question is whether or not you're going to go. If you stay home, you are missing out on a dear friend's big day. If you go without your SO, you will be able to enjoy it. Unless your SO asks you to choose between them, you won't be causing a divide by going.

I don't think your friend is being toxic. She is taking control of the day that is all about her, that she is going to be paying for, and she is supposed to enjoy. Decide upon what will make you happy, not upon anyone's emotional manipulation. Stay home or go, it depends on you.

SoftHarem · 2014-07-16T00:46:35+00:00

Fuck her. Stay home and let your boyfriend's Patriarchy wash all over you. In a few years you can send her a nice gift for her divorce.

MrsKittenHeel · 2014-07-16T01:34:23+00:00

Out of respect for yourself and your SO don't go. Yes she's an old friend, but she's showing that she's not really your friend in this. People change. And your SO, you spend much more time with him than your old friend. This is the relationship you want to preserve. You even admit yourself that their influence makes you act colder toward him.
He will be upset if you go and I wouldn't blame him. It's not ok. And respect of others SOs is important in these sort of invitations. Unless they got drunk and hit the bride or have a reputation of acting out at weddings, it unacceptable to not invite a SO that has been with someone as long as you have. Or like PhantomDream09 said if they aren't having SO's at all or only direct family.

If you go it will be disrespectful to your SO. It's saying you value them over him. It's saying you accept their judgement of him. And it's saying you don't respect yourself. That you'll let them make demands and not accept someone you chose, you love.
Send a crappy gift, and say you cannot come if he doesn't. Make sure to let them know that it's your decision, not his. And let them know that you are a package deal, that to be loving toward you is to be loving toward him and vice versa in them being hateful toward him. Let them know, hey I feel hurt that you don't respect me and my choices for this. I can't go where I'm not welcome, and make no mistake you aren't welcome if they aren't accepting of a relationship that brings you so much joy.

FleetingWish · 2014-07-16T02:16:41+00:00

"It's too bad you don't like my SO, because I absolutely am on his side and agree with him entirely, so I guess I can't attend your wedding either. So sorry."

2014-07-16T04:04:21+00:00

Do not go. This isn't necessarily the end of your relationship with your friend. In fact, I think if you want to remain friends, you are better off not going. Don't hold any grudges or anything. Do not try to say something snarky. Just don't go and the message is sent loud and clear (it sounds like they know that you intend to go now, but the change to not go after they told you not to bring your SO is clear enough). Just don't talk about the wedding. Don't ask about how it went.

The problem with going is that there will be a lot of awkward moments where people will ask you where your significant other is, or why you are a "single" at the party. You BP friends may try to use it as an opportunity for an "intervention" and talk shit about your man. And ultimately, you are probably going to come back more pissed off than you are going into it. What good can come out of going? If you don't bring your significant other, then the next event that your group of friends go to, she is going to ask if you can leave your SO at home again, because she set precedent here. Going will probably end your friendship for good.

Don't go. The next time you guys hang out, bring your SO and don't hold any grudges for this. Don't be angry at all. Give them a chance to reconcile. If they continue to be hostile, then you may have to reconsider your friendship with them.

2014-07-16T00:44:14+00:00

This was an incredibly cruel and childish move on your "friend's" part. She is essentially drawing a line in the sand and forcing you to pick sides. She could have handled this much differently. If she apologized and said that there's limited space, so only parents/grandparents/married couples can bring a +1 - then the entire situation would be different (of course, this only works if she actually follows through on that statement). Or she could have said that there are a limited number of +1's available, and they have been reserved for direct family. Instead, she flat out says that your SO is not welcome. If that isn't bad enough --- she insults your SO, your relationship, and your friendship by passing judgement and essentially saying that he is not good enough to be at her wedding. You are not important enough as her friend to deserve having the man you love be with you. She cares more about her petty politics and pretending to have the upper hand than she does about common decency.

Her behavior is beyond rude and is absolutely inexcusable. Now, your SO may think of this as a good thing - especially if he doesn't care for your friend, and if he doesn't like weddings...but that's not the point. If everyone else with an established relationship is granted a +1 except you - then you should be seriously questioning just how much she actually values your friendship.

If anyone pulled something like this with me, I'd simply smile, and politely inform them that I won't be able to attend. Skip the present, and send a "condolences" card instead of the traditional "Congratulations" one. (Ok, that last statement is a joke, but the thought of actually doing that would be enough to make perk up my mood haha!)

This woman is selfish and cruel. Ask yourself very carefully if you want to relent to her insane demands.

2014-07-16T06:03:15+00:00

In addition to all the solid advice here, I'd say the key thing to do is asking your man if he actually wants to go. At the end of the day, this whole this is probably a non-issue because chances are he would rather have a day or two to himself than fly out to some wedding where he anyways isn't wanted and is amongst BPers. If he doesn't want to go, then there's not even a problem.

Explain the situation honestly to your SO and trust his judgment. Either he will encourage you not to go since clearly you value your friend more than she values you (and you are at a far higher maturity level). Or he will just not give a shit and tell you to go if you want, but he won't be going. In which case you get to make your own choice. What you do not want to do is hide the information and try to decide for him.

Some further food for thought is that complying with your friend and showing up alone will communicate to your friend that you are willing to sacrifice your wants for hers. She will try it again and again - baby shower, same old shit. Second wedding... third wedding, same old story. Once you show that you will comply and do what she wants rather than walk away, she will do it more.

TempestTcup · 2014-07-16T01:06:09+00:00

Don't go. She is trying to control your personal life; don't let her. she is a toxic influence in your life. NEXT!

MrsKittenHeel · 2014-07-16T04:11:13+00:00

I would RSVP 'no' to the wedding and let bygones be bygones.

She is shit testing YOU.

DelphineSerafine · 2014-07-16T01:39:36+00:00

You don't go. Its one thing that they don't like your SO, but, as I have had to explain to many young-ish people (those in their early to mid twenties), there is such a thing as social etiquette. For the purposes of a wedding, or other formal event, where long-term couples tend to be invited together, you and your SO are considered a social unit. For someone to invite one half of the unit and not the other is basically not to invite the unit. You wouldn't take someone else as your +1, since that's weird for something like this, so, you don't go.

Its one thing if one of you can't make it, but this is another entirely. Send a card and that's it.

Ob1Kn00b · 2014-07-16T10:31:23+00:00

Tell your SO that this friend has decided that they aren't allowed to go to the wedding.

Then just stay at home with your SO, and involve yourself in cuddles/blowjobs/food/whatever else you do when you're having a lazy day off together. Bonus points if you make sure to make facebook posts about it during the middle of your BP friend's wedding.

JohnnK · 2014-07-16T04:22:04+00:00

How do I explain this to my SO?

By the sounds of it, he won't care in the least.

TRPsn · 2014-07-16T00:39:06+00:00

It sucks, and they kind of sound like judgemental assholes, but I also don't really know that much about any of you.
Pretty often in life, I say "Fuck it!" because I can't please everyone, so I please myself. Just fuck it. It's their wedding, it's their day, and they want you there. Go to the wedding, alone or being another girlfriend, and have a good time. Make it a girls night. I bet you your SO wouldn't be all that excited about going anyways. I hate weddings if I'm not there as a single guy.
When you have your wedding, invite them because they are their friends. Both of them. That day is your day, and you both can forget about it, or serve them a pile of shit each in place of their salmon. Fuck it! It's your wedding, do what you want!
All in all, it's your good friends' wedding. Go be a good friend. It's a way bigger deal to them than it is to you, and you can take whichever road you want on your wedding day cuz fuck it!! It's your fucking wedding day!
That's really all I got for ya. Good luck!!

little_red_ · 2014-07-16T01:42:53+00:00

You don't go. You choose your husband over all else. You and him vs the world. You guys are a team. Don't pick another woman over your husband, someone who is getting married should understand that, and if they don't, she's already getting ready to be divorced in a few years anyway.

gabilromariz · 2014-07-16T07:58:57+00:00

This is waaaaay worse than a breach of etiquette! It's not like they (groom and bride) would need to be with you guys more then two seconds if it came to that (Hi, thank you so much for coming! Gotta go say hi to everyone else, see you).

These are not the actions of a loving friend. BP or not, as your friend she owes you better than this. I would go find friends that respect me enough to either not invite my man with a little bit of grace or invite him as a respect to me, even if they didn't even say hi during the whole thing. Here are some tips for next time:

I'm sorry, only married people get to bring a +1, we can't afford everyone
Only family is bringing +1, space is tight
We're only inviting people that are our friends directly, no +1 for anyone
Etc etc etc

It sucks to be "in te middle" while trying to please everyone but this isn't a matter of picking sides. Pick your side, do what you think is right and don't let this friend decide for you. Even if you end up going, make sure it was your call, not you caving in to her

2014-07-16T22:15:16+00:00

Hello BP lurkers, please stop voting on comments. Everything was stable on this thread until it was linked to your sub. Respect the rules and don't comment or vote.

Thank you.

:0)

ColdEiric · 2014-07-16T12:45:20+00:00

Her marriage is her moment to show the world that she is the hottest woman. You are allowed to come, because you are her friend and that makes her a good person. But if you bring your RP SO, then she doesn't look so very good anymore, because her SO isn't as much as yours. And how dare you try to make her look worse!

MorePancakes · 2014-07-16T13:58:13+00:00

As all the RedPill Women and Men are saying here. Don't go. (RedPill Man here) I would not forbid my SO to go in this situation, but it would show such strong support and respect for her too decline as well.

topsul · 2014-07-16T00:39:48+00:00

If I were you, I would send a nice gift and not go. If my man isn't included, I wouldn't want to be a part.

I thought my college friends would all be my life long friends, but sometimes people go different directions. Then you realize they're a drain on you and not someone you want to associate yourself with. (Just one in particular I'm thinking of). Just be thankful that you won't be spending $190 on a bridesmaids dress for a wedding that won't last.

Why on earth did you ask if he could be your guest anyway? You either have an "and guest" or you don't.

Good luck with your decision.

TheSerpent · 2014-07-16T21:39:41+00:00

Show this post to your SO. Tell him that this is your dilemma. Let him decide. Let him know that I told you to do it and because I know what I'm talking about he'll agree and understand that it's better of if he is provided the information that you are struggling with so that he can decide.

TempestTcup · 2014-07-16T18:22:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	My RP SO is not invited to my BP friends wedding
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	19
Comments	78
Date	July 16, 2014 12:29 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2atb65/my_rp_so_is_not_invited_to_my_bp_friends_wedding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-rp-so-is-not-invited-to-my-bp-friends-wedding.165592 https://theredarchive.com/post/165592

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