Here is something that has worked extremely well for me in the last few weeks. It happened again today, prompting me to think about it and share my findings.

My wife has worked a lot on being appreciative over the years. I learned to accept her appreciation. Beginning my journey with MRP also prompted me to try something new, which actually worked better than accepting her appreciation: rejecting it. Not in a pig-headed way, and there are certainly times when it's appropriate to accept her appreciation ... but in the right way and at the right moment this can be another powerful tool.

Appreciation should be rejected when two conditions are met: (1) she associates the subject matter as her responsibility, and (2) it is actually your responsibility (OYS and all that).

If you helped her figure out a problem with her co-worker [not your responsibility], accept the appreciation. Good on you. Be happy with your praise, but don't expect it. If you took the car in for an oil change and she shows appreciation for being the type of man she wants to admire [she knows it's your responsibility], accept that praise like a champ and move on. After all, too much DNGAF is just going to ruin her fuzzies.

But that little word "me" in the phrase makes a difference: "Thanks for helping me with ___." It implies that she feels responsible for things and you stopped being passive and lazy and actually got something done for once. Her praise is actually somewhat insulting when you see it for what it is: "I'm in charge here. I'm responsible for this stuff, but got you to do what I wanted you to do anyway. I'll show appreciation so you are motivated to keep doing my bidding." You shouldn't be accepting praise you don't deserve, especially when there's subtext you haven't considered.

But what's more important than you rejecting praise you don't deserve is what she sees in the process: I married a man who's got his act together independent of me.


Here's a recent sample convo:

ME: [Pulled some weeds. Didn't mention it to her. She noticed anyway.]

HER: I saw you pulled the weeds. That really helped me out. Thanks!

ME: I didn't do it to help you. I saw weeds. I pulled them.

HER: What do you mean you didn't do it to help me?

ME: It needed to get done. I did it. That's all.

HER: [Puzzled look on her face.]

ME: [Go to grab a drink out out of the fridge.]

HER: [Slams fridge closed, presses me up against it and kisses me hard.]

Parallel events have happened 4 or 5 times in the last few weeks. Interestingly, for the last few days I'm not seeing that "me" even subconsciously implied when she shows her appreciation.


Why does this work? - I'm probably just guessing, but here goes:

  • When she sees that I get things done without her telling me to do it, the pressure goes off her shoulders, as she feels less responsible for sustaining our household. When this pattern becomes consistent and not just a once-or-twice kind of thing, she feels safe to relax her standards altogether, relieving lots of stress. See my previous post, Dealing with the stressed wife for more on that.

  • OYS is attractive. This sub has enough about that, so I won't elaborate.

  • When that "me" (whether spoken or subliminally implied) goes away, it's a sign that she sees you as a man she actually appreciates rather than a helper she manipulates with "words of affirmation" (per The Five Love Languages).

  • She sees that I'm not in it for her praise. If I'm not trying to get anything from her, the action is more authentic. Authentic men are attractive, and most women can spot a phony/manipulator with relative ease.

  • Rejecting appreciation is a sign of dominance. The type of appreciation I referenced (i.e. meets both rules) usually comes from a condescending place. However well-intentioned, it shows that they believe they have power and authority to validate you - that their opinion of you should matter to you. Flipping this on her probably has a subconscious impact on her condescension, making her look up at you instead of down.

  • Akin to the last point, rejecting validation from her shows her you don't need her, possibly having some impact on dread.

  • At a bare bones, if you won't accept her verbal appreciation, it's possible she may just be resorting to showing physical appreciation. In that case, I don't recommend rejecting it. After all, without being intentionally manipulative (i.e. you're just telling the truth without undermining yourself), she's responding to you with what you want. That's a good result in my book, even if her subconscious isn't entirely pure about it. After all, you'll never totally rid yourself of the hamster, so you've got to start accepting it at some point.