There has been tension building up in my relationship around sex. It's been happening since my unplugging. It hit somewhat of a impasse that I though I would share.

The stats: married 8 yrs, togther 12, 32yrs me, 31yrs her, 3 kids, 5'8", 176 lbs, 15% body fat, dread 6-7 (this shit sounds stupid, but lots of people tend to include it so why not)

The other night I was working an evening shift. At one point we are joking via text when this happens:

• me - make sure you're wearing something sexy when I get home as I haven't had the opportunity to do to you what I wanted this week.
• her - I think I'll be sleeping
• me - that would be a shame
• her - for you
• me - what would be a shame, is for one party to do everything within their power to repair a crucial part of a relationship while the other does very little and also fails to see the importance of this.
• her - (no response)

Part of me was thinking don't send shit like this, you can't negotiate her desire. The other part was saying that you're close to needing to make sure that she is aware of your disdain of your sexlife. I figured worst case, I'll stir some feelz up. So I sent it.

She works all weekend. So we see each other very little as I had plans on Saturday night. We still chat, kiss and shit in the times we did see each other. Nothing mentioned of that text. Then on Sunday afternoon she sends me a message saying "we should talk tonight after the kids go to bed".

I think to myself that this is a good opportunity to practice my subcommunication on a real issue. I prepare myself for the possible shit storm headed my way.

When she gets home from work, we have a typical night of dinner, flirting, played an hour of a video game we like, put the kids to bed and sit down to chill for 30 minutes before TWD. She then says:

• her - what did you mean by that text?
• me - what do you think I meant?
• her - what steps are you taking to fix our sex life?
• me - if you don't know, then it's obviously not working (said with a smile)
• her - I notice the changes

read - is this shit for real though

She then goes on about her low drive, what she has researched, female testosterone etc. She will never have a high sexdrive.

• me - so hypothetically, if we split and you got a new man, you would still have an LD?
• her - well that's different and they have studies to show this
• me - sure (said with a smile)

read - you don't really give me the tingles that I would get from a new LTR

She then goes on about me wasting my life with her, I deserve to be happy, she will never change. I have to leave her if I can't accept it.

• me - so what makes you think I want my kids to grow up in 2 households?
• her - they wouldn't have to
• me - so I could go out and fuck who I want and come home and climb into bed with you?
• her - no. I guess we would need separate beds
• me - you know that shit doesn't work right?
• her - then we would need to separate (she now has tears and a look of fear in her eyes)

read - I hate the thought of you fucking someone else and I really don't want to lose you

We basically leave it here and go on to watching Rick Grimes being the baddest mother fucker on the planet. Everything I said was said with complete indifference. When she gets up to go grab a snack, I follow her into the kitchen and give her 2 deep hard kisses and walk back to the living room.

The next day I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth. While I really like the way I handled her tests and read her body language, I'm pissed that I didn't get to convey the message I wanted to. She is texting me all day in a cheerful mood. Probably at a rate of 4-1. She worked evenings, so I killed it at home all night and was just wrapping up my night around 10 when she got home. She came in and I small talked for a couple minutes. She went over to the counter and I turned her around, put my arms on the counter to keep her in place and said in a very stoic manner:

• me - first of all, what you said about (something that she used as a hindrance for her attraction to me that I won't mention on the sub) is absolutely unacceptable. I will not tolerate it. If you ever say that again, I will lose every ounce of respect I have for you, which is a lot because I really respect you.
• her - ok
• me - secondly, I will try to fuck my wife whenever I want to. I will also try to fix my sexlife for as long as I see fit. Furthermore, I will not be told by my wife by ultimatum of when I will end my marriage. I will pull the plug on this if and when I want to.
• her - well that's not fair. What if you want to split up 3 years from now?
• me - then we split up 3 years from now. Do you want to split up with me?
• her - no
• me - then if I choose to end this shit, I'll end it when I want to
• her - ok

I then give her a very firm hug, a deep kiss and say "I love you". She responds with the same thing. I stare at her with that look of desire I have been working on so hard and go up to the bedroom.

She comes up with a bowl of ice cream. She eats it while she complains about the stupid people in her life. I laugh and make jokes about them aswell. When she finishes her ice cream, I say get down her and give me a kiss. She takes off her glasses and comes down. We kiss for 30 seconds and I slip my tongue in her mouth (the sign that she accepts my advance, we never kiss with tongues unless we are fucking). Some good sex follows. She then lays on my chest and chats for a bit with my load still in her. This has happened 4 times in a row now. (In a previous OYS, I said how she can't get my cum out quick enough). We then fall asleep.

Takeaways:

• Don't be scared to say something. In fact if you're scared to say it, it's probably something you really should say.
• Don't listen to what she says. Watch what she says.
• Set boundaries
• Frame is everything. Don't lose it, ever!