Been at this for a year. Married for 7. A few kids. Both of us mid thirties.

Wife just hired an atty and about to file.

Gave her the main event talk 2 months ago and it did not go well - obviously.

Here are my takeaways:

  • as many have said on this forum make changes sloooooowly. The best and only way to change direction of a horse you're riding is by continuing to go straight, and make small adjustments. If you're all of a sudden changing direction, guess what: the horse freaks out and throws you over - pretty much what happened to me.

  • these techniques work. I did get a LOT more sex for several months in a row during the past year and I improved a lot on my prior needy whiny approach.

  • frame is indeed everything. Add OI and you're there. And it could well be that as you build frame or rebuild it, your wife may decide not to be onboard - even if you slow play your new trump card. That's my case: looking back I gave up almost all frame when we got married, and made substantial life and career decisions to be with her, close to her family, giving up friends, hobbies - classic nice guy. Cue beta bitch so long and initial decision to marry from a weak, insecure frame ("I must get married, now is the time, I'll never find someone like her") and despite plenty gut instincts and flags and here we are.

  • indeed very careful if she's pregnant. Mine was 1 year ago when I started. Everything's amplified.

Looking back now, I know I screwed up in a few places and trust me YOU do not want to get to that TALK it's the most off putting thing you can do and it WILL nuke your marriage and make you look like a dick. Gives you huge self doubt. But you can't take time back, you must be ready to walk away and mean it, even after you screw up and she attempts to call your bluff.

Some things are not meant to be under your newfound RP awareness and you must power through. I prepared myself for this moment as best as I could (I met with attorneys as well in past 12 months to get the picture). In these tough times I tell myself "I made my bed, I lay in it". And she's welcome to get off the ship. I will build my frame and be a dad without a reluctant bitchy first officer.

Could I have avoided this? Sure. But something tells me that deep inside even if I transformed the heck out of myself, turned into James Bond, a marriage entered into under a very weak frame may just not be worth saving. It's like an old coat that just doesn't fit and look good on you anymore, patch it, tailor it and dry clean it all you will.

So co-parenting (and plates) here I come. Let's turn the page on this chapter.