Financial test

TrainingTheBrain · 2015-10-27T17:16:02+00:00

You're a tough guy via text? Real masculine dude.

You told HER to figure the meal plan out and she did exactly as you said. Maybe you should have prepared better so your wife didn't have to text you in the first place.

As soon as she said she was going to Whole Foods you should have just shut the fuck up and waited until you got home to explain to her that she could have gotten the same (or more) stuff for cheaper elsewhere.

Text isn't the place for laying down the law, it's fucking gay to even try.

nightdepartures1 · 2015-10-27T17:20:38+00:00

Based on this post, plus your first one (about the supermom article + rejection), I believe there is something much deeper and more important to address here than passing a financial test.

I'm concerned about a wife that would travel 60 miles and shrug off child responsibilities for "groceries". Are you sure there's nothing else going on? This sounds like a convenient way to establish a large block of time outside of the home with an alibi ("Look, I brought home food!"). Your wife might be having an affair, or thinking about one.

Also, your wife is in control. You might verbally come across as trying to be in command, but her actions demonstrate otherwise. She's the captain right now.

Archwinger · 2015-10-27T18:55:16+00:00

Where the hell do you live, where a simple trip to the grocery store requires hiring a baby sitter and trekking 60 miles away? That's dedicating at least 3 hours to the task of grocery shopping when you factor in driving. Probably more. Plus spending the extra gas, wear and tear on the vehicle, and paying the sitter.

The only time I would ever dedicate that much time, effort, and extra expense to such a routine, trivial, and mundane task would be because I'm fucking someone who lives a mile from the grocery store and 59 miles from my house. Or because I think it's hilarious when my dipshit loser of a husband tries to throw his weight around by giving me tasks, so I strike back by leaving for four hours. Your wife's letting you know, loud and clear, what she really thinks of your so-called leadership.

rurpe · 2015-10-27T17:14:08+00:00

You handled it poorly because you are trying to maintain frame via text messages. You are trying to logic your way into leadership. Stop.

you: "dont go to whole foods, it is a waste of time and money"

her: "Um why? WF has the best organic and gluten free options."

Then you stfu

When you get home, you can have a short talk about it while remaining on point.

dandar4600 · 2015-10-27T19:48:20+00:00

Meal plan for a fucking dinner? I've been married 13 years, the next time we prepare a meal plan will be our first.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-10-27T18:01:52+00:00

Great that you're taking control of the finances.

But a Captain doesn't swab the deck. The captain doesn't even tell the swabbies to get swabbin'. That's the First Mate's job.

So, she's bad with money. Put her on a budget. If she says it's not enough money to buy (groceries, etc.) then have her show you what money got spent where. Then you can discuss specifics of the decisions she is making.

If you set yourself up as the micromanager, it's going to piss her off and exhaust you. Then you're not going to be focused on the big issues facing your family.

alphabeta49 · 2015-10-27T18:36:42+00:00

Like TTB said, you fucked up this one by trying to do all that over text. Next time wait until you get home to confront. The damage is done, there's not reason you had to respond so immediately.

My wife is similar when it comes to eating healthy. She'll spend us out of house and home if I let her run loose with the food budget. $18 bags of 4 lbs of GF flour and $15 gallons of raw milk is fucking ridiculous, but she's so "healthy conscious" it would happen if I didn't prevent it. So I can relate. (Side note: Whole Foods openly jacks up prices for no good reason. Do you have a Trader Joes where you live? I would boycott WF. Don't ever go there again. Especially if its over an hour of drive time away. No. Fuck that.)

When my wife wants to go overboard like this, I've validated her desire. At least she's not "shopping" at McDs. "Hey honey, I really appreciate that you want us to eat healthy and you're sticking to such-and-such diet, but there are much less expensive options that are closer/cheaper. Don't go to WF anymore."

You're covertly contracting. You're trying to man up and "lead", but its not real leadership if you're expecting her to "housewife up" without coaching her how you want it done. You have a vision? Great. Share it. Verbally. As in, sit her down and, without judgement, explain where you'd like to go grocery shopping in the future. She's pushing back like you expected she would, but given the poor channel of communication I don't entirely blame her on this one.

itsgavinc · 2015-10-27T18:40:37+00:00

I understand texting is rarely ideal for anything besides logistical communication, but I was in a deposition and couldn't call her.

Frankly, there is nothing in your post that even warrants a response to her text. You've dug your own grave on this one by completely entering her frame. This conversation did not need to happen in any way, shape, or form. 1. Acta, non verba. 2. STFU. 3. Things get progressively better with further study.

wantonton · 2015-10-27T19:14:14+00:00

In this whole situation you are trying to lead from behind. It will never work. Issues I see:

How much heads up did you give your wife abut her needing to do the shopping? Did you really just tell her out of the blue to plan all the meals and obtain all the food on no notice? How did it get to such a last minute issue that you had to do that? You started from behind the 8 ball.
Your wife handled this like a boss. You blind side her with something and her response? Was it to bitch? No, Was it to cry. Nope. Was it to blow up? Nada? She's ok with it, she just asks you for more direction--what do you want to do about the meal plan?
Your response when your 1st mate asks for more direction as she should? You leave her on her own. No help from you.
You tell her to figure it out on her own, decline to give her any direction, then you act like a bitch when she, while managing TWO kids, plans all the meals, makes a list of what's needed, arranges child care gets herself to a store to do exactly what you told her to do. And why do you act like a bitch? Because she didn't magically follow the directions you refused to give her. Again, she is a boss and you are a bitch.

Right now, your wife is not the problem, you are. You need to develop yourself into a leader before you take over the household. And you have a lot of work to do. Yes, you should be the leader by default, but it sounds like your wife is because she knows what the hell she's doing. You have no right to expect her to defer to you when she's the better leader.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-10-27T19:31:49+00:00

Oh good Lord.

"Taking control" doesn't mean micromanaging every purchase. Think general direction of the ship. Let the crew attend to the details in their area.

I get the weird driving thing but that can't be handled by text.

cholomite · 2015-10-27T18:31:49+00:00

Other people have already given you great advice. My only tip is that whenever you're discussing anything important with her, always make sure you are holding a dominant physical frame. Things like, holding her in your arms, sitting up tall over her...etc. never discuss important family issues while sitting or behaving in a submissive way. You might have already known but just in case...

bogeyd6 · 2015-10-27T19:22:29+00:00

I understand texting is rarely ideal for anything besides logistical communication, but I was in a deposition and couldn't call her

You knew you were fucking up. You chose to continue anyways. Then nothing worked out for you. There really is no feedback other than your wife completely despises your leadership. Trying to fix it now that the bomb has exploded is kind of pointless. All you can do now is cleanup the bloody remains of your manhood.

PemBayliss · 2015-10-27T19:40:07+00:00

OP, you've received great advice here.

The only thing I'd add in case you haven't figured it out is that you never ever use texting to inform a wife of a major decision like "I'm taking control of the finances". Texting, email and even the phone are not the media for this kind of announcement. If you're going to lay down the law like this, you do it in person and you do it from a dominant frame (not domineering, dominant). You take the slings and arrows, you deflect them, and you address them in person.

ghostbrainalpha · 2015-10-27T22:53:41+00:00

I just don't like the "I'm taking control of the finances".

You are the man. You always had control of the finances. She wants you to be in charge (deep down).

Next time try being less angry and confrontational.

"Hey sexy, I ran the numbers and that just increases our grocery budget WAY TOO much, AND is too much work for you. Please find the organic section in a closer grocery store."

Or whatever words make sense for you.

Just remember women want you to decide. But NOBODY likes to be embarrassed, so you have to issue corrections gracefully.

Kosmoknots · 2015-10-27T19:25:34+00:00

Depositions? If you're a litigator, stick to your strengths. Oral arguments are not that far from managing shit tests, just as you shut down a line of questioning. However, txting isn't in a litigator's arsenal.

turbosympathique · 2015-10-27T17:49:42+00:00

I think it's time for you to lay down some ground rules.

If she is not responsive or outright dismissive ,dread her and plan an exit strategy. It look like she do not take you seriously. And she is trying to go against you like a rebellious child to test your limit.

In the long run you cannot be in a marriage with a person who hack your boat with an axe (financially) while you try to patch it up. Money is a serious subject. You know that, I know that and SHE know that!

Title	Financial test
Author	homo-homini-lupus
Upvotes	6
Comments	41
Date	October 27, 2015 5:08 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3qfxcc/financial_test/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/financial-test.200797 https://theredarchive.com/post/200797

Comments