Slap to the face

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February 9, 2018

32 year old, wife is 31. Been married for 7 years, dating forever. Since high school. One son, 4 years old.

Things have actually been better the past couple years. I started lifting in 2016. Added weight and muscle since then. I’m a lean guy, super high metabolism. Currently 160 5’9” probably 12-15% bodyfat. Or lower. One rep maxes - squat 240 DL 265 OH 115 row 185 bench 170. I get noticed when we go boating and my wife said to me over the summer she loves being seen with me when I’m shirtless. I’ve turned around an almost dead bedroom by lifting. My wife joined me and changed her diet and lost 40 lbs and looks the best she has in years. Sex is up and it’s good.

I’ve been working dread and abundance. her friends flirt with me. Hooked up outside the marriage. Don’t give a fuck. I’ve spent years loyal to my wife and it got me nowhere. I’m not playing anyone else’s game but my own from now on. I’m almost positive she’s cheated also and she admitted to it while we’re dating. I’d still like to be married to her. She brings value and I want a complete family for my son.

It’s been a stressful winter so far but only because I’m pushing us forward. I control all finances and recently financed a renovation of our kitchen and finished dozens of general updates of our house myself. Fixtures, electrical, painting, carpet, cleaning, organizing, trim pieces, doors, knobs, mirrors, vanities, etc.. Fit in a Caribbean vacation just before that where my wife was bitchy and generally sexless.. drank herself stupid most nights.

So last night we’d both worked out and had dinner and were sitting on the couch for a few minutes before bed. School of Rock was on the tv and my son was liking it. He was banging on a box like it was drums. My wife rescued this cat a few months back and he’s been a pain in the ass. Kid and him wrestle and play and he hurts the cat and the cat scratches him.. we’ve been trying to change the dynamic but my son let’s the cat go into the box and then closes it up and sits on it. Which I thought was funny.

It was almost bed time and I was going to take him up in a couple minutes. She starts yelling at him. Bedtime!! Bedtime!! Go to your room! Which only makes the whole process much worse. I calmly say hey, I got him I’ll take him up in a minute. I was enjoying hanging out with him. I told my son to chill out and leave the cat alone unless he wants to go to bed immediately. My wife springs up from the couch and slaps my face (not hard or a full slap, but hard enough) I was kinda stunned while she ranted about me overriding her parenting ability and demeaning her and that’s why our son never listens to her (he doesn’t listen because he knows she just yells threatens and never actually follows through).

I grab our son and take him up to brush teeth and go to bed. I lost frame here. He was still being a little shit even after I was trying to let him stay up later. I grabbed him roughly and he was crying.

I ended up putting on a nice shirt and going out with her crying and asking me where I’m going. ‘Anywhere but here’ was my response. She asked me to stay and not go but I just walked out and went and had a couple drinks. She never said sorry. Just acted like I was the one out of control.

Any thoughts on how I handled this? What would make of a slap like that? In an improving relationship. I’m not sure how to proceed today.

Post Information
Title Slap to the face
Author GonzoAnalyst
Upvotes 7
Comments 47
Date 09 February 2018 04:37 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy

You're not the leader.

You have a weird codependency that stems from the fact you've been together so long and each others' "one and only" that she doesn't recognize or respect your captaincy.

My wife, years ago, liked to surprise me. Jumping out, sayng "boo!!" when I was showering or otherwise preoccupied... but my response to being scared is to punch my way out.

I came so close to punching her multiple times before I sat her down and had a heart to heart about her not trying to scare me anymore because she was going to end up with a broken nose or jaw if I couldn't check myself in time. I have 100 lbs on her, I bodybuild and Muay/BJJ. I would destroy her physically without even being awake.

Your wife does not respect nor fear your potential.

That's the base error you need to fix.

But for now put a hard stop on ANYTHING physical. As in, "Do anything like that again, I'm gone. For good." Not negotiable, not even one more step down that path to physical assault.

We are adults. We do not strike each other. Period.

Now you have to work on your frame. WTF does she even consider it a fact that she can just walk up and slap your face because she doesn't like the words coming out of your mouth? That's your root cause analysis.

Map? Dread level?

She does not respect you. Why is that? And why do you tolerate it?

[–]johneyapocalypse0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

but my response to being scared is to punch my way out.

I almost killed my son as a result of that. :-/

Already hyper-vigilante so creaking floors put me on edge. Christ that was a scary moment.

You're not the leader...

Your wife does not respect nor fear your potential...

She does not respect you.


Why is that? And why do you tolerate it?

Million dollar question(s).

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy

Slapping, or any other form of physical violence, is a massive boundary. You don't screw around with that boundary. People go to prison, it can potentially be a massive deal and problem.

Apparently she thinks its ok to slap you. Not cool.

Personally, I think you handled it just fine. You removed attention and presence.

Today I would suggest sitting her down and in a calm voice tell her that she is not allowed to slap you or do any other sort of physical violence, or that's it. Draw a hard boundary. Get confirmation, and then go about your business. Be prepared to broken record if you have to.

[–]johneyapocalypse2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed it's a boundary not to be crossed.

For many people, likely most people, crossing that boundary is the result of an underlying current of strain, stress, resentment, or other ill feelings... building up over time.

Does that forgive the slap? No.

But the slap, this slap, is not simply a one-off at an acute point in time. It likely didn't just happen.

Something's been going on for a while.

With all the cheating between these two it's not terribly surprising. Not much respect on either side it seems.

My wife gets quite upset when I overrule her authority over the kids with my own... and usually it's after she's been thinking about it a while... but she hasn't slapped me.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, in all my years of marriage, I've never been slapped either.

[–]kendallb1831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What's worse, is the complete hypocrisy and ironic that she slapped him for not allowing her to do her parenting style.... that's exactly what the child should see, physical violence between parents... A+ parenting for her. I would have not only removed myself but also the child, and explained if she ever did it again it would be divorce with evidence she was physically abusive. 0 tolerance for that shit, but hey, she knows no consequences and knows he doesn't have the balls to actually leave if she treats him that was, even infront of his child.

[–]JudgeDoom692 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I grabbed him roughly and he was crying.

You transferred your anger and hurt over getting bitch-slapped by your wife to your son. You need to hold your frame and refrain from taking out your frustrations on your little boy.

Hitting is not acceptable, Ever. Removing yourself from the situation was a good response. Going drinking was not the best move, since alcohol will only weaken your resolve. Next time you need to remove yourself, go to the gym or a coffee shop instead.

You need to establish a very clear boundary that slapping is not acceptable and if it happens again you're out. If she crosses that boundary you need to follow through, or your word will be worthless going forward.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

My wife pulled that shit once. I pulled my arm back, made a fist, looked straight at her and said "If my reflexes take over, I will level you. Do not do that again." She never did.

[–]NevrEndr7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

When mine hit me for the 2nd time I instinctually grabbed her by the throat and pinned her against the wall, feet dangling and said "I could literally end your life right here. You will never do that again." I don't condone this. In fact I hated myself for doing it but there's no question that in that moment her respect for me increased exponentially. We've had no problems since.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I love you man. It is also a subtle suggestion not to date thick women.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you can’t pick her up over your head, she’s too big or your too small

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm the prize, so... it's all her fault... but wait, on MRP you say... goddamnit...

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

how old is your son?

does he complain when the cat scratches him?

does the cat like playing rough (mine does) or is he torturing the cat?

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, my youngest daughter chases the cat, pulls the tail, etc and sometimes get scratched, probably deservedly. Who does the cat like the most? Youngest daughter. Seems that rough attention is still attention.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not to mention that cats are BPD. They can go from being quietly petted to sinking their teeth into your flesh.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Getting bitch slapped is fun especially by a woman you settled for and with years

Amazingly, you kept your cool and went to chill, good idea.

On the other hand, fag boy, you are not operating in your frame by putting yourself in a position to be slapped.

My wife wouldn’t even think about it. Very rarely do I come across anyone that would.

It’s all in your confidence and how you carry yourself. Aka living and operating in your own frame.

Their is a great book in the sidebar called The Way of the Superior Male. Read it

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

You failed to support her assertion about bedtime, disrespecting her in front of the kid, undermining her ability to parent. It was passive aggressive and stupid parenting. You also supported mistreatment of the cat, sending a passive aggressive message about your disapproval of the pet.

You were passive aggressive. She responded with physical aggression.

She's the man. You're the woman. I like her already.

Fuck off with the passive aggressive victim bullshit. You set the tone. She's just following your lead.

Read WISNIFG and some books on parenting. Otherwise, I suggest taking the beating like the bitch you are.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Long term, you have family management work to do. She and you need to learn how to handle kids, especially difficult ones. You need to learn how to lead by example, how to show a unified front (even if it involves some gymnastics to show her she is being a shit and you'll deal with her later), and help your kid improve themselves through positive reinforcement in addition to negative.

Short term, I don't know if you have had incidents like the slap in the past, I'm guessing yes. You need to figure out your boundaries and enforce them. No Monday morning QB here, you need to have clear expectations that she understands. "Everybody gets one", i.e. if for some reason she didn't realize this is inexcusable, now she should know.

The key to frame is not for you to now go moping around the house sighing like you are trying to inflate a bouncy house. Don't wait for her apology either. Read my post about apologies. You only need her apology if you care about what is in her head, which you don't. What you do care about is only keeping people in your life who aspire to give more value than they take and are willing to stay within your boundaries. Everyone has different boundaries, find yours.

If this is a no-go for you, and you haven't enforced it in the past, no biggie, it is a teachable moment. I would inform her in no uncertain terms that this is a boundary and what the consequences of crossing it will be, and mean it. Just like children, empty threats are worse than having no boundary at all. DON"T MAKE EMPTY THREATS. If this is not a boundary, i.e. if she does it again you will still stay with her, still do all the nice things you do, etc. then that is OK, not ideal, but acceptable. At least you are honest with yourself. Take this as motivation to improve yourself to the point where she does what you want her to do, which includes treating you with more respect.

tldr: Men have things that are desires and boundaries. Everyone is different, but you NEED to know where the lines are for you and act accordingly. If she crosses a boundary and you don't react, then it wasn't truly a boundary was it? She should know which is which as well. With time you will hope that more of your desires are met. From day 1 your boundaries should never be crossed. You are free to move the lines at will, just make sure the OVERT contract is 100% clear.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude... she beat you down like a bad dog. There is no respect here at all for you. First RP lesson. Second RP lesson; Women never apologize- rarely. Certainly not to beta men. Third RP lesson: Briffaults law - women control or try to control the family structure - especially for beta guys Fourth RP lesson: Female solipsism- she is right, you are wrong because vagina. Fifth RP Lesson: Female manipulation tactics.. she hit you and is now the one crying. Sixth RP lesson- you need to know domestic violence laws in your country/state... you especially need to learn them as you part of the silent male majority that is being abused. Not saying to play the victim card, but learn the law. Learn when it's appropriate to call the cops. If you called them now, and she crying you may have been the one going to jail. Know that we live in a misandrous society that always blames men for DV.

You must set boundaries now and be prepared to enforce them... even to the point of divorce. Don't let your kids grow up around domestic violence.

[–]Reach180Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

She brings value

Read your post history. I don't see many examples of this.

any chance a half-hearted slap is her way of trying to push you into killing the puppy?

[–]maxofreddit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Get the New Kid By Friday book and apply it to both your kid, and your wife.

When I first started my MRP journey, I actually made it a game for myself to be on top of stuff before my wife had a chance to get bitchy about it. Bedtime? When I got that first little feeling of, “He should go to bed,” i’d do it. I had to stop myself from thinking “we’re having fun, 10 more minutes will be fine” because that’s my default setting. But it stresses HER out because if SHE has the say something, that means, in her mind, you don’t have it handled.

Shakespeare’s play The Taming of the Shrew, is an amazing examination of this.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She hit you. Yeah that's not normal. She lost absolute control of herself and that is unacceptable. Even still these are symptoms of something. I don't normally jump on the wimmen are bitches fan club, but sure seems like she flipped a switch. This needs to be dealt with.

Still let's explore the things you can control. The things you asked.

I control all finances and recently financed a renovation of our kitchen and finished dozens of general updates of our house myself. Fixtures, electrical, painting, carpet, cleaning, organizing, trim pieces, doors, knobs, mirrors, vanities, etc..

Sooooo what value is your wife adding here? You've done absolutely nothing to make her your FO. Where is this dynamic? you've taken over and have done nothing to show her what you want and expect of her.

So what is it you expect of her and what have you done about it? Seems like you have completely taken over because she can't hack it. That then makes me question the value you say she brings.

She has not only just lost control but she has lost agency in the relationship. jackten goes into great detail here about the concept, but this is what is calling to me.

I am also stuck on the report you are saying sex is good, but on a vacation nothing? She was drunk the whole time? Where were you? what were you doing? Your relationship is a reflection of you.

In an improving relationship. I’m not sure how to proceed today.

So I read through your post history. Not much there other than comments and one other post a year back...which almost reads like this one without the face slapping. I have doubts about your improvement. After taking control of everything you stopped. You are holding right there.

Lurking gets you no points. You haven't fully engaged.

My guess is that you started getting into shape. Realized some very early successes, which is a sign she is into you. She also started going to the gym. Again she is in to you and into the relationship enough to work. She just doesn't know what that means since you are doing everything.

You might also want to look at this this aspect. Where your dread is increasing so rapidly that she is now insecure. She knows you are ahead. She sees the looks, her friends have likely made comments. Women talk. She knows she is slacking but probably has no idea what to do.

Proceed how you want. Just don't wonder why it's happening. Understand fully what you are doing otherwise you are just playing with dynamite.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My wife continually undermines whatever I say In Front of the kids.

Wierd I have never slapped her. Maybe I should?

One thing is for sure. If my wife ever hit me she would be needing the hospital seconds later and I would be in jail.

[–]dandar46000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just acted like I was the one out of control.

You both were. You put the kid up against her and undermine her at the same time. No wonder she's pissed. Her slapping you for that in front of the kid is also fucked up. Both of you as parents should be putting up a unified front.

Honestly, I'm sorry for the kid.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Steel already said it, but you need to fix the physical boundary issue right now.

Ill skip over the 10 other fuck ups because with no context it is hard to advise

IDK what it is with people these days but if you hit someone, you better expect to get hit back.

My kids dont even pull that shit.

“I dont know why you thought it was acceptable to slap me last night, but you better never raise your hand to me again. Clear?”

Dont wait for an answer. It is a rhetorical question. And walk away. Make sure your “dont fuck with me again” face is on during the delivery.

Then hate fuck her that evening.

[–]RedPill-BlackLotusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can't hit your wife back if she hits you man, what if your rolling the tren. You will take her head off.

[–]FlyingSexistPig-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

What do you think is going on in her head when she slaps you?

She's completely lost control of the relationship. She can't make her son do anything at all because he knows that she is weak. You don't respect her, and your son doesn't respect her because of it.

Next time she does it, turn her over your knee and spank her. She's being a child, and she should be treated like a child. I don't know if I'm joking or not. I'm casting around for some way to make this not a shitty situation all around.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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