Okay, folks. I posted something in a SteveMcQueen thread the other day that I think has been deleted, but it got me wondering.
I am about six months into my MAP. Body is getting there (SMV's have switched places), attitude is not needy/whiny, I have developed some of my own hobbies and social networks, taken proactive steps to fix the house, dress better, etc. Clean my personal areas and generally less of a slob, doing my own laundry and now cooking a little, dropped the fast food and soda pop along with the weight. Earnings are good, we have plenty of income/savings.
Things I need to work on: Manage spending/budget, Get off the youtube when I work at home, time management for work. I would like to find ways to get her to benefit from my social networks, to add value to her life. Finally, I need to stop being a dumbass who forgets things he is told or fails to follow-through on commitments. Little stuff like yes, I will sanitize hands for the youngest when we leave the library. Yes it's a little compliancy but to commit and forget is even worse.
The big problem is leading.
Stay at home, homeschooling mom is clinging to the driver's wheel as if her life depended on it.
We've got a lot of history and issues. I went redpill rambo last August, ended up out of the house for two weeks.
Now she is totally frigid and rejects every form of intimacy, tells me she has no feelings for me, doesn't want to celebrate our anniversary, etc. I'm fine with this in the "silent treatment is a gift" way, but it's awfully hard to be fun/happy when you are rejected in every way.
I know a lot of people here would say next. I am not asking for advice on that decision. Six months into my MAP and taking stoicism seriously, I have a pretty "so what" approach to sex. I'd take it, even pursue it, but I don't NEEEED it for validation the way I did six months ago. I know I could go get it in the world reasonably easily, which somehow makes me not NEEEEED it. Seeing the older kids distrust or appear to hate me is hard, but some of that I caused, and that would get much worse in a divorce.
She tells me that she is tired of living with a sword hanging over her head. (Meaning, I could leave at any time.) When she says this I STFU and try to change the subject. I know she wants me to say "oh honey, I LUVVVV you I PROMISE To never leave you", but it's a trap. She'll say she has no reason to believe me, that past experience proves blah blah blah blah blah.
I'm not interested in getting in conversation traps.
Here's my question:
I want to ask, out loud "You know what you need to do to keep me here. It is consistent with your wedding vows and our faith. You don't, can't, or won't do it. Each of us has limits on what we will tolerate. Who put the sword there, again?"
This is not BluePill victim puke, I don't think. Nor can I find a way to explain this with actions. She seems to interpret everything in the wrong way. It could be a borderline thing - all her actions seem to be designed to get me to leave, yet she is scared that I will leave.
Anyway, I'm thinking of dropping that phrase out loud, then not pursuing follow-up conversation. Just let it hang out there. It seems to violate acta, non verba, but this is not week 1 of my MAP, and honestly, my wife is pretty masculine at this point.
Does dropping these words seem like a good idea ?
They are what I want to do and they don't seem to me like the kind of whiny, needy, statements I would have made six months ago. I expect she'll interpret them as a threat, to which I will reply "well, that's no different than what you thought last night when you complained about the sword, right? I just wanted to get the record straight."
Then I exit stage left to go do something else.