What comes next?

Riding_Officer_CCI · 2016-03-21T05:59:30+00:00

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Record everything

Particularly- time spent with your son, your financial input to the household, and any further 'threat' conversations with her. Others may advise you to lawyer up- I've not enough experience to suggest spending that much cash.

No matter what she says or does, do not move out of YOUR house - possession being 10/10ths of the law etc.

Dante Nero (of the Beige Phillip fame- disciple and friend of Patrice) had a good bit about a divorce threat- essentialy:

Should she ever bring up leaving you again, you give her a 'trial run' at being without you- that is, stop any and all work you do by virtue of being a husband. She can: clean, POL and service her own car, cook and clean up after herself, spend her evenings alone, etc etc. Basically, friend zone the shit out of her. Be civil but distant and let her know this is all she gets if she leaves. Continue being the best dad in the world.

tl:dr - the very worst thing you can do is appease or chase her if she's threatening to leave out of boredom. Prepare for war

Alpha-Gator · 2016-03-21T05:55:28+00:00

I don't like a goddamned bit of this. There's zero frame to be seen here.

So according to her words, I have a month to become attractive enough to stimulate some tingles.

In other words, you have one month to complete what most men can't in a year, because she wants you to. You want to do this, "not for her" as you say, but for the sake of the marriage. I say this: fighting for her to stay is the exact opposite of what will give tingles. And I ask this: why do you even want her to stay?

she still 'daydreams' about the other guy.

Have you considered the sunk-cost fallacy in weighing your options here? It doesn't matter how long you've been married, do you really want to spend your life with a woman who behaves like this? If she's not fucking him already then I'd be willing to bet she's been getting ready to move her overnight bag to his place pretty soon. She'll come back for the rest later.

I say you're on the right track of improving yourself, but to hell with her. Tonight, right this fucking second, get a plan together for self-improvement and start on it. Then, start getting your shit ready for a divorce. Talk to a lawyer in the morning. Over the next month, these should be your only concerns. In a month, she will hear no emotion or argument from you when she wants to leave. Adios.

Put this woman at the back of your mind. You're at the back of hers.

Gator

Sepean · 2016-03-21T07:58:10+00:00

I see way too much worry and anger, and too little optimism and upbeat energy.

You focus way too much on her. I think you're living in her frame. Maybe you're even under the illusion that she values your attention, when in reality it just demonstrates low value and lack of options, and that turns her off.

Improve for your sake. Get ready for the dating game after she leaves, you'll rock it. Do fun and awesome stuff (without her of course).

Don't argue with or explain. There is nothing you can say that will make her stay, only how attractive she finds you matter and there is nothing attractive about arguing. "You're not staying" and "you don't have to like it" should be fine for most arguments.

Maybe she won't want to jump off a moving train (it might be going somewhere exciting) and she'll extend the deadline. Maybe she'll leave but come back. Maybe she'll leave, and then you'll find a girl that is better for you and your son. It will work out well, and the less you obsess over her the better it will work.

IASGame · 2016-03-21T09:29:56+00:00

You are not doing any of this for yourself. You have to be your own mental point of origin. Not your son. Otherwise she can just use him as an hostage of sorts (and she probably will).

You have little to no outcome independence. You can't control her actions. Let her go, and maybe she will choose to stay. Chase her and you will certainly chase her away (even with the excuse that it is for your son, legitimately or because you are rationalizing it).

Ordinary_Gentelman · 2016-03-21T12:44:03+00:00

You have one thing that most don't get.

You know where you stand with her. Most don't find out until they are in the hospital ready for life or death surgery.

You do you. You can't can't change her nor negotiate her desire.

They say MRP doesn't always save the marriage but it saves the man. Keep on the path. You and your son will be better for it.

over60_stupid_loner · 2016-03-21T14:23:10+00:00

Captain you are getting a lot of shitty advice here from noobs that seem to know much less than you. You need to check for flairs and history of how long an advice giver has posted. I am out of time for now.

PemBayliss · 2016-03-21T15:47:38+00:00

I'm going to just speak to the "wife daydreams about another man" part.

That's on her, and is on her to address and deal with. Her keeping another man in her mind/heart is her choice, and her issue/problem to solve. You're doing all you can. There isn't any way to "combat" this. You're already doing what you can do. She's choosing a fantasy over the reality that is in front of her.

I also think that there very well might be more to this than just "daydreaming". You really should do some sleuthing and surveillance to see if there's more than just 'daydreaming'.

So according to her words, I have a month to become attractive enough to stimulate some tingles.

No. This is the wrong way to think about this. You're past that point now. This is now her choice on keeping a "daydream" in the forefront of her mind.

Ordinary_Gentelman · 2016-03-21T16:11:06+00:00

I just re-read your backstory....15 days ago.

So here we are on her timeline still. 15 days. This can't be fixed, repaired or even back on track in 15 days but you can start being more confident. Which is huge in getting out of her frame.

Look..she is still dictating. IMO this is a huge indication that you are still solidly more concerned about her then you are about you and your son. I get the whole wanting a family for your kid. I get that I do. BUT there is something to be said that if this isn't possible then being a better man will go a long way. Him realizing that you don't put up with shit will speak volumes for his future. You dealing with a harpy will hurt him more.

Look at your post here. She, she, she, she...her, her, her.

I don't know if your marriage is savable and it probably isn't based on the last 15 days. I mean by now if you were really working on this you should be showing some backbone. Some guys succeed after the wife cheated but it takes solid frame and a true IDGAF attitude. But dude....you need to man the fuck up. Stop wallowing. Realize right now she stopped being a wife. Utterly and completely. So the willingness to walk has been decided. from where I stand the thing you have to decide now is the willingness to exist without her. And exist happy, better, and stronger then ever.

Oddly this is a core of MRP. Existing not BECAUSE of your wife but WITH. If they decide to leave your life doesn't fall apart and you are living on an ultimatum. What relationship survives an ultimatum?

Oh..wait while all this deciding is going on what is she doing? Prepping to leave? On your dime? You and your son's time?

See where I am going here? I don't believe in no win situations. But there are some things you need to work on quick fast and in a hurry. Sex won't solve this. You, sir, need to find your ball sack and put it back on.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2016-03-21T19:00:17+00:00

The short and sweet...she laid down the ultimatum. No matter what you do, no matter how good a captain, no matter how much you improve from now until then, she will see it as something you did because she played the divorce card. The saying here goes the one who has the power in the relationship is the one who needs the other the least. She has said she doesnt need you at all. Thus, she has all the power.

By all means improve anyway. Prepare yourself for the road after. Get OI and develop your IDGAF attitude, because you will likely need it.

A final note, and this is going to sound shitty but just check yourself. Make sure your attitude of doing whatever is best for your son...including staying with a wife that doesnt respect or follow you and is looking to branch swing, is actually internally what youre shooting for...and not some act of heroic falling on your sword for your son so the world gives you brownie points. Often coming from a BP perspective we hang onto these heroic showings as something we'll fight for no matter what, and miss the reality that maybe things will be fine without us taking a bullet or that the world really doesnt care if you take the hard road and self sacrifice.

the_Zambony · 2016-03-22T12:26:27+00:00

My biggest Achilles heel is STFU and maintaining frame.

In the face of a separation/divorce, look up "The Healing Heart - the 180" as a way to deal with disconnecting from your stbxw.

other guy is just in her daydreams, how to I combat that?

This is referred to as the "affair fog." Your wife has been getting dopamine hits/rushes from this other guy. It acts the same as a drug addiction. The other problem is that most affair partners are viewed within the context of a fantasy world they have created that is so removed from the reality that is you, the day to day drudgery of married with children, where as the affair is a secret escape from all that. Only way to get her out of the fog is complete separation from the other guy, so the effects of the dopamine can fade away. It may take weeks/months (in some cases it is years before the euphoria of the affair wears off) and there may be relapses. It is an addiction, it should be treated as such.

Look up 'dopamine vs oxcytocin' and 'the lover - provider dichotomy' for some insight on what you are dealing with.

Record everything

This would include a log and/or calendar to keep track. As long as you record time/dates with each entry should be good enough, but consult a lawyer. Also a high quality voice activated recorder kept on you would also be a help. Again consult a lawyer about recording laws in your state. Some are one party consent, some are two party.

Good luck.

dandar4600 · 2016-03-21T14:59:31+00:00

You know allot of problems tend to be nonexistent if you just fuck her good. I know it sounds like such a crude and stupid thing to say but that is what I have observed lately in my marriage. I've unplugged a while back so she's very receptive to my initiation. It's just that with a new baby and heavy lifting 4 times a week I've been tired and slipping at taking care of my shit, namely taking my wife to the pound town.

Sure your wife wants to leave but that's cause she was no longer attracted to you and you haven't made her cum in a while so no pair bonding effect. You're getting attractive, show her what you can do now. Read sgm if you haven't already done so and get dominant with that slut of yours. Just make sure she knows you love her after its all over and she might just move back to your master bedroom.

Really this sub is about making your women rediscover attraction to their husbands. What good is it if you don't act on it?

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-21T15:46:20+00:00

I would spend some time reading the DB reddit and watch "War of the Roses" to prepare yourself.

whinemoreplease · 2016-03-22T00:45:18+00:00

jesus. the lack of self respect should disgust yourself.

kick the unappreciative bitch out already.

RPAlternate42 · 2016-03-22T17:12:42+00:00

I told her yes, and it's interesting that she still wants to leave even though she has no steady job and she knows it will not be the best for our son. Basically, there's no good reason I could see, and certainly not with such urgency.

Logic? You seem to understand, at least on the surface, watch she does, not what she says. She talks about a lot of moving, but isn't getting ready to do so in any appreciable way. Ignore this nonsense until she starts packing. Then you can help her pack.

I take responsibility for being a drunk captain and bringing us to this situation. I also take responsibility for doing whatever I can to fix it, not for her, but for my mission, which is to be the best father I can be and give my son the best possible life.

Then stop worrying about your wife. She is constantly demonstrating low value to you. If this is all for your son and as a father, then your wife shouldn't factor into this at all.

Saturday, she moved to the guest room upstairs. She says in a month, we can reassess who will move where.

Your attitude, from now on is, WE won't be deciding anything. Look, she is moving into the guest bedroom. She isn't being a wife... but a roommate. Roommates pay rent.

I suggest getting your shit in order, hiding finances, squirreling money, and seeking legal representation if and when the time comes; she is already posturing to take your house. Start logging her every day actions. Moving into the guest bedroom is something that should be logged.

I am repeating STFU to myself in my head a lot.

Try thinking, say only what is important. Remember, don't talk, speak.

Assuming the other guy is just in her daydreams, how to I combat that?

You don't, directly. And trying is mate guarding.

Also, I know that the leverage point is being willing to walk away. And right now, I'm not.

Your post is basically, "how to improve frame." This sentence right here is the basis of your frame. You are saying, I'm dependent on her. As long as you are, your frame doesn't exist.

"Walking away" is just a phrase-fill for not caring if she is around. You won't be walking anywhere... she is already leaving your bedroom, so she is walking. You should have no regrets because she is a bitch doing bitchy things. Sure you were a drunk captain, but she's still your wife, looking for strange dick.

And she is.

I'm guessing sex doesn't happen and isn't happening. So internalize this, now:

Monogamy is sexual exclusivity for sexual access.

If she offers no access, she deserves no exclusivity. She's looking for strange dick, checking out, moving to a different room, and you are sitting in here rationalizing her behavior through the lens of I was a drunk captain. Stop defending and rationalizing her behavior.

What you need is abundance. You don't feel like you can attract her, and because you seem so emotionally dependent on her, you probably don't feel like any woman can be attracted to you. That's because your mission is her and the marriage. I'll say it a thousand times more, this year:

RP IS ABOUT YOU. NOT YOU. NOT THE MARRIAGE. BUT YOU

Just because we call it "married red pill" doesn't mean its for fixing marriages, it means its for fixing you and developing a sexual strategy for you within the context of the marriage environment. But the sole purpose of MRP is to develop a sexual strategy for you. Your wife may get the good parts of that... but its not a guarantee.

MRP IS ABOUT PRACTICING TO BE SINGLE IN THE EVENT THAT YOU BECOME SO.

Stop trying to do things to fix the marriage and attract your wife. Instead, think about everything you do as, "will this help me fuck other women?" Find your litmus test for this and test in once in a while.

I have a litmus test: I drive for Uber on Friday and/or Saturday nights some weekends. Driving for Uber, in addition to being a great way to hear and see direct RP truths, is a great way to interact with single girls who are looking for strange dick or going home from a failed night of finding strange dick. IN either case, they are single, dickless, and in my car; basically sexual litmus paper.

The best gauge with how I'm doing, RP wise, was how those women interacted with me. Single, inebriated women are easy. The sober ones are more difficult. Girls with boyfriends on a couples date are more difficult still. A girl with boyfriend is moreso still. A married woman even more so (but also not, sometimes) even with her husband present.

So I started Uber about 6 months post RP. My body was pretty tight (much tighter now.) My frame was developing. Immediately I'm getting, "oh, he's cute, huh?" "um, no, no, I'm going to sit up front with the driver." Sometimes I'm being swolested: arms, shoulders... 3 weeks ago a girl went from arms to chest and started rubbing my nipples (which was fucking difficult to deal with.) Her friend was (pretending to be) appalled, and then started grabbing my arms too.

By the way, when did it become acceptable to molest a driver while he's driving?

I've been invited into homes of girls. I was once invited into a house for "dinner" at 2am by a girl who told me her boyfriend (who owned the house) wasn't home.

A married woman with her husband asked, "is this car fast?" (It's a 2014 Focus ST... so it can be fast if I want it to be. "Would you like it to be?" "yes." So I floored it and got it up to 115 (open, empty road, no traffic... I'm not stupid.) She immediately is excited... and says, "I should have sat up front!" Remember her husband is right next to her. Then she can't stop talking about driving fast. Then she drops this on her husband: "We can drop you off and I'm going to keep driving fast with him." Husband lost his shit, thankfully at her (I was worried about some BP mis-directed anger nonsense towards me.)

I've gotten numbers on multiple occasions, unprompted.

Every interaction is a new reference for where I am and what to improve. I then balance that against every interaction with my wife.

Your problem is that you aren't confident in how other women will find you. You can throw your "father" and "son" excuses all day... the fact is that you are emotionally dependent on your wife for validation of your self worth. You need to stop that, but quick.

JuniperSunshine · 2016-03-30T00:31:00+00:00

Would it be possible to get her to read "First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors" by Laura Doyle? That book is just fantastic.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-21T15:42:00+00:00

Saturday, she moved to the guest room upstairs.

Women will try to force you out of your bed but they rarely move out of their bed unless they are getting the D elsewhere. Emotional my ass.

I know that the leverage point is being willing to walk away. And right now, I'm not.

You don't have to be willing to walk away. You do have to be willing and able to attract and fuck strange if your wife is not supplying it. The ONLY way she will "get over" the other man is if she sees there is more to lose by leaving than staying.

Title	What comes next?
Author	-TheCaptain
Upvotes	3
Comments	55
Date	March 21, 2016 4:43 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4bayby/what_comes_next/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/what-comes-next.207579 https://theredarchive.com/post/207579

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