Examples of vulnerability?

Kara__El · 2019-02-17T18:50:07+00:00

I had a really bad day at about five months of dating my husband, much of it due to financial troubles. I was working half time as a librarian and substitute teaching 40 hours a week and it never seemed to be enough. I had my MLIS and I still couldn't get full time (libraries are extremely competitive). A lot of car trouble was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I called my husband crying and when he realized I wasn't about to ask him for money (it literally never occurred to me), he was unbelievably sweet. Despite being in another state, visiting family, he decided to cut the trip short, just to come see me a day earlier than he'd originally planned. I never asked for anything, but comfort and when he realized that all I wanted was him, he dropped everything for me.

I think these moments are the moments of vulnerability to which most of us refer. The heavy stuff, like childhood stuff, will come up organically, in bits and pieces.

Zegiknie · 2019-02-17T18:09:31+00:00

I don't think you should set out to have the "I had a hard childhood" talk. That looks as if you're trying to gain sympathy or get something done.

But if it comes up, or if he asks, don't smile and put on a brave face, be honest. Be real. Share relevant information, don't dwell on it hoping for a chance to show off how vulnerable you are.

It's about showing your weak underbelly, not about shoving it in his face.

floralay · 2019-02-17T18:10:29+00:00

There is no need to reveal your deepest fears and past traumas so early. Wait until some trust has been built. In the earliest period of dating you are still virtually strangers to one another and people have their best faces on.

Regarding being vulnerable, here are two examples. The first is being closed off while the second is showing vulnerability:

“Why did you get home late? You told me you would be here by 6pm so we could have dinner together!”
“It hurts my feelings when I prepare a nice meal for you and you come home late. I was hoping to spend some quality time together.”

vspookygirl · 2019-02-17T21:41:07+00:00

I grew up mostly homeless. I was living on my own by the time I was 16. My mom was also an alcoholic. I feel for you.

Personally, I think the best strategy is to not necessarily bring it up but let it come up. I wouldn’t plan to have a sit down conversation about how your childhood was, but instead let it come up naturally. When he asks questions, answer honestly. That’s being vulnerable in this situation.

As a whole, I think the best form of being vulnerable with a man (captain or new relationships alike) is bringing your problems to them and letting them help you. So maybe if you and your mom have conflict or you’re going through something you need help with, ask for it. If he asks a question that makes you want to put up a wall, work on resisting that and be open and honest instead! Even when it’s tough. You’ve got this!

JanuaryArya · 2019-02-17T18:00:53+00:00

I can’t fully answer this question, but for me being vulnerable would be like saying “ I like you, I want to be in a committed relationship with you.” You are being vulnerable, well, because he might say no.

I’m not saying to hide past hurts or experiences that shaped you, but that’s a different topic for me than run of the mill vulnerability.

RPW, please correct me if I’m wrong!

thatmom397 · 2019-02-17T19:17:01+00:00

I’m glad you asked this, OP, because I’ve had trouble visualizing vulnerability when it’s been brought up on other posts here.

How does a woman show vulnerability when she basically leads a charmed life and is cheerful, productive, and happy with herself and her life, except for her lack of a SO? I’m thinking my daughter might examine herself in this regard, and see if this is why no one actually falls for her. She might also be at a disadvantage with this, because we come from a cultural/religious tradition where handling your emotional crap privately and keeping a tight lid on it is strongly encouraged. Where’s the line between attractive vulnerable woman and needy hot mess?

I’m thinking, too, that even a feminine, attractive woman with her life together might be incorrectly assumed to be a feminist because she fails to convey vulnerability; however, I just can’t conceive of what that looks like.

I’d love to hear more examples.

keto-tx-gal · 2019-02-17T18:22:00+00:00

I’m only going by personal experiences here. For me, being vulnerable is expressing consistent, genuine concern over one’s wellbeing through actions, not words. It is far, far from being damaged or emotionally broken.

For example, I always meet the guy at the chosen destination on first dates. I don’t let them pick me up from my house. I won’t explain in details with them and if the guy press for an answer I stop responding back. I don’t need to clarify, “well, I don’t know you very well and I don’t want to put myself in any awkward situation where I have no vehicle to leave.” Believe me, I promise they know why.

You don’t need to share your abusive, alcoholic family on first date, not even second dates. If he asks, sure, say a few things but I wouldn’t go on and on about how it scarred you. No man wants to pick up your broken pieces.

I honestly feel being vulnerable and having boundaries goes hand in hand. I mean why do we draw boundaries? It’s because we don’t want to be hurt while knowing it’s possible the other person may not respect and potentially criticize my boundaries.

But this is just my opinion.

Big_Return · 2019-02-18T12:39:47+00:00

You have to read this https://markmanson.net/vulnerability/amp

JackSkell0255 · 2019-02-17T20:09:28+00:00

I would wait for a moment in which your past is relevant to the current situation at hand.

I am of the mind where it makes sense to just leave negative past experiences in the past. When effects from the past bubble up into a current situation, then you can choose to selectively disclose aspects of your past that affect the current situation.

I never overshare a past item that I cannot trust that person with. If they are not trustworthy, and have no concern for discretion, then I do not trust them with my past.

Otherwise, you may give the wrong impression that your past is a greater influence on you currently, then it really is. As a man, it is sometimes difficult to determine which part of a woman’s shared past is relevant to the situation. This makes it difficult to help, because I do not know which specific aspect to try to help with.

TheSelfGoverned · 2019-02-18T06:02:59+00:00

5 dates is a little early. Maybe at 5 weeks... You will know when, it's no rush.

Capable_Mine · 2019-02-23T02:46:33+00:00

For someone who hears you talk till 5 am you guys are communicating and connecting on some level. I'm sure you feel guarded and he must also have skeletons in his closet for now its completely your choice on if you chose to be vulnerable or want to wait it out. Do you see this changing your relationship with him in any way?are you afraid of losing him?if so what makes you think that? What do you expect to accomplish by revealing things? I'm guessing you guys spoke so much already that you can gauge where you want to draw the boundary, just do it if you think its right, trust your intuition.

Title	Examples of vulnerability?
Author	Mamita91
Upvotes	28
Comments	47
Date	February 17, 2019 5:29 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/armpmw/examples_of_vulnerability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/examples-of-vulnerability.218953 https://theredarchive.com/post/218953

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