Contemplating breaking up with LTR

KeffirLime · 2019-04-24T09:26:52+00:00

A women's currency is attention. You give it when you like what they do and withdraw it when you don't. This is how you mould female behavior.

I have reassured her for 8 hours straight before.

You are showering her with excessive amounts of attention for behavior you don't like yet you're expecting her to change the very behavior that yields your attention.

Give her attention when she cooks you a meal, give her attention when she dresses up in kinky lingerie, give her attention when she surprises you, but until you stop giving her attention for the wrong things, it will never stop.

vandaalen · 2019-04-24T08:29:57+00:00

You claim to be able to "appreciate" feminity, but once it manifests itself, you come here whining in a text which challenges "War & Peace" in length.

Women are emotional creatures. If you try to apply logic to explain their behavior and to deal with it, you have failed utterly.

Every time a woman switches behavior in a serious relationship, you must start to look for the cause and not start complaining.

You will also need to learn how to navigate drama.

In your case the drama she creates is an expression of an underlying problem. Chances are that you fail to reward good behavior with attention and affection.

These two must be addressed differently.

In your example with the lawyer, you should punish the creation of unnecessary drama by immediately withdrawing your attention. Tell her once that she is acting childish and give her a chance to calm down. Don't argue the subject with her.

If she adapts, everything is fine. If not, you leave the scene and spend some time on your own.

In general, try to find a balance. You need to give her a feeling of being secure as well and not only dread her.

onpuzzle · 2019-04-24T11:12:50+00:00

Don't hire friends, family and more importantly, don't hire your SO.

UziNidalee · 2019-04-24T08:08:25+00:00

My man, us successful people have it hard when it comes to over commitment from women.

They just cant stop falling for you and freak the fuck out at every step, she is almost hitting the wall, her life goal is to get married to you, is it your life goal also?

Let me tell you this, she will tell you how she will hurt herself, kill herself, not find anybody else to love.

It is bullshit. And not your problem/fault either.

You need to break up I had the same exact feelings, my girl was head over heels and I was getting more and more distant and self focused.

We went back and worth 2-3 times, always me breaking up.

Best decision is to go hard or go home, do not prolong it.

Guess what happened to "nobody is gonna love me, I'll have no will to live without you"?

4 months later she is already in an LTR, doing well with her life ,she might be alpha widowed and masturbate to your fantasies for years but such is life of a successful man...

You clearly want to escape.

Ohboohoolittlegirl · 2019-04-24T08:15:22+00:00

The fact that you start with: I was a misogynist and then turn to a quarantined community flagged for mysogynism is funny. Virtue signalling, BP mentality towards women, raging oneitis, completely held up in her frame (" I have reassured her for 8 hours straight before. " - DUDE). No abundance mentality, no DGAF attitude. And you are now moving to us with your red flags that should have been clear from the start...

Whatever, keep roleplaying.

mysticplaces · 2019-04-24T09:55:26+00:00

It sounds like your priorities these days are quite different than hers. Practically speaking you’re on different wavelengths with the only elements keeping things intact are past experiences and good qualities on paper. As others have mentioned, her priorities are establishing security. Whether that is in the emotional realm with constant reassurance or financially with further commitment (marriage, children, etc.). If these goals are incompatible or disruptive to your agenda, come to terms with that reality (it will not go away or resolve itself on its own).

As an exercise I would highly suggest a meditative or written process whereby you imagine a world devoid of this person.

I used to deal with a woman that would nag and pressure constantly. I wanted nothing more than to end the pressure, end the constant nagging. The world I casually imagined in my head was her finding someone else and leaving me alone. There were other elements as well; I never really felt emotionally engaged throughout the experience. Making a long story short, she eventually left and found someone else. While it seems like common sense, I never imagined what would transpire was that we would never speak again. It was a shock to the system (to say the least) as this was someone that had become engrained in my life in many ways (unforeseen).

Is this someone that you could potentially imagine never speaking to again? I guess you’ll ultimately have to weigh this option for yourself. It’s probably the wrong forum to ask such a question in as most just want complete and total control. You’re not going to change her personality, her dramatic reactions or her high level of sensitivity. If it’s ultimately something you cannot mitigate, you’ll have to take appropriate actions. The fact that she works for you makes her completely dependent on you, which only creates more drama and complication. My brother had a situation like this for a very long time. Ultimately he chose to be with someone with their own career and level of independence.

throwitdownman · 2019-04-24T13:33:23+00:00

I’ve been with many women, and I’ve never seen one who were not emotionally needy. It’s what women do - their hormones are all over the place depending on the time of month, and you can never expect consistency from women. Perhaps start dating men.

Also, seeing as she is soon to hit the wall, what percentage of her bad behavior stems from the fact that she isn’t married, and won’t be getting married anytime soon? Women seek commitment from a man, it must be discouraging for her to know her pipe-dream will not happen. Which is why they cause conflict as a coping mechanism, so they don’t need to think about it.

Just as there’s a lot of people who marry too early, there’s also a lot of people who break up when one party wishes for marriage while the other does not.

YthisGuy · 2019-04-24T07:00:43+00:00

TL:DR x 2

If you gotta type this much about your breaking up with a LTR you're not red pilled enough.

Break up
Read the sub, gather some do/dont's
Break some PB's at the gym
Implement teachings, figure out what works best for you
Enjoy the woman however you feel fit

Never make looking for a girl/ doing things with a relationship a top priority over your life goals. Your money, happiness, mental health comes from what YOU do to it.

Thinkingard · 2019-04-24T12:00:20+00:00

Sounds like you don't have any frame. It's okay, a lot of us have been there. I learned how to get my frame back by reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. You sound like a nice guy, so you will need that information if you haven't already read it. If you have read it, then you need to go back and reexamine your boundaries, because it sounds like you aren't enforcing your boundaries with her. Also apply a little dread game. She needs to know you have plenty of options besides her and her emotional behavior isn't going to cut it if she can't grow up.

Anyway, I'd at least try setting clear boundaries, enforcing them, apply some dread game, before breaking up with her. If you cannot enforce boundaries with her then you have no choice but to break up with her because she will eventually bring you down by becoming the leader of the relationship. Did she make you a millionaire? No, it was you, so why let her lead?

maljo24 · 2019-04-24T10:15:06+00:00

Keep her. You seem overly focused on work. Bring more balance to your life. Work: Women: Hobbies. She is your teacher.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2019-04-24T12:38:44+00:00

Your girl wants some comfort. When she asks if you would take a bullet for her, don’t qualify it - I suspect her earlier attempts were more subtle but went over your head - go with “I’d make the other guy take a bullet for you”.

And when she wants to be held, sometimes, you hold her. Especially after BDSM. Aftercare is important.

DexiAntoniu · 2019-04-24T10:04:01+00:00

This is not the place to ask your question. Most men here are not successful, and despite purporting an "alpha" attitude, they'd be so stumped by the woman you describe, they'd fall at her feet and be a beta bitch. Don't look too much into the words of these people here.

Don't look into mine other, I will be accused of being a beta bitch for what I'm about to say, but if name calling is good enough for you to be deterred from logic, so be it.

Good people are rare, good men and good women alike. Your issue with this person is not that she's not a good woman.

Your issue with her is that she has needs you cannot or don't want to fulfill. That's what you wrote, here's it again: the issue you have with her is that she has needs you don't meet. Who's on fault here?

Break up with her if you will, but make no mistake, you're doing so because you are inadequate, because something exterior of you requires more of you and you are not able or willing to offer it. Does that sound like an alpha? Like someone who takes ownership over their life?

From your own description, you will not find another woman as good for you as she is. She's everything anyone could wish for in a spouse. And you want to quit it because you're too much of a pussy to get out of your own ego and give back something that's not immediately in your nature to give.

You've also described her utility in cold, mostly economic terms. But she is a human, that's the point you're missing.

Please consider that in full honesty with yourself and ask yourself who is the inadequate one in your relationship with her.

You won't be in your late 20s forever. You will be late in your life and possibly alone, or with someone worse than her out of a need to not be lonely. You can forge with her a type of life-long connection which is so rare to come across, and just so, so rewarding.

The "alphas" here are mostly incels in suffering, living a necessary illusion of self-improvement (which might just help them in the long term, we've all been there) but longing for the type of relationship you've described deep down inside. Their suffering loves company. And you know this, you knew what you'd be told, this is why you asked it here, because you want to validate a decision you fear might be wrong. Fuck your validation seeking and rethink everything. If you come to the same conclusion, so be it, but you might not.

Schhwing · 2019-04-24T09:13:34+00:00

It's clear that you two have a very strong bond, which goes against a lot of the prioritising of superficial relationships that goes on here. And as a late 20's man myself I respect that to a degree...

I think that you don't want to hurt this girl (or yourself) by breaking up, but she does not sound suitable for you moving forward in the current dynamic. If you did stay with her, your relationship might benefit from her being a stay at home partner - or her working somewhere else. Your business ties only seem to further complicate things - if you did break up, do you fire her also?

Although reading through the comments you said that you don't see yourself marrying this girl or having children with her, and if that is the case, why are you wasting your time? Make the split quickly. Some feelings will be hurt. And then your time could be spent elsewhere forming new relationships with potentially younger, hotter and maybe more suitable women! I know it will be hard but you have to do what's right for you.

Also read this: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/relationship-type-2-with-type-8 and see if it rings true

changain · 2019-04-24T12:52:57+00:00

Can start a multimillion $ company Doesnt know how to deal with one woman Seems legit

Bruchibre · 2019-04-24T07:06:14+00:00

I don't know I'd say keep doing what you want and when she nags too much, dread. MKe her understand that your business is first and she is second. If she can't take it she will be the one leaving. Nice reply about the bullet BTW. She seems to throw you tons of shit tests and comfort tests.

DeborahBinLaden · 2019-04-24T08:12:47+00:00

Read everything you can on frame, yours is weak

ThinSpiritual · 2019-04-24T08:51:02+00:00

Hi, askTRP, what do I want?

the13thmonk · 2019-04-24T11:01:01+00:00

Two things. And this isn’t an entirely red-pilled response. I also think red pill doesn’t cover intimacy and relationships well.

1) look up and study how to essentially train people to do things you like. An EC mentioned it here, but in relationships to teach someone how to be the best for you, you reward good behavior and you ignore bad behavior. Punishing doesn’t actually work as well as just rewarding or doting on her the times she does things RIGHT. Don’t take it from me, look it up. There are plenty of psychological studies.

2) she may be submissive, devoted, dtf. But what you need in this point in your life is a chick who is going to be less attached. Care for herself more, so you don’t have to do it. I’m sure if you’d actually want to date someone like that. So maybe it’s best to not date/LTR at all until you’ve achieved what you want to achieve.

As an aside, you mentioned choosing sullen victory over happy diversion in a comment.

Why.

Being sullen for years of your life isn’t success. Not really. If you’re happy 28 to 35 and you can still be a millionaire or hundred millionaire by 40. Have less money. But had those happy years. I think that’s worth more.

TheBunk_TB · 2019-04-24T12:22:50+00:00

Start rationing attention and conversation. Also, know the point where you are actually ready to call it quits. You aren't in a healthy position and you need to head this off before she starts expecting a ring. This is not marriage territory.

TheBunk_TB · 2019-04-24T12:24:05+00:00

Also, start hiring consultants/jobbers to do what she has been doing. There is always someone else. Separate the personal from the professional.

TFWnoLTR · 2019-04-24T13:07:27+00:00

Didn't even read your post.

Do it.

If you feel like you don't want to stay in a LTR, it's already over. Don't make the mistake of feeling like you have to stay. It only gets worse the longer you lie to yourself.

TheHumbleAfrican · 2019-04-24T14:43:36+00:00

No comment on the subject matter, but the comments. I have to say that some of the comments I have read are really awesome. Keep up the work on helping us learn how to deal with women.

Lethal-Procedure · 2019-04-24T15:23:30+00:00

Be cognizant that a significant amount of the proble here is your failure to lead. Changing who you are doing this with will not therefore necessarily produce a better result. You shouldn't feel obligated to stay with her if she is making you unhappy. But you shouldn't break up with her for her behavior being part of the outflow of your failings either. Own your own behavior, improve (demand improvement from yourself as much as you would from say an employee), and sift through to similarly demand improvement from her in her behavior.

steggun_cinargo · 2019-04-24T19:55:57+00:00

Had she seeked professional help? Much like you don't go to a women with your emotional issues, perhaps she would be better suited consulting with someone trained to guide her through the difficult place she is in. Sometimes an outside perspective makes a huge difference.

Has she started/stops any meds that coincides with her changes?

linkschode · 2019-04-24T19:57:43+00:00

She works for you and you have to reprimand her?

Good lord. That’s the biggie. You know of Jordan Peterson, what was it he said to Cathy Newman? Domination is intensely pleasurable in the moment but is a bad long term strategy for a relationship.

She’s clearly insecure and damaged from a traumatic childhood. If you really care about this woman then you’ll be prepared to sacrifice to help her.

If you aren’t willing to sacrifice and you do care for her, and this causes you to discard her, you’ll regret throwing away and hurting someone you cared about.

If you don’t really care for her and aren’t willing to sacrifice, then end it now.

Sounds like almost all of the boxes are ticked, except for the fact that she has some issues and is needy. Also you have what sounds like great history together, you won’t find that in a new partner right away, you’ll have to build it over years.

You said she gives you just about everything you need. Are you reciprocating this, is there a balance in terms of how much you both sacrifice to satisfy the other?

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’ll find a woman who ticks every single box and comes with no baggage.

Sounds like you love this woman, but that you’re also a stubborn and hard headed guy who is able to fixate on a goal and suffer along the way to get it ... great for becoming self made millionaire, terrible for maintaining a healthy relationship for the right reasons.

What do you actually want from a woman, can she give this to you, and if not, are you willing to compromise?

alexmansilla12 · 2019-05-16T16:20:39+00:00

Idk, from my perspective (17F), i think that you should stick with her but learn to put up boundaries between the two of you. It's nice to see that you put effort in your relationship by being there for her but you have to understand how women are very emotional and sensitive. Too much of our drama though is draining which I applaud you for the 8 hours of comforting.

I know that you prioritize your work first and then her for a better future but then if you think about it, she's also your future. Make her understand that you are focused in your work to have a better lifestyle, security, and whatnot and a part of yourself is doing it for your relationship's future (does that make sense?). In my opinion, i think you should encourage her to get a pet (or a hobby) so that she can direct her attention to that but at the same time, you still give her sufficient love & affection so that she wouldn't feel neglected. It's just a matter of balancing your work and relationship!!

goblinboglin · 2019-04-24T12:05:15+00:00

Yeah man, you basically explained why you should break up with her.

You just want our final nod.

Break up.

Never forget your mission, brother.

[deleted] · 2019-04-24T14:18:12+00:00

I don't believe a word of this bullshit post

Ohboohoolittlegirl · 2019-04-24T06:49:17+00:00

Lol. Why post here if you refuse to take the Red Pill.

MattyAnon · 2019-04-24T16:03:56+00:00

Over time she's become more emotionally needy and this takes up an increasing amount of my time which I need to dedicate to my work

Limit her to what YOU want.

She takes this personally like I'm saying she's not a genius and that I don't appreciate her

urgh, she's getting entitled.

She'll ask me questions like if I would take a bullet for her

Fuck that shit.

"I'd use you as a shield to protect the most important person in this relationship"

You don't want to be seen as a beta protector at all costs. It sounds like she wants you to be killed defending her.

My answers are invariably insufficient and I end up having long conversations about her feelings with her

urgh. Just don't get into that shit. Nothing will be enough, because she has somewhere along the line lost respect for you. She's trying to get those feelings compensated by your devotion, because that's the bit that feels missing.

The real missing part is respect/attraction for you.

And you kill a little more of it every day with your words and feelings and discussions and angst and supplication.

I've leased an apartment for her

Betabucks.

She works for me and I have to communicate with her every day on work matters.

DO NOT EAT WHERE YOU SHIT.

And also: do not shit where you eat.

Because she works for me I sometimes reprimand her the way I would an employee who failed to do what they were supposed to. She is hurt by this and it leads to more feely conversations.

Urgh, this is so fucked

I don't think I will find someone with the same kindness and good nature so easily again.

She's being unkind to you, and she doesn't respect you. You are supposed to be a MAN... a ROCK. Not a supplicating reassuring little beta faggot. Get your act together. Be strong and fuck the consequences.

This whole situation is utterly fucked.

kellykebab · 2019-04-24T09:00:31+00:00

I've leased an apartment for her about 20 minutes away so we no longer live in the same house. I thought this would mitigate the issue. It really hasn't. She works for me and I have to communicate with her every day on work matters. Because she works for me I sometimes reprimand her the way I would an employee who failed to do what they were supposed to.

What the fuck

Title	Contemplating breaking up with LTR
Author	changain
Upvotes	44
Comments	56
Date	April 24, 2019 6:13 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bgr6n7/contemplating_breaking_up_with_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/contemplating-breaking-up-with-ltr.235950 https://theredarchive.com/post/235950

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