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A Crucial Moment?

by Masterdan2015 | September 09, 2019 | askMRP

17 upvotes

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Interested to hear if there are any different views on this subject/situation I have.

My wife wants to me to attend my sons friends birthday party with her this Saturday. Now this year I’ve started playing football Saturdays (soccer) again, I’ve played semi-professional most of my adult life and toned it down due to the birth of my boy. He’s now 3!

I did make the rule that if the family needed me for something important or we are away on holiday then I will miss out.

However she is claiming that it’s unfair of me to not attend with her as it will be awkward for her socially not knowing other parents. She’s saying that I’m selfish for not wanting to be there with her and my son.

My response is that, there’s no way this is an obligation for me to attend. It’s not a family issue, this is pure for her selfish needs of wanting me to hold her hand at a social event she may find uncomfortable.

It just so happens to fall on the “Football Night Out” day of the year too, so if I don’t go then I’m missing out on bonding with other men etc.

I’m right in thinking that I shouldn’t bend over and be the white knight for her here? Or am I failing to be the Oak for her and my son? Do I need to lead the family? In any circumstance, if it was your wife, what would your response be?


Post Information
Title A Crucial Moment?
Author Masterdan2015
Upvotes 17
Comments 62
Date 09 September 2019 11:41 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/252434
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/d1pr5w/a_crucial_moment/
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Comments

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine38 points39 points  (7 children) | Copy

“sons friends 3rd birthday party“

Fuck no.

[–]IOwnMyShit19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy

I read my sons 3rd bday party and I was like wtf you don’t skip that.

It’s his friends LOL why is there even a question here?

[–]RoccoPinkman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol no shit. I did the same

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

The exact answer I thought. Faggot validation check maybe, but I’m learning and it’s good to see I’m making correct decisions. Thanks

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I go to all my kid's friends' birthday parties - or damn near all of them - and I've been the mayor and the cool dad for ages. I go because I want to go.

(Not to mention the nice little relationships with other kids' moms I've developed.)

Skip the parties, dude; be a shut-in football-playing-asshole and let your socially inept wife go by herself.

Maybe consider asking yourself why your wife is so socially inept in the first place?

Good stuff.

p.s. I go and have fun whether my wife tags along or not.

[–]tspitsatgp1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

100%. I don’t understand why some Dad’s are hell bent on avoiding kids birthday parties, school events, etc. i suspect it’s out of fear or an inability to experience joy from the simple things in life.

It’s as fun or as shit as you make it, like anything, and is a great opportunity to build your social game (everyone is awkward at first, so be the one that breaks the ice).

Plus, if the parents are boring as fuck you can just go and be the cool Dad with the kids and have fun.

[–]Redpillbrigade177 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s too late. The fact that she even thinks this is a possibility shows how much territory you have to recover from blue pill land. Never mind that YOU even consider the question.

I mean look at the title of your post. What’s so crucial about a little guy 3 yr birthday. ??

So at this point maybe with lots of Bullshit, verbal jiu jitsu and jokes, and lots of slaps on ass, “ohhhhh come here babe” after she pretends to be upset you can get away with it. But you’d have to do some serious faking. Otherwise she’ll call your bluff and wet paper bag frame.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

I real answer, thank god. Haha, this is the route I’m going down currently. I’m thinking the exact same thing as “what’s so crucial about a little guys 3 yr birthday”. I get that I’ve got ground to recover, agreed. I didn’t state to her I was unsure though, I just said “I’ve got a game”. Getting my balls chopped up in these comments haha! I’m leaning towards...I’m 100% correct with my Initial thought process and her guilt trip is bullshit. Thanks for the decent response my man.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy

I don't know how other guys will respond but, IMO you pick and choose. I'm not you nor do I know your wife. Decide how important she wants you to go to this thing compared to you yours. Weigh it up and decide. And don't hold it against her if you go, just let her know what you are doing etc...

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Yeh, this is what I’m doing in my thought process now. Is it important enough? Is it a necessity for me to be there? Will this reoccur? To be there for her, is it Oak or is it Omega? Was interested to hear others scenarios of similar circumstance. Thanks for responding.

[–]part_wolf2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Be careful not to jump into her frame while you’re considering this. You can’t buffer every social interaction for her, and if she’s not comfortable going then it’s her decision if she wants to do that or not. She’s a big girl.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

OK - I'll bite.. my kids get invited to birthday parties all the time. My wife takes care of buying the gifts & card and then bringing an collecting them from the party, or staying if that's what's expected.

On the rare occasion that she can't do this, she'll ask me if I can step in and take over, which I do.

The rest of the time, this isn't even a question - she knows that I have other shit to do.

You don't. When your kid was born, you put your needs second. When a birthday party of a kid's friend comes up, you don't know what to do.. your needs first or her needs?

You have no mission, nothing that drives you. If you did, this birthday party would not be an issue. If you did, you would find a way to lead.. and that leadership would ensure that your wife would do shit like this for you without even asking.

What you do on this single occassion is irrelevant.. you came here looking for a Band Aid for a paper cut when the real issue is that you've cut your own balls off and don't even realise it.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Wow. Detailed. So it couldn’t just be because she’s really socially anxious and it’s some type of comfort/shit test. As I have my mission, my drive, my body, my purpose all in check. Oh so I thought until I read your response. I ended up telling her “I’ve got a football match”. It was maybe my guilty feeling blue pill feelings within that wanted to ask the question. My bad. Thanks for the response.

[–]marv86kw3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

She's literally telling you she thinks this stupid bday party is more important than the other silly shit you're up to around that time. Not that the bday is super important, just yet you're excuses are poop and giving her some time is her default.

As the above mentioned, its not what do you do when she pulls this shit. Its what you do so she doesn't pull this shit.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Ok, this hits home. So it’s more about making the “football” and my other missions non-negotiable, to the fact that she knows this and doesn’t even bother asking. So the point being, if she’s asking, then I’m not making it all seem important enough etc and she values holding her hand in a social situation more important.

[–]marv86kw0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Well, there two sides of everything.

"danny is busy with his XYZ Saturday, no point bothering him, lets figure out logistics."

Or

"danny is fucking around with XYZ, why ask cuz he doesn't give a shit. Lets see if he cares enough to drop us off."

If you have to tell her XYZ is more important than whatever stuff she wants, you're not doing it right.

Let me give an example from my life. I have two time sinks that my wife used to feel competion for. Gym and friends. I'm compete in weightlifting as part of a team (recently) . When we first got married, gym was her bane. Her behavior towards that didn't change untill i changed how I behave.

Stopped letting her know what I'm doing. Stopped answering calls during gym time. Would stick to my schedule. I would also schedule off days, not tell her, then say I dont feel like working out today, get changed and lets go out. Don't act butt hurt about things.

Good luck bro.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate that bro.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lame reply to a lame question! Seriously brother, if you want to reply to a post just do it, no need to cover yourself and leave some wiggle room to escape by stating 'IMO' and 'I don't know how other..'

OP should do this or that.

I bet getting a simple yes or no out of you in real life is just as evasive...

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

However she is claiming that it’s unfair of me to not attend with her as it will be awkward for her socially not knowing other parents.

Either take this as shame or playing wounded. Either way it's manipulation.

My response is that, there’s no way this is an obligation for me to attend.

I dunno, this sounds a little bit like an autistic answer. I'm sure you could come up with better if you thought it over.

It just so happens to fall on the “Football Night Out” day of the year too, so if I don’t go then I’m missing out on bonding with other men etc. I’m right in thinking that I shouldn’t bend over and be the white knight for her here?

If you had a goal you'd know the answer already, you don't know because right now you're guessing.

Don't guess, be deliberate with your MAP, then the conversation can be around either how to wrap presents or how to make sure wifey can make a new friend without your help

The exact answer I thought. Faggot validation check maybe, but I’m learning and it’s good to see I’m making correct decisions. Thanks

Then again, this is also shaming manipulation. 'man' isn't an archetype that you aspire to, it's just you. How it falls into one archetype or another shouldn't factor in.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hit the sidebar and lift. Then, you won’t be such a pissy and ask pussy questions like this

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is your crucial moment? This is it?

SMH

[–]RedPillCoach[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

if it was your wife, what would your response be?

"Goodbye dear, I will see you after the game. Have fun at the party."

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

I mean WHAT THE FUCK.

What kind of FUCKING CAKE are we talking about here?

Motherfucker, if it is white cake, GO TO THE FUCKING PARTY.

Fuck all these guys. I think with my dick and stomach.

Mostly in that order...

Seriously did no one do legs today or what?

[–]tspitsatgp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The only time I eat cake these days is at birthday parties. I don’t care if it’s white choc, dark choc or some abomination, just give me some fucking carbs.

[–]Balls_Wellington_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's kids birthday cake. 50/50 they get it from Walmart and the frosting tastes like old toothpaste. Fuck that shit, a night out with the guys usually means steak or bbq

[–]markpf730 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And by cake he means pussy.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Crucial moment ?

How’s the sidebar ?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Go then fuck one of the other kid's Mom.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha! Hardcore RedPill! I could of course go, show value by bonding with the other dads (bluepilled) and flirt with the women. But that all seems a lot less interesting than smashing the football game with the lads.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Or am I failing to be the Oak for her and my son?

Yes, but not in the way you think you are.

Do I need to lead the family?

Yes. But not in the way you think you should.

Your biggest problem is that you are failing to lead yourself. Everything else - including your lack of leadership, your inabilty to take control of your life, your inability to make decisons - they all stem from that.

You're also a lazy fucking cunt who clearly hasn't read the sidebar and wants to be spoonfed the answers.

So, fuck you. Eat paint.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] -4 points-3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Haha! Fucking class, love that. Love it when someone starts getting raped and abused for asking a question. It was only a matter of time I suppose. I’ve read the sidebar...as for paint, it doesn’t fit my macros...love it! Some valid points and some blind guesses there.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Lots of people read the sidebar. Some of them understand it, internalise it and put it into practice.

Some don't.

The ones who don't are the fuckers who post stupid basic fucktard questions like yours.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough my man, I’ll continue/begin internalising then.

[–]ManguZa1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're right, except when you let your wife give you doubts about your decision and that you need validation of others men on internet.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

You’re right, but is that not exactly what this Subreddit was for? To ask a question you aren’t 100% sure on. I get your comment though, I thought about your comment being posted off someone before I even posted my question. I decided, fuck it, I’ll just ask.

[–]ManguZa0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The thing is that being confident in yourself and make her feel it is more important than making the "good" decision.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I have three sons. All are over the age of 10. I don't remember any of their friends' birthday parties.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly my Initial thoughts, I give zero fucks for my sons friends birthday party. It was more a check of “is this correct or fucking up the oak”.

[–]RoccoPinkman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Spend time with other men at the footy or attend some kids 3 year old birthday party? Is this even a question?

[–]2wo2wo3hree0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

“this is pure for her selfish needs of wanting me to hold her hand at a social event she may find uncomfortable.”

You’ll have to identify if your wife is asking for your assistance because she is incapable of the task and truly needs your help or if she’s just trying to see if you’ll bend backwards for her. Identifying which side she’s on will give you clarity on your next move.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She lacks confidence socially, but it doesn’t mean I should bend over. How will her confidence grow otherwise?

[–]Balls_Wellington_1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Imagine this happened at work. A manager asks his employee to do inventory so that he can call in to a meeting with corporate, but the employee is afraid he will fuck up the numbers and doesnt want to do it.

Should the manager skip his call and do it himself? It will definitely go more smoothly, but next time it'll be the same shit all over again. That could be the right call if the employee truly isn't able to pull it off, but inventory isn't that hard.

Should he just tell the employee that it'll be fine and go join his call? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on it the employee is actually capable of doing it alone. If the employee is totally capable and just nervous that might actually be the best case ("see? all you have to do is trust yourself"), but if the employee's got a point you can breed resentment ("fucking boss man shafted me to go kiss corporate ass") or slow their growth ("I'm not trying something new, look how bad I fucked up last time").

You want to be the manager, you find a solution. You know damned well it doesn't take two parents to go to a kid's birthday party. Find the right solution.

If your wife is a little anxious, what can you do to temper that anxiety? Can you do a playdate with some of the parents before your game so there are familiar faces at the party? Can you talk her through it a few times until she is more comfortable with the idea?

If you want to be the captain, you have to steer the ship. Make it work or step down.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, great breakdown answer.

[–]Smuggler-Tuek0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You have something important to you to do. Do that. Her social skills are her own shit to deal with.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Only way you should go to the party is if you actually want to go. How is this even a question?

[–]Johnny000050 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I guess maybe next time tell her that you know how important it is for her to attend the party, and that she knows how it is to you keep your commitments. But if it’s a comfort test, perhaps hold you frame, acknowledge her insecurity and build her up! Pull her close and tight, grab her ass, and tell her, “aww, don’t be nervous, you’ll be fantastic! Tell me all about your new friends tonight once the kids are asleep. I’ can’t wait to heat it.” Hold your frame, feed her the comfort shes looking for, reward her bravery and give her a sense of confidence. That’s what you would do for you child, do that for her. Lead, encourage, support. That’s what i would do. And you just might get a proper romp from her thrill of accomplishment of overcoming her fears.

[–]Masterdan2015[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well that actually sounds pretty solid, what I ended up doing was: -let her know that I understand her insecurity -Gave her encouragement about how she deals with social situations pretty well and more often than she thinks -I then sensed in all this conversation that she was still feeling very anxious, so I made a “compromise”. It being, I will take her and the little fella to the party but I will leave half way through as intended for my football, that way I’m there for immediate support and then “let her ride the bike herself without me holding it”. -I left for football as planned, she told me how awkward it was, I acknowledged and told her how proud I was of her smashing it on her own etc. This was Saturday evening. We fucked when I got back from being with boys, we fucked in the morning Sunday and we fucked again in the evening Sunday. After all the comments and random “your a fag, read the sidebar”, it’s fair to say I nailed this interaction. Now to dust myself off and await the next comfort/shit test.

[–]amalgamator-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stand firm in your frame but don’t be an ass and give her a little support.

“I would normally like to go and hang with you and the kid, but I have an obligation to my team.”

“I know it would be easier on you if I went and I like chilling with you, especially when you wear those sexy pants I like, but you can do hard things babe and I can’t miss my game.”

“Babe, I’m trying to be collaborative with you - our agreement was I would skip occasionally but only for important family things and this isn’t that - why are you trying to change the agreement we have? I want us to both thrive in the marriage and soccer is an important part of who I am.”



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