Q4ALL: Did your parents provide you with sexual advice/coaching/guidance? Of what sort? To what extent? And insofar as they refrained, why do you think they left you to fend for yourself in this important domain of human life?

wub1234 · 2017-05-26T20:06:07+00:00

My mom told me the biological facts of life but said nothing about relationships. My dad didn't tell me a damned thing except that boys would lie to me to get what they wanted. He didn't elaborate past that, and I didn't ask.

They had their reasons for taking the approach that they did. But we won't be taking that same approach with our kids.

goatismycopilot · 2017-05-26T19:48:16+00:00

My parents gave no to little sexual/coaching advice. I am sure my mother said," don't get pregnant in high school". My friends and I would have never gone to our parents for coaching/sexual advice, I came from an era where there was no helicopter parenting and the few kids that had those kind of parents were horrified by it. Having your parents too involved in your life and having friends aware of it was social death. So people picked up cliched information from friends and the rest you figured out by observing and fucking up.

I mean be real OP are you actually lamenting that your parents were not more aware of your sexual life and sexual strategies? Even if my parents had offered advice I would not have listened anyway, nor would you. If your parents raised you to be able to function alone without them then they did not fail you at all.

[deleted] · 2017-05-26T23:41:09+00:00

My mom and I had and still have lots of talks about love/relationships. She has always had a strong interest in relationships and how to improve herself emotionally (thanks to a paranoid schizophrenic grandma who gave my mom the desire to be a better mom/wife/person than the woman who raised her). She was really clear/direct about the way babies are made- including drawings of uteruses, Fallopian tubes and ovaries. And God love her, she used her faith to be a damn good mom. She gave me some great advice when I turned 15/16 (paraphrased obvs):

I am not going to lie to you, you're not going to get pregnant or some god awful disease the first time you have sex because you're not stupid and you will use a condom. BUT I will tell you this: literally anything you do will feel good for the boy but God made women differently than he made men. It takes work to make us feel good- I think the same qualities that make a man a good father makes him better at making us feel good- patience, listening to what you say and what you might not even say, putting others before himself. Do you know any boys your age that have those qualities? I didn't think so. And another thing, he'll say it will be private and just between you two. But it will be the best thing that ever happened to him- could you keep the best thing that ever happened to you a secret? I didn't think so. So, yes, you should wait for your health because you only get one body but, more importantly, I think the best thing for your heart is to wait. Wait until you find a man who can prove he has those qualities to make you feel good and who is mature enough to keep it to himself.

And holy shit did I take that to heart. That advice might not ring true for all women but it did for me.

We also talk a lot about boundaries, respect, and how important it was to be aligned on big things before you fall in love. She tells me all the time how proud she is of my marriage. She gets very teary when I cite specific advice that I took to heart and how I applied it.

JaggedYellowPill · 2017-05-26T19:38:30+00:00

My mom was a nurse. She took a very no-nonsense approach to talking to me about sex, masturbation, contraception, etc. She also found age-appropriate sex ed videos to show me from time to time. In hindsight she might have left some things out that I would have benefited from knowing (or maybe she did tell me but I forgot), but overall I think she did a good job.

My dad never really told me much, maybe because mom was so proactive about it.

As an aside, I lived for a brief while in an African country where most people lived in extended families rather than nuclear families, and in those extended families, aunts and uncles had the traditional role of teaching their nieces and nephews about sex. A father (or mother) who was too embarrassed to talk to his own son (or daughter) wouldn't have any trouble talking to his sibling's children about sex and relationships. I wasn't very close to my own aunts or uncles, but I can see how if they lived on the same family compound as you, or in the same small village, an aunt or uncle might be the right balance between close family but not TOO close for discussing sensitive topics.

Alth12 · 2017-05-26T19:47:21+00:00

My Dad and uncles told me how to be good sexually. I'm glad they did as otherwise I'd have gone off porn and that would be a mistake. They also advised me about getting regular HIV screens as a matter of habit (uncle was in his promiscuous phase during the 80s)

My mum gave me advice on how to get girls. Mostly useless though as it all requires context and the big things guys who are successful do are often underpinned by smaller things that are forgotten by the women.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-05-26T19:48:32+00:00

Not at all. I didn't even talk to my mom when I first got my period. I just stole pads and tampons from her bathroom until she eventually figured it out, and even then it was "Well, do you have any questions?" "No." "OK."

The closest thing I got to "the talk" was my mom telling me that having sex and getting pregnant was the most disappointing thing I could ever do (she did this after one of my brother's friends got pregnant in high school.) Lucky for her, guilt is a great deterrent for me and boys didn't like me anyway.

My mom did give me some advice on choosing a husband, but it was more "here's what to look out for," not "here's what men like/how to attract them." She also advised me against marrying young (but it was implicit that I wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage.)

The majority of my sex ed came from reading my best friend's older sister's Seventeen magazines and watching "Talk Sex With Sue" in secret on Saturday nights. (Really.)

As for why I think they approached it this way -- religion and upbringing. Sex is a taboo subject in my parents' church and in their families. It just isn't discussed. I think my parents and others like them have a hard time thinking about their children as sexual beings, so they just try not to do it. It's not healthy but it is what it is. I also think a lot of religious parents (wrongly) harbor an "out of sight out of mind" attitude and think if they talk to their kids about sex then that will make them want to do it.

[deleted] · 2017-05-26T19:53:25+00:00

Absolutely nothing other than "everything in life will work out if you just get a high paying job"

I've mentioned this before on the sub, that wasn't malicious advice since betabux was a great strategy in the USSR since the alternative for women usually involved shovelling potatoes until death.

I don't think it's their place to explain this stuff tbh, but I do think they fucked up by not pushing me to socialize with people outside of the autismo math team champ crowd.

drok007 · 2017-05-26T19:57:48+00:00

My mom attempted to give me bad advice, which I guess was good in a way because it taught me to stop listening to women early on and I found success. None from my dad.

FEZwithWhiteGirls · 2017-05-26T20:09:20+00:00

I received absolute zero from my parents on these matters because they were so conservatively/religiously uptight to the point of dysfunction.

[deleted] · 2017-05-26T20:34:04+00:00

My mother gave no sex advice beyond "be smart, wrap it, don't get anyone pregnant". I didn't have a father to teach me about sex so that was the extent of the advice coming from parents.

My mom probably didn't go into it much because her parents didn't. They're very religious and conservative, so my mom jus kinda figured it out, so I guess she assumed I'd do the same. I did, but through the Internet. Not through porn, but through threads on reddit (been on here since I was 15).

wub1234 · 2017-05-26T20:47:28+00:00

None whatsoever. Partly because the world has changed so much they don't have anything valid to offer, partly because they just assumed I'd meet someone without any assistance, partly because it was a bit embarrassing for them, I imagine.

IamTheWalkingMenu · 2017-05-26T22:52:39+00:00

Omg. Tons. Both mom and dad did. It all turned out to be true. If anything, the world's not as dark as they led me to believe. They basically said "don't do anything sexual or you will be judged a whore." Then my mom said "sex is great and healthy and normal. But not until you're ready and once you do then you are changed forever." My dad basically said that every guy would try to fuck me asap and that I shouldn't let them. They were basically right.

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[deleted] · 2017-05-26T19:28:53+00:00

I never asked. Dating has always been low on my list of worries. Lucky me since I'm such a lousy catch!

[deleted] · 2017-05-26T19:48:18+00:00

Never asked and they never gave me any advice on the topic. Guess I was expected to figure stuff out on my own but it didn't really work out in the end. Not sure if advice would've helped anyway.

Lyanina · 2017-05-26T19:53:47+00:00

Nah, they didn't. I mean beyond the safe sex and contraception talk, no. And even that talk was brief because I'd done my own research.

My parents were always cool though. Cool about my period, cool about getting me on BC (I declined when they offered). I always felt I could just come to them with questions. Luckily I had the internet so I didn't really need to, but I told my parents when I first started dating, I've told them about all my relationships since then -- even the one they would rather have never heard about --, I told them when I was thinking of getting an IUD and when I got it.

They never sat me down and talked to me about dating or sex or how I should go about maximizing my chances or anything, but I would love to have children who trusted that I would support them the way I trust my parents (ergh, I love them to death). I think I've been doing okay so far.

My parents got together at a younger age than I started dating. I don't know if they felt unqualified to give advice or if they just felt awkward about it, but I don't regret it at all. I've never stopped to think about it. These days they tell me I'm an adult so they don't tell me what to do, but I did come to them a few months ago for advice regarding a situation that came up in my relationship and they were helpful. They just never gave me a dating guide.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2017-05-26T20:01:51+00:00

No they never talked to me and when I asked my mom why not she said because you live and learn. I asked her why she didn't talk to me when I started dating my first bf because he was 5'1 and over 200lbs and I was pretty normal, but she never tried to stop me or talk to me about attraction.

And that's fine. She didn't know. She married my dad whom aparently she did not love or find attractive. She had a shitty relationship with her divorced parents, too. My father wouldn't talk about this stuff with me.

I believed love did not exist and found my own way. Now I'm happy I learned love is real. Sometimes I wish someone would have told me what's up from down, but making my own mistakes only had the consequence of increasing my n count and nothing more. I learned a lot from my love experiences and grew to be who I am today because of these experiences and beyond happy, so I can't really be upset with Mom for not advising me. Her approach of let me figure it out myself worked for me.

DeathByBeelzie · 2017-05-26T20:08:37+00:00

My mom had exactly one extremely awkward conversation with me about periods and growing up. Nothing about sex or how to protect myself. Then Always came to my school and gave us like a lesson/advertise of their product, was a great lecture and I learned a lot. Still nothing about sex. I can't exactly remember where I learned how things happened, but I have never been confused about how it works and the dangers that come with sex. Probably the internet as I was glued to my computer back then.

DemonConsulting · 2017-05-26T20:39:19+00:00

I remember my parents explained to me how babies are made around grade 3 which is when my mother was pregnant and I asked about it. Then I had "sex ed" also in 3rd grade (mainly explaining sperm, egg and the stages of a baby growing in the womb, not much about sex itself), again similar topics in 5th grade Biology and then the whole contraception talk where you put condoms on bananas in 7th or 8th grade. That was about it. I talked to my mom about periods, cramps etc. but not really sex outside of some remarks about it not being a tragedy that I wasn't having any at 14 (one of the earlier developing girls was bragging about her 18 year old boyfriend). I don't think she would have minded to talk about it but I just didn't ask and there was no real reason for her to initiate that talk since I was way too shy to even talk to boys I was attracted to in my school days.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-05-26T20:56:07+00:00

I didn't learn anything good from my parents or stepparents.

Neither my mom, father, or stepmother told me anything directly. I always had a very high reading level, and my mom gave me a "all about the human body" -esque book meant for 9th graders when I was in 3rd grade. It had diagrams for everything, including sex, genitals, fetuses, etc. So I had a basic knowledge of all that stuff before most of my peers, which is good, since I hit puberty at 10 years old. This unfortunately caused a problem for me during the next 7 years of life, wherein my cretin of a stepfather decided to give me a sexual "education" that I didn't want.

But as for a normal "birds and bees" discussion? Nope. I learned a little more about the biological basics, STDs, contraception, abortion, and sexual preferences in 7th, 8th, and 10th grade Health. That's it.

justhanging92 · 2017-05-26T21:04:46+00:00

My dad told me that if I ever get sexual urges, to use a toy instead of sleeping around with men.

Not really sexual advice but my mom told me never to be upfront with my feelings to men or place any trust in them. All of them are perverse and the moment they sense weakness in you they will take advantage of you and use you. Generally I've been told not to believe in the lie "if you love me you would sleep with me"

OurThrownAwayDreams · 2017-05-26T21:08:43+00:00

0.

Because they are hyper conservative and wanted to arrange me a Chinese woman to bring over to America. I noped the fuck out of that proposition faster than a McLaren.

[deleted] · 2017-05-26T21:54:40+00:00

The important thing isn't just the sexual guidance. It's the relationship guidance too, which is all one and the same and wrapped up together, in my opinion.

As far as sexual guidance, I got one word from mom: "Don't." From dad it was "keep it in your pants".

The relationship guidance from my parents was even worse, and I've written about it at length. Essentially it was

Women are wonderful. They never ever lie about anything, especially not about sex. Whatever a girl wants, it's your duty to give it to her. All girls are worthy of your respect, deference and undying admiration, except for the broken, slutty, crazy, or stupid ones, and theyre the only ones having sex.

Girls don't really like sex. The only reason they have sex is for marriage and to get pregnant. The female sex drive is good, right, pure, and proper. The male sex drive is evil, wrong, immoral, sick, perverted and criminal. You are a bad person for having that sex drive and you must get it under control. The only girls and women who have sex outside of marriage are slutty, stupid, crazy, broken or damaged. "Normal" women don't have sex outside marriage, not ever. If "normal" women are having extramarital sex, it's because bad men are tricking them into it.

When dating a girl, you must ask her what she wants to do, and then do that. Don't take charge, don't run the interaction. You let HER do that. Do not ever kiss a girl or try to hold her hand or put your arm around her without asking first. You must ask first before you do anything with her.

You need to be nice to girls. If you are failing with them, it is because you are not being nice enough and you need to be nicer. Nice, kind, caring and nurturing men are sexually attractive. That's what girls really like. That turns girls on. Girls don't like so-called "Bad boys". The only girls who like "bad boys" are broken, damaged, slutty, stupid or crazy. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with girls who like bad boys and who don't like nice, kind men.

Your looks don't matter at all. it's better to be smart and fat, than stupid and thin. It's better to be fat, ugly, employed, and have money in the bank, than to be thin, good looking, jobless, and broke. Smart guys, intelligent guys, men who have good jobs, are the kinds of men that girls really go for. Those men are real catches. Normal women do not care about a man's looks. Any woman who cares at all about looks is slutty, stupid, crazy, broken or damaged. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with girls who care about your looks.

We have several women acquaintances who are divorced. Most of them are at church. Every single one of those divorces happened because she married a man who presented himself as good, but right after the wedding he immediately showed his "true self". He was bad, evil and immoral. He cheated on her. He beat her. He was a drunk. He was a shiftless layabout who wouldn't work. He was a criminal. He abandoned her. In every case, he was 100% at fault for the divorce, she did nothing wrong. It was all his fault. If he hadn't been a bad man, if he hadn't lied to her and mistreated her, the divorce wouldn't have happened. Divorces happen only because bad men lie and trick good women into marrying them.

questioningwoman · 2017-05-26T23:00:44+00:00

My mom gave me some general "advice" (more like slut/fat shaming). I love my mom, but she is pretty judgemental as most UMC mothers are. The major "advice" she gave me that helped me with dating:

Don't be a slut, though not in such explicit terms. When I was 13 and going to hang out with my boyfriend(who was in high school) she said "boys only want one thing". Lol.
Dont be fat. When I was getting chubby as a 14 year-old, she told me I was getting fat and needed to lose weight. I lost 30 lbs when I was 14/15 and have since kept it off. Obviously I didn't lose weight just because she told me to, but she emphasized the point of keeping yourself in good shape and attractive.
Play hard to get and always make the man pursue.
Also she really emphasized proper etiquette and made me go to cotillion courses and stuff.

I did NOT need advice on how to get sex. I was able to do that just fine. The advice my mom gave me helped in acquiring relationships and not casual sex, which is beneficial for females. I'm not really sure what else girls need to know other than be attractive, don't be a slut, and be nice to the guys you want a relationship with.

WhiskersNT · 2017-05-26T23:21:49+00:00

My parents gave me a lot of shit about whether I was going to be some kind of foreveralone guy until I got my first girlfriend in 8th grade

They were such assholes LOL

[deleted] · 2017-05-27T00:22:33+00:00

My parents didn't tell me anything about sex. My mom did let me watch her sex in the city dvds, that was when I realized I was getting a little old to be a virgin and sex might be something I wanted to try.

[deleted] · 2017-05-27T00:51:48+00:00

Talk with your dad about how to pick up chicks? Are you fucking kidding me? Who does that?

PurpleBanner · 2017-05-27T00:59:10+00:00

My parents did not give me relationship or sexual advice. I never really learned how to get a date.

[deleted] · 2017-05-27T02:35:56+00:00

My parents tried a bit but I think by and large they thought it was better to learn it from experience. They often say that life is very different from when they were young so most of the pickles I have been in they cannot understand anyway.

My life would've been a lot better if I'd had better sexual guidance.

Sounds like youre blaming your parents for your own failures. They cant hold your hand through everything. Imagine your mom saying to you "well, I like it when your dad pulls my hair and fucks me roughly from behind, so maybe try that sweety?" Some things you need to learn yourself. Grow up.

despisedlove2 · 2017-05-27T03:16:47+00:00

My father taught me to be a man of my word, and to protect women. My mother tried to teach me to not trust women too much.

Sadly, I listened to my father more. Living in an estrogen ocean didn't help. India in those days looked down upon dating.

The school provided about 6 months of awkward sex ed.

[deleted] · 2017-05-27T04:15:29+00:00

No sexual guidance from parents.

My dad was a marriedCel: incel by today's standards, only found a virgin marriage through "old world methods". He couldn't keep his marriage long, then only fucked prostitutes for the remainder of his life. He had 0 SMV and no sexual strategy to offer.

My mother never talked to me about sex. Too weird in Asian families. She's traditional and has only slept with her two husbands, so she knows jack shit herself. She just said "one day girls will like you", as though it was some magical switch that turned on. No older brothers or male cousins to learn tricks from (as an immigrant, I didn't have cousins in US). I got involved with girls before my chincel engineer friends, so they had no advice to offer either. I learned about sex from the media, and figured shit out on my own through trial and error. First attempts were rough as fuck, but I figured it out.

boundarychimps · 2017-05-27T05:20:08+00:00

One or maybe two very heavily religious books.

I learned a lot more from the (paper!) encyclopedia, my biology textbooks, and the internet (particularly lurking in soc.sexuality.general on usenet).

[deleted] · 2017-05-27T07:33:28+00:00

Nope, absolutely nothing. At least nothing that I remember. My mum hated that I had girlfriends when I was a teenager though I recall that.

TheGreasyPole · 2017-05-27T08:57:35+00:00

Not really, as with you they refrained from most of it out of awkwardness and (possibly) a not sufficient understanding to really pass anything on.

Basic "birds and bees" stuff, yup. My mum dropping a few hints about what girls like.... "dress smart" and "smell nice" type things... which I understand now as "display a high SES" and "demonstrate basic hygeine and selfcare" but thats about it.

I worked out the rest myself by basic trial and error. A was clutching a quite a few jigsaw pieces gathered in this way before RP. But only RP put those pieces, and others together, into a picture... and when they were put together I discovered that picture was a pretty good map.

I plan on giving my children much more guidance with this. Won't neccessarily be emailingthem a link to the TRP sidebar, but I will be distilling a lot of what I know and make sure they grow up understanding a lot of the basics. Enough so that when they gether their own jigsaw pieces by trial and error they'll be able to build them into a map relatively easily in a way I hadn't effectively done until RP.

I won't fail my kids in the same way, but it will probably be awkward and involve a lot of "Ugh, Daaaaaaaaaad..."

badnews4u · 2017-05-28T12:17:01+00:00

never had anything. although i doubt anyone in my family tree has lol. i could be the first some day

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