The Surrendered Wife; Letting the man take control of the financies

So I skipped a few (four) chapter in The Surrendered Wife. These chapter were "Give up control to Have More Power", "Keep Surrendering a Secret", "Take Care of Yourself First", and "Express Your Desires". I skipped them because I thought they weren't interesting enough for a discussion on here. If you are curious, I'd be fine with answering questions or giving a summary of them. Now, on to managing the finances.

The basic summary of this chapter is that you should merge finances if you haven't already, insist that he handle paying all the bills and refuse to any of it, throw away all your credit cards and checkbooks, and instead ask for a monthly or weekly allowance from your husband, in cash, to cover your personal expenses. Even if he initially refuses to take out the finances, or complains, insist that he does it. The reasoning is that you will be vulnerable to him, which will breed intimacy. It will also make outing feel like dates from when you first met, as he "pays" for everything (quotation marks because he partially pays with the money you gave him). He will pamper you more and get you gifts as he starts to feel like a provider, and wants to feel like a good provider. He'll also do better at work and earn more money, since he'll be closer to the family finances be more motivated to earn more.

How does this stack up against my life? Well, I have intention of actually following this book, and this section is no different. I'm not married, but I've been living with my boyfriend for a few years now. We both work and earn about the same (which isn't a lot but is comfortable). Our finances are largely separate. He makes his money, and it goes into his personal checking account. He uses that money to buy anything he wants. Provided it's not prostitutes, I don't care how frivolous or stupid the expense is because it's entirely his choice. The same goes for my money. We both add equal amounts into a joint account that we use to pay for bills and joint expenses. Granted, since the use and utilities are in his name, he pays for those bills. But I keep an eye on the joint and will use it to pay for other point expenses. Personal bills, such as my cell phone or medical bills, come out of our own money. And this works well, I have no intention of changing this. The author claims

Until you are willing to intertwine financially, you will never be able to cross the chasm that keeps you from intertwining emotionally.

Maybe that is true for some people, but not for us. Neither of us are into presents or gifts. I'd be a lot more anal and controlling about how he would spend if it was half my money. Previous chapters talked about trusting him and his choices, but I don't always trust his choices. He wants to drop thousands of dollars in guns because he believes the price will jump when Hillary Clinton is elected president. If that was half of my money on the line, I'd want to talk about that more, think it through. He's human and isn't always going to be right, and there's nothing wrong about me wanting to weigh in on matters. But since it is his money, I care a lot less. Maybe he'll make a good bit of cash, and get to spend it on a fancy new car or invest it in something. Maybe he'll be out that money. But if it's his money, I'm fine with whatever choice he makes. Not true if it is also my money.

Another issue in this book I keep seeing is covert contracts. The book is targeted to nagging, controlling shrews. Women who want to control their husband, have his act just so. If I were to give advice, I'd try to reform how they view their husband, and try to get them to respect his autonomy. This book doesn't do that, rather is appeals to their controlling nature and tells them to switch from overt contracts (nagging that he doesn't buy enough gifts) to convert contracts (stop nagging and expect that he'll but you gifts in exchange) rather than to evaluate their expectations of him altogether.

When husbands manage the money, they tend to be much more generous with their wives than the wives were with themselves...

But to our husbands, giving us things above and beyond what we need is a joy, so they surprise and spoil us...

If you're concerned that he'll forget or one day deny you your gifts, don't worry. That would be letting down the person who means the most to him in the world, and more than anything, men love the pride that comes with providing for us and treating their wives. That delicious feeling of self-worth makes him feel masculine- and that's a wonderful jumping off point for intimacy...

When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well...

Some wives are concerned that their husbands are stingy and will deny them extras like facials, pedicures or babysitters. Stingy husbands are a common by-product of controlling wives, and in every case I've seen, the stinginess disappears when the wife relinquishes control... For a preview of coming attractions, think about whether you found him stingy during your courtship. The man who wooed you is about to return...if you let him.

I'm a huge fan of communication. Having good communication skills doesn't mean you constantly tell him your feelings, or that you boss him around. It's being about to express your expectations and wants in a clear and harmonious way. Doing something and expecting your husband to act in a particular way in response without talking to him at all about it is just setting yourself up for disaster. Maybe he is working as hard as he wants/can at his job. Maybe he doesn't value presents. Maybe he doesn't care about date night. It's the same old bossy, controlling routine that the reader is assumed to have, it's just using a different, more covert tactic to get what she wants. If he doesn't want to do those things, the solution is to understand why not and reevaluated each others wants to find a god compromise. Expecting him to just give in and do what you want without saying it isn't going to work.

The way that she suggests passing on this chore is pretty sketchy too.

I've seen some wives who are ostensibly surrendering the finances broach the idea by saying "You have to take care of the checkbook and give me money for my spending plan." This is still telling him what to do and does not improve things...

You will want to approach the conversation with a spirit of humility by telling your husband that you can't manage the finances anymore because you're too stressed out. This is true- you really can't do it and have the renewed intimacy, romance, passion, and emotional connection you want with your husband...

A good way to relinquish financial responsibility is to get out the checkbook and say, "I can't pay the bills anymore. I'm just too stressed and overwhelmed." If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. That's all you need to say, so once you've said it, STOP TALKING. Then put the checkbook down on a table or counter or some other neutral spot. Don't pick it back up, even if you see it still there several days later...

It's common for husbands to grumble or object when you have this conversation with them. Remember- don't engage. When liz tried to relinquish the household finances, Greg express his disappointment in her: "I thought we were a team," he complained. "I don't have time to pay bills," you could just acknowledge that you hear him by saying, "I hear you." This doesn't mean that you're taking it back, just that you're listening/ Don't try to fix the problem at this point, because you'll only end up back where you started. Stick to your original declaration- that you just can't do it. No further explanation is necessary.

Again, this is more bossiness and being controlling. Rather than talking with him about your wants, listening to his wants, and trying to find a way to have both be met, you insist that your wants happen and to hell with his.

I know this isn't true for everyone, but my personal finances are not stressful. I live well within my means, have no debts and a sizeable savings. As a result, finances are not a stressful chore for me as the author seems to assume.

When you let go of managing the finances, you'll also be letting go of the burden of that particular chore. Paying bills, balancing bank account, and worrying about whether there will be enough money to pay the mortgage- or just go out for dinner- is stressful. When you give up that responsibility, you also leave behind the anxiety and worry that comes with being the family banker.

And she really does suggest handing over a lot of the finances to your husband. As I said, in my personal case I'm not really the family banker. My boyfriend actually pays most of the bills. But I'm still way more involved in the finances than the author suggests.

give him all the money you earn or receive from other sources...

If you have been maintaining separate accounts and separate finances, I strongly suggest pooling your money in a joint checking account that he manages.

Tell your husband you want your spending plan money [your allowance] in cash. He may give you a certain amount weekly, monthly, or on paydays. There are two key benefits to doing this. One, you'll never need to use a credit card, ATM card, or checkbook to pay for anything. Without those so-called "convinces," it's harder to spend more than you have and easier to figure out what the heck happened on the monthly statement. Two, it's a powerful feelings to have all that money in your possession. Having cash gives you autonomy to spend what you want when you want, stead of having to find out if there's money in the checking account first.

When you give [the budget] to him, it will be up to him to decide if you get all of it. Perhaps you will get more, perhaps you will get less. In either case, you should thank him for the money and make do with knowing that it is the most he can afford while still keeping the family's other interests in mind.

I also think it takes away from it if you know that wad is money is partially your own money that you worked for. I never feel provided for or taken care of when my boyfriend buys for our dinners with the joint card. Because the money is half mine and I damn well know it. I couldn't in all honestly be thankful for my boyfriend giving me a wad of my own money.

One last blip that make me roll my eyes.

Unless God himself told you that you should do it, you probably just assumed the task [of handling the money] years ago. All you have to do now is stop assuming it. You don't have to make your husband take it, you just have to let it go.

Now, I don't think that the word "stupid" have much room on a debate sub, but it is the only word that comes to my mind. I, and I'm sure most women, "assumed" the task of handling the money when we got our own place. I assumed the task for managing the finances when I was single and living in an apartment. If I decided to just "let it go" I'd get evicted. The only reason why it'd work out now is because I have a man who loves me and is willing to pick up slack if needed. A task doesn't become less important just because there are people around who would pick up the slack. It just means that I have a safety net.

So what do you think? Does anyone here think this is good advice for your average Jane? Would the men here actually like it if their women insisted they take on this role? What do other women think?