Do women really not want their men to open up about their feelings?

fiat_lux_ · 2015-07-17T20:24:32+00:00

I read a stack of literotica in elementary. The alpha male gets approximately 1 (maaybe 2) free pass on the tears. The problem is when they are too emotional too often in a way that can be interpreted as weakness.

I don't think most women mind being a critical piece to make a near-perfect ship (with just one or two flaws) run optimally. Makes them feel important and secure in their job. It's much more troublesome fixing a leaky ship with holes all over the hull.

LeaneGenova · 2015-07-17T20:34:34+00:00

It's less about the man's feelings and more about the women nurturing and fixing the man. He was a wild stallion wanted by all women, but because he of me he is now tame.

Once the biker gets an office job and starts buying his girl flowers, it won't be long until she finds someone else.

Acceptable feelings for men to share in a relationship:

anger
compliment partner's looks
confidence

Unacceptable feelings:

anxiety or uncertainty
lack of confidence

Women want a rock. They want a man who always believes that everything will be ok, a man who always a plan. So that when things are rough, they don't have to hold in the tears or pick up the pieces; their man will do that.

Xemnas81 · 2015-07-17T20:20:46+00:00

They want him to a little open once he has established his value as alpha male. See on: Manson, emotional vomit
They do not want to see him break down or cry except when he is grieving. See on: TRP sub, she is not your shoulder to cry on
If he discusses a problem, he must have a solution. Given that people hate even friends who moan, in a relationship with a woman of equal SMV, the man has pretty much one chance to bitch, and then needs a plan to solve the problem. Every feeling must eventually resolve itself into direction and action; without this there is no security and she feels unsafe with him, so will leave or at least emotionally distance and sexually withdraw
Despite this they do want him to be sensitive to her own issues
but also call her out if she's hamstering/not feed the hamster (they will shit-test you to make you feed it but subconsciously they want it to perish)

lurfly · 2015-07-17T20:49:40+00:00

Honestly I think the most important part is differentiating between being emotionally unstable and being open with your emotions. Emotional instability is just as unattractive in women as it is in men.

People need to regulate their emotions. This is not denying or hiding emotion, it is simply being healthy. If you are unable to regulate emotion then you need to seek psychological help. Bottling things up (as some are encouraged to do) will not make things better.

Someone who is open with their emotions and is able to regulate them successfully, is very attractive. Someone who bottles up or is overly emotional is unattractive because those things are not healthy.

toofacedheaven · 2015-07-17T20:46:49+00:00

Women want men to express their feelings, but not be completely emotionally dependent on women for happiness. Everyone's emotional home base should be in themselves. Women don't like being men's emotional home bases because it feels like he is her child. A woman can't respect a man in a mommy/son dynamic.

Use your emotional expression to bond and communicate, but don't become needy.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2015-07-17T23:33:00+00:00

When women say they want men to "open up about their feelings" the mean " express your female-like feelings in a female-like way, so we can bond like I do with my girlfriends"

When women hear the actual feelings of anger, inadequacy, humiliation, lust and vengeance men carry around they never stop throwing up

lolobviously · 2015-07-18T01:13:03+00:00

They want them to in that it empowers the woman, but it makes her less attracted to him.

RP could care less what women want, it cares what makes women attracted to men.

haircombsnightmare · 2015-07-17T22:31:32+00:00

Why do you think in female erotica and romance novels the hero almost always has some "dark past"and he gets "healed" by the woman after opening up? If women don't care about men's feelings why is this so common in romance novels that target the female audience ?

This is some shit I used to read on teenagey love stories. It's for a reason its main audience are teenagers: you're barely starting to experience life and love. You like cliches. You get obsessed with things and call Twilight a masterpiece. It's normal when you're a teen.

I find men (and women) who say things like "I can't cry, I'm a man" childish. I also don't want to live my life guessing and trying to predict what my partner feels. It sounds exhausting, I can't read his mind and I don't feel a need to try to.

For me, opening up about your feelings with your loved one is a strong moment of bonding. I'd say it's wise to wait a bit until you trust said someone, but once you do, it's a very freeing feeling. To let go of the things that trouble you, and to have someone else who loves you comfort you and tell you it's normal decidedly makes it better.

So, in my case, no. I like it when his eyes fill with tears after I give him a nice gift. I like it when he smiles like a bear when he's with his niece. I like it when he tells me he feels like a failure, because it gives me the chance to comfort him and make him feel better.

dakru · 2015-07-17T20:35:23+00:00

It depends on the extent. If "opening up" means a strong man showing a sensitive side then I don't think most women would have a problem with that. I think they'd actually prefer it. However if "opening up" means a strong man showing that he's actually weak then I think there's a very real chance she'll feel less attraction for him.

I think it's more along the lines of "unintended consequences" than "he failed the test", though.

PrimePussyOverRancid · 2015-07-17T20:40:28+00:00

I also think its the other way from the men's side. Unless it's serious life matters that are taking a significant toll on him, unloading his emotions and feelings on her is not advisable. A man should be the rock in his woman's life, at least in masculine/feminine dynamic relationships.

Plus, if it's not serious, like grieving a loss or a life-altering injury, why not talk with your bro's instead of lowering the fun in your relationship?

If it's not actually serious, she doesn't need to keep stuff like that in the back of her mind.

littleredmelody · 2015-07-17T21:02:34+00:00

When it comes to romance novels: If he struggled, and made it out the other side, that means he's tough. That means he's qualified to provide for or protect her.

When it comes to shit testing: Shit testing isn't about trying to give a man a chance to qualify himself. It's about seeing if he's qualified. Whether a woman is intentionally shit testing or not, she's not trying to ask questions she knows he'll answer properly. She's trying to learn something about him, through how he responds. If a man is vulnerable, and he's a 'real alpha' then what she learns about him will solidify her attraction to him.

Women want security. If his past self is congruent with what she thinks about him now, then there's a good chance he'll stay alpha for the forseeable future. If he's only put on wolf's clothing, then there's the nagging uncomfortable feeling that tough times might cause him to shed it, when she needs him most.

I hope that helps!

alreadyredschool · 2015-07-17T21:46:59+00:00

Why do you think in female erotica and romance novels the hero almost always has some "dark past"and he gets "healed" by the woman after opening up? If women don't care about men's feelings why is this so common in romance novels that target the female audience ?

The same reason why women find Dr house sexy. "I could save him"

buartha · 2015-07-17T21:55:02+00:00

I think people in general, male and female, have trouble dealing with emotions in the people they love that they can't control or help with. That's why putting effort into communication to make sure everyone understands their role in maintaining tranquility in the relationship is so important.

Acting droopy or just saying 'I'm sad' will just make your partner anxious because they have nothing to work on to help you. 'I'm sad for X reason and here's how you can help me/ what I'm going to do' is far more likely to leave everyone more satisfied.

99_Problem · 2015-07-18T15:52:26+00:00

Romance novels? Really?

Something I dislike about TRP and PPD is using fictional examples to compare or relate to real life. It's stupid.

Dietyz · 2015-07-17T22:01:18+00:00

I remember watching a video once that was basically a talk show, and I think the lady running it was a doctor or a psychologist or something (can't find the video now). One of the lady viewers asked almost exactly this question. Her explanation was that women want emotional security from their man, but also an emotionally vulnerable man. And the problem she described is that when women pry a man for emotional exposure, she's forcing him to expose his emotional weaknesses. This in turns breaks down his emotional fortitude in her mind. Then the emotional security she had in him initially begins to erode away and attraction is lost.

This lines up pretty well with RP theory, and my personal experience. I've had nothing but piss poor results after opening up to women, and so have my friends. I took RP advice and stopped talking about my problems and insecurities with people, not just women, and have had much better results all around since. Most of my friends still ignore this advice and continue to be hurt and mistreated by the women in their lives. AWALT I guess.

RedPill115 · 2015-07-18T07:52:54+00:00

If women don't care about men's feelings why is this so common in romance novels that target the female audience ?

Where is it in the story though? When do you see it in the story? The answer is almost always the same - at the end of the story.

At the end, where they ride off into the sunset - and there's no more interesting story. At the point in the story where if it actually happens, no matter how much money they think they would make from a sequel they never make one (that makes any money) because the time after that is boring and doesn't make a good story. Women want to take the guy with no feelings and "heal" them to have feelings - they have no idea what to do after that though. Well many women.

I've sometimes seen this play out in real life and it used to be discussed in Game, where there were a few theories:
1. Women don't want an "already healed" man, they want to heal him themselves
2. This does happen regularly, except she takes him from 90-100% alpha to 10-20% beta. There should always be more alpha than beta in a relationship, but a little bit of beta is necessary to keep the relationship together. Women are always looking at the top guys, that's who it works for, not the guy who's already emotional and tries to be even more emotional
3. That it's actually part of her process (though she's not aware of it) to cut off any other options for him once they're married (and usually starting to have kids). By making him not sexy, she ensures he doesn't stray - because no other women would be interested in a fully emotional guy. Look at the number of stereotypes of sex ending when one gets married - it's obviously a pattern of behavior for a lot of women.
4. It's not exactly that women don't like any emotions, they just can't stand any non-sexy emotions. Women don't understand that men actually work to achieve their position. Like start watching in movies - men's movies have the male characters train and earn what they get (even if it's reduced to a montage) like in Rocky. In women's movies, it's just sort of handed to them at some point (frozen) they don't train and earn it, it just shows up one day. Some emotions women find altogether unattractive - bitterness, anything indicating persistent failure. Other emotions they find unattractive because of their lack of understanding of the need to actually work, train, etc to get to the top.
5. Emotions are often displays for women, without meaning. Not all their emotions, but women are expected far more than men to be in a certain mood or express certain "socially appropriate" emotions, so their brain thinks men do to. Men often think with their emotions, women are confused as to why they aren't expressing the "appropriate" emotion for the situation, when men are puzzling through it figuring it out.

It's a lot easier in the end to just not express emotions, than to try to display the "appropriate and sexy" emotions a lot of the time.

[deleted] · 2015-07-18T11:58:04+00:00

Women have had the rough end of things throughout history. They need a man as tough as themselves - hard to respect a man who crumbles at the first sign of danger or hardship, considering what women have had to deal with over the centuries.

In history, she knew, as a woman, she'll walk through fire. She knew she must draw on a well of deep courage to get through.

The core of a woman is steel, and this can surprise or shock men. She might look soft and sweet, but inside, she's something else, something all men have never had to be but something all women have had to be throughout history.

She wants a man who'll open up about his feelings (who wants a robot!) but she also wants a man with inner and outer strength.

strongalfalfa · 2015-07-18T20:11:52+00:00

Of course! I think it's really great when a man shows that he can be emotional.

Why do you think in female erotica and romance novels the hero almost always has some "dark past"and he gets "healed" by the woman after opening up?

It's pretty hot.

If women don't care about men's feelings why is this so common in romance novels that target the female audience ?

Women do care about men's feelings.

nemma88 · 2015-07-18T21:57:24+00:00

I don't know, I don't read erotica like that ( I must read men's erotica I guess ). I like him to open up because if there's something wrong, at some point I'd like to know about it. It's not easy negotiating problems you are trying to guess at.

Not opening up in general makes for a pretty one dimensional personality. You don't have to cry to open up but showing some emotion other than towards football nice to know a mans human and has some intelligent emotional thoughts.

wtknight · 2015-07-17T20:53:47+00:00

From my experience women do not universally want an emotionally open man. Some women really do prefer the strong silent type who doesn't want to open up, or the intellectual unemotional nerdy guy. It's just one of many areas where I think there has been an overgeneralization and stereotyping of women's desires. Individual women are very different in what they want from men. The media love to exploit stereotypes, though.

wazzup987 · 2015-07-17T23:40:38+00:00

This has not been my experience, i know the fear, you hear the stories. But learning to be vulnerable in relationships was the best thing that happened to me and my sex life.

Title	Do women really not want their men to open up about their feelings?
Author	HappilySingleWoman
Upvotes	2
Comments	55
Date	July 17, 2015 8:18 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3dnw6a/do_women_really_not_want_their_men_to_open_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-women-really-not-want-their-men-to-open-up.280947 https://theredarchive.com/post/280947

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