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How do you remind yourself not to engage?

by CapableConfidence | December 20, 2019 | askMRP

21 upvotes

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Anything you keep at the front of your mind? Any mantra you repeat in your head when things get heated?

I'm getting better about engaging less, but I'll still get caught up in it way more often than I'd like to. I know STFU should be simple, but assume I'm retarded because apparently I am when it comes to this.


Post Information
Title How do you remind yourself not to engage?
Author CapableConfidence
Upvotes 21
Comments 32
Date 20 December 2019 01:16 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/302342
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/eda2m6/how_do_you_remind_yourself_not_to_engage/
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Comments

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill30 points31 points  (5 children) | Copy

It's really about learning to have an internal dialog. Instead of immediately trying to counter whatever is being said go through the motions of WISNIFG and ask the questions:

"Am I being made to judge my own actions?"

"is this a valid criticism?"

"Does this add value"

You can come up with a few more, but you get the gist.

[–]An_Actual_Politician23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy

As soon as I started seeing my spouse as the oldest teenager in the house, my desire to engage dropped to near zero. I don't argue with my two young children, why would I argue with an older child.

[–]mrpmonk5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Superior male, indeed.

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.015 points16 points  (3 children) | Copy

Most people in a conversation/argument don't actually listen, they just wait for their turn to talk. STFU and listen and then think about what was said. That doesn't mean you have to have a debate or "talk" but you can quickly diagnose through shutting the fuck up if the other person is trying to manipulate you into agreeing with them and change your mind or if they are open to dialog. This applies to your wife, kids, co-workers you name it. If it seems like manipulation to me I have gotten to the point where I won't even engage anymore.

[–]HeckleandChide5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Pro-tip to anyone in sales. The single most valuable tool you can learn is how to actively listen. Listen, ask another question, listen more. You will learn 100x more and be able to shape your product / widget / whatever to fit the specific needs of the customer and they will actually trust / appreciate you for it.

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.09 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Great book to read is “Never Split The Difference” by Chris Voss. Talks about pressure flipping but doesn’t call it that and asking questions to essentially guide people to your conclusion without them even realizing it.

[–]HeckleandChide2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Audible it. 100x better because Michael Kramer reads it to you.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando25 points26 points  (2 children) | Copy

assume I'm retarded because apparently I am when it comes to this.

I assume that everyone who starts a thread in Ask MRP is retarded.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fucking wrecked.

[–]tap09885349 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Engage, but as the Alpha.

She wants to push you off balance, so that you act like a weak child and lose standing. But you are unflappable. You do not become flooded with emotions.

She says the meanest thing she can imagine, but it amuses you, because you see how weak she really is. She is desperately afraid of losing you. She knows that you are the prize. She knows that you could do better. She longs for the comfort of having you under thumb, even though she would come to loathe and resent that man.

Asshole! The word cuts through the air like badge of honor. It means fuckable. It means I can't help wanting you to nail me into floor. It means I'm frustrated that I'm so attracted to someone I can't control.

You let all her rage wash over you and relish the emotion. You feel a special delight bathing in the raw feminine energy. This is part of the plan, part of the ritual, and part of the dance. This is FEELZ, and the anger is emanating from between her legs.

As a female she cannot feel happy without feeling sad, she cannot feel pleasure without feeling pain, and she cannot feel horny as fuck without feeling anger, fear, and anxiety. You are experiencing high amplitude sexual energy as it flows along the sinewave from anger to lust.

She's too caught up in her own mouth noises to realize how much her pussy is tingling, so you slam her into the wall and shut that disrespectful bitch mouth with a kiss that could melt iron.

Your hands are everywhere at once. Her pants are drenched, and she slips into a trance desperately anticipating the hair-pulling, choking, slapping bone-pounding she craves.

You pull back. "I've got to head to work, baby. Go buy yourself something sexy to wear for me tonight. I expect dinner at 6. The fish you made last week was amazing. I'd like it again. Also, get some candles for the table. Now let me kiss that pretty little mouth one more time. Good girl."

[–]mrpmonk1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Can you write a book, please!

[–]tap09885341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are you a publisher? I can send you the first chapter of my homoerotic interracial cuckold romance: "Slick Triangle"

[–]0io-Tsundere6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

When I Say No I Feel Guilty is pretty good for this, worth reading or reading again. Lots of techniques in there.

[–]UnbreakableFrame4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

For me, it just took time. Read consistently and don't skip days. You will slowly turn your new knowledge into new behaviors.

[–]OptimusRP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This

[–]redwall925 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

If I’m on top of my game...

I turn on that little voice in my head. And it says......

DON'T FIGHT.

And normally that works well enough for me.

But like mentioned above ... there's an internal conversation you've got to have with yourself before you open your mouth.

[–]SidMRP2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

How long should this conversation be? I don't want to look autistic

[–]RisingUpAgain1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Minimum of 5 minutes glossy eyes and no talking

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

As you soak in the material here ... and by that I mean as you develop frame and your view of reality becomes more intentional and known to you ... then that internal conversation will become something like a part of your internal programming. It'll eventually go from software that you're tweaking to hardware that's built in.

This is most of us guys' problem now ... we've got hardwiring to DEER. It takes some guts rebuilding to rip that out ... mental work to stop engaging that way ... mental work to engage how we want that fits our world-view/frame/values ... and then time ... time to let that soak in and work its way in. And then it comes out naturally.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Debrief yourself after each engagement with the intent of identifying "launch patterns" and "perpetuating language."

There is often a pattern of events that leads up to each engagement which "launch" the argument, shit test or generally undesirable behavior. Identifying the patterns you are running as a couple will allow you to raise your awareness and be on the lookout for something coming. That awareness will give you the opportunity to breath deeply and have the type of internal dialog /u/UEMcGill mentioned here. A pattern may be ... your MIL calls. Shortly after that your wife seems to remember all the things you do wrong. In the future, when your MIL calls, you can start the clock running until the next engagement.

It's important to note that the internal dialog being suggested is a QUESTION led dialog. If you simply make statements to yourself (e.g. "She's such a harpy bitch") you are much more likely to stay wrapped around the axle. Questions force your brain out of the emotional limbic center and into the executive control center of the pre-frontal cortex which will allow you to transcend the moment you are in and figure out what you want to have happen. Questions focus your mind on the reality of what is happening ... as opposed to the emotions you are feeling. It allows you to disengage quicker. When you debrief ... try to lock in on the language you are using that may be perpetuating the engagement longer than necessary. Work to insert questions that guide the conversation in the direction you want it to.

A slightly more advanced tactic is to use questions that begin with the words "What" and "How." They tend to de-escalate a situation quicker. Such as "What do I really want to have happen in this situation?" They are also good for forcing your LTR to get out of their Limbic brain experience. If you simply and sincerely ask, "How am I supposed to do that?" they are forced into processing a logical series of events which is difficult to do and stay emotional at the same time. The key is sincerity. If you're a smart-ass, then it will only escalate things. You have to be in the right head-space first before you can do that. This last set of concepts is one I came across in Chris Voss' book " Never Split the Difference." He was the FBI's lead international hostage negotiator. It's worth the read.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

I read Chris Voss, and ended up getting my wife so frustrated. She just wanted to fight, and when I kept asking, "Sure, but how am I supposed to..." she ran away screaming, "I hate your mind-judo shit"

Good book, and it has made me a few extra million in negotiations.

[–]RiderHood2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is it better to be right or to be happy? Engaging is just going to lead to chaos, stress, and negative emotions. This would undermine my ability to be the oak/rock and to maintain a peaceful household.

Don’t let it escalate. Nip it in the bud. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Cliche, but true.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have no fucking idea.

My exwife can still send me into orbit.

Not a single other woman on the planet has this power over me.

Could also be that no other woman on the planet is the mother of my kids.

At least I have that going for me....

[–]Mordeth9081 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Eventually you see the beauty when she’s angry or pissed or testing you.

Always remember she wants you to move her emotions. And if you can’t do that, then STFU.

The worst thing you can do is engage her at a rational/logical level. It’s never about what she’s saying.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your last point is one of my most-used takeaways from this community. My wife and I are both STEM people, and tend to discuss technical facts when those are not in any way the actual topic.

[–]RStonePT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hate her, just a little bit.

[–]tspitsatgp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

By working on yourself. Every time you get “triggered” reflect on it. What was unique about that interaction which made you feel the need to engage in an undesired way? What caused the negative spike in your motions? Then get to work on that.

[–]youcantdenythat0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

focus on your breathing

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

frame is earned. you need to go out and test yourself against the world, take your personality through the forge of adversity which will sharpen your mettle.

once you have been exposed enough to the world then you wont be such a homo with your missus, she will be easy in comparison to everything else you have faced.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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