How do you remind yourself not to engage?

UEMcGill · 2019-12-20T13:31:45+00:00

It's really about learning to have an internal dialog. Instead of immediately trying to counter whatever is being said go through the motions of WISNIFG and ask the questions:

"Am I being made to judge my own actions?"

"is this a valid criticism?"

"Does this add value"

You can come up with a few more, but you get the gist.

RPWolf · 2019-12-20T14:11:26+00:00

Most people in a conversation/argument don't actually listen, they just wait for their turn to talk. STFU and listen and then think about what was said. That doesn't mean you have to have a debate or "talk" but you can quickly diagnose through shutting the fuck up if the other person is trying to manipulate you into agreeing with them and change your mind or if they are open to dialog. This applies to your wife, kids, co-workers you name it. If it seems like manipulation to me I have gotten to the point where I won't even engage anymore.

SBIII · 2019-12-20T13:39:32+00:00

assume I'm retarded because apparently I am when it comes to this.

I assume that everyone who starts a thread in Ask MRP is retarded.

tap0988534 · 2019-12-20T19:28:02+00:00

Engage, but as the Alpha.

She wants to push you off balance, so that you act like a weak child and lose standing. But you are unflappable. You do not become flooded with emotions.

She says the meanest thing she can imagine, but it amuses you, because you see how weak she really is. She is desperately afraid of losing you. She knows that you are the prize. She knows that you could do better. She longs for the comfort of having you under thumb, even though she would come to loathe and resent that man.

Asshole! The word cuts through the air like badge of honor. It means fuckable. It means I can't help wanting you to nail me into floor. It means I'm frustrated that I'm so attracted to someone I can't control.

You let all her rage wash over you and relish the emotion. You feel a special delight bathing in the raw feminine energy. This is part of the plan, part of the ritual, and part of the dance. This is FEELZ, and the anger is emanating from between her legs.

As a female she cannot feel happy without feeling sad, she cannot feel pleasure without feeling pain, and she cannot feel horny as fuck without feeling anger, fear, and anxiety. You are experiencing high amplitude sexual energy as it flows along the sinewave from anger to lust.

She's too caught up in her own mouth noises to realize how much her pussy is tingling, so you slam her into the wall and shut that disrespectful bitch mouth with a kiss that could melt iron.

Your hands are everywhere at once. Her pants are drenched, and she slips into a trance desperately anticipating the hair-pulling, choking, slapping bone-pounding she craves.

You pull back. "I've got to head to work, baby. Go buy yourself something sexy to wear for me tonight. I expect dinner at 6. The fish you made last week was amazing. I'd like it again. Also, get some candles for the table. Now let me kiss that pretty little mouth one more time. Good girl."

0io- · 2019-12-20T13:37:14+00:00

When I Say No I Feel Guilty is pretty good for this, worth reading or reading again. Lots of techniques in there.

UnbreakableFrame · 2019-12-20T16:23:28+00:00

For me, it just took time. Read consistently and don't skip days. You will slowly turn your new knowledge into new behaviors.

redwall92 · 2019-12-20T13:47:52+00:00

If I’m on top of my game...

I turn on that little voice in my head. And it says......

DON'T FIGHT.

And normally that works well enough for me.

But like mentioned above ... there's an internal conversation you've got to have with yourself before you open your mouth.

EasyDaysHardNights · 2019-12-20T15:10:32+00:00

Debrief yourself after each engagement with the intent of identifying "launch patterns" and "perpetuating language."

There is often a pattern of events that leads up to each engagement which "launch" the argument, shit test or generally undesirable behavior. Identifying the patterns you are running as a couple will allow you to raise your awareness and be on the lookout for something coming. That awareness will give you the opportunity to breath deeply and have the type of internal dialog /u/UEMcGill mentioned here. A pattern may be ... your MIL calls. Shortly after that your wife seems to remember all the things you do wrong. In the future, when your MIL calls, you can start the clock running until the next engagement.

It's important to note that the internal dialog being suggested is a QUESTION led dialog. If you simply make statements to yourself (e.g. "She's such a harpy bitch") you are much more likely to stay wrapped around the axle. Questions force your brain out of the emotional limbic center and into the executive control center of the pre-frontal cortex which will allow you to transcend the moment you are in and figure out what you want to have happen. Questions focus your mind on the reality of what is happening ... as opposed to the emotions you are feeling. It allows you to disengage quicker. When you debrief ... try to lock in on the language you are using that may be perpetuating the engagement longer than necessary. Work to insert questions that guide the conversation in the direction you want it to.

A slightly more advanced tactic is to use questions that begin with the words "What" and "How." They tend to de-escalate a situation quicker. Such as "What do I really want to have happen in this situation?" They are also good for forcing your LTR to get out of their Limbic brain experience. If you simply and sincerely ask, "How am I supposed to do that?" they are forced into processing a logical series of events which is difficult to do and stay emotional at the same time. The key is sincerity. If you're a smart-ass, then it will only escalate things. You have to be in the right head-space first before you can do that. This last set of concepts is one I came across in Chris Voss' book " Never Split the Difference." He was the FBI's lead international hostage negotiator. It's worth the read.

RiderHood · 2019-12-20T14:09:54+00:00

Is it better to be right or to be happy? Engaging is just going to lead to chaos, stress, and negative emotions. This would undermine my ability to be the oak/rock and to maintain a peaceful household.

Don’t let it escalate. Nip it in the bud. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Cliche, but true.

red-sfpplus · 2019-12-20T23:35:23+00:00

I have no fucking idea.

My exwife can still send me into orbit.

Not a single other woman on the planet has this power over me.

Could also be that no other woman on the planet is the mother of my kids.

At least I have that going for me....

Mordeth908 · 2019-12-20T19:12:25+00:00

Eventually you see the beauty when she’s angry or pissed or testing you.

Always remember she wants you to move her emotions. And if you can’t do that, then STFU.

The worst thing you can do is engage her at a rational/logical level. It’s never about what she’s saying.

RStonePT · 2019-12-26T13:54:07+00:00

Hate her, just a little bit.

tspitsatgp · 2019-12-20T22:23:40+00:00

By working on yourself. Every time you get “triggered” reflect on it. What was unique about that interaction which made you feel the need to engage in an undesired way? What caused the negative spike in your motions? Then get to work on that.

youcantdenythat · 2019-12-21T04:20:21+00:00

focus on your breathing

2019-12-21T20:24:11+00:00

frame is earned. you need to go out and test yourself against the world, take your personality through the forge of adversity which will sharpen your mettle.

once you have been exposed enough to the world then you wont be such a homo with your missus, she will be easy in comparison to everything else you have faced.

AlohaMaui808 · 2019-12-27T09:24:03+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/dnhq16/stfu_ground_zero_for_dummiesnfaggots/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Title	How do you remind yourself not to engage?
Author	CapableConfidence
Upvotes	21
Comments	32
Date	20 December 2019 01:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/302342
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/eda2m6/how_do_you_remind_yourself_not_to_engage/