Tldr: While you’re innocently focusing on the words coming out of your mouth, women read you in million different ways. This covert communication is a reflection of your inner frame and purpose, and until you get real frame you can cheat this by faking frame and confidence.
So you approached the cute girl at the venue, stroke up a conversation. Maybe you’re talking about your cool hobby, maybe it’s your job and how you’re killing it in the new office, maybe about the last amazing vacations you’ve had in a foreign place. You even insert some jokes for good measure. She’s looking up at you, with a half smile on her face, eyes wide open, batting her eyelashes. You think she’s eating this shit up.
Guess what, she doesn’t care about your story. Or at least, she cares much less than you do. Meanwhile, as you are talking to her, she’s watching you. Some of it is actively observing you, some is passively taking in a million of hints that provide her with great information.
She is looking at your posture and movements:
At the moment you approach her, she is already seizing you up. Did you come walking at a slow pace? Are you feet spread apart and providing solid, confident balance? Is your posture crouched or straight? Is it straight because you are tensed and riled up like an angsty teenager, or is straight and relaxed? Can your arms and hands rest on the side of your body seemingly naturally, or do you have them in your pockets? Do you breathe slowly, does your chest expand in long movements?
Generally speaking, she is assessing your body and your confidence. Men tend to look at things in parts (we’re attracted to boobs or butts, we will look at a guy’s shoulders and assume he is strong, etc.) whereas women get a feel for the overall thing. If a guy talks tough shit but is fidgeting, or if he has big biceps but his center of gravity seems fragile like he is resting on his toes, she will notice this, consciously or not, and will evaluate him accordingly.
She takes into account how much space you take up in the room, and how people react to you:
When people walk past you, how much space do they leave you? Does it feel like you take up a small or big area of this room? Also if girls glance at you, albeit for a fraction of a second, you won’t notice but she will. Not only that, but she will pick up on the meaning of that glance (did the girl checking you out show interest or disinterest?)
It doesn’t necessarily have to do with you being big, it’s more about charisma. A charismatic, vibrant guy who eats up space will seem to radiate energy and will attract gazes, and people will get out of his way.
She is listening to the tone of your voice:
Is your tone deep, calm? Is your voice colorful, blending in various vibrations and frequency of equal force, or is it one tone that makes most of its strength? In other words, is your voice strong in only a few tones? When you make a joke or tease her, does it end with just a hint of weakness, like a covert request for approval? If you tell her ‘no’, does your tone means it’s a statement, or is it defiant like a kid standing up to his mom for the first time? When the conversation dies for a little bit, are you urged to say something right away to fill in the void? When you start talking again, is the tone of your voice different from before?
She is watching your eyes and facial expressions:
There are so many subtle signs that they are impossible to list here. We have tried to give robots and 3D characters facial expressions as realistic as possible, yet everybody agrees that real humans have many more facial expressions, but they are so small that we can’t artificially identify them yet, less replicate. Like the tiny change in the dilatation of your pupil when you start a sentence. Or the high of your cheeks getting just a tad redder. Or some skin contracting on the side of your mouth.
My point with all of the above is that you can ‘fake it till you make it’, but if a woman pays just a little bit of attention, she’s really hard to fool. Sometimes she’ll notice incongruence between your words and frame, but she’ll still be attracted because she’ll sense that you have balls (after all, faking it requires balls).
So, what to do? Some personal advice
Best part in fake it till you make it, is the make it part. If you become the badass, confident man you should be, you won’t have to worry about all this. It will come out naturally.
In the meantime, if you’re still faking it, here is something that worked for me. It’s a bit ridiculous but it does work, feel free to come up with other ideas.
What I used to do when I was still not 100% confident, was to spell out frame statements in my head. I’d be chatting up a girl and, in the meantime, would calmly say in my mind, while looking at her: “girl you act like you don’t care but you’re mine, and you already know it” or any message that you want to send. Of course it’s not like I do this to motivate myself. Rather, my facial features react to this message I’m confidently stating in my head, and reflect it. While I’m talking about my hobby, she sees my pupils suddenly focusing on her, my eyebrows slightly frown, my voice is just a tad deeper, and a lot of other small hints that I can’t control. She doesn’t know what it means, but she picks up on it. This way I can somehow control the covert communication, not only the spoken conversation. But I’ve noticed that if I don’t spell it out clearly in my mind, it stays within said mind and doesn’t reach facial expressions. Try it.
The conversation you’re having with her is just a vessel for her to assess many more things about you. She doesn’t really care about your fucking hobby. But she cares about how you talk about it, and what it says about you. For men, words are here to convey a message, and we spend a lot of energy trying to find the right words. For women, words are just an empty vessel to create an interaction, and the more important messages are read through other channels, via covert communication. Focus less on what you are talking about, and more on how.
The subtle hints and facial expressions she recognizes are so many that they are impossible to list exhaustively, and to completely cheat. Women are experts at sending and reading signals. You can’t beat them at this game, and can only fake it so much with your outside persona. Best is to strive to become a man who doesn’t have to fake anything.
In the meantime, you can overcome this by faking inner confidence, and taking control of the covert communication and the non-verbal messages you’re sending.